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January dating thread!!!! - Page 9

post #161 of 306
Anne, as someone who was in a very abusive relationship i warn you now to end this relationship cold turkey. It will be the best gift to yourself and your son. Empower yourself, look in a mirror and tell yourself you deserve true love and happiness. If your gut isn't feeling all giddy and excited about this man at all times, it is not right. That is your instinct. If i was kissing the man of my dreams i would not be pulling away. If you give in to your insecurities and wind up in a long term committment it is so much harder to get away. Stalking, harrassment, threats, losing your belongings, nasty custody cases if you ever have a baby with him...this could all be in your future if you go any further. There are plenty more men out there that will appreciate you for everything you are. If you don't believe that now, sit back and enjoy yourself some more, get to know yourself, then get back out there and date!

I saw the red flags pretty early on in my relationship and ignored them because i was determined to make it work. 9 years later and 4 children with him i have lost everyone of my belongings, been through horrible custody cases and restraining order hearings and continue to be threatened by him almost daily. If only i had listened in the beginning....
post #162 of 306
Thread Starter 
Anne, I had good luck with match.com.
post #163 of 306
i met my bf on plentyoffish, and it's free.

fwiw anne2008 during the previous phone call, where various locations were being nixed due to mysterious reasons, i would have suddenly felt scared and concerned and would worry about the fact that this person has my phone number and knows where I live. those red flags would make me concerned that he is a dangerous person living in fear of being caught by previous people he has harmed. Or simply has a screw loose. Either way I be focusing on my physical safety and making it clear to him that I was no longer available for contact, rather than trying to have any kind of relationshippy conversation.

it's amazing how powerful denial is. it looks so much like "trying to figure it out" -- but denial, once it's kicked in, is a powerful set of blinders, and is about trying to make the situation OKAY, not discern what the most self-caring thing would be to do. i try to keep that in mind here, because otherwise the thread is almost like a tease for previously battered women. and i know that is not the intention. i remember when i was trying to save my relationship, i was so disturbed by what was happening but at the same time, at a very deep level, soooo eager to have it explained away so that I could make the pieces kinda sorta fit and i could have what I thought was better for me, the relationship i thought i wanted. In all humility i have to admit that if the authorities had not intervened to make it impossible for my stbx and me to stay together, i might still be here trying to "figure it out."

and let me just add, i loooooooooooove my bf. i am so glad i do not have to make icky things fit!! i feel safe, there is so much trust--earned trust. no relationship is perfect, but all healthy relationships feel safe and feel like you absolutely get to be yourself. mmmm, can't wait to see my bf tonight.
post #164 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
the thread is almost like a tease for previously battered women.
That's how I'm starting to feel. I just re-read the entire dec. and jan. dating thread.

Anne, I'm sorry but I need to be blunt here. I think you should stop dating entirely and get into therapy. You are starting to date for all the wrong reasons and I'm afraid abusive guys are going to fall over you. They spot these things you see.

Maybe your posts would fit better into the surviving abuse forum. I personally feel like your situation doesn't have much to do with normal dating and it's very upsetting to read about the conversations you have with this guy. Like Zeta said, there could very well be some kind of criminal action behind his refusal to go that park, and I'm afraid that you'll come here some day and tell us that he raped your or something to that effect.

I think it's important to figure out what is acceptable to this forum in the long run. Beloved - I guess that's where you would step in?

Good luck Anne.
post #165 of 306
I totally agree with Zeta and DanishMom (and every other person on this thread) when it comes to Anne2008's situation. Her scary budding involvement with this guy really has NOTHING to do with normal dating. DanishMom is right on the money with that, and Zeta's comment about it being just (an obscene, if you ask me) tease for previously battered women is also correct. I'm also sort of waiting for something really terrible to happen in this situation, and I hate worrying for her and her son, it's horribly stressful. His strange behavior DOES indeed sound like he's hiding something potentially dangerous. I would be concerned he knows where you live or your phone number, also.

