How to Improve your Marriage without talking about it

[neveryoumindthere]

nak
What did you think of this book?
I haven't read it yet but read enough on google books to have dh pick it up for me after work..

Did it have any concrete ideas for improving your relationship? If so, do you feel it made a difference?
any other comments?..lets discuss

[AngelBee]

Haven't heard of it

:

[KaraBoo]

I'd like to hear about this book as well.

[amcal]

Wow, DH would be all over this book!

We have a rough marriage and I mentioned something to him about doing things together. We were out taking a walk, which he hates doing, and I said something about how it's important for us to do things like this together. He got frustrated and said he just wanted to do these things but not have to talk about them.

I'm very interested in hearing more about this book.

[neveryoumindthere]

Check out pages 67-68 (you can use Google Books to see a preview)
It has a list of about 30 or so ways women shame men. I was so : to realize I do most of them. It was an eye-opener. I know I'm not good at communicating my needs/wants, hoping this book will help me get my point across without being straight up mean

I hope others who have read it will chime in. In the past few days I've come across the book recommendation at least in 3 different posts.

Edited to add: As i read through various chapters, I was like at sooo much I was reading. Here I was thinking it was just an "us" problem, but obviously others have the same issues (nagging wife, stonewalling husband for example). The examples are so spot on to things that happen around here. wow

[amcal]

I'm going to the library to pick it up this morning./

[nolansmummy]

I've heard this book mentioned in quite a few posts lately too. I think i'll pick it up at the bookstore, and read it before school starts back up.

[journeymom]

Wow, that looks interesting, and right up my ally. I suspect I agree with a lot of that book.

But - I googled it and found those pages you suggested. Very interesting. But I predict some women might respond to that lonnnng list of "Do you do thus and such to him?" with, "But it has to be a two way street. He's acting like jerk. Why shouldn't I insist he put in an equal effort? Why do I have to make all the changes?" Those are legitimate complaints, and there's probably a good response in the book, and I'd be curious to see what it is.

[neveryoumindthere]

Oh ya, for sure. I *know* it's not just me : I'm reacting to something, but at the very core of it, I think we may be misreading each other. Like he does something he thinks is perfectly acceptable which I don't so I react to it and he pulls away because of my criticism and I think UGH he just doesn't understand! : and we grow further and further apart. My brain's all fuzzy at the moment. Not sure if I'm saying what I mean to say

I'm pretty sure the next chapter addresses that though..it's called something like What men do to Women. It talks about many women who feel 'alone but married'. I also read a small section about Why Men don't 'get it' until he sees her walking out the door. lol

[KaraBoo]

I'm interested in this but if it's another Wife Does All the Work kind of book, I'll pass. I've read too many of those.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by KaraBoo

I'm interested in this but if it's another Wife Does All the Work kind of book, I'll pass. I've read too many of those.

Except if dh is willing, he could do the work too

You are gonna be hard pressed to find a self help book that focuses on someone else doing the work Though I wish that were the case

[KaraBoo]

I didn't mean that I wanted my husband to do all the work. I'm just weary of save-your-marriage books all telling me the same thing: it's my problem to solve.

If you want to get all semantic about it, any problem is "my" problem. However, I'd think that more men would go, "wow, my wife is really unhappy. What can I do to help with this situation?" I don't see books addressing what a HUSBAND can do to help save his marriage. If there are books like that, point 'em my way! LOL I'll ask DH to read them.

[CaraboosMama]

Hmmm...haven't heard of it but now I want to check it out

[Theoretica]

I have this book! I love this book!!!! :

nak so I can't write much, but DEFINITELY get this book! It saved my marriage, no doubt about it. Easy written format, not complicated, but straightforward and extremely helpful.

Basically talks about what women do to push guys away (and how to do things differently) and what men do to push women away (and how to do things differently) AND it's not focused on 'get the guy to read this book'. I mean, DH has flipped through it a time or two (I stash it in the bathroom JUST for him LOL) but it worked REALLY well just by my reading it and implimenting the suggestions. Then, after a few months (nothing is instant), he started changing a bit too. I still use it to keep me centered on what I need to do to keep communication open, and when I need to back off.

