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January dating thread!!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 306
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Marissa that sounds wonderful I hope you can work out the logistics painlessly so you can be together asap..

I just got off the phone with my guy I looked at the time afterwards - turned out we spoke for 1 hour and 40 minutes We have talked all about our insecurities etc and it still seems we both feel this is something that could turn into a lifetime thing. Amazing as it seems..
There is one thing that bugs me though - he doesnt have much time at all. He is studying a master in business administration on the side of his full time job, and that will take another two years. And he is a career-guy. I doubt he will ever have much more time on his hands than he does now so if I wanna keep seeing him it seems I just have to live with that.. That is kind of hard - especially now where I feel we have way too little time together (though talking on the phone helps a bit)..
Ah well, I actually really respect and like that he is so freakin sharp, and that he is ambitious, so the time-issue is something I gotta eat..
Sometimes it can create problems. My DP works a lot too. He is a medical director in huge company and travels a lot and have tons of local meetings. He is worth it though and I think that's all you should think about now. When you live together it will be easier because you get to cuddle ever night.
post #22 of 306
Thread Starter 
Marissa ! : for you : I am so happy to hear that, I must have missed it in the other thread that makes my day to hear that!
post #23 of 306
Hello mamas,

I mostly lurk here but follow y'alls updates fondly. I am so happy for BelovedK, Holland73, Stephanie, and all of you with joyful news. :

mmace, I know you've been through such a roller coaster. Oh my goodness, mama. Good for you for "keeping your seat" and seeing how it unfolds.

seie, i love hearing your ponderings and excitement about your guy.

tripleaces, keep us posted! I am sure it is all unfolding as it should.

mountain, by doing what you need for your family, i absolutely trust that if your relationship is meant to last it will. strength, mama.

anne2008 trust yourself and keep making the right choices for yourself one day at a time and you will do great.

clementine, stillsnarky, how goes it?

thought I'd post an update, although probably no-one remembers me I keep such a low profile here for privacy concerns. bf and i have been together a year now. We have recently really rounded a corner, where we recognized more clearly where each of us is coming from when we have our conflicts, it was like a lightbulb went off, we got this new clarity about the situation from standing in the other's shoes, and also new clarity about where we ourselves were.

I have learned in the last couple years that intimacy is really about knowing oneself and being able to fully be known and to know another person as the separate person that he or she is. Now I'm starting to really see what that's like in action. It's that realization that --Hey we're not a threat to each other! We're not really doing what the other person fears we are doing, when he or she interprets our behavior only from their limited perspective.

Also we had been having trouble with conflict resolution where both of us were doing things within the argument that the other person found problematic, and which made the arguments escalate. We recently created a written "ground rules for conflict resolution" that stretches both of us in ways that we want to stretch and also allows each of us to be ourselves. We are bothy challenged and inspired by it. It is funny too, because it allows for such things as sarcasm that is funny to make a point, but not sarcasm to be hurtful. It's so us.

One thing that is particularly unfamiliar and lovely for me is that neither one of us pushed to make this all happen, we both wanted it and both created it. Fully a joint effort.

I am more in love than ever with this man. I realize now how safe he is for me and what I can do to be safe for him. He is my best friend and the delight of my soul. I never knew it could be like this. It's as if I never really knew what a mature relationship was LIKE until now. And he feels the same way. He says he's learned more and grown more in conflict resolution with me in the last year than he learned in 13 years of his previous marriage.

Just wanted to share!!! Thanks for listening. :
post #24 of 306
Thread Starter 
Zeta, I haven't seen you around in a while That is GREAT news! I am so happy for you!
post #25 of 306
Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
Zeta, I haven't seen you around in a while That is GREAT news! I am so happy for you!

thank you, BelovedK! I remember all of the frogs you had to kiss before you met this worthy companion, so I really can relish your good fortune. hope the ttc fairies are on their way to you....
post #26 of 306

kiss those frogs

I've been on the perpetual first date run. All first dates for the past four months. Granted the men have been interested in second dates but I have not. Which just occurs to me that perhaps it is not these men, it is me. Rats. Self reflection stinks. *Sigh* I know I am still stuck on my exbf. We dated 1.5 years and he was my first serious relationship after divorce. I broke up with him when things were actually very good but the reality was not long-term possible. I guess it's time to take more 'me' time. Finish out the grieving and healing...
post #27 of 306
I don't have much time to post right now, so I will reply again later, just wanted to write something quick.