I think DanishMom's therapy suggestion was really good. When you are feeling relaxed and happy/good about yourself, really secure and comfortable with your life as it is, then meet some healthy men. Right now a healthy guy probably will smell your desperation and insecurity and run in the other direction, whereas all the abusers will just smell 'easy prey' and pounce.
post #166 of 306
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post

I think it's important to figure out what is acceptable to this forum in the long run. Beloved - I guess that's where you would step in?

Good luck Anne.
Thank you DanishMom I have been wondering this myself. I will look into it.
post #167 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
Im just really scared if I don't give this a fair chance, I will regret it because it's going to be hard to find someone new.
This quote speaks volumes about where you are and what you will attract right now. We really do attract people that are a reflection of how we are seeing ourselves at the moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post
Anne, I'm sorry but I need to be blunt here. I think you should stop dating entirely and get into therapy. You are starting to date for all the wrong reasons and I'm afraid abusive guys are going to fall over you. They spot these things you see.
I really agree with DanishMom.
post #168 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post
I think you should stop dating entirely and get into therapy.
And not just once a month, which I believe you said you were doing.

At least once a week, if not more. For therapy to be truly beneficial, especially in your case, you need to be seeing a therapist at least once a week.

Your lack of self-worth is incredibly frightening, even moreso, when coupled with dating.

As pp stated, you will attract EXACTLY what you are seeing in yourself.

Please take care of yourself.
post #169 of 306

found a frog i kinda like

had another 'first' date tonight. a lovely hour over coffee. but i liked him! it is such a shock because i have not wanted second dates from any of the others (except one, and then he blew it for me on the second date). anyhow, this guy was friendly and said to call him but not sure what he really thought. i had had a lousy day and almost cancelled, so feel like i did not put my 'best' out there. if nothing else, i'm just thrilled to have met a man that i hope to have a second date with. i was really thinking it was me but nope, just needed to keep looking around at the frogs until i find one that i want to kiss : ) i feel encouraged for the future - be it with him or some other frog...heehee.
post #170 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post
Anne, I'm sorry but I need to be blunt here. I think you should stop dating entirely and get into therapy. You are starting to date for all the wrong reasons and I'm afraid abusive guys are going to fall over you. They spot these things you see.
I can understand how it is probably difficult for you all who have been in abusive relationships because you were seeing this as that, I wasn't. I couldn't help thinking although some things weren't right, no relationship is perfect, they all have their problems.

Having said that, I went to bed last night feeling stressed/unhappy about it AGAIN and decided I'd had enough. I shouldn't be feeling any sense of fear or being uncomfortable about him. Everyone's comments here were in my head too, which helped me do what I really wanted. I phoned him at work and told him it wasn't working for me, I wasn't feeling right about it etc etc...and told him I wanted to end it and move on. -He got mad and kept asking why and said we should talk to work through it instead of just quitting it. I ended up saying bye and hanging up. He called a few more times but I didn't answer and went to bed actually feeling relieved.

I still feel 100% relieved it's over and I don't have to talk/see him anymore -he doesn't know where I live (I was careful about that -which I shouldn't have felt I had to be), but im also now I little disappointed things hadn't been different yk? Disappointed he turned out that way.

I'm not going to stop looking for a nice guy to date though, yes I have my issues but who doesn't? That doesn't mean I should remain single imo. I am in counselling but can't afford to see her more than once a month. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist too. -Maybe I'll look around to see if I can find some cheap therapy somewhere.
post #171 of 306
Congratulations Anne!! See - your gut is already telling you, that you did the right thing. And his reaction showed you very well, why it was the right thing to do. Again getting mad, trying to manipulate you. Its likely he will keep harrassing you with phonecalls etc for a while to come, but you are right to simply not answer or to very bluntly tell him that you no longer want to talk to him, end of story.
You took an importent step - I hope you take it as a learning experience, that sometimes ending something can be a really empowering thing to do.

