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January dating thread!!!! - Page 7

post #121 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
If he wants to spend time with me, he will go where I want to go....
Good for you for following through with the terms you feel comfortable with. You sound very powerful in this post and I don't worry about you at all, if you continue with this mindset.
post #122 of 306
Yay Anne!! SO glad to hear that. And online dating IS good for getting to know people a bit, it at least helps filter through people a lot more which is tremendously helpful, I think.
post #123 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Peachymomma: He sounds like a great guy How is his reaction to you having 5 kids? Just curious as before I started dating I thought it would be near impossible to find a guy who suited me, whom I was in love with and respected, and who would also not mind taking on a lady with three small children. I mean - most couples think 2 kids is more than enough - so going from being single to being in a relationship involving 3 or more stepchildren - that is a BIG deal.

Anyway - just wondering how you avoid getting into a situation where the guy suddenly realises that he has taken on more than he is ready to deal with?


Seie I am very upfront bout having five children. It is one of the first things I mention. That way if there are any doubts at all they have the chance to escape ANd honestly I really dont know how to stay out of the situation where he decides its to much. I do know that men can out on you for any reason and if thats the reason he uses then I really don't want to be with him. When I find the right man he will love me and my children. We are a package deal. I am trying to do the right thing by not letting him meet them for a while and he does get to hear me on the phone while I am talking to them. I dont sugar coat anything. He is very accepting of them and is very excited to be their step-dad if it ever comes to that. He does not have children of his own, but his ex wife has a 12 yr old daughter that he still helps out with her homework and sees her on a EOW basis. It makes me so happy to see that he still loves her like that!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
Welcome peachymomma, congrats on your new guy, sounds like it's going great!
Thank you anne, I think you have a great plan on going to the mall with your new guy. Keep it public and get to know him.

Quote:
=mmace;12969840]Welcome, peachymomma!
Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Damn it, I burst into tears again.
That's the million dollar question

I agree with Holland73 about peachymama's amazing attitude. I wish I could just chalk this all up to a learning experience about men and shrug it off instantly, but I guess I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself just grieve awhile, since it's inevitable, apparently.
((Butterflymom)) BIG HUGS

Greiving is ok and definantly something necessary.
post #124 of 306
I've just finally caught up reading and can't believe I missed so much.

I just wanted to write a few things that have helped me and continue to help me as I navigate through dating and relationships.

1. Be YOURSELF. All ways, and always. If you're not wanting something, don't do it. It you're not comfortable with something, speak up. Make sure you are clearly expressing WHO YOU REALLY ARE at all times so the person knows what they are getting into and your boundaries, etc.

2. ASK questions. I ask a ton of questions and double back. I'll say, "So, what do you like to do?" Then I'll listen and tuck the answer away. A day or two later, I'll ask something specific about what they said as a way to see if they are truthful. A liar always gets caught in their lies if you continue asking questions. BOOK REC: "Never Be Lied To Again" David J. Lieberman

3. ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. It is there to guide you and protect you. If you aren't comfortable, if you feel scared, nervous, etc. figure out why you are feeling that way. If it's your intuition, keep yourself safe. If it's your own fears, do some work on yourself before getting in further. BOOK REC: "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker

4. Be comfortable with yourself/know yourself. If you feel good about who you are, you attract people who will also feel good about themselves and be in a place where you can have a happy, healthy relationship. Know that you are ALWAYS deserving of a healthy, happy relationship and there are so many wonderful people out there, if you're not with a good one...break it off and do what it takes to find a good one.

Life and relationships should feel good. Relationships should be the added spice that doesn't make up our meal but enhances an already wonderful and complete dish. They aren't meant to be the meat to make the dish because you don't already feel complete without it.

Know that adding someone to your life should be fun, loving, healthy, happy and feel comfortable and natural. If it doesn't, it's probably a good time to step back a bit and really look at ourselves, who we are, what we want, where we're going.

There are so many wonderful men out there and we are all such wonderful women here. Make sure you find someone who really matches you, your personality, your lifestyle, your family. Make sure you find someone who really adds something wonderful to your life experience. Make sure you find someone healthy who is willing and able to have a healthy and happy relationship with you too.

Wishing you all love, fun, peace & happy, healthy, dating/relationship experiences.
post #125 of 306
MsChatsAlot thanks for sharing your advice, I need to keep reading that.

Im feeling really stressed tonight about all this. Im SO nervous about seeing my guy again because I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. It's stressing me out! Plus I still don't know where to go with him. DanishMom you made a good point, we probably can't really talk very well if we go to the mall....but then where else can we go where we CAN talk? Apart from my place or his place where there's no distractions...

Im actually considering calling it all off when he calls me tomorrow, because im "that" nervous and anxious about it I hate anxiety. If I do that, I would ask him if we can still talk on the phone as friends and continue to get to know eachother better. Maybe that's all im ready for at this point? I just don't know.

