advice on rhythm (exhales)

[Adasmommy]

eta: this is kind of a rambling post/question. It did NOT come out concise, but I hope someone can advise me anyway. It seems I really have two questions, one about more ideas for active play, and the other about how to occupy her (preferably with active play) so that I can be productive.

I want to implement more rhythm into our day and I think the idea I've gleaned from some Waldorf mamas on here makes a lot of sense to me: that restful (inhale) periods should be interspersed with active (exhale) periods.

My problem is that I can come up with a lot more inhales than exhales. I know that playing outside is an exhale, but my dd (4 years old) is currently an only child and she wants me to play with her outside, and I can only take a few minutes of chase or hide n seek, before I'm ready to go inside and do chores. I guess my attention span for meaningless activity is too short! She is also really into imaginative play, but, again, wants me to play with her so that she doesn't really go to her room and play with her toys by herself so often.

So, we love reading together and do that a bunch. I just need some active stuff to come in between. My dd is crawling the walls for my attention whenever I try to do my work (on computer or housework). We go to the park and play with friends, but not every day is a day in which we go out, and usually not more than once a day.

Is artwork an exhale? What if she helps me clean or bake--this is not nearly as active as outdoor play, but more active than reading . . . exhale or inhale?

What about biking somewhere with her riding behind me. Is this an exhale for her or an inhale, since she's just relaxing and enjoying the ride?

I need help keeping her occupied and I want to do it with rhythm. I'd love to have her do her exhaling while I am doing my chores, since the quiet time is usually spent together . . . and this house aint gonna clean itself!

[mamaUK]

I haven't got a great deal of time to do a full reply now as I am just about to do my LO's bedtime blessing but I just wanted to jump in and suggest involving your LO in some of your house work, like could folding laundry be a joint activity you could do together on your living room floor, ask her to find the matching socks etc etc. It might be something you could enjoy together and she would feel like a grown up helping you out. So she won't be searcing for your attention and she might love it or get bored and run away and find something to do by herself. Also I just wanted to quickly mention that I used to play constantly with my LO but after reading a thread on here called something like 'You are not your child's entertainer' made me realise that I was actually stunting her creativity by constantly playing right with her. She is so much happier now she plays around me while i do chores so she can come for hugs/chats/ goes off to play.....It helps ENORMOUSLY to have her play shelves in the living area so she can independently choose her toys when she wants............got to dash now........sorry couldn't help about the exhales/inhales but I'm sure someone else will jump in.

[AngelBee]

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[Collinsky]

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[LuxPerpetua]

My dd is also an only (she just turned 3) and she will not play independently and craves constant interaction, will not let me work while she plays, etc. What I do is incorporate this togetherness into our rhythm. Each day we have blocks of time where we concentrate on imaginative play (child-led but with me for interaction) and blocks of time where she helps me with housework, as well as just times for us to take a walk outside together or go somewhere. Some children just need more interaction from their parents and I've just found that it's a losing battle to fight it and I think it hurts them more and makes them more needy if you try to work around it. Every child will learn to play independently eventually, just like they will all potty-learn, etc. For some this happens earliers, for others not so much. Personally, I don't really concentrate on "exhale and inhale" activities but just try and balance child-led versus parent-led activities and indoor versus outdoor activities. I have too much on my mind already to make things more complicated

ETA: I just noticed that your dd is 4. She could definitely be helping with housework and cooking at this age. For us, every Monday is our cleaning day so after breakfast I take an hour and do wiping and dusting, and dd is in charge of cleaning the toilets with baking soda and vinegar and assists (or chooses not to assist but play nearby or just sing or whatever) with the other work. She also helps me cook each week (we cook on a weekly basis versus a daily basis usually), and we do special baking projects together for snack once a week. DD also helps do our laundry and wash dishes. When all else fails and I really need her to be occupied while I do something, I put her in the bathtub with kitchen supplies (cake pans, steamer, spatula, etc.) and shaving cream.

