How To Respond

[hollyvangogh]

I was commenting to my husband how weird it's been since having my LO to have so many mamas asking me how BF is going and then (unsolicited) telling me how they couldn't BF and why, etc. etc. It baffles me, because some of these experiences are from people I do not know well. And how do you respond to something like that?

Well, DH said I should say "Neither could I, unless I used a nipple shield." (We've been using a shield)

And I realized, that maybe that's a good way to respond "Neither could I unless -fill in the blank-" Perhaps if women who had trouble BF (especially early on) responded that way then other women would begin to realize (w/o feeling attacked or shamed) that BF is not always a dream experience but that you can get through the rough patches most of the time. It's normal to face challenges and it doesn't mean your body is a lemon or that your milk is no good, kwim?

What do you think? A gentle form of lactivism and a good way to respond, or no?

[limabean]

I'm by no means a lactivism expert, but I think that's a good way to respond. I had significant challenges early on, and then again just a few weeks ago, and really struggled to work through it both times because BFing is so important to me, and I do mention that when people bring up BFing struggles to me. I won't be blatantly judgmental, but if they mention the challenges that caused them to stop, I'll say something like, "Yes, it can be so hard at first. One thing that helped me was _____."

And truthfully, if I hadn't had so much support from family and friends, and a schedule that enabled lots of flexibility so that I was able to nurse my baby whenever she needed it, there's a chance that I might have considered stopping at some point (I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible). So I never really see stopping BFing as a sign of weakness/lack of dedication on the part of the mother (although that's certainly possible), but more as a failure of the system as a whole to provide adequate support for new nursing mothers.

[hollyvangogh]

Originally Posted by limabean

So I never really see stopping BFing as a sign of weakness/lack of dedication on the part of the mother (although that's certainly possible), but more as a failure of the system as a whole to provide adequate support for new nursing mothers.

Yes, this! Whenever someone tells me how they couldn't do it, or their milk was "no good' I have to wonder if they had gotten better support if things would have been different. I've read that about 5% of women are truly unable to support a baby w/ breast milk. But more than 5% of the moms I know have been telling me why they couldn't do it. And I get so frustrated because I bet that at least some of them probably got bad advice from a nurse or doctor and now they and their baby are missing out because they didn't get the right support and information.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by hollyvangogh

Yes, this! Whenever someone tells me how they couldn't do it, or their milk was "no good' I have to wonder if they had gotten better support if things would have been different. I've read that about 5% of women are truly unable to support a baby w/ breast milk. But more than 5% of the moms I know have been telling me why they couldn't do it. And I get so frustrated because I bet that at least some of them probably got bad advice from a nurse or doctor and now they and their baby are missing out because they didn't get the right support and information.

I think you're right. And I think it's okay to express frustration about that to moms that this happened to. Some of them may have just not been interested in BFing, or may have been looking for an "excuse" to stop, but others may have wanted to continue but were just unable to in the face of so much opposition/lack of support. And maybe they'd appreciate a little nonjudgmental "Argh, the system is just not set up for nursing mothers!" support and understanding.

[RoadWorkAhead]

Ya know, I was trying to suck it up the other night and act like BFing isn't killing me this go-round (it is big time, as DS is either tongue tied or needs to grow...He's chewing me up!) but then I realized the 2 moms I was around needed to see that its not just that its easy for me...Its far from it. But there is support and reason to keep going when possible. Nipple pain, latch issues, exhaustion can be overcome with lots of support - But not if I make others think its just easy for me, KWIM? INstead they saw DH rubbing my shoulders as I got him latched and stomping my foot to get past the worst of the pain - But getting support to do so.

[elizaMM]

A common line is "I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed to go on breastfeeding." But that feels pretty forced to me. I like your idea. I've also been leaning toward "I am so disapointed (angry) that its still so hard to get good help and support with bf'ing" or something. What do y'all think?

[KBecks]

I think people feel guilt or envy, they wanted to BF. I'd offer empathy. If they are going to have more kids, offer encouragement.