I don't want to give into my fears, but im really feeling like I will. Take the easy way out, im such a whimp when it comes to this stuff. :
post #126 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
MsChatsAlot thanks for sharing your advice, I need to keep reading that.

Im feeling really stressed tonight about all this. Im SO nervous about seeing my guy again because I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. It's stressing me out! Plus I still don't know where to go with him. DanishMom you made a good point, we probably can't really talk very well if we go to the mall....but then where else can we go where we CAN talk? Apart from my place or his place where there's no distractions...

Im actually considering calling it all off when he calls me tomorrow, because im "that" nervous and anxious about it I hate anxiety. If I do that, I would ask him if we can still talk on the phone as friends and continue to get to know eachother better. Maybe that's all im ready for at this point? I just don't know.

I don't want to give into my fears, but im really feeling like I will. Take the easy way out, im such a whimp when it comes to this stuff. :
anne im a lot like you....and seriously, xanax really helps me in these situations. i know that is not the necessarily the most natural way...but sometimes people need a little extra help. and im in a relationship now that i probably wouldnt have had the guts to move forward with if it wasnt for my xanax on the first couple dates. my anxiety was so bad, i would get physically ill.
good luck.

how about instead of the mall, go to dinner, you can sit and talk, since that is what you would like to do.
post #127 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post

how about instead of the mall, go to dinner, you can sit and talk, since that is what you would like to do.
:
post #128 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
where else can we go where we CAN talk? Apart from my place or his place where there's no distractions...
How about a coffeeshop?

Most coffeeshops have a quiet buzz to them and they are informal enough to be able to just hang out and chat.
post #129 of 306
A coffee shop or restaurant. I've had 3-4 hour lunches with my girlfriends before and have sat for hours chatting in a coffee shop too.
post #130 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post
anne im a lot like you....and seriously, xanax really helps me in these situations. i know that is not the necessarily the most natural way...but sometimes people need a little extra help.
I agree that xanax can be a really good thing but Anne do NOT take it when you are with this guy. You need to be 100% alert. I'd save the xanax for when you have a date with a guy that doesn't exhibit any red flags. You don't want to quiet your intuition in this case. '

MCA: Great list. I'd love to read "protecting the gift". I have an amazing intuition but hardly ever listen to it.

I agree dinner would be really nice. If that's impossible then lunch at the mall is better than nothing. Are there no restaurants or cafés where you live?
post #131 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post
anne im a lot like you....and seriously, xanax really helps me in these situations. i know that is not the necessarily the most natural way...but sometimes people need a little extra help. and im in a relationship now that i probably wouldnt have had the guts to move forward with if it wasnt for my xanax on the first couple dates. my anxiety was so bad, i would get physically ill.
good luck.
My anxiety isn't as bad as that, I don't vomit or hyperventilate. I do get light-headed/dizzy and afterwards get bad headaches, but most of the time it's a feeling of being in panic-mode, which is horrible. I'm on medication for depression, which helps, but I haven't actually talked to my doctor about the anxiety. Since the depression has got better, the anixety seems to have got worse. I see a counsellor at the end of this month, so im hanging on until then so I can talk to her about it and ask her if she thinks the doctor will give me anything for it. Im apprehensive about talking to my doctor about it, he wasn't very understanding when I saw him about being depressed. Im waiting for an appointment to see a psychiatrist who my doctor referred me to. So maybe he/she will give me some meds for it? I really want to talk to someone who deals with this stuff, not just my regular doctor who doesn't seem to "get it" at all. :

Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post
how about instead of the mall, go to dinner, you can sit and talk, since that is what you would like to do.
A place to sit down and drink or eat would be good because we can talk there. I'll suggest that the next time. This time though I've decided I want to sit on a bench at the local town park with him to talk. I hope he's going to be okay with that. I know it's cold outside, but it will be really quiet there, we can talk properly. Im going to talk with him about my depression, anxiety, and my physical health condition. Then see how he reacts to it and if he still wants to be with me or not. -Im not holding my breath over that one.
post #132 of 306
Thread Starter 

A quick check in

I have been lurking here, keep ing up with your stories I just have not had much time to post.

I wanted to just post a quick update, it is a new cycle for me, so we are working towards a again.. Hopefully I will be posting happy news in less than a month If it doesn't happen though, I am still happy.

Alot of times in relationships, I have had the tendency to let go of other parts of my life that I enjoyed..such as movie nights with friends, other hobbles and other things I kept up with because I was single and had alot of time. I noticed that I was starting to do that again and it freaked me out. I don't want to change and let the relationship be my only focus, it would eventually kill the relationship because I would be only a shadow of who I was when we got together. I am patting myself on the back because I caught it and am not going down that path. bf is supportive of that too

A word for Anne, I understand that you are processing this with all of us and it may or may not be helpful, I know that you will act when you are ready, and maybe this relationship is meant for you to learn tough lessons and maybe you will grow from the experience. I see very clear red flags from both your words about your feelings, and the actions you describe with this man, and I think you do as well (based on what you are posting) Many of us have been through bad/abusive relationships, and many of us can relate with what you are going through and it is painful and frustrating to hear someone go through that difficult denial part of the whole process.