[traceface]

I think your understanding of the exhale/inhale idea is slightly off (though it's possible I am the one who's confused!)

restful (inhale) periods should be interspersed with active (exhale) periods

So our Waldorf pre-school teacher explained an "inhale" period as when you are taking in new information, concentrating, focused on someone else or their view of the world/expectations. So ring time activities would be an inhale, being told a story, sitting and having a meal with the other children. All of those things are other-focused and you are bringing something from the outside into yourself, thus inhaling.

Exhale is when the child lets free their own inner world. This state would include free play, daydreaming quietly by oneself, outside play, making up an elaborate pretend game with other kids (be it an active one like pirates *or* a calm one like a tea party, both are exhales). You can think of an exhale period as the child "breathing himself out", letting what is in his limbs and imagination flow out and have free rein.

This was the key difference between an inhale and an exhale, as I understood it -not whether it was relaxing or not. It's misleading if you think about it as a dichotomy of relaxing/not relaxing - because in both exhales and outhale, there are things that look both active and relaxing.

But if you think about it, exhales *are* more relaxing for a child in that you can be completely yourself and don't need to listen, focus or sit still. For an adult, watching a puppet show seems more relaxing than running around madly outside for 1 hour playing pirates, but evidently for children, it's quite the contrary!

O experienced Waldorf mamas, Deborah, hannahsmommy - please correct me if I am wrong! I could well be. We might as well get it straight so we can answer adasmommy's question knowing we are all on the same page!

[Adasmommy]

Traceface, that gives me a whole new way to look at our activities and I'll need some time to mull it over! If you're right, it would make it much easier to determine when we're inhaling and when we're exhaling . . . but then again, I was attracted to the concept when I thought it was alternating energy and relaxing so I'll also have to re-evaluate whether it makes sense to me! I feel like you've given me mental homework!

Thanks for your perspective, LuxPerpetua. I agree, that giving dd attention is great, and that she will need less of it in time (and I'll probably miss it, then!). She hasn't been very interested in helping me with housework or baking lately, but I could try inviting and including her more, and as MamaUK pointed out, if she got bored and ran off . . . well, that would work too! Also, your post has me thinking that having more of a weekly rhythm, such as cleaning on Monday, cooking on Tuesday, might make it easier or more fun for her to be included in those activities.

And, MamaUK, I don't feel that I am obliged to entertain dd. I am thrilled to let her entertain herself, though I love overhearing her play. But, in dd's case, she won't leave me alone and play solo so often. She just wants me, so it's a different thing. I think I will work harder at including her in my activities, and reserving some times when I can devote myself wholeheartedly to hers without thinking, "how can I get out of this and go get something productive done?" This was my DH's suggestion, and I think he's so wise

I rather think she would be less needy of me if she got all my attention more often, and less reluctantly. She is certainly worth of it!

All in all, your responses have me feeling very inspired. Thanks muchly!

[mamaUK]

Originally Posted by Adasmommy

I rather think she would be less needy of me if she got all my attention more often, and less reluctantly. She is certainly worth of it!

I'm glad that you have found some helpful answers on here, one thing that I just wanted to mention was that what I have found with my DD is she will play very happily solo once she has had a block of my attention during, say, the morning period of the day. So I find it very helpful to cuddle up on the sofa and read her a good story and have snuggles first thing straight after breakfast and then continue with some chores that need to be done. Because she has had my undivided attention at the beginning of the day i think she then feels safe to go off and play solo creatively by herself. (is that exhale? I think it is from reading previous posts...) For me I don't think it would work so well if I jumped straight into a chore right after breakfast and read her a story afterwards for example...she would be hanging onto to me wanting my attention.....

[boatbaby]

I am struggling with the same thing here. I JUST reorganized our space 3 days ago (we live on a boat, so the space thing is VERY limited and tricky) and I have all of his open ended toys and art supplies OUT and available now in baskets where he can get them along with even more books out and accessible. (Again, we can't have all of his play things out b/c then we literally wouldn't be able to move around. But he knows where the put away ones are, he can get to them, he knows how they are organized etc)

DS also demands I play a role in imaginary games (often the same ones over & over for weeks making my mind a little numb ) And if I try to find a moment to slide out of the game and do dishes, get on the computer, etc he FREAKS out! Yesterday I played actively with him for one full hour (we set a timer even b/c we had to then meet a friend for a playdate) and when it was time to transition away from play to getting ready to leave it was HORRIBLE!!

