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consensual living tribe 2009!!! - Page 3

post #41 of 71
im new to CL. I want to learn more and have been moving more towards CL these days and loving it!
post #42 of 71
here is my current 2 issues:

1) DD hits DS2 over and over and over again while I am not in the room. I hear him cry and as I approach the room I hear her keep hitting him. then when I come in the room she says "awe, dont cry baby. gentle gentle." etc giving him hugs and kisses. The only solution I can think of at this time is I can't leave them along together..

2) DS2 is special needs and sometimes he gets mad or excited and shows this with aggression and destructiveness.

First, I try to calm him down and talk to him about what he can do when he feels that way. The destructiveness I ask for his help to clean up. If he doesnt help then I do it but talk to him about how I feel. but if he continues to be destructive while I am cleaning I walk with him to his room and set him up witha quiet activity to do while I put away whatever he was trashing the house with. He doesn't like this idea, but cannot verbalize any other ideas. MY only other idea at the time is to keep these types of toys where he cannot get to them.

as for the aggressiveness, I have to comfort the hurt child first. While I am doing this my son sometimes continues to be aggressive. So I've been moving him to his room (the safest room in the house) and tell him I will be there soon to help him calm down. Take care of hurt child. Then come back and apologize for making him wait and explain why he had to wait. Talk to him about how he was feeling and what we can do in the future. IDK what is the best way to approach this (aside from trying to prevent it which we do also)?
post #43 of 71
I'm here! : and subbing....

I'm kinda new to consensual living, more new to the name not the practice, I just recently learned that there's a name to how were living, and I love it!
post #44 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
here is my current 2 issues:
i think it's a great idea to not leave a 2 year old alone with a baby. my 2 year old is a pirate. she hits the cats with heavy toys, pees down the heat vent (after removing her clothes), pours her juice into her brothers food, puts his clothes, shoes and food into the toilet, writes on things with sharpie markers she gets by pushing chairs over to cupboards, climbs up, finds them and then used them to destroy things, writes on my computer screen with anything she can find, hits her brother in the head with sippy cups and remotes and friday she poured an entire cup of water on her dad's keyboard! and i watch her pretty closely. she's done all this while i have been in the bathroom, on the phone or helping her bro with something. i can't imagine what she would do with a baby. DS was 4. 5 when she was born and he did some crazy stuff to her himself!

DS has some SNs too and i just do the best i can with both my kids and my HNs DH. usually i try to comfort both kids at once. usually i have to wait for DS to calm down before i can talk to him, so i just leave him alone.

it sounds like you are doing great, (probably better than me) so don't stress!!
post #45 of 71

subbing

here mostly as a learner and a lurker
post #46 of 71
we were struggling with DS1 taking baths - which he used to love. The more I pressed the issue the more of a power struggle it became (no surprise there right) I had at the time taken the approach of validating say I understand he doesnt like it but we need to to be healthy. I doubt he heard me over his screaming though. Obviously this was not working (not to mention it WASNT a healthy thing to do to damage him emotionally that way) and so I started a more consensual approach. We agreed on 1-2 baths a week and only wash his hair when it needed it. Go figure, after 2 weeks of that he wants to take a bath every night now!

The same can be said for tooth brushing (we were once in the forced tooth brushing camp and after holding him down way too many times even though it felt like I was abusing him to do so, we finally stopped and when we did, suddenly he didnt mind his teeth being brushed again.)

same with face washing.

I feel like I figured out an invaluable secret. The more I pressure my children to do something, or to do something a certain way, the more control I try to exert, the less cooperating I receive and the worse I feel.

When I value their opinions and feelings as much as my own, and work with them to find mutually agreeable solutions, things are magically resolved.

I admit, the results are not always automatic, but they are becoming more and more quickly willing to help me meet my needs now that I respecting theirs. I can see how at first they were unsure of this, how they had stored hurt surrounding certain issues, but things have been improving.

