Someone just passed judgement on me and made me angry - Page 3

[Freud]

Actually, you can limit who sees what on your facebook profile. You can have your closest friends see the whole thing and your aquaintances see only certain things. It's very easy to do.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Freud

Actually, you can limit who sees what on your face book profile. You can have your closest friends see the whole thing and your acquaintances see only certain things. It's very easy to do.

This is not a concern of mine.

I want links that I can post on my face book and my space that would be helpful in educating other people on attachment parenting and co sleeping.

I want people to see them.

I know well enough how to change my settings. That is not what I was asking.

[Kirsten]

Well, it is hard - because you don't want or need to hide your parenting choices. There is an element of being able to educate people, to make alternative parenting choices seem like a rational option for people yet to make these decisions. HOWEVER, I don't find it effective to respond to a new relationship's first "what's up" type conversations with any homebirth or atheist comments. I am happy and proud of both of those parts of my life, but many people will write you right off as a wacko if you lead with no vax or no circ or any number of other things that most of MDC understands differently than the mainstream.

One, he is an acquaintance. I don't understand why bringing up cosleeping in the first two sentences was done. Nothing wrong with it (even though I didn't personally cosleep with mine, and am not a big supporter though I agree with your right to parent however you like) but it will turn people off if we lead with alternative stuff before we strengthen the relationship a bit. What might make him think "kooky...." in the first week might be something he looked into further if he knew you better, like no vax or homebirth or any number of other things we do here on MDC.

Two, he doesn't even have kids yet. Of course he hasn't heard or thought about cosleeping. That doesn't mean he hasn't thought about parenting, but honestly I live in a progressive, liberal area (just outside Seattle), worked in the child care field for years, took classes, read parenting books, went many years to the Washington Association for the Education of Young Children conferences, was greatly looking forward to parenting and did a LOT of reading on it - and never knew about no vax, no circ, cosleep, extended nursing, or that people in this day and age had homebirths. No idea. I don't think it makes him ignorant. He was rude - but I think the phrasing you used "you've never heard of cosleeping?" could be construed as any educated or intelligent person would have. I'm not saying that is how you meant it, just that that is how he may have taken it.

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I don't share much about our sleeping arrangements unless I know someone pretty darn well.

This is what I think too. My "not new" friends know that I homebirthed, partially vax, am a secular humanist, etc. But I don't lead with it.

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

I cannot separate the fact that I'm a mom from the rest of myself. When he insulted the way I parent, I took that as a personal attack on my morals/values as a person.

They were just talking about this on Oprah this week! Something about Eckhart Tolle's book (is it New Earth?) speaking about separating who we are from being a mom.

I think he was insulting in his comments. I think he was shocked by info that was new - and to him, really out there. But he doesn't know anything about it. If he looked into it, he may still decide it isn't for him, but might be more understanding of why some people do it.

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

At this point I logged off to go chase a toddler.....

when I log back on I see this offline message from him....

he wrote (1/6/2009 4:11:29 PM): I'll go ahead and delete you. Clearly you have some issues that are pretty intense. I make one comment, and you run off. Might indicate why you have issues with your husbands and others. Adios

But you didn't tell him you had to go tend to kids. You had a negative back and forth via facebook, then logged off right after without explanation. At least that is how I'm reading it. I might have tried to veer the conversation in a different way from the very beginning, but mentioning that you didn't know anything about it, or were originally wary too before learning more, and offering a good website if he was interested might have worked better.

I do agree with you that he was rude. Absolutely. But I think you caught him off guard by being so open with intimate or personal information so early in the reissue of the relationship.

This actually happened to me a year or two ago. I called a high school friend whom I hadn't seen in many years. She mentioned - in a three minute phone conversation - that she and her dp NEVER left their kids. That the four of them did EVERYTHING together except work and school. All social activities. No date nights for her and her dp. She didn't come to a class get together because the invite was for her and her dp, not the kids. Their kids are teenagers. I was taken aback. I was actually speechless. I wasn't rude, but quickly told her to take care and got off the phone. Then mentally wrote off any further attempts at renewing our friendship - as we are just very different, so different that I don't think we could work around it. I have friends who are super religious, Republican, and other things that are opposite of my own personal choices - but we do fine. Just something about never leaving your kids really struck me poorly. She called me the next day and apologized for being so abrupt and we had a nice conversation. Are facebook friends now, but still haven't gotten together. But we are friendly, and agree to disagree on how we parent.

I think you had an emotional reaction, as did he. I think you were both surprised at the other. I think it is hard to read intention in print. But I do think he was rude (as I tell my kids "you can think it without saying it out loud") and that since you two weren't great friends before anyway, I'd just let it go.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I don't understand why bringing up co sleeping in the first two sentences was done.

Well, the part I quoted was not the first two sentences of our conversation that day. I only showed the part of the conversation related to the topic of this thread. This was not our first conversation by far either!

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Two, he doesn't even have kids yet. Of course he hasn't heard or thought about co sleeping.

He was rude - but I think the phrasing you used "you've never heard of cosleeping?" could be construed as any educated or intelligent person would have. I'm not saying that is how you meant it, just that that is how he may have taken it.

