Stbx wants ds EVERY day - Update #111

[DogwoodFairy]

We've been separated for 2 months. He hasn't seen ds in that time because I left the state to stay with family. I'm returning to the "home" state next week. I asked him last night what he was expecting in terms of parenting time with ds while I'm there. He said, "Well, I want him every day".

Now, I know that he misses seeing his son. I understand that and I dont blame him. I recognize my folly in separating them for so long, because that only makes his resolve to "have" ds all that much stronger.

However, NO. You cannot take him from his Mama every day, especially since he hasnt seen you in 2 months. That will scare him.

I suggested that he come visit ds at my Dad's house for the first couple of days (where I will be staying), and I will make myself scarce so he can spend time with ds, but I'll be waiting in the wings if needed. Stbx vetoed that idea. He wants to pick him up that day after we get there and take him away from me, every day, all day.

I said that once ds is comfortable with stbx again, he could take ds for 3 or 4 hours at a time. Ds was never truly comfortable because stbx NEVER spent time with him before, nor did he have any involvement with caretaking, ever. He never spent more than an hour with ds unsupervised (not after the first time anyway). Ds has more of a relationship with my Dad & Dads gf than he does with stbx, and he saw them less (once a week or so).

So how does everyone out there handle the visitation? Am I being too controlling?

I want for him to see ds, but not to take him from me every day. On top of the fact that I worry about ds's care while he's away from me. Stbx hasn''t shown that he can responsibly take care of a toddler. Yet. I know this will come in time, but for now...? How do I arrange this so stbx feels its fair, and it isn't overwhelming for my little boy?

[DanishMom]

I'm afraid that your suggestion would hurt you in court. Since your son isn't a little baby I'd say he could bring him somewhere for the entire day and bring him home in time for dinner. That way you are protecting your son but still showing a decent amount of good will. (That's all you should tell him for now until you have gotten legal advice concerning the visitation schedule).

I don't think your reasoning would fly in court especially since you chose to separate them. (and btw I did read your other thread and fully understand why you needed to get out - I'm just telling you how the court will likely see it). I think you need to be very careful - I'm afraid your stbx has a strong case.

Good luck

[SkiMama36]

It's his child too. Your reasoning would not hold up in court and they would probably see your controlling ways as detrimental to the child's well-being and future bonding with his dad.

Hope you come to a peaceful resolution with your ex.

[chaoticzenmom]

The problem is that your stbx is controlling and abusive. He's going to take your son just to get back at you and if you're there, you'll have no protection against your ex taking your son. He's got equal rights and he could just walk out of the house with your son and you won't have any recourse.

I hope you get some good advice. I'm thinking that contacting an abuse shelter in that area would be a good start. Let them know that he abused you by controlling all of the finances and that you don't have any money at all from the marraige. Now he's threatening to control you again in any way he can...your son. Maybe he needs to have supervised visitation with him using a GAL at this point just to keep both of you from having to kidnap your son in order to have visitation.

I hope your new lawyer can offer some good advice. I'm thinking of you.

[The Harpy]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

The problem is that your stbx is controlling and abusive. He's going to take your son just to get back at you and if you're there, you'll have no protection against your ex taking your son. He's got equal rights and he could just walk out of the house with your son and you won't have any recourse.

I hope you get some good advice. I'm thinking that contacting an abuse shelter in that area would be a good start. Let them know that he abused you by controlling all of the finances and that you don't have any money at all from the marraige. Now he's threatening to control you again in any way he can...your son. Maybe he needs to have supervised visitation with him using a GAL at this point just to keep both of you from having to kidnap your son in order to have visitation.

I hope your new lawyer can offer some good advice. I'm thinking of you.

Ok, so I have to strongly disagree w/ you here. I am a legal secretary, I see this all the time.

Dad isn't being controlling at all. Mom left state w/ the little one for 2 MONTHS and dad didn't get to see his son. So why wouldn't he want to spend lots of time w/ his little one? Really? That isn't abusive. That is a parent who loves their child, their marriage has ended but that doens't meant hat they dont love their child any more. either ya know?

This isn't a reason to call a shelter or anything like that. There is no need for supervised visitation. This is a dad who isn't going to learn to take care of his son if the mum is in the other room 'waiting in the wings'. Trial by fire for the both of them isn't going to hurt th elittle one and isn't going to hurt dad. If anything they will bond together and faster and it will be good for them!

