Please Help! DH wants to circ!

[nattysmum07]

I am so upset right now, just a few months ago he did not feel this way. I don't know what has happend, but now he is insisting on circ'ing and want our son to look like him. He won't even read up on it! I cannot put my son through this. He said it's ultimatley my decision, but that he will be mad at me for the rest of our lives. What can I do?! I'm so sad right now!
Then I talked to my sister who said "well would you let your DH make a decision about your daughters privates?" and then I got into a 1/2 hour discussion w/ her! See her in Michigan, rates of circ'ing (as of 2004) are in the 90th percentile...no one we know has left their sons intact. Now this doesn't bother me, but it sure as heck is upsetting my DH! He doesn't want our son being made fun of. My sister then suggested I check into plasti bell which is what she did for her boys and OMG I lost it! She made is sound like it wouldn't hurt them, they just put a ring around and then the skin falls off later...well what I saw was restraint, cutting, then inserting this plastic which CRUSHES the skin! OW OW OW! I will NEVER forgive myself if I do this to my baby! How can I get DH to "see the light". I don't really care what anyone else says, I just want DH and I to be on the same page here. Please please help!
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[nummies]

Shannon- There are a lot of women here who can help. ((hugs))

Ladies, Shannon is one of my dearest friends, I have given her some info but suggested that she post here to get different perspectives.

[sugarbeth]

Simply say that "it's not your decision, it's not my decision, it is OUR SON's decision, and he can choose what he wants to do with HIS penis when he is an adult."

[becca_howell]

Your DH is not being very nice. His statement is contradictory. It's ultimately up to you, but he will be mad ad you forever?! So, save your DS's foreskin or save your marriage. Nice. <groan> men!

If it were me, I would not take "I want him to look like me." as a reason to circ. I would tell him that it needs to be a decision about his health all around, not just so he looks like Daddy.

Good luck! Educate him as much as you can!

[Getz]

I have no advice but have been there. DH wouldn't listen to me about circ, read up on it (either info I provided or on his own). He just wanted it done, went as far as telling me he wouldn't have married me if he had known we wouldn't circ. (and I wasn't against circ when we married!)

Baby was born and came home whole. I told DH I couldn't do that to my son. DS is almost 3 and deep down DH still wishes he was circed. Makes no flippin' sense to me. DH cried when DS had a simple heel prick but is ok with circumcision??

We just don't talk about it anymore. I don't think our marriage has suffered at all. I am sure DH thinks about now and then, but it isn't really that big of a deal.

Now, if DS comes to us later on and asks to be circumcised, I am sure I will get an earful of "I told you so". But, at least then it will be DS's choice, not mine or DH's.

Stand strong and protect your son. I know I would regret circumcising my son expotentionally more than I disliked pissing DH off.

And, I absolutely HATE the argument, I want him to look like me. Please, that is the biggest load of horse manure. I have seen a lot of penises in my day, and they all looked different even though they were all circumcised. Circumcised or not, he isn't going to look like the dad.

[Claire and Boys]

I would flip it around and ask him to find reasons TO circ and convince you. Then you just debunk them.

His comment about being "mad at you forever" is just silly. Of course he won't. His pride might be a bit hurt because he sees it as an insult to his own body, saying it is somehow defective. but he'll get over it.

I totally agree with pp as well that if you cave now, you'll end up regretting it for the rest of your life, because you knew better, you knew how damaging it is. Protect your son vs protecting your dh's ego - I know what I would choose for sure!

[thixle]

I went through something similar with my Dh-- See, we live in Kentucky and our stats are equal to MI, so I do know where you are coming from

In a nutshell (don't have much time)-- I told him over my dead body, he said he would hate me forever. We screamed at each other. I think I screamed the longest and the loudest. Dh got stinking drunk because it hit him that he had been abused and mutilated. It was one of the few times I have seen him cry because he had to admit to himself that his mom and dad sent him to be strapped down and cut on, most likely with no pain relief at all. He had years of denial and cultural conditioning to fight (he had actually convinced himself that part of the scar was from a bad teenage experience with a girl with braces-- it was in fact the stitch marks from a freehand circ)... He even asked me (fueled by whiskey, mind you) how could I ever love him when he was so disfigured and had actually wanted to do that to a baby?

Next day, the ultrasound showed a girl. He has forgiven his parents because they honestly thought it was for the best (following dr's orders, though they may not have even been asked- it was 1981 Michigan and was done to all baby boys)... He is also an intactivist now, so it wasn't all for nothing.

anyway, babe needs me so I have to be quick-- a big emotional outburst worked for me, and actually made our relationship stronger. I'm not one to beat around the bush, and he told the day before the ultrasound that if it was a boy, our son would be circ'ed, so I just let it all fly... I guess I could have been more polite, but he was talking about cutting up my baby, you know what I mean?