I spoke to my guy on the phone last night, a longer conversation for us -20 minutes instead of the usual 5-10 lol

Anyway, it was good because I managed to tell him how I feel about US. He was very eager to see me, as I am to see him and told him so, it has been 2 weeks now. However he kept saying about wanting to come over to my place to watch tv or a movie or just to talk and hang out together, but I was like "what about my son?" -He hasn't met him yet. Then he said he wants to meet him, or we can all go out some place together, which I thought was nice of him to suggest taking us both out. -He drives.

But to be honest, I am not ready for DS to meet him yet AT ALL. And I managed somehow, to tell him. I said I feel like we haven't really got to know eachother very well yet, we haven't had much time face to face talking yet, we've only met up like 4 times so far. So I said I really want to get to know him better before I introduce him to my son, and before he comes to my place at night when DS is asleep.

He seemed fine with that. He wanted to be reassured I still like him, which I do. Im just not ready to make him too much of a part of my life until I know him better you know?

I feel like there are a few big issues I need to discuss with him, and get his responses on, before I can know for sure if this is something worth pursuing. -Im going to think more about these issues and list them. I don't want to introduce him to my son until I know there's a good chance we are in this for the long term.

It is really difficult to get that "face to face" / in-person time together because of his work schedule or my DS being here and me not wanting him to see him yet.

Back later to reply to others posts!
post #28 of 306

I accidently posted on the december dating thread, so again here.....

: Still stuck in custody war over here, too. just wanted to empathize with all the other mamas (lilyka, mountain, Seie) who are being sucked alive of their energy where that is concerned. We've gotta be strong. sigh.

Anne2008, .....-what Danishmom said. Everything she said. Ditto.

Can I just say that I have given 22-23 year old guys chances left and right this past six months, and I am so exhausted with young men? Good freakin' god. I cannot seem to get a real adult man, in his thirties, to save my life. I just want someone born in the '70s, that's all!!!!!! Why is that so hard? There are gorgeous men in their 20s throwing themselves at me left and right, the most common age seeming to be 22, and I look at them like they have two heads but they are so certain that they think the woman who appears to be about 26 or 27 in front of them is their dream lady. However, I'm actually 29, and someone born in the same year that I started 1st grade just seems ridiculous to me. I could have been their babysitter when I was 13-14. Is that crazy for me to think that way? It's not just that younger men are ...well, younger, but they are so quick to fall in love, and it's so irritating. Also, they get nervous around me, and start acting all weird, and i feel sorry for them and it's just.... UGH, I want to date an adult, that's all. Someone confident and collected, and sure of himself, and established in his life to the point where he is comfortable and peaceful and happy, and just finds all of that goodness multiplied when he considers adding me into his life somehow.
Seie, Holland73 is really right on the money. You and I are both the same when it comes to falling in love. We just want to throw ourselves into it body and soul and somehow by sheer will of desire MAKE it last forever, because it feels like it should. But maybe that's just how we fall in love--10000% percent, ready to commit and make it work out for the long haul. However, somehow that gets entangled with a huge pile of fear. That, what if it doesn't work out, no matter how much we wanted it to.... will that hurt so badly that we are incapacitated by the thought of dealing with that kind of pain and end up just totally motivated by fear in our dealings with the man in question? That's not a happy, peaceful place to begin a relationship or even continue a new relationship. It's great to fall passionately in love, but to also be at peace with letting it unfold however it's meant to, because of timing and circumstance. Life is such that no matter how strong the feelings are, sometimes outside influences (or simply personality traits coming to surface in the other) are able to sabotoge things and it doesn't work out. Luckily we are not given one chance at this in life. There are many people on this earth we can feel passionately in love with, if one has a relaxed, open, happy, at-peace-with-whatever-happens sort of attitude which will make it easy for the universe to throw someone into our path.