Maybe like, so many women want to bf but get little support. I'm sorry you didn't get to br for as long as you wanted to.

I think what they want to hear is that they are still good moms.

[Swan3]

My response was that it was really hard for me for about 6 weeks, but that I was lucky to have sought out a breastfeeding clinic in my area and had lots of other support too. If we're chatting I often list some of the challenges I had (thrush, engorgement, sleepy baby, supply dip) and all the things I did to counter the challenges bu how it was all totally worth it.

[hollyvangogh]

Originally Posted by KBecks

I think people feel guilt or envy, they wanted to BF.

Thanks for pointing that out. Important to remember.

[kalamos23]

I agree - my SIL wanted to BF but said she stopped because she couldn't (she gave me a reason, but for the life of me, I can't remember - it was more that she wasn't supported in her BFing) and now when she sees me BF Riley, she always comments on how she couldn't. I'm pretty sure she either feels guilty or envious or both. I kind of feel bad that she didn't get the support that she needed though.

[apple_juice]

I had several problems with my LO at the start. It was six weeks till ok, 8 weeks till good, 12 weeks till bliss.

I would always go back to the free lactation drop in to weigh my son for the first 8 months after that. The LC's there encouraged it so mama's having troubles could hear our stories and see us bf'ing and loving it.

I feel guilty that I didn't share my story with a friend who was having problems and lack of support at the same time I had my probs (but with loads of support). She stopped bf at 4 weeks and due to her trauma says won't try again with next babe. I think if maybe I could have been more supportive she could have kept going. But at that point I didn't have anything left to give.

[mamajake]

I think you have to be sensitive to the cues. The "I didn't have enough milk" may be part of a question about how you did have enough or it could be the answer she is satisfied with for herself. I wouldn't offer to help someone who doesn't want help - she is probably dealing with other issues. But sometimes I heard the question and it really was a question. Then I would give everything I had.

For someone who feels pain about not having breastfed (consciously or not), seeing other women breastfeeding may be very hard. I know I spent years nursing my kids without a second thought about whether it was triggering or painful for anyone else. I probably wouldn't do anything differently with regard to breastfeeding my kids but I know that after years of c/sections I fought against and planned VBACs and HBACs that failed, I don't ever want to hear another person's wonderful joyous birth story. I'll fight for the rights of midwives and women to choose the birth they want but I don't really want to go to their conferences or listen to their talks.

If it is possible that the person who says, "oh, my breasts weren't big enough to feed my kids" feels as bad about not having had the nursing experience as I do about never having had a vaginal birth, then I will just give her a smile. She doesn't need to hear what breastfeeding has meant for me and what might have been for her.

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by mamajake

If it is possible that the person who says, "oh, my breasts weren't big enough to feed my kids" feels as bad about not having had the nursing experience as I do about never having had a vaginal birth, then I will just give her a smile. She doesn't need to hear what breastfeeding has meant for me and what might have been for her.

How about giving hope? I know that through sharing my story with mamas who were told/convinced that they didn't have enough/it was too hard etc etc that they've given it another shot with the next one. If they're talking about it I think it's fair to share experiences, although of course with sensitivity.

[caro113]

I'm afraid I'm guilt of doing such a thing. I was at my friend's daughter's first birthday party, and needless to say, there were lots o babies there. A bunch of us were talking and there was one mama there with an 8wk old baby (yay! one baby younger than mine) and she said that his surgery was coming up since he was born with a cleft lip. And I made the comment "that must making nursing a little difficult" and she simply replied by saying that the doctors told her to do something with her finger over his lip to help him latch on and I said "oh well that must make it so much easier" (mind you I was nursing as the time of this conversation, so maybe that's why I said something) and she just said "oh I never bother" which just floored me. My friend, who was holding the baby, asked if I wanted to hold him since my hands were free by this point and I said it was okay. It was okay because every fiber in my being was telling me to hold that baby and nurse him so he could get breast milk at least once.

But her response was good. She simply stated her answer in a matter-of-fact way and that was the end of it. Maybe that will work for you.

Good luck!