[nattysmum07]

Thanks girls...I def will not be circ'ing, I just don't want DH to hate me for it and was wondering if there were other mamas who had been through this w/ there DH's and what the outcome was.
Then my sister sends me this
http://www.circinfo.net/index.html
What do I say to that?!

[RGsMom]

Originally Posted by sugarbeth

Simply say that "it's not your decision, it's not my decision, it is OUR SON's decision, and he can choose what he wants to do with HIS penis when he is an adult."

That is kind of how I feel about it too, but we are still debating about it. I would like for him to be able to decide whether he would like to be not, but we'll see.

[thixle]

Originally Posted by nattysmum07

Thanks girls...I def will not be circ'ing, I just don't want DH to hate me for it and was wondering if there were other mamas who had been through this w/ there DH's and what the outcome was.
Then my sister sends me this
http://www.circinfo.net/index.html
What do I say to that?!

that is from a cicumfetish site... written by people who get their jollies from watching or performing circs

[ChasingGrace]

Is your DH aware that men who are circ'd are actually cheated out of a certain percentage of sensation in their penis? Inact adult men have more sensation and, arguably, more pleasure in their intimate lives. Maybe this seems like an off-key point when thinking about a baby, but it's all the more support for the points offered above that it should be an individual's choice. Thinking about having been robbed of sensation in his penis that he COULD have had, because of the way someone wanted him to look, might be a new point for your DH to consider.

My DH is intact, as is his brother, because their mom was a nurse and she had to 'assist' in circ's, ie; hold down little baby boys that were screaming bloody murder because the ends of their penises were being cut off. BTW, I have never EVER thought their was anything weird or offputting at all about my husband's foreskin. It's so normal. Chancing too much information, I'll tell you that in an aroused state, I can't even tell the difference. Obviously I had no argument from him over not circumcising our son who is now 3 months. Whew!

I'm alarmed and appalled to hear the rate of circumcision is so high where you live - in fact, you might want to recheck that. Where I live - VT - and in many areas it's getting closer to 40/60, and even 50/50. I so wholeheartedly agree with others who have said it should be your son's choice. The choice NOT to circumcise is reversable, circumcision is not.

I know most of the above because my cousin and dear friend is a staunch opponent of circumcision and a damn well researched woman. She might be able to offer more ammo in the father-opposition argument. In fact, she'll probably jump in here because she frequents this site more than I but she's almost due for her 3rd so she might not be as present right now.

I wish you the best. It'll be okay. Stick to your guns, your DH will get over it. He shouldn't have to explain to your son what's wrong with his foreskin, he should have to explain why, sadly, daddy doesn't have one......someday.....a looooong time from now.

PS - the hospital where I had my son doesn't even offer circumcision, if you want it you have to make a seperate appointment with a surgeon later on. Also, most major inurances won't pay for it b/c it's medically unnessecary.

[nummies]

Originally Posted by kiara7

Send your sister and DH this link:

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...guide03-04.pdf


It is info written by doctors and not some circ crazy people.

ETA: Put your foot down. It's not your body, not DH's body - it's your son's body, he is the owner of every little part and it's for him to decide what to change about when he's an adult.

Yes, I agree. Look over that link Shannon. Lots and lots of info there. And videos, etc.

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/ This is the main link to their homepage.

[Claire and Boys]

Originally Posted by thixle

that is from a cicumfetish site... written by people who get their jollies from watching or performing circs

yes - and if your sister doesn't believe you - tell her to check out the links page and take a look at the yahoo groups there. See what sort of groups the site are affilated with - I wouldn't want to take medical advice from people that consider groups like http://groups.yahoo.com/group/circumcisionfetish/ and http://groups.yahoo.com/group/eroticmalecircumcision/ to be useful resources :Puke

[Cheshire]

Your sister is grasping at straws to justify what she did to her own sons.

I'm sorry your DH is being unreasonable. We decided against circ for three reasons - 1) it is our son's body and his decision to make; 2) it's not medically necessary; and 3) it is brutally, painfully awful.

Ask your DH if he ever compared his penis to his dad's. Do they look alike? A young boy's penis doesn't look like a grown man's, circ'd or not.

Tell him your decision has nothing to do with his circ'd status, but has everything to do with your son's body. You will not perform plastic surgery just so he won't be teased. If your son was born with big ears would you have surgery performed right away to protect him from possible ridicule down the road? Children are teased about all sorts of things - the protection comes from how you raise them to deal with teasing and bullying and nothing to do with surgical alteration to make them like everyone else.

Tell DH that you're sorry he's going to hold a grudge against you and that one day you hope he's able to see your son as normal, the exact way nature made him and completely perfect. Tell him you don't want him to hold a grudge but you feel he is being unreasonable wanting to subject a newborn baby to painful, life altering cosmetic surgery.

Tell him you'll love him no matter what and if he still insists on a circ you'd be happy to set up a bank account where he can deposit the money to cover it. Then, when your son is old enough to consent to it and if he wants it done your DH can pay for it.