I would never assume that because someone has no children that they know nothing about parenting. He has in previous conversations gone on and on and on about his nieces and nephews and shared pics of himself with them, and talked about what an involved uncle he is. He also had talked about how very much he wants to have children and that it's in his 'plan' to have them someday. From previous discussions, he seemed interested in the parenting topic.

And I understand you know my intent with the question was simply out of wanting to know the answer. I'm sorry some people would interpret that as insulting, but that was clearly not my intent.

Originally Posted by Kirsten

But you didn't tell him you had to go tend to kids. You had a negative back and forth via facebook, then logged off right after without explanation. At least that is how I'm reading it.

The logging off of messenger happened first.
He deleted me from his messenger, but then wrote to me through the face book after.
At that point, his comments on face book were negative, mine were apologetic.

In previous conversations, I had told him, more than once, that I frequently am away from my computer and that I frequently log off to attend to my children's needs, so if that ever happened, to not be offended.
I had explained that I don't always have time to type what is happening and I will often just log out without explanation.
He had said he understood and would take no offense if that ever happened (which has happened on more than one occasion).

I really feel that he was using my logging off and my co sleeping as a weak excuse to end the friendship because he found out I was married (which I did tell him in our very first conversation). He confessed early on that he'd had a crush on my in high school. I am highly suspecting he was just looking for an excuse to cut it off since he realized he wouldn't 'have a shot' at me.

[ChichosMama]

I didn't read through all of this, but I obviously read your initial post.
The guy is an idiot. My brother and I both co-slept with our parents(infact my mom was an OG AP). My brother is 19, played football so well that when he left the team bc the coach was an idiot the coach beeged him to comeback, he started wrestling his senior year and went to CIF(our state championship), is extremely smart, has had much luck with the ladies, and is currently in college to be a firefighter and a fire explorer for AFD. OH MY FECK he is SOOOO messed up. I can go on about myself, but Im a little more that biased. lmao.
That guy is 36 and on facebook. awesome. My brother doesn't even participate in such things(although I do lol).
SO again. The guys an idiot and you rule.

[Momtwice]

for cosleeping links try

Attachment Parenting International
Dr. James McKenna, Notre Dame U
Dr. Jay Gordon
Dr. William Sears askdrsears.com

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

for cosleeping links try

Attachment Parenting International
Dr. James McKenna, Notre Dame U
Dr. Jay Gordon
Dr. William Sears askdrsears.com

Thank you! I will look into those.

Any one else have more?

[purplemoon]

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout1.asp

http://www.hpakids.org/holistic-heal...eping-Benefits

I think that it is so easy to have opinions on parenting when you aren't yet a parent. I think he might remember this brief conversation when one day his partner brings the baby into the bed so that everyone is finally happy.

He might hang his head in shame to remember how easily he judged. Goodness knows I have done that when I finally became a parent.

And really, you learned something about him and you learned maybe you can educate people on co-sleeping. It is so easy to think everyone does it or at least has heard of it and understands it is a valid personal choice. Obviously not.

Take care and I hope some more links are provided for you.

[zinemama]

I guess I don't understand

1) why you are even spending time chatting on the internet with someone you know nothing about, who has only the vaguest connection to your life and nothing in common with you, and

2) why you would even care what some stranger thinks about your parenting style?

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by purplemoon

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout1.asp

http://www.hpakids.org/holistic-heal...eping-Benefits

Take care and I hope some more links are provided for you.

Thank you very much for the additional links. All links provided are being put to good use.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by zinemama

1) why you are even spending time chatting on the internet with someone you know nothing about, who has only the vaguest connection to your life and nothing in common with you, and

2) why you would even care what some stranger thinks about your parenting style?

1) I'm a social person. I wouldn't know how much I have in common with anyone if we never talked.

2) First, he's not a stranger. Not close, but I wouldn't call him a stranger. In the end, I don't care what he thinks about my parenting style. However, in the larges scheme of things, I would have hoped to have educated him and had hoped he would have had an open mind, in the off chance he may someday have children of his own. The more a person knows, the more options they have.

[brennatsi]

In the future, when faced with someone who doesn't have kids, just say, "oh, you'll understand when you have children- ha ha ha!" and move on. If they persist, they are either being jerky or looking for education and you can decide if you want to pursue the conversation. Most of our friends don't have children. I feel like, even when they seem wigged out, I am helping to make cosleeping, extended breastfeeding, etc, a little more normal to them. For their future babies' sakes!

[Softmama]

I realize at this point you are only looking for links for your facebook, and I have none to offer. but i just wanted to say that holy cow this man is RUDE and I would have been offended too. Much more so by that remark about you having intense issues and having problems with husbands. that is way out of bounds in my opinion. I would have just been stunned.

[AlicesMama]

This guy on FB - did it never occur to you after him making a comment like that, that maybe he had suffered some degree of abuse as a child?

It seems like such a weird thing to say that it sounds like what you are doing hit a raw nerve for him.

