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my dream

post #1 of 13
4/11/02 at 4:10pm
Thread Starter 
I am a young mother(22) of a beautiful 2 year old son, and 3 days new to Motheringdot.commune. i'm not single, but wish to be, their is no abuse, just difference of opinion. It is so hard to want to raise caleb much differently that his dad. His dad feels that caleb will be a "sissy" if i continue to parent him the way i do. Or will walk all over me if i dont yell at him or spank him when he does something bad. Sometimes, it seems like his dad understands, but when push comes to shove, he doesnt. he lets him watch tv, buys into commercialism, wants to spoil him with material things, gave me a hard time about breastfeeding into toddlerhood! all this drives me crazy!!!! currently, i'm in the rn nursing program, and on my way to financial independence. only then i feel i have the choice leave. but at the same time, i see so much potential in his dad, he is really a beautiful person, but i think he is easily influenced, by this world and mainstream lifestyle, its a really weird situation--does anyone else share these feelings
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post #2 of 13
4/13/02 at 11:20am
Welcome to the boards!!! I just wanted to say,you need to think about the fact that if you were to end your marriage,your DH would get visitation rights and then you would have no idea what he's saying to your son,or how he's parenting him.Marriage is a commitment,and it doesnt sound like you have any real reason to end it.(Unless there is alot of stuff your not saying).Try therepy and working it out first for you and your child's sake.Good luck,I hope things get better.
post #3 of 13
4/13/02 at 3:23pm
Welcome, and I agree with Saige. I have parenting differences with my dh, but I also have to wonder sometimes if my objections to his parenting practices are a reaction to my upbringing and my hangups rather than "bad" parenting on his part. Though he never spanks, so that is not an issue. Honestly, there is no way I would end my marriage for this reason (he is not abusive at all, that would be totally different).
post #4 of 13
4/13/02 at 6:45pm
I agree with Irishmommy and Saige, you may want to work a little bit longer and harder before giving up.

Perhaps you could go to counseling to address the parenting issues that you feel are very important to you. Maybe a child/family therapis would be able to help you convey your concerns to your husband in a way that he is more receptive to them. The counselor may also be able to provide advice and guidance for developing positive parenting skills, as well as communication skills between yourself and your husband.

And again - please keep watch on the degree to which yelling and spanking are happening on your husband's part. Yelling can be emotionally abusive to a child. In my opinion, spanking is physically abusive - although in many people's opinion it is not.

Good luck -

Mary
post #5 of 13
4/13/02 at 10:52pm
Thread Starter 
dont worry guys, spanking ds is totally out of the question!!!,
The yelling is only the dicipline that i would do, but much louder. i think my problem with that is that ive learned to choose my battles but dh seems to have a problem with everything. I dont think the yelling is abusive, i just dont want ds to learn that that is a way to get his point across. but thanks for your wonderful advice. Every mother that visits this site, seems so kind. thanks for your time to answer my thread!!
post #6 of 13
4/14/02 at 9:18am
Have you ever read "The Discipline Book" by Dr.William Sears ? It has some great idea's in it!
post #7 of 13
4/24/02 at 7:13pm
Hi, I want to send a big hug out to you! I ws in a similar relationship with someone, though not married. I have complete opposite advise from the other mamas, no offense to them. The more time that went by with my ex the more I realized we weren't right for one another, there was just too many conflicts of ideas on how this wolrd operates. I am a vegan, earthy, peace to all individual, and he was a meat eater mcdonalds lover who watched way too much TV and never liked to get outside! This is just a general idea of our different lifestyles. You were young when you married, it's so easy to become attached to what feels comfortable and safe and familiar, but it sounds like you have some issues. Raising a child is difficult but it's extra hard when there is conflict of ideas on how to do it! And this roots out into the whole person not just how he is with your son! How he is to the whole world! Perhaps you have grown and become enlightened to a point that he hasn't reached, perhaps you are both on two different paths? Don't ever settle in life, especially with the one individual that you spend the most time with. A true person and soulmate will demand much of your soul, and force you to grow! Does he do this? Does he stimulate your heart and mind? I don't want want you to divorce him just because, but don't think with time it will change, or he will change. Everyone has the potential to be the best that they can be, but everyone on this planet are on different journey's and paths. You were obviously meant to meet him and create your beautiful child, but if you aren't happy that will reflect on all three of you! Your child will sense it, and your husband too. I'ts not fair to your husband to not be honest and upfront with him, perhaps there is someone better for him out there, and someone better for you out there! Just some things to think about. Do some soul searching, think about what really makes your life happy and if things need to change! I'm just here to make people see all sides of the picture!
post #8 of 13
4/26/02 at 6:42pm
Super and eloquent, Moondance!