Best wishes. You've made the right choice. Parenting is hard and learning to work with another person to protect and raise the most important person in both of your lives can be challenging. I hope your DH comes around soon.

[nattysmum07]

I'm thinking w/ him, my best approach is "it's not our decision, it's our SONS and that if our SON decides he wants it, THEN it can be done. Until then, we wait."
It's so hard b/c my daughters' ears are pierced and he keeps throwing that at me too. The difference is I didn't know any better, I never thought it through when I did that to them and I deeply regret it. In fact, I just asked my oldest if she like her earrings and she said yes. I told her if she ever changes her mind and doesn't want them she can take them out.

Chesire - The way you have put it sounds like something that might actually get through to him. Very well said I think

[Sheal]

Originally Posted by nattysmum07

Thanks girls...I def will not be circ'ing, I just don't want DH to hate me for it and was wondering if there were other mamas who had been through this w/ there DH's and what the outcome was.
Then my sister sends me this
http://www.circinfo.net/index.html
What do I say to that?!

You know what bothers me more about that site. Where's the contact page? Is the person who developed the site afraid to put a contact page? Afraid to argue directly for their views on circ?

Really, all of that site is based off of archaic medical information that is no longer supported by the AAP or CDC - or most governments for that matter. It has been deemed for years now that circ is a cosmetic procedure and not a medical one (intrinsically, not necessarily that all are not medical but I'd say 99.9% of them are cosmetic).

Ignore the email? Play pass the bean dip? Or, if you must, "it is none of your business what I decide to do with my son's penis because it is not even my business what to do with his penis, it is his choice when he is old enough to chose"

[momongeon]

BTDT!!!! DH was ridiculous about this subject, so much so that he refused to talk about it. It was happening and that was that. We ended up bartering for it (long and very stupid story) and my kids walked away with their foreskin. At least he told you ultimately it was your decision. Forget about the threats. He is trying to manipulate you. Stay strong for your son. He will come around. My DH told me he would never change any diapers as if that will be a convenience for him driving to my work 15 min away, park in the parking garage and walk through 4 buildings and up 5 floors, equaling about a mile, to my unit, then wait for me while I finish up what I am doing for my patients, then make him look like an idiot by making fun of him and throwing in a few gut bashes then I will take him to the nursery and change the diaper right on a circ board or better yet make sure there is a circ going on while he is there so he will thanks his lucky stars he married someone as strong as me to hold back from mutilating our child despite the societal pressures to "fit in" I would never do that but DH would also never even think to bring our child to my work just to change a diaper. Just a method of manipulation. It took him 3 yrs to admit to me (drunk by the way) that he wishes he was given the choice and he understands why I felt the way I did about this human right issue. Go for it girl. Would you rather DH be mad at you for choosing to leave him as is and your DS grateful for having 100% of his erogenous protective foreskin or your DS mad for mutilating him and DH grateful you listened to him. He'll get over it and if he doesn't, he is very childish.

[calngavinsmom]

Originally Posted by thixle

that is from a cicumfetish site... written by people who get their jollies from watching or performing circs

: And what the heck kind of reputable site would feature a cut up BANANNA on their homepage....I mean really?!!?

I like the approach of once it is done it can never be undone and a guy can be circed at any time, so why not leave it up to him? Not to mention, an adult gets the choice to circ, the choice of circ style, the choice of anesthetic and aftercare pain control, all of which are benefits to the patient. Not to mention, as an adult, he knows what the heck is going on and isn't just terrified from being strapped down and being put through something so utterly painful for who-knows-what reason.

Stand strong Momma.

Good luck!
Tara

[Murihiku]

I believe that in a marriage, when one spouse wants to do something and the other doesn't and that there is no way that after much effort any compromise can be reached, the "no action" option wins out.

Eg: Wife wants to move to Papua New Guinea, Husband doesn't--no move
Husband wants sex, wife doesn't--no sex
Wife wants to go salsa dancing together, husband doesn't--no dancing
Husband wants to pierce baby daughter's ears, wife doesn't--no piercing
Wife wants cousin to move in, husband doesn't--no cousin
Husband wants to get rid of tv, wife doesn't--no tv-free
Husband wants to circ son, wife doesn't--no circ.

Compromise is great, but when there's none possible, how can one spouse change the status quo over the other's wishes? And the status quo here is an intact foreskin.

Maybe this argument will appeal to him?

Good luck!

ETA: And he changed his mind? He is so not allowed to be mad at you!

[PGTlatte]

So let him be mad for the rest of your lives. Protecting your son is more important.

Your DH will either grow up enough to get over it or he won't. Either way you will have protected your son.

Originally Posted by nattysmum07

I am so upset right now, just a few months ago he did not feel this way. I don't know what has happend, but now he is insisting on circ'ing and want our son to look like him. He won't even read up on it! I cannot put my son through this. He said it's ultimatley my decision, but that he will be mad at me for the rest of our lives. What can I do?! I'm so sad right now!