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The Person I am Living With... - Page 2

post #21 of 33
Soso-lynn -

Interesting how? It makes perfect sense to me, both as someone who has been on both ends and as someone who identifies as a radical feminist.

If you mean the part where I say women needlessly complicate these things...well, they do. This is ingrained behavior of course, excusing men's actions no matter how terrible they are, but it's there, and it needs to be addressed. The sooner we stop making the excuses, the better. Not easy, but necessary.

Wishing the OP the best.
post #22 of 33
Well, I just thought all those assertions about how "men" and "women" are are more what I would expect from an old-school second wave feminist. I know you understand that it is all socially constructed and am not questioning your knowledge or convictions when it comes to gender theories, but it still sounded a little odd to me. I really hope I did not insult you. I do not use the word interesting as a euphemism for something else; it really means interesting.

I guess I just have a hard time assuming the man is lying just because he has a Y chromosome and lives in society that encourages him to assert his masculinity. I am not saying he isn't though. Perhaps I am too much of an idealist...
post #23 of 33
Soso-lynn

I don't identify with any specific 'wave' of feminism. Thank you for clarifying about the intention of your comment.

Gender (and behaviors associated with it) is socialized. Men are socialized, from birth, to take advantage of, use, lie to, and harm/oppress women in all manner of ways. It's step 1 in how patriarchy works and is perpetuated. It's not 'natural' behavior. It's learned behavior, taught and passed down for the specific purpose of maintaining male supremacy.

Step 2 is the enlisting of women to keep other women in line...ie cattiness, queen bees (those in closest proximity to the most powerful men, usually wives or sexual partners), and eternally believing the word of men over the word of women, all evidence to the contrary.

There are many other steps, of course. None of this behavior is innate. It's all taught and learned, and we are all heavily influenced by our culture (which is deeply, deeply, DEEPLY misogynistic...suicidally so).

The OP's scenario, and billions of others like it, plays out every single day in patriarchy. Every single second. Almost never are the men responsible held accountable for their actions. There are always excuses made and a convenient woman somewhere to blame. I hate seeing it, I hate seeing people play into it, and have no choice but to speak out when I do.

Sorry to derail, OP. I truly wish you the best.
post #24 of 33
Thread Starter 
Well, I know it was at least partially true because the girl knew details.

One of the things that hurt the most was the fact that he apparently said he has been dreaming about his ex every night, waking up wanting desperately to be near her -- and she knew his ex's name. (!) It was after this sentiment was expressed that he said it "made sense that all this was coming about now, since I've been living with a girl for three years now that I love like a sister" & has little desire to do more than hug me and kiss me on the cheek.

I finally was forced to confront him when, upon that latest revelation about his ex, made me go home so angry I couldn't even speak to him or look at him. His whole excuse was that teenagers talk, that if he didn't have those feelings for me I'd be the first to know, and that of course they sometimes talked about things in class that were personal as they are a literary class and that these things affected stories and writings and whatnot.
He also said yes, he kept in touch with a few old students, that most teachers do, and he helps them with questions and writings and whatnot.

?????
post #25 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
The only truth you need to know is what you feel in your heart...
I don't mean your romantic heart...I mean your inner knowing, your gut instinct because it knows if this is truly the best relationship for you and if you're getting everything you want and need and deserve.
: Exactly that. What is your gut telling you about what he says to you. Does it feel true? Does this relationship feel really right, regardless of the idealistic, mental image you have of what the relationship could be if only x, y, z would happen/work itself out...?
post #26 of 33
*
post #27 of 33
I would sarcastically tell him "It feels like we are becoming like brother and sister, I never really desire anything more than hugging or kissing. " I would wait for his response, and handle it from there. Anyway this conversation goes, it will end up in an argument, but I would feel so satisfied!! But that's just me and I can be really mean/ bad!!!
post #28 of 33
ditto pretty much what everyone wrote. have a candid talk about where your relationship is going and see what comes out. dont stay in a relationship because it's just comfortable...
post #29 of 33
post #30 of 33
Thread Starter 
Well, I viewed his emails. Oh, yes, it is most definitely true.

I'll get back with more info. when I have more time...
post #31 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by cjuniverse View Post
Soso-lynn

I don't identify with any specific 'wave' of feminism. Thank you for clarifying about the intention of your comment.

Gender (and behaviors associated with it) is socialized. Men are socialized, from birth, to take advantage of, use, lie to, and harm/oppress women in all manner of ways. It's step 1 in how patriarchy works and is perpetuated. It's not 'natural' behavior. It's learned behavior, taught and passed down for the specific purpose of maintaining male supremacy.

Step 2 is the enlisting of women to keep other women in line...ie cattiness, queen bees (those in closest proximity to the most powerful men, usually wives or sexual partners), and eternally believing the word of men over the word of women, all evidence to the contrary.

There are many other steps, of course. None of this behavior is innate. It's all taught and learned, and we are all heavily influenced by our culture (which is deeply, deeply, DEEPLY misogynistic...suicidally so).

The OP's scenario, and billions of others like it, plays out every single day in patriarchy. Every single second. Almost never are the men responsible held accountable for their actions. There are always excuses made and a convenient woman somewhere to blame. I hate seeing it, I hate seeing people play into it, and have no choice but to speak out when I do.

Sorry to derail, OP. I truly wish you the best.
post #32 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by candiland View Post
Well, I viewed his emails. Oh, yes, it is most definitely true.

I'll get back with more info. when I have more time...
Sorry to hear this mama. Looking forward to your update and I hope you are looking after yourself.
post #33 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by candiland View Post
Well, I viewed his emails. Oh, yes, it is most definitely true.

I'll get back with more info. when I have more time...
I'm so truly sorry.
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