My ex wrote his phone number on DD's hand and dropped her off at a public park w/ at age 5, with his 9 yr old sister, and a quarter to call from the payphone if she wanted to come home before he came back in 3 hours. THAT got supervised access.

I have seen many many a Judge remove mom's ability to veto something or to lessen the ability mom has to have a say over things because of things exactly like this. Mom is controlling time that the child has w/ dad because of HER issues. This isn't about the little one to her, this is about HER issues.

I want for him to see ds, but not to take him from me every day. On top of the fact that I worry about ds's care while he's away from me.

You cannot take him from his Mama every day

Mama, I say this w/ all the kindness in my heart, as I am a single mama as well... you took him away from his Daddy for 2 months. Remember I am sure he felt the same way.

Any Lawyer worth his salt is going to tell you to knock it off, realize that depending on the state that you are in you are going to be starting overnights before age 3 yrs and start to allow the bonding time now while he is young enough to do it w/ out stress. You have the ability to create an amazing skill for your little one here, the ability to go between mom and dad w/ no stress.

Hang in there.. I understand completely! I do!!! But the lawyers that I work for wouldn't touch your case if you walked in w/ an attitude like that and the Judges that I go in front of would have ordered at least 4 days a week, full 8 hour days w/ Dad to make up for the time that you had him gone out of town....

Good luck.

Andrea

[StephandOwen]

What a tough situation. HUGS all around.

Was your ex ever abusive towards ds? Did he ever put ds in any harms way? Or is he just not very involved so you don't think ds will do well?

I'll tell you what my lawyer told me years ago...

How long do you leave ds with another person? Does he go to daycare? Babysitter? Grandparents? What's the longest amount of time ds has been away from you?

That is AT LEAST how long you can expect a Judge to grant him visitation, should it come to it (as long as there's not any proof that ex was ever abusive to ds). So if your ds is in daycare for 8 hours a day while you work.... there's no reason ex can't have him for 8 hours. If ds has spent overnights at Grandparents houses, there's no reason ex can't have him overnight.

Now, I know that sucks and it's not fair. At the time when ex and I went to court (ds was about 8 months old) ds hadn't been away from me other than 30-45 minutes here and there, maybe an hour at most. I came up with a plan for ex to have ds for 1 hour 3 days a week, first supervised and then unsupervised. Once he did that for a few weeks it moved to 2 hours, then 3. Then it would have moved to 4 hours, 5 hours, etc all the way up to overnights and, eventually, weekends. I presented that to the Judge who saw that I was NOT trying to keep ds from ex. I was trying to ease ds into it so that it was best for him. Judge recognized that and basically just put in the order that visitation was at my discretion, since I'd proven to him that I was not trying to keep ex from ds. Ex stopped the visitation, on his own, at 3 hours visits and never wanted more than that.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by The Harpy

Dad isn't being controlling at all. Mom left state w/ the little one for 2 MONTHS and dad didn't get to see his son. So why wouldn't he want to spend lots of time w/ his little one? Really? That isn't abusive. That is a parent who loves their child, their marriage has ended but that doens't meant hat they dont love their child any more. either ya know?

Thank you. This is what I wanted to say, but didn't know how to.

Mama- I know you did what you felt you had to do. But remember- you took his son away from him for 2 months. What if ex decided tomorrow that you are hindering his relationship with ds and that it's in ds's best interest to spend some time with daddy so he takes him for 2 months. Wouldn't you be freaked out? Upset? Sad? Wouldn't you want to spend as much time with him as possible when you finally see him again? Personally, I would try to resolve this between the 2 of you and try my hardest to keep a Judge out of it. If you get the wrong Judge I can see a very bad outcome if the Judge is upset at you taking baby away from daddy for 2 months.

[ginger_rodgers]

Harpy (how apt) -

While I agree with you substantially, it's your attitude of "if it won't kill 'em, it's fine" that provokes what you see as controlling behaviors in the women. While SFS absolutely should not have run off and taken the child like that, we're still talking about a baby who's never spent much time with his dad, and who hasn't seen the man in two months. SFS understands she made a big mistake in running away with the kid, but wanting to ease the child back into being with his dad isn't about _her_ issues, it's about wanting to protect her kid from psychological trauma.

We're not talking about a one-time thing while she leaves the child with a near-stranger so she can go to look for work; we're talking about a daily, major change in the kid's caregiving situation.