Something completely different.
I'm seing my guy tomorrow Looking SO much forward to it. We spoke on the phone for an hour yesterday. Im just crazy about him I have never felt this certain about a person before. Amazing that he was actually my first internet-date!
Anyway when we met last week he brought me flowers - now I feel I want to bring him something to make him happy. Its just - what on earth do you give a guy? Flowers seem a bit girly - also he just bought me flowers - I dont want to do the same thing back. ANy ideas welcome...
post #172 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Something completely different.
I'm seing my guy tomorrow Looking SO much forward to it. We spoke on the phone for an hour yesterday. Im just crazy about him I have never felt this certain about a person before. Amazing that he was actually my first internet-date!
Anyway when we met last week he brought me flowers - now I feel I want to bring him something to make him happy. Its just - what on earth do you give a guy? Flowers seem a bit girly - also he just bought me flowers - I dont want to do the same thing back. ANy ideas welcome...
Cook him something or bake him something. That's the ticket. Make him a pie or something. I can't think of anything else you could bring him that wouldn't just basically be a cash expenditure, with precious little chance of being something he himself would ever pick out. Writing him a poem is corny, flowers are too girly. How about some sort of sexy toy you guys can share, since you guys are intimate? Some whipped cream, chocolate sauce, or ....ooh, better idea--hot outfit that you have prepared, just to parade in front of him in, in the privacy of his home? Schoolgirl/nurse or just pretty lingerie or new underwear/bra that you feel is really flattering and will light up his face to see you in?

Am I getting way too TMI?
post #173 of 306
Butterflymom No you are welcome. I dont blush easily. However he is not into all the kinky stuff. Lets say he is a natural kind of guy - a natural talent too hehe.. Actually thinking about it last week when we went shopping I asked him what kind of underwear turned him on (as we were passing the lingerie department) - he answered that he hardly notices it as he takes it off so quickly And then I remembered that - hey - he does

I do think baking him something would be a good idea. In all modesty baking is something I do pretty well.. I will have to do it tonight though. Last time I baked us something was a chocolate cake - I am thinking this time an apple pie would be just right? Or something with berries in it..
post #174 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
I can understand how it is probably difficult for you all who have been in abusive relationships because you were seeing this as that, I wasn't. I couldn't help thinking although some things weren't right, no relationship is perfect, they all have their problems.

Having said that, I went to bed last night feeling stressed/unhappy about it AGAIN and decided I'd had enough. I shouldn't be feeling any sense of fear or being uncomfortable about him. Everyone's comments here were in my head too, which helped me do what I really wanted. I phoned him at work and told him it wasn't working for me, I wasn't feeling right about it etc etc...and told him I wanted to end it and move on. -He got mad and kept asking why and said we should talk to work through it instead of just quitting it. I ended up saying bye and hanging up. He called a few more times but I didn't answer and went to bed actually feeling relieved.

I still feel 100% relieved it's over and I don't have to talk/see him anymore -he doesn't know where I live (I was careful about that -which I shouldn't have felt I had to be), but im also now I little disappointed things hadn't been different yk? Disappointed he turned out that way.

I'm not going to stop looking for a nice guy to date though, yes I have my issues but who doesn't? That doesn't mean I should remain single imo. I am in counselling but can't afford to see her more than once a month. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist too. -Maybe I'll look around to see if I can find some cheap therapy somewhere.
Good for you Anne, for loving yourself enough to LISTEN TO YOUR FEELINGS bolded above, and act on them! Good for you!!!

Your feelings matter and they are like guides, like signs directing your life...when we have been raised as children/girls/women to believe our feelings are inappropriate, inconvenient for our parents, don't matter (etc) it can be so hard to listen to them, I know, and I am applauding you.