After getting my heart broken in December, I have thrown myself into socializing and going out with girlfriends. Finding and making new girlfriends, as well. I now have a tally of up to 8 women that I have in terms of local Helsinki friends, which is not bad since I just moved into my apartment 2 months ago, and moved to this town 3 months ago. I'm also letting a 23 year old paramedic take me to dinner and a movie tonight, after making him wait 2.5 months to see me (my heart got stolen shortly after he met me and I blew off his correspondence all that time, but he was patient). I have no interest in him. God he's young. But, I need to get the Hell out of my apartment and speak Finnish, and he speaks Finnish with me, so.... there ya go. I'm going. And afterwards there is a party on a boat that I am going to attend, solo, and who knows who I might meet there. Off to decide what to wear....... something slightly slutty, but slightly innocent and girlish, too. Hmmmmm...... Danishmom gave me a short wooly red plaid skirt that does the trick every time in terms of that combination.....
post #29 of 306
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
Thank you for asking, my friend! As I mentioned back in the last thread, we started a four day texting/emailing conversation a few days after Thanksgiving, and we easily agreed that we are still completely in love with the other and can't imagine spending the rest of our lives with anyone else. We can't throw that away. We still have to work out the logistics - we need to find a compromise that we can both agree on - but we are very happily back together and very much in love.
Marissa, I love this news! That's so great! Totally wonderful that you guys are just sooooo on the same page, meant to be, etc.
post #30 of 306
So much great news, good luck to everyone!!
post #31 of 306
mountain Sending you good thoughts while you struggle through the custody battle, and really hoping your guy waits for you and stands by you throughout it.

triple aces Goodluck with your new guy, new years eve sounded so romantic! You know, I was actually kind of sad I couldn't be kissing my guy at the stroke of midnight that night, maybe next year? Lucky you! Can I ask how old your little ones are? Just curious

Bad Mama Jama Single life is the greatest isn't it? LoL why am I dating again? There are so many wonderful things about being a single mom, and being single in general. If things develop further with my guy, I know im going to find it hard to give up the single life. On the other hand there are good things about being in a relationship too. Positives and negatives to both I guess. Good for you though! And maybe something will happen with the single dad you mentioned.

Mmace That is such wonderful news! Im very happy for you and your guy!

Seie I hear ya about not seeming to spend enough time together because of the guys job. It's frustrating but not much we can do about it. They have to work, and it isn't upto them what hours they have to do. My guy is changing jobs this month, so hopefully he will be working a few less hours. Right now he works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week! Plus his commute time is 1 hour each way. How about your guy?

Butterflymom My guy is only 24, 25 this year though! I thought that was incredibly young because I imagined finding a guy who was at least 10 years older than that. I imagined an older guy who could teach me things, full of wisdom and life experiences, and who was ready to settle down. This guy does seem older than he is though, and as I have said before I think it is due to him moving from his home country, and having to live on his own from a young age too. I am more attracted to older men though to be honest.

Wishing you all the best through this difficult time fighting for your children, and the strength to get through it. I hope it is going well.

Zeta Thanks for your support
post #32 of 306
So the date with the little boy born in 1986 was such a waste of time. Well, not entirely. We watched a Finnish movie with no subtitles, and as it took place 50 years ago and the people spoke more formally, and slowly, I understood so much of it! Hurray. But the little paramedic boy just..... I can't do this whole dating younger people thing. I know age is only a number and maturity has to do with the person more than the year of their birth, but..... no. I just don't like it. The problem with men in their twenties is that there are single ones of those everywhere, coming on to me everywhere, whereas the grown up men in their thirties are just... where?! Home with their wives or girlfriends, I guess.

I went to a party last night and met a girl that I had met at a Christmas party, and we danced together until 4am. My feet are killing me. I'm exhausted. But no drinking, and I slept 8 hours, so I'm good to go now, this afternoon.

I'm not that I'm in a big rush to be in a relationship, and I don't think anyone I meet right now will even have a chance at anything with me, as my heart is still trying to get over the guy who just broke up with me last month (incidentily, the only guy I've felt anything so strongly for since the 90s, but hey, it'll happen again, no worries). However, there is this one guy on the scene who I have come to appreciate SO MUCH. He's just a friend, and we've never touched, but... he is always there for me, he would do anything for me, he's brilliant and sweet and funny....and...... he's just perfect. He's 31, established in the place he wants to live, doing the job he loves to do, he owns his home, he seems so.... content. Which is nice. Like he's not in any sort of turmoil or tumultuousness or discontent about anything, just....doing great. And he and I have been friends and spending time together for months now. And he knows that I only want to be friends with him but he hasn't blown me off, even though he would like more. But is it impossible that if I wait long enough, once I get over the guy I felt such fireworks for, I could start to feel something romantic for friend-guy? I mean, what is more important? The guy who drives you absolutely crazy with passion and affection, and you find yourself losing all sense of propriety or even sensibilities when you are looking into their eyes or smell them, or even just hear their voice on the phone, or ....the guy who will never disappoint you, who is steady as a rock and good to the core, who also has everything in the world going for him..... but for whom you have never longed to actually ....touch. My friend has never touched me in any way shape or form and I've never wanted him to. The last guy I was with I would send him desperate, urgent messages with my eyes that he needed to come close right away and pick me up into his arms and carry me somewhere to make love, and I couldn't find myself holding back at all in terms of love and passion... this is SO the opposite.