I'm not saying for him it was in the family setting necessarily, but maybe at school a teacher touched him or something and that has caused him to be wary of everything where there is a possibility/opportunity for something out-of-the-ordinary to happen.

It almost sounded like he was saying he was screwed up?

Anyway, onto support for co-sleeping:

Deborah Jackson "Three in a Bed".

A fantastic book all about co-sleeping and how billions of families all over the world co-sleep (ie, China, India and Africa) because they don't have a choice - they only have one room!

After reading this book, I went from feeling a failure having never got DD to sleep in the crib, to feeling I had saved her from life-altering cruelty.

Finally, I wouldn't open up your heart to strangers, nice to be trusting but be prepared to get trampled upon.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by brennatsi

In the future, when faced with someone who doesn't have kids, just say, "oh, you'll understand when you have children- ha ha ha!" and move on. If they persist, they are either being jerky or looking for education and you can decide if you want to pursue the conversation.

Thanks for the advice. I will try that if it ever comes up again in a similar situation.

Originally Posted by AlicesMama

This guy on FB - did it never occur to you after him making a comment like that, that maybe he had suffered some degree of abuse as a child?

It seems like such a weird thing to say that it sounds like what you are doing hit a raw nerve for him.

I'm not saying for him it was in the family setting necessarily, but maybe at school a teacher touched him or something and that has caused him to be wary of everything where there is a possibility/opportunity for something out-of-the-ordinary to happen.

It almost sounded like he was saying he was screwed up?

It's funny, but for a brief second, that thought actually occurred to me, but not to the extent of your last statement.

Originally Posted by Softmama

I realize at this point you are only looking for links for your facebook, and I have none to offer. but i just wanted to say that holy cow this man is RUDE and I would have been offended too. Much more so by that remark about you having intense issues and having problems with husbands. that is way out of bounds in my opinion. I would have just been stunned.

Thank you, it's nice to have confirmation that he was rude and out of line. Sometimes I just expect the best of everyone and overlook anything wrong other people do because I don't like to be mean.

[Carter'sMommy]

Honestly I had WAY different parenting ideas before I had my son...and you don't really know what works for you until you are in that situation.

But sadly I can think of times where I questioned someone's parenting style based on what I "thought" I would do as a parent.

Just take people who haven't had kids ideas with a grain of salt...I know my beliefs have totally changed!

[PaigeC]

I don't know if this was posted already but this is my favorite site when people freak out that I plan to co-sleep:

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/index.html

I however, have to disagree with the pp who said to say they would understand when they have kids. I can tell you as someone who went through 9 years of infertility this statement is so so hurtful. Sometimes people don't have kids and it isn't by choice and it doesn't mean they don't know anything about parenting. I've been an AP parent/homeschooling advocate for 16 years - but some people really cut me down just because I wasn't blessed with kids. Kinda sucked. Just FYI.

[MeadowAndColtsMama]

I didn't read every post, but... people can just be so weird sometimes. Like there is anything in the world more natural than sleeping with your little ones. We co-slept totally 'til ds was about 5, dd less time but she's still in our bed part of the night almost always. Now I'm due in a couple weeks with ds2 and my mom asks "Where are planning to have him sleep at first? You know, while he's so tiny?" I'm like "Uh, not anywhere without me, obviously!" And we are super close, and she KNOWS we co-sleep. But sometimes people just don't think. Hello, I managed to not roll over on my last 2 kids! I guess I'll do it again. So, I would forget this guy, as you said he's not even a PARENT and therefore has NO framework for what he's talking about. Forget about him! You are right.

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

In previous conversations, I had told him, more than once, that I frequently am away from my computer and that I frequently log off to attend to my children's needs, so if that ever happened, to not be offended.

I totally forgot to talk about this! The actual logging off would get to me too. If my son is having an immediate problem, I just go. I don't log off, I don't type BRB if I'm on IM, I just go and explain when I come back... "oh sorry I disappeared, boy-o whatever whatever'd". Sometimes if it takes ages and the person is gone I'll send a quick email.

But taking the time to log off to go tend to something quickly seems like an extra, unnecessary step, and that might have gotten to him too. Then again, I'm logged into gmail and one or two message boards all day, no matter what else I might be doing in the house. I just never log out of things during the day.

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

And this is another character trait of mine. Being too open. As a friend of mine says, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am too honest.

Me too. And it's hurt me in the past.


On FB I'm a member of Holistic Family Movement. Promotes everything we like here at mothering.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by PaigeC

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/index.html
I however, have to disagree with the pp who said to say they would understand when they have kids. I can tell you as someone who went through 9 years of infertility this statement is so so hurtful. Sometimes people don't have kids and it isn't by choice and it doesn't mean they don't know anything about parenting. I've been an AP parent/homeschooling advocate for 16 years - but some people really cut me down just because I wasn't blessed with kids. Kinda sucked. Just FYI.

Thanks for the link. I've added it, as well as the others, to my face book profile. Guess where? Under my education and work section.

Thank you also for the different perspective. I really couldn't see myself making a comment like that anyway, although I considered it in my head. It's very true that a person doesn't need to be a parent to have knowledge about parenting techniques.