We struggle with transitions BIG time. Even when the next activity is more desirable than what he's doing (like going for ice cream with his best friend) He still has the rockiest time transitioning. Which by the way is rather new for him. He used to be just fine with it for his first 3 or so years.

DS gets especially needy when I am on the computer versus doing any other chore. If I check my email for just a moment he automatically starts acting up for my attention.

Even after a concentrated period of me giving him the undivided attention, when I move on to something else he cries out "But you never took the time to play with me!!!!" and makes a huge fuss -- even after an hour of play.

Part of me wants to "set him up" with something -- like say "why don't you build a castle for the guinea pig with your blocks" or "why don't you paint a picture for grandpa of your day at the park". But then I wonder if that is too pushy and parent led?

We really DO need to establish rhythms, an aspect of Waldorf that is not my style but seems to be something DS needs. I struggle with it though. I am more of a free flowing, unschooly personality in that regard.

I am open to ideas from those who have their act together

[mamaUK]

Originally Posted by boatbaby

Even after a concentrated period of me giving him the undivided attention, when I move on to something else he cries out "But you never took the time to play with me!!!!" and makes a huge fuss -- even after an hour of play.

I don't want to say too much b/c I don't want tomatoes chucked at me for saying the wrong thing, but I thing sometimes our DC need to understand that we as parents and individuals have needs too that need to be met aswell as their needs on a daily basis. It sounds like you give him plenty of loving play. I know it I was in your situation I would end up feeling a little bit manipulated, b/c you have just given your undivided attention for an hour. All I know is that I was in a similar situation to you about 8 months ago and I had to (and did) do something about it as I didn't want it to negatively affect my relationship with my toddler. I was feeling trapped by her demands of play all the time (all morning and all afternoon) and I knew I wasn't meeting my needs b/c , honestly, i found it boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So if I was bored, a bit unhappy, how was I going to be the great mum I wanted to be to my little girl? So , after coming on here for help and advice, I got our days sorted out and basically stopped playing with her all of the time and having blocks of quality time instead, with lots of love and cuddles and I can honestly say she is so much happier!!!!!!!!!!! She knows now that she can confidently play independently, with me near by to chat to, and still have a great time!
(By the way, there was a period of adjustment of about two weeks until she was happy to play independently)

About the computer thing, my LO never particularly likes it when I am on the computer, she will hop up straight away for cuddles and start tapping so usually I just don't bother and wait until she is napping.

[mamaUK]

Originally Posted by boatbaby

(we set a timer even b/c we had to then meet a friend for a playdate) and when it was time to transition away from play to getting ready to leave it was HORRIBLE!!

We struggle with transitions BIG time. Even when the next activity is more desirable than what he's doing (like going for ice cream with his best friend) He still has the rockiest time transitioning. Which by the way is rather new for him. He used to be just fine with it for his first 3 or so years.

after re-reading your post i just wanted to make a suggestion, maybe don't make a big deal about the transitions and let things flow more naturally. From my experience, it was better just for me to quietly say, 'I'm just going to make a cup of tea' and then slowly start a chore rather than bring an abrupt end to the activity, I guess, I was almost slipping away unnoticed. I found if I actually discussed with my LO, 'now mum is going to do X, Y or Z' and make a real big thing of it then my LO used to be,' I don't want to play by myself, stay etc etc' which used to make me feel really guilty and sometimes some things just NEED to be done! I'm probably talking rubbish but i hope I have helped a little bit

[boatbaby]