Well, he's on his way to meet me and we're going for a walk, maybe to a movie. I can't practice Finnish with him, since he's not Finnish (Romanian), but he's such a person who exudes goodness that I feel good being around him. THat's all I know for now.
post #33 of 306
By the way, Anne2008, what would be the harm in at least meeting a few other men to get some perspective on the guy you're seeing now? Just to see things more objectively and clearly. You have mixed feelings about the one you are with now, obviously, so just sort of opening up the playing field and having a few innocent coffee meetings with other men might really help you in terms of seeing how it would feel making conversation with a different man, maybe an older man.... then if you still feel like you want to plan a future with your 24 year old guy, then you will feel like you did at least browse a few other options first. Just my humble opinion! Date!
post #34 of 306
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
By the way, Anne2008, what would be the harm in at least meeting a few other men to get some perspective on the guy you're seeing now? Just to see things more objectively and clearly. You have mixed feelings about the one you are with now, obviously, so just sort of opening up the playing field and having a few innocent coffee meetings with other men might really help you in terms of seeing how it would feel making conversation with a different man, maybe an older man.... then if you still feel like you want to plan a future with your 24 year old guy, then you will feel like you did at least browse a few other options first. Just my humble opinion! Date!
ITA with this Anne, you sound so unsure about your guy, I just think that dating would be so good for you.

post #35 of 306
Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
ITA with this Anne, you sound so unsure about your guy, I just think that dating would be so good for you.

ITA with the dating. I went through about 10-12 first dates before I met my DP. It really is helpful in determining what you are looking for.

Beloved - I'm so sorry. That is so painful when you are hoping for it to happen. Take good care of yourself.
post #36 of 306
So I have a question for y'all. What if you're dating someone you really like, but want to continue dating more people? How do you tell someone that?

Edited to add, I'm honest about this in the beginning, that I am looking to date around and not rush into anything ... but I've noticed despite that, even without it said, people tend to seem to expect that things suddenly become exclusive or something, even though I don't consider things to have gotten serious. kwim? So I guess I just don't know how to tell someone after we've seen each other a few times that hey, this is cool, but I *am* still dating other people. I guess I'm just a little confused about how such things work. If you really really like someone, would you even want to date other people? hrm.
post #37 of 306
Butterflymom... while passion and such generally seem to wane in relationships, I don't think you should be with someone you have no desire to touch. You deserve more than that.

I also think that sometimes you don't really know, though... until something happens.

I've been in a lot of different kinds of relationships in my life. The insane crazy passionate ones never seemed to work out, but the opposite ones as you describe just leave you wanting something more. I think it's a hard balance. At least for me...

Anne, my kids are 1 1/2 yrs old, 3 yrs old, and almost 5 yrs old. They have never met anyone I've dated.
post #38 of 306
Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post
So I have a question for y'all. What if you're dating someone you really like, but want to continue dating more people? How do you tell someone that?
Do you need to tell him? Is he asking/expecting exclusivity?

If a guy I was dating wanted to get more exclusive/serious and I wasn't ready I would probably say something like this:

"I really enjoy spending time with you and hope to continue our time together, but at this time, I am just not ready to get serious or settled down."
post #39 of 306
Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post



Hang in there, take care of yourself and just keep tryin'!
post #40 of 306
So sorry, Kelly. :-(

Butterflymom - my sweetheart and I dated each other for more than two months before we ever kissed. I was convinced that he only thought of me as a friend and was okay with that - I thought maybe that was all we were supposed to be. Then we kissed and have never stopped wanting each other. When the time is right you may just find that there is a passion and a spark there that you never expected.
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