Still struggling with aggression though - and with the manic episodes with my son...
post #47 of 71
Thread Starter 
da, i agree. but i think the secret is not that it somehow "works" or "doesn't work." but that you come to value the relationship more than the outcome or results. this isn't always easy (like in the case of medicine giving and getting to appts on time), but i think the pay off is really a long term thing.

so interesting to me that the little "tricks" i used to get DS to cooperate at this this age... just annoy DD. if i use a puppet to ask her if i can change her diaper or have the toothbrush ask her if i can brush her teeth, she will usually rip it out of my hand and scream NO!! ha ha. and DS is supposed to be the uncooperative one!!
post #48 of 71
Hello!

So, I did an interview for a semi-local large newspaper - and I guess did not actually realize how many people would read it...lol..

I was slightly misquoted, or morelike - the bits and pieces of what was quoted are made to seem like something I didnt say..but that's not the point - I knew that could and does happen when you do an interview..

What i was prepared for was the emails/facebook msgs and what not I would get from family/friends basically attacking me and criticizing me. After reading those, then finding the article, and then reading the comments to the article...Im feeling really down, and really unsure. Yes, I know its just a moment..

Anyways...can you guys send me some good vibes - and I dont know..share why and how CL has helped you and your family...I know we do that a lot, but I could really use some good stuff right now...I just feel really personally attacked, and hadnt prepared myself..
post #49 of 71
Lindsay, sorry to hear about your experience. Please understand that everyone has a different path and that yours is not wrong. Nor are their beliefs.


Pat
post #50 of 71
Thread Starter 
you know, i have found that nothing seems to enrage some people more than a free child. i found a quote from i believe john hotz that said something about the person who is in chains wants to chain other people too, esp. i think, children.

so i don't know if this makes you feel any better or not, but i feel like the louder someone protests CL the less anyone is caring for and trying to meet their needs. it's really a measure of their own hurt and neglect. sad, but true, i'm afraid.

for our family CL works (as much as we are bale to do it) becuase it works for my children, esp my DS and DH who both have "special needs" and it fulfills my need for non-violent parenting. other families likely do it for other reasons. cooperation is a skill. one my DS and DH are really really bad at. and CL helps them learn more each day about cooperating. something we clearly do not have enough of in this world. so it's my bit of activism too.

if you feel the need to respond to others, you can simply say "i understand how baffling CL must seem to you." or "thank you for your concern, CL works very well for my family though." or a gentle "i don't think judgment ever helped any situation." should shut them up.

and never ever read the comments at the end of a news story, you should have read what people wrote about a 19 yo who died from alcohol poisoning near here. it was shameful. people who comment on news stories are sickos who just want to hurt others.
post #51 of 71

Ways to CL from the Beginning?

I have a newborn and I'm interested in implementing some CL principles from the beginning. I know it's a little early, but is there anything I can try and do at this early stage to start us off on a good foot?

Thanks,
Mariah
post #52 of 71
Sending you happy vibes! I'm sorry that happened to you We are not completely CL, but try really hard and I love how we are all more connected and happier overall.

Quote:
Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
Hello!

So, I did an interview for a semi-local large newspaper - and I guess did not actually realize how many people would read it...lol..

I was slightly misquoted, or morelike - the bits and pieces of what was quoted are made to seem like something I didnt say..but that's not the point - I knew that could and does happen when you do an interview..

What i was prepared for was the emails/facebook msgs and what not I would get from family/friends basically attacking me and criticizing me. After reading those, then finding the article, and then reading the comments to the article...Im feeling really down, and really unsure. Yes, I know its just a moment..

Anyways...can you guys send me some good vibes - and I dont know..share why and how CL has helped you and your family...I know we do that a lot, but I could really use some good stuff right now...I just feel really personally attacked, and hadnt prepared myself..
post #53 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeyhaze View Post
I have a newborn and I'm interested in implementing some CL principles from the beginning. I know it's a little early, but is there anything I can try and do at this early stage to start us off on a good foot?

Thanks,
Mariah

hi mariah,

i think respect and responding to the baby's needs are key.

many times i hear people use a mocking or teasing tone when babies cry or express their displeasure. just taking them seriously when they are upset and being respectful would be a good way to start off consensual living with a baby. really all the practices of AP.
post #54 of 71
Besides what the PP said I would join the Yahoo CL group if you haven't already to read about some of the issues and solutions that are given there. It's taken me awhile to wrap my head around CL and I wish I could just read the whole list from the beginning.

