I don't know what else I could have said ...

[La Rune]

I really didn't want to get in a fight in the middle of my SIL's birthday party.

A friend of their family was also there. She asked if I was "still breastfeeding". Her tone was pretty friendly and she was smiling at DD so I just said "Yes." without any commentary on nursing a 7mo.

She then turned away from me and started telling the other guests about a woman we all know who used to nurse her children (they're all teens now). Apparently she nursed in church once. (Shock! Horror! Gasp!) The one comment I remember is "So there she was, sitting in the front row, giving the priest an eyeful ..."

At that point my SIL (who FFs but has never said anything against my BFing) laughed and said "Well, a lot of people breastfeed and if you're in church without a bottle what else can you do?"

The woman said "Ugh! But this was a KID, not a baby. Old enough to go to school." Someone else chimed in "I don't know how old but too old to be breastfeeding."

Then they all looked at me. : Like I'm supposed to offer an explanation for some other woman nursing. Like it requires an explanation at all.

So I said "Traditionally, and even today in other cultures, children nurse longer ... 4, 5, even older is nothing unheard of."

Then she said "Uh-huh. Have you put a limit on yourself?" Right. Because nursing is a bad habit and I need to pick a cutoff date.

I said "No. You don't wake up one day nursing a 2yo. When DD was born I couldn't imagine what it would be like to nurse a 7mo, but here I am. It just evolves."

She said "Uh-huh." again and just turned back to the group, and kept on talking about this woman nursing in church and how she couldn't believe someone would do that.

I left the room because it was my SIL's house, her birthday party, and it was just the wrong place for me to make a scene. I don't know what else I could have said that wouldn't have sounded preachy or like I was attacking them (all FFing moms or former FFing moms). But I feel like I should have said something more because ... well, because it made me feel uncomfortable. The way they were talking made nursing sound dirty and inappropriate.

With people in our house I'll come right out and say what they're thinking ... "Do you think nursing is sexual?" They quiet down and hopefully that plants the seed in their thoughts that maybe nursing isn't sexual. That would have been inappropriate though and I was kind of lost.

[runes]

Sometimes the best way to be a lactivist is to assess the situation and the people involved and not engage, especially if others are being inappropriate/rude/closed minded. You did not sense that these women were open to hearing your perspective, they were just trying to validate their own views. It's hard to argue and educate in that situation, sometimes it's best to just leave things be and hope for another opportunity on another day. Kudos to you, considering the circumstances...you kept your cool and countered with some good information.

Leading by example and being quietly confident can be as powerful, if not more powerful, than getting up in people's faces about nursing.

[Ruthla]

I would probably have saie something simple like "obviously he wasn't too old to be breastfeeding, or he would have weaned by then."

Realy, I think the friend was in the wrong for getting into this at a child's birthday party- that's just NOT the place to bash other mothers for their parenting practices. Its' a place to focus on the little kids who are there to have fun.

Wait- was this an adult's birthday party? In that case I think you did really well. I can't see how I would have handled it much differently, except that I do have personal experience with BFing a 4yo I could have thrown in (and I'm not currently BFing a 7mo) so the conversation would have taken a slightly different turn. I could see myself standing up for another BFing mama in a social situation though.

[La Rune]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Wait- was this an adult's birthday party? In that case I think you did really well. I can't see how I would have handled it much differently, except that I do have personal experience with BFing a 4yo I could have thrown in (and I'm not currently BFing a 7mo) so the conversation would have taken a slightly different turn. I could see myself standing up for another BFing mama in a social situation though.

Yes, it was an adult's party, but there were lots of children present. Everyone brought their kids ... people ranged in age from 3 months to 60 years.

I asked my SIL earlier today and she said she thinks the kid they were talking about her nursing wasn't quite 3 at the time. Sigh.

Although now I know ... I have to talk to this woman next time I see her at the grocery store! I assumed her children were FF because 99% of kids around here are. Now I have someone to talk to.

[Sagesgirl]

I'd have been sorely tempted to ask her why she was staring at the other congregants rather than listening to the priest! Methinks the woman was a bit confused about what church is for.

[MaryJaneLouise]

Originally Posted by Sagesgirl

I'd have been sorely tempted to ask her why she was staring at the other congregants rather than listening to the priest! Methinks the woman was a bit confused about what church is for.

Totally!

[thepeach80]

Originally Posted by Sagesgirl

I'd have been sorely tempted to ask her why she was staring at the other congregants rather than listening to the priest! Methinks the woman was a bit confused about what church is for.

That's part of why I don't tend to not bring the babies w/ me in the service and don't bf them in there. I don't want to be a distraction to those who don't have a long attention span to what's being said. I'm really confused as to how if this mom was in the first row, how other people even knew what she was doing?!

[elanorh]

La Rune,

Since it sounds like it was at a Catholic church, if you're around this particular woman and she brings it up again, you may want to smile at her innocently and mention John Paul II's statement in support of breastfeeding, and the fact that the Vatican is asking artists to return to depictions which show the Virgin Mary openly breastfeeding the baby Jesus. And how wonderful it is that her church is supporting women who are feeding their babies the way that God designed their bodies to do so.



IME, people who are that judgmental tend to be taken off balance when people approach things from the saccharine side when disagreeing with them.

I think you handled the conversation as well as you could have, given the circumstances. Of course we all think of great come-backs a couple hours later, but in the moment it's not always that easy to come up with a come-back. And what a bonus, that this woman inadvertantly provided you with (hopefully) a friend who will be supportive of you and your breastfeeding decisions!

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by elanorh

La Rune,

Since it sounds like it was at a Catholic church, if you're around this particular woman and she brings it up again, you may want to smile at her innocently and mention John Paul II's statement in support of breastfeeding, and the fact that the Vatican is asking artists to return to depictions which show the Virgin Mary openly breastfeeding the baby Jesus.

I looked for a statement by John Paul II but couldn't find one. Can you post a link?

[La Rune]

Originally Posted by elanorh

La Rune,

Since it sounds like it was at a Catholic church, if you're around this particular woman and she brings it up again, you may want to smile at her innocently and mention John Paul II's statement in support of breastfeeding, and the fact that the Vatican is asking artists to return to depictions which show the Virgin Mary openly breastfeeding the baby Jesus. And how wonderful it is that her church is supporting women who are feeding their babies the way that God designed their bodies to do so.



IME, people who are that judgmental tend to be taken off balance when people approach things from the saccharine side when disagreeing with them.

I think you handled the conversation as well as you could have, given the circumstances. Of course we all think of great come-backs a couple hours later, but in the moment it's not always that easy to come up with a come-back. And what a bonus, that this woman inadvertantly provided you with (hopefully) a friend who will be supportive of you and your breastfeeding decisions!

It was at a Catholic church. Thanks.

I definitely am glad that I heard this other woman was nursing a 2yo. I never would have known she BFed at all otherwise, unless she mentioned it to me herself. EN's (with most of my neighbors considering past 6m to be "extended") not something you can really be super-open about here.

[Smokering]

Ya did good. Sound but tactful. I liked what you said about how nursing evolves.

I was at a party last night (me and the baby were the only girls!), and one guy innocently asked "Do you stop breastfeeding when they get teeth, or way before?" My lactivist ears pricked up, but the guy wasn't being insulting and for various reasons, it didn't seem appropriate to get into a blow-by-blow lactivist speech. So I just laughed and said "Heck no, she has teeth now! They learn not to bite". I'd be happy to get into the nitty-gritty of CLW some other time, but I don't feel like I have to bring it up at every opportunity. You know?