I'm especially impressed that you trust yourself enough to LISTEN to that little voice in you that said it wasn't right to be with someone who you had a nagging feeling about, who you didn't want near your home....that little voice is so hard to listen to sometimes when we are not conditioned to stick up for ourselves....And you DID Listen to that little voice inside you.
post #175 of 306
Seie...

I agree that baking something is really nice.

I also love to get or give something that supports an interest/hobby, etc. I once got a pair of sock from someone and it was the most romantic gift! Seriously. I was just starting to get back into running and the guy I was dating was getting something for himself at a running shop, saw these really amazing socks and bought them for me.

Truly...it's the thought and effort that counts.
post #176 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post

Having said that, I went to bed last night feeling stressed/unhappy about it AGAIN and decided I'd had enough. I shouldn't be feeling any sense of fear or being uncomfortable about him.
No you shouldn't feel stressed or unhappy - that was your intuition talking.

-He got mad and kept asking why and said we should talk to work through it instead of just quitting it. I ended up saying bye and hanging up. He called a few more times but I didn't answer and went to bed actually feeling relieved.

The fact that you felt relieved means that it was right to break up with him. And as Seie said the fact that he got mad again only confirms that he has problems with anger.

I still feel 100% relieved it's over and I don't have to talk/see him anymore -he doesn't know where I live (I was careful about that -which I shouldn't have felt I had to be), but im also now I little disappointed things hadn't been different yk? Disappointed he turned out that way.

I know that feeling very well.

I'm not going to stop looking for a nice guy to date though, yes I have my issues but who doesn't? That doesn't mean I should remain single imo. I am in counselling but can't afford to see her more than once a month. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist too. -Maybe I'll look around to see if I can find some cheap therapy somewhere.
I know that are quite a few books about online dating (that's how I met my DP and I can't say enough good things about it). They can give you information on how to create a good profile, what to look for when you read profiles, when to start talking on the phone, when and how to start dating etc. I guess that books about dating in general would be very helpful too. Oh, and self help books about self esteem problems might be good in addition to some therapy. They can speed up the process compared to just doing therapy and not really working at it at the same time (But don't skip therapy and think that you can handle it alone by reading books). The Gift of Fear (I think MsChatsAlot recommended it) sounds great too.

I can't tell you how happy I am for you. You stood up for yourself and chose the healthy path. Congratulations. You handled this wiser than many of us have done in the past and thereby saved yourself a lot of hardship.
post #177 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by odjmama View Post
had another 'first' date tonight. a lovely hour over coffee. but i liked him! it is such a shock because i have not wanted second dates from any of the others (except one, and then he blew it for me on the second date). anyhow, this guy was friendly and said to call him but not sure what he really thought. i had had a lousy day and almost cancelled, so feel like i did not put my 'best' out there. if nothing else, i'm just thrilled to have met a man that i hope to have a second date with. i was really thinking it was me but nope, just needed to keep looking around at the frogs until i find one that i want to kiss : ) i feel encouraged for the future - be it with him or some other frog...heehee.
That's nice. I had to go out with 10 or so frogs before I found my DP. You never now how many you need to see before you even get to second dates! Keep us updated...When are you going to call him?
post #178 of 306
Anne, I am so glad to hear it! : You deserve so much better...

Seie, the anticipation must be crazy! I looove the idea of baking something... I think I'm going to do that for my guy.
post #179 of 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post
Whom is just wonderful. I never expected something to feel so absolutely effortless.
Really good to hear that

butterflymom great idea to bake something for a guy! Guys like a woman they know can cook, right? I cook, but I don't have much passion for it. -Which my ex-guy said there was something wrong with me because of that ...not everyone enjoys cooking a lot though, I would just rather be doing other things usually.

Goodluck with your guy tomorrow Seie! What do you 2 have planned? Will you be together on Saturday too?
post #180 of 306
Anne, I hate cooking. and I CANNOT bake! And if that's an issue with some guy... well, their problem.

But, I do still think it would be a sweet thing to do, so I'll give it a try.
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