For *me* as a parent it has been important to work on my issues from my childhood. My children have definately brought out the best and the worst for me to deal with. There are lots of suggestions for books on the yahoo list and I have also found journaling to be helpful. What has helped the most is energy work like Reiki to clear out old energies I was hanging onto and didn't need. So if this applies to you maybe you could start/keep working on them now.
post #55 of 71
I completely recommend journalling as well - its a great way to get everything out, and work through thoughts you've had during the day or situations you dont know how to handle or whatever....
post #56 of 71
I'm open to guidance in this scenario, any ideas on how I could have handled it better.

DS is newly potty learned. He has been having mostly accidents lately, and seems to do well with reminders. I have asked him if he wants to go back to diapers and he has said no, so that's fine. A reminder looks like this "You haven't used the potty in a while, want to try before lunch?" or "If you have to go potty, I can go with you and keep you company." or "You are really into your playtime right now. Can we take a break to use the potty, and I will make sure that toy is still there for you when we get back?" or "It's been a while since you used the potty, if you want to use the potty but don't want to stop playing you could bring that toy with you?" (if its a bigger toy I will even carry it for him). If he doesn't want to go I don't push it, though I admit I have some words running through my mind when he has an accident 5 minutes after a potty suggestion lol. I don't want to pressure him though.

Today he wanted to go with my husband to run errands. I told him I would like him to get dressed and wash his face first - no problem. He did wants to run around and jump on the bed in between, I let him know I want to jump on the bed too and would join him after he got dressed, of course he was welcome to jump on the bed all he wanted. He jumped for a bit, then got dressed, then we jumped some together. So anyway, here he is all ready to go....

I asked if he would like to use the potty before he went, since he hasn't been in awhile and it might be hard to hold it for a long time while with Daddy. He said he didn't have to go. So dad let him know "I wouldn't like pee in my car." and I offered some solutions "Would you like to wear a diaper just this once? bring a towel to sit on? or try to use the potty before we go?" He doesn't talk a great deal, so he didn't have any suggestions of his own to offer, but he agreed to try to use the potty before we go - the underlying issue was he was afraid daddy would leave with out him - and he asked for us to give him 2 minutes and I told him that daddy wouldn't leave without him and that he would wait until he was done trying to go potty. So, he tried to go potty, and he did.

oh, the other thing was - he could still go with daddy even if he didn't use the potty, wear a diaper, or sit on a towel - but DH told him that if he had an accident this time that next time he would want DS to try one of the solutions (trying to go potty, bringing a towel, or another solution) before going with him.

insight and ideas for improvement welcome. I mean, obviously this worked for us, and DS was happy with the arrangement as well, I know I wasn't intending to be coercive, but sharing these examples may give me insight towards other future situations as well... perhaps this was *not* a good example of living consensually, and I could learn something here.
post #57 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by umami_mommy View Post
i would reframe your thinking about it... instead of saying she is obsessed, say "she is really enjoying her TV time." this reframing will make it less negative for you and you can gain some joy by seeing her joy. the more joy to spread all around! : focus on enjoying her pleasure and thinking about how you can help create more for everyone.

HTH!
oh i love this! thanks for reminder to re-label my thinking and outlook on things...

i'm subbing and learning also....is this related to living a radical unschooling philosophy of life/unconditional parenting? seems like it. i likey!!!

i look forward to learning more about this...:
post #58 of 71

Consensual Living Intentional Living/Co-housing Communities in the U.S.?

anyone know of any good solid ones? preferably in the west...could be southern, like new mexico or arizona...even could be in mexico/central or even south america. i feel like this is what my family needs...i am tired of living amongst what seem like aliens/drones... i want like-minded consensual community of other families...and nature. and animals...not something in the middle of a large town or city...

thanks! :
post #59 of 71
I sent you a Pm but all it said was that the co-housing convention is in Seattle this yr,if you wanted to check it out. And your inbox is full
post #60 of 71
Just started reading more about this and am very interested so I'm going to subscribe
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