Rudest comment from my mother

[jenr]

I was talking to my mother yesterday morning, and I mentioned something about the new baby and she derisively said "are you still planning on having it at home?" I casually said, "yes, because I don't want a C-section if s/he stays breech". She freaks out, starts crying and goes on and on about how she just knew something would go wrong, that I am way to old to be having children, that I am going to die giving birth breech at home and that it serves me right, that I never should have had Cordy because I am too old, that I am a cruel mother because I am going to die while my kids are still young, etc. Um, excuse me, I just turned 37 on Dec. 5th. Last time I checked I wasn't eligible for the retirement home yet.

Great so now I am an awful, ancient mother who has doomed her children to an adulthood without her. Nice. :

DH says to just ignore her, that 5 out of the 6 people I know who are pregnant are older than me, that people still guess I am in my mid-20s, that I am healthy as a horse, and that my midwives never even mentioned my age so it obviously isn't an issue, but now it is stuck in the back of my mind.

Ah well, I guess I will just try to forget it, get my elderly bottom back to prepping for New Year's Eve dinner (yummy fondue and mimosas - with sparkling cider for the kiddos and me), and get on with my life.

[nighten]

Dang! Your mother could give my mother a run for her money on the guilt tripping. Yikes. Sorry you had to deal with that. I think advanced maternal age is far less about chronology and more about health.

Hang in there.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by nighten

I think advanced maternal age is far less about chronology and more about health.

Hang in there.

: I've got a mother like that too. She can't get it through her head that things have changed in some ways since she gave birth 30 years ago....

Try not to let it get to you.

[OceansEve]

sorry she isn't supportive. I don't know how I'd react to that. My mom is more covert with her attacks. She told DH to just "let them cut her open" w/ DD2

[LionTigerBear]

Oh for crying out loud. That's ridiculous. My mom's last child was born when she was 41, and it was at home and the labor was like an hour. Everyone was more than fine. You'll be fine too. More than fine. I'm sorry your mom is like that.

I love the HypnoBabies affirmation, "Other people's negative feelings belong only to them."

[kssinca]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

I love the HypnoBabies affirmation, "Other people's negative feelings belong only to them."

:

How rude of your mom to say that to you! I'm a LOT more hormonal right now so I probably would have said something equally inappropriate back.

[jenr]

In the grand scheme of horrible things she has said every time I have been pg this one is pretty mild, but for some reason it really hurt me (rather than the usual just being insulted). I have been told by several relatives (Dad, aunt, SIl, BIL, nieces) that she told everyone that I have horrible pregnancies, am sick all the time, miserable, huge, and almost died during a horrible labour with DS#1. My Dad absolutely panicked when I told him I was pg with #2 because my mother had called him and told him that S and I had almost died during a days long labour. Um, I was in labour for 4 hours with no problems, never have any pg symptoms, and breeze through so easily that I am generally hated by my pregnant friends.

When I finally told her I was pg with #4 a few weeks ago her response was "Oh, god I hoped you were just getting fatter".

As DH keeps reminding me she is a drama queen and needs to create confrontation and disharmony, so I have resolved to not mention the baby again until I have to tell her that she has a new grandchild.

My kids' joy and excitement make up for any negativity from other family members. Truly, it is only their reaction and DH's that matters to me.

[Everrgreen]

That's very mean of her to guilt trip you like that. I am also having frustrating problems with my mom. It seems that for every decision I make she has some story about why some person she knows thinks it's a bad idea. And she keeps saying "I'm sorry, but I just care a lot about this little baby" - as if I don't??? Ugh, mothers! :

[kssinca]

Originally Posted by Gillian28

Ugh, mothers! :

My mom isn't that bad and this will be her first grandchild. But I was wondering if our mothers are missing being the mom of a newborn again? And that the way we want to birth or raise/have raised our children, which may not have been the way they did it, is a "negative" reflection on them and that's why all the rude comments?

I think for my mom that is true, since I am an only child. She was new to this country, newly married and did not enjoy being pregnant with me. So I kinda feel like the stuff she says/does is her way of making herself feel better.