That is one of the reasons why some have expressed frustration with the fact that you have rejected the wisdom of others. Go ahead and continue posting, we are here for you. I am speaking for the forum in general, not each individual member.
post #133 of 306
Good luck to you BelovedK!!
post #134 of 306
BelovedK Thanks for your support! Really hoping this is your month!

My guy is phoning me in 2 hours, he won't be able to chat much since he'll be at work, but hopefully he will be okay about meeting up at the town park to talk while we sit at a bench. Since I want to discuss personal things with him that are very private (maybe no online but irl they are), the park will be a good place because it will be quiet so no-one will over-hear our conversation which they would in a restuarant/coffee shop. I'm gonna go check if it's going to be ok weather, hopefully not rain.
post #135 of 306
Sorry for the double post, I have no life.

I just talked to my guy, a very strange conversation, I'm about ready to end this thing now

I asked him if he still wants to see me tomorrow, he said yes, I said I want to see him too. I said I thought it would be better to meet at the park where it will be quiet and we can have a private conversation. His first words were "No, Im not going to the park". Ok, why? "I don't like the park im not going there" So I again asked what he meant, he replied "I know lots of people who go to that park who I don't want to see" I told him I walk through their everyday and it's empty, very quiet during the daytime. He said "No, I don't to walk around a park" I said why? we took my dog for a walk at the other park and you wanted to sit on a bench in there, so why not this other park? It went on like that for a while : Eventually he said he had a sore foot, to which I said "you were fine when we took my dog for a walk, what happened to your foot?" He didn't have an answer and just said my name and sighed.

He said I was being like an interviewer again (like the other night when I asked about his ex-relationships), and I was "starting again". He got quite mad. :

He didn't want to go to the mall we went to last time, as he said he's bored of going there -fair enough he goes most weeks on his day off, and I didn't want to go there either. He suggested we go to another mall which a good drive away, and I said I didn't want to be around lots of people or at a coffeee shop because I wanted to have a PRIVATE talk with him. He got annoyed.

Then he suggested we go to another park which is even further away and I said no because I've never been there, it's quite a drive away, and I want to be some place I'm familair and comfortable with. He replied with "Im not going to kidnap you!" :

Was I honestly being difficult or unfair to him? All I wanted to do was meet up in a local place, easy to get to that we are both familiar with. It's a safe park. I asked him if something bad had happened to him there and he said no. So what's his problem? Fair enough if he doesn't like the place, but he didn't make me understand why, and I told him I didn't understand.

He also said he never wants to meet up in my town again (wtf?) apart from coming to my home! I asked him why? And said I really didn't understand since he was fine the 3 times we met up and walked my dog here at the other park. He wouldn't give any straight answers. In the end I said "well that's going to be a problem considering I live in this town."

I didn't have anything else to say, I wasn't going to back down and give into what he wants. Im disappointed because I feel like he should have wanted to meet me anywhere, and not even cared where we met (unless it was some place awful), because he should be wanting to see ME more than being bothered about where we go. Is that wrong?

So I didn't say anything, there was silence, I thought he was going to hang up. He then said "ok I'll meet you at the park at 11, I'm going back to work now." And hung up.

What are your thoughts? Im totally ::
post #136 of 306
Anne! Just dump him!
post #137 of 306
Wow - that is really abusive. You are know dealing with the shift from potential to actual abusive behavior. Yes - dump him. No reason to see him tomorrow. I really don't want you to tell this guy about your health problems. You'll feel bad that you told him cause his reaction will be bad.

I'm sorry.
post #138 of 306
Anne!! What in the world... something is just wholly wrong with that conversation. I'm glad you feeling like being done with him, because that is just weird. Like is he hiding something? It seems very odd to have such a conversation at this point in things, and getting all mad? Huge red flag!!

I don't think he deserves to know your personal things, either.
post #139 of 306
...
post #140 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post
Me and my new guy talk constantly constantly!! All day during work via IM, he likes to email me random funny things and on the phone at night... I mean, come on! I've only known him (in real life) for 5 days. I'm just so completely enthralled. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things and I'm just soooooooooo distracted. And we keep coming up with all these things we absolutely must do! .. my goodness, we're scheduled for months to come. How silly, right?

So silly!! :

I think I've lost my mind.
Isn't it fun?

We've done this a lot, too, but are backing off now a bit. I'm getting seriously sleep deprived from spending so much time talking to him at night! So now we spend less time on the IMs and phone. Instead I think about him all day long. He says he does the same thing.
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