I second her opinion 100%.


Life is far to precious to just squeak by...
post #9 of 13
6/8/02 at 2:33am

Very true!

And insightful, Moondance! I could not agree more!
If you feel you are married to *your* most wonderful soul mate, then continue to wrk on it, if not, get out! Marriage is sacred and I think people should not make a commitment until they are sure, but unfortunately things do not always go the way we think they will and we end up in situations we thought we would never be in. Listen to your heart. If you feel this is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with- GET OUT NOW! It will not get better! If you love him with all of your heart and think he is your soul mate, then stick with it and get thru these tough times.
I got pregnant at 18 and moved in with ex-bf at 5 mths prego. Left him when dd was 3 mths. Should have left him a long long time ago. But, I feel that God wanted me to have dd and that is why I was with him. Maybe that is corny, but if nothing else, it gets me by. I am 21 now and dd will be 2 in September. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did and I wish I'd left him when I was pregnant.
I think we all know more than we thnk we do. Just b/c a man is wondeful, sweet,etc. does not mean he is the person we should be with. Mr Wonderful to one person is Mr Loser to the next, and vice versa!
Sara
post #10 of 13
6/10/02 at 11:27am
Thread Starter 
Thank you nanner and moondance! It was encouraging to read your posts. I've grown up and live with a lot of male dominated females. And the people around me who i have asked advice of, have made me feel selfish for my feelings. I definately feel like bf/dh and i have grown so much together, but we've reached the point where now it seems we just trod on eachothers dreams. He has so much potential, but again i feel he is too easily influenced by society. It is strange because in so many ways he understands what is right and wrong, and is so passionate, but first and foremost i am a mother, and he needs to value father hood and his ds more. Communication isnt a problem either. he understands how i feel and in certain mind altered states it seems like he comes to and really knows what i mean, deep down he is good. -----i dont know--it is really hard to write down, but anyway, you guys are great, encouraging and really strong women. Thanks and Peace.
post #11 of 13
6/21/02 at 1:42am
im with moondance

id say take your time, theres no rush

watch how your perspective will change

and remember that thinking someone isnt deep enough for you or on your same level might be confused with not appriciating his view of beuty

its sooo hard to know the right thing but take your time and maybe take some notes and be sure to ask a wide variety of ppl for input, like you said all the ppl youve spoken to are sort of on dhs side and all the ppl hear are on your side, may i suggest forgetting about sides altogether and agree to disagree, you see in the long run its not so much important that you had so much in common or so many of the same views with each other, it is how you comprimised with each other and gave mutual respect.

but if indeed it does come to a point where your sure it will go no further do not be seduced by "potential"

he doesnt have to be a "bad" guy for it not to work out, or even for it not to work right now, and i must say that in the case of if you divorced him and youd have even less controll over your childs environment is certainly not a reason to stay together, and not to worry too much about this aspect of it, people change so much over time............. but never how you think they will
post #12 of 13
7/9/02 at 9:28pm
I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their input, especially moondance.
I have been struggling for a long time now, going back and forth with separating from my husband. Recently, I had a moment of grace where I realized that I'm staying for all the wrong reasons (mostly because I'm afraid of making it out in the world on my own with a 2 yr old).
Suddenly, my fears subsided enough for me to decide to leave.
I haven't filed yet, I'm still in the information gathering stage.
But reading other people's experiences has really helped to me to know that I am truly not alone, and there are obviously many ways to do the "right" thing.

thanks again.
post #13 of 13
7/9/02 at 10:43pm
im glad to hear that you will no longer have to deal with the stress of deciding what to do, sometimes thats the worst part of life.

now you can focus all your used energy on accomplishing what you now know you want to do. good luck and wish you and your family well