Originally Posted by mamaUK

I don't want to say too much b/c I don't want tomatoes chucked at me for saying the wrong thing, but I thing sometimes our DC need to understand that we as parents and individuals have needs too that need to be met aswell as their needs on a daily basis. It sounds like you give him plenty of loving play. I know it I was in your situation I would end up feeling a little bit manipulated, b/c you have just given your undivided attention for an hour. All I know is that I was in a similar situation to you about 8 months ago and I had to (and did) do something about it as I didn't want it to negatively affect my relationship with my toddler. I was feeling trapped by her demands of play all the time (all morning and all afternoon) and I knew I wasn't meeting my needs b/c , honestly, i found it boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So if I was bored, a bit unhappy, how was I going to be the great mum I wanted to be to my little girl? So , after coming on here for help and advice, I got our days sorted out and basically stopped playing with her all of the time and having blocks of quality time instead, with lots of love and cuddles and I can honestly say she is so much happier!!!!!!!!!!! She knows now that she can confidently play independently, with me near by to chat to, and still have a great time!
(By the way, there was a period of adjustment of about two weeks until she was happy to play independently)

About the computer thing, my LO never particularly likes it when I am on the computer, she will hop up straight away for cuddles and start tapping so usually I just don't bother and wait until she is napping.

No tomatoes here -- I totally agree with everything you said!!! My questions then would be HOW do you do it. What do you say or do to make that clear, to make the transition?

[mamaUK]

Originally Posted by boatbaby

No tomatoes here -- I totally agree with everything you said!!! My questions then would be HOW do you do it. What do you say or do to make that clear, to make the transition?

Well, I find to make the transition from our cuddles and reading for example on the sofa, I unthread her arms from round my neck and gently say

'mum's thirtsy, I want a cup of tea ....and then, to distract her from getting unpset and wanting more stories I say.....would you like a water or juice. Oh, Ok, what juice would you like?''

This is just one example, i find distraction works very well so I get her thinking about something else.

Or I might say:
'Mum is going to fold laundry now, do you think you can help me pull it out the dryer?' She might help for five minutes, gets bored, sees I'm busy, goes and occupies herself.

About the transition on a grander scale (going from a lot of play, to a more managable amount during that day) I think I did actually discuss it with my 3 year old. I said that I couldn't play with her for the enitre day every day b/c my job as a mum was to look after her and the family and the house to keep evryone happy. I have to say, she didn't like this discussion and resisted it big time and went around saying for a week, 'I'm not going to play by myself'. Yes, it was painful to see but it was something we had to go through for the sake of her quality of creative play and my sanity. Her play is so much better now I have butted out. The other day when she was 'talking to the doctor' I said something and she said 'mummy please don't talk, I am talking to the doctor actually.' I felt like saying 'I'm so sorry, shall I just butt out then?' I reckon her answer would have been 'yes!'
Feel free to ask any questions, i'm sure there will be lots of people to help on here. Loads of people helped me and I was desperate.

[zansmama]

Yeah, I remember making this transition with ds: weirder for me, perhaps, because I'd rather spend the day playing with him than doing housework.
I just try to make him feel included, offering to let him help. He will sometimes, but mostly realizes that he'd rather do his own thing. DS is also an only, and I can't help feeling jealous of homeshooling moms with bigger families. Not to have to worry about ds feeling lonely would be such a luxury!

We have also really tried to "fill him up" with booktime together, walks together, art together, etc. And sometimes we do play together, but not as the main focus of his play, and usually a game of cards, or chess, or mancala, or a puzzle... Also, singing can really make us feel like we're doing something together, even if we're doing completely different things while we sing.

I guess I would also reccomend for the little ones, 3 or so, have you considered wearing them on your back again? We did this for a little while at that age, and it really seemed to satisfy his need. Within a week he didn't want it anymore, and became more independent.

Oh, and I don't think "setting them up" with an activity is too parent-led at all! It's the only way I get sanity sometimes!

[cera]

: must come back and read this all later

[Adasmommy]

MamaUK, thanks so much for opening this discussion up more and all the great advice. While I try to intersperse undivided attention to dd with doing my chores, I am now going to be more conscious about it, make sure to read books first thing in the morning, and, as all the advisors on here seem to agree, invite her to join me in my chore after our together time. Ha!

Thanks all!