Seriously. THE book for marriages. LOVE it. It even covers affairs etc. and THAT was hugely beneficial to us for a time period as well, sadly enough.

I've read a TON of 'fix your marriage' books. NONE were as helpful as this one.

HTH
Theoretica

[amcal]

I bought it yesterday and plan to go through it today.

Karaboo - just in my browsing through the book, I didn't get the feeling it was a "how the wife can fix the marriage" book but, I do know what you're talking about. A lot of books are geared towards women and teaching them how to communicate with their man. So far, it looks like this book is for both the husband and the wife, teaching them how their different needs can be identified and met. But, I'll report back later.

[KaraBoo]

so what are some examples of simple things you can do to?

I'm really curious about this technique.

[Theoretica]

It's not that simple, because it really does a great job explaining our motivations (his and mine) behind doing what we do. Then it explains why it's ineffective to react the WAY we each do (and, for the most part, it was dead on). THEN it explains what to do differently.

Part of what I really liked was being able to realize his motivations are good, his intentions are fantastic, but the things he was doing weren't coming across as helpful/supportive/whatever to me because I was taking it as the wrong response/action. And the same in reverse was true. It also gets into good detail about when communication has been damaged to the extent that it's virtually nonexistent (which is where we were at the time) and what can be done to correct that.

It's not an 'instant fix', nor is it focused on blaming either party. It gives great insight but in order to get it, you've really got to read it.

[neveryoumindthere]

Thx for chiming in Theoretica
Did things improve fo you and your dh? "You mentioned you were basically not communicating at the time you read the book, did that change? Did your dh read it too?
sorry breief, nak

eta: sorry, i didn't read your above post, I didn't get the notification that there were new replies.
So, did you like the book?

[neveryoumindthere]

just wanted to comment on being annoyed with books focusing on the woman making all the changes etc. It *is* annoying but at the same time these authors/publishers etc know it's mostly women who are buying and reading these books, are they not?

[Theoretica]

I know he hasn't read it. He's flipped through and read a few pages here and there, so I can't say he's read it and it's awesome because of that. I do think if he ever DOES read it things will get even better. I do leave it on the back of the toilet in case he feels the urge to try a chapter or two.

BUT, that being said, this book pretty much altered my perspective of how to approach our communication and our interaction dynamic. There are definitely parts that I read thinking MAN if DH would just READ THIS! But, it all goes back to me working on what *I* can do. The things he suggests are hugely helpful, and when done consistently really seemed to help DH alter HIS approach to our communication as well. I was floored.

Like I said though...it's NOT an instant fix. For a while I was reading the book over and over just to stay on board, as it's SO easy to fall back into nasty communication crap when it's been the general standard for so long.

Part of what changed was my realizing that talking something to death isn't going to help him whatsoever. It *does* help ME. So, I have to find somewhere I can DO that and recognize that he DOES NOT WANT TO TALK AD NAUSEUM about something. Once he started to realize I wasn't going to corner him into 'talks', he started opening up about his thoughts/feelings. Weird huh!

Example:

18yoDD is about to have a baby, and we might be asked to take said baby. DH and I need to be on the same page with this, and we NEED to discuss it. I sent him an email saying DH, there are a bunch of 'what if' situations coming up with DD very quickly. I don't want to make decisions without us being in agreement about what we're doing, but I know it's an emotional topic for both of us. Please take some time to consider your thoughts on the following scenarios, and how you'd like to see them handled so we can talk about it when we've got the time in the next day or two. Then I listed three things that are likely to happen, really briefly, and ended the email. I didn't barrage him with my thoughts/opinions, I didn't get into what I want, I just presented him with an opportunity to 'chew his cud' and mull it over beforehand. I made it clear his opinions/feelings matter and that I want us on the same team with any decisions made.

Something like this in the past would have dissolved us into a screaming match where I believe he's 'not listening to me' and he's ranting about how he doesn't want to talk about this all f-ing night. This is just one example, and it really was a gradual process, but this book was the key.