[jenr]

Not in my mother's case. She has tried to convinve me to get rid of the baby every time I've gotten pregnant.

With #1 - it will be short and ugly (my Dh is only an inch taller than me, but I am over 5'7" and my kids are cute and tall)

With #2 - you can never love your second as much as your first, and it is unfair to them. (Need I even mention that I am #2)

With #3 - she was visiting my bro in the UK and he won't tell me what she said but it made my nieces not speak to her for 3 weeks. But when she got back to the US tried to convince me to give the baby away (too late to "get rid" of it) because I would end up making #2 a middle child and she hates my middle niece.

With #4 - I am too old and something will be wrong with the baby if I allow it to be born to such an old mother.

She has issues.

[JosieAK]

"Issues" is putting it mildly! Good grief! It's so mean of her to play on normal hormonal pregnancy fears. I'VE had the stupid first mother fears of "what if we make an ugly baby?"

I hope you have other "mothers" around you who support and love you and your babies.

[New_Natural_Mom]

My mom had me when she was 38 - my DH's mom had his little brother when she was 38 (and severely overweight - so she was massively high risk - bed rest throughout, etc.) I just turned 29 and had my first baby in April. My mom and DH's mom are in excellent health. My brother in law is about to graduate from high school, so it is NO BIG DEAL. Some woman in India just had a baby and she is in her 70s. Your mother is just concerned/worried about you and is coming from a place of fear. She doesn't know how to express her emotions in a healthy way. I personally would just tell her that you will only be accepting support at this time, if she chooses to continue this behavior you will cut her off. You don't need that kind of negativity in your space. Congrats on the baby!

[TayTaysMama]

Oh my! You must have the patience of a saint to put up with her saying things like that to you! I'd never be able to stop myself from telling her off!

Sorry she gives you such a hard time.

[firefly mama]

Sounds like your mom needs to be locked away somewhere without a phone (so she can hurt only herself). Geesh. What a biotch.

[Cherry Alive]

Jeez, Louise!

Your mother has serious issues to be saying that...much less calling you up in tears (can we say uber manipulative?).

Both DH and I have opinionated/controlling family members. We are discovering it's good to put them in their place (IOW- respectfully out of our business) bc:
1) my health and the baby's comes first (added drama/stress/worry isn't good for either of us—and it's not good for my dh either).
2) we realized if we give our rude/know-it-all family members an inch now, they will surely walk all over us once the kid gets here.

The easiest way to start this is distance...via locality or conveniently not having "enough time" for frequent visits, phone calls, and/or answering the door when said relative visits w/out a heads-up (using the excuse "I was taking a nap" or "I didn't hear you over the vacuum cleaner" is helpful).

Of course we both found it is best (though most difficult) to lay down the law and tell rude people that they aren't welcome to discuss the birthing (or any other parenting choice). We warn them if they do, we will leave or hang up on them (the trick is making sure to follow up with this if they continue).

[hedgewitch]

Your mum is utterly bonkers. Good luck to you and your lovely new baby bean who will be here in no time! Just focus on that loveliness and not your mum's poison.

You are a vital and wonderful mum and a very forgiving daughter. I would have doinked something off her head by now.

[Citykid]

Oh Jen. I'm so sorry. Clearly your mom has regrets about her own birthing and parenting experiences and is projecting them onto you. Needless to repeat, but you shouldn't listen to a word she says. Think of a duck's back.

I know a lot of people advocate telling people straight out that they won't tolerate negative comments, or avoiding seeing difficult people. I have a different strategy: lying.

I can only imagine the kinds of things my mother would say if she knew I was giving birth at home. I would never tell her I was going to give birth breech vaginally! This way, I have lost a little closeness with her (which I am sad about), but I still get to have a close relationship with her. Sounds like your mom could use a nice fat pack of lies. She lives far away from you now, right? How about telling her you've changed your mind and will give birth in a hospital? She'll never know, and it might give you the peace you need.