My sense from hanging around with dozens of lawyers and lawyers-to-be over the years is that there's a tremendous ethic of nerd macho, even in places that are not particularly macho. Are you hard enough? Can you take it? Yes? Then heap abuse on anyone who can't. In any given coffeehouse around here, if there are people who're unreasonably loud and trying to dominate the space, you can bet they're law students. Frankly, I think the legal mind is twisted in this way, and that it really sticks it to the kids involved in divorce.

The situation that SFS described earlier does indeed warrant a trip to the DV place. If a guy is that controlling financially it raises some serious questions about what's going on. There may be perfectly good reasons for it -- maybe SFS is bipolar with some dangerous spending habits -- but if not, then yes, this is part of what DV shelters exist for. Do I think his insistance on having the boy every day is controlling to the level of DV, no, but I do think it's fantastically selfish and that he fails to take into account the needs of the child. Which is not surprising if he's been basically uninvolved in childrearing.

You don't throw the child into a bad situation so that the parents can (if so inclined) learn. You teach the parents before they get hold of the kid, and then stick around to guide. My goodness, even medical students here get more training and supervision than that -- they have years of practice with fake patients before they're allowed anywhere near real sick people.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by DanishMom

I'm afraid that your suggestion would hurt you in court. Since your son isn't a little baby I'd say he could bring him somewhere for the entire day and bring him home in time for dinner. That way you are protecting your son but still showing a decent amount of good will.

Every day? Ds will go from being with me essentially 24/7 for the last 16 months, to being taken away from me all day, every day, and only brought home in the evening? I think that would be pretty devastating to my son. He's never known another caretaker. Not even his dad. I left because stbx wasn't involved. Ever. Not even a little bit. Ever.

The lack of involvement on stbx's part wasn't due to my leaving - it was present long before I left.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by The Harpy

Mom is controlling time that the child has w/ dad because of HER issues. This isn't about the little one to her, this is about HER issues.

I have to say that I vehemently disagree with most of your sentiments, but the above quoted especially. This is not about me. This is about my son who has NEVER spent more than 4 hours outside of my presence even with a responsible and caring caretaker (like his grandparents). He has NEVER spent that much unsupervised time with his dad - and NOT because I left town, either. Stbx chose not to involve himself in his son's care when we lived under the same roof. He did not feed him, prepare food for him, bathe him, dress him, rock him, etc. Never did he get up in the night, not once.

His complete lack of involvement in our son's life is one reason why I am not there. I needed help. I was DESPERATE for help from him when ds was younger, and NEVER once did he say, "let me take him for 20 minutes so you can go have a shower/eat food/pump milk/wash diapers"....he sat on the couch and watched Steve Wilkos all day long while I was juggling the baby and the house and cleaning up after his lazy ass. His insistence NOW on taking ds from me every day, all day long, is comical at best, and vindictive in nature, and my son is the one who is going to suffer because of it.

[AngelBee]

I am praying for you and totally agree with how you are seeing this.

F^^^ him for thinking that he can have him everyday. Where was he for the 14 months before you left?



GET A LAWYER!

[wytchywoman]

First off,no judge will grant a NCP all day long visits seven days a week. Even in the most shared circumstances, meaning joint custody, it is usually 3-4 days, but certainly not every day.
I do have a few questions for you and a bit of experience in this. Will you be working outside the home that would necesitate the need for child care? Does your STBX work? If you needed childcare could he be that provider for you? If you do not work, what is the longest period of time you have left your son with another care provider. Does he eat solid foods and drink from a sippy yet? Does your son have any special needs? Was your STBX ever abusive to you or your DH?
My experience in daily visits was this: Ex would come over every morning to my house when G was little and would feed him breakfast, get him ready for day care and then drop him off. He would sometimes come and visit him at night too. This took place in my home, but it gave ex and G some quality time every day and both of them had the experience of ex participating in G's daily life activities, which I think is important. This took place from the time G was 8 weeks old as that was when I had to return back to work.Three years on down the line through a series of circumstances ex and I believed that G would be far happier if he lived with ex rather than myself. I was the one to pick G up from daycare every evening and feed and bathe him and get him ready for bed and then walked him home ( we were living in the same apartment complex at that time). This went on for a year and a half. I know that ex is not amenable to visits in your living environment right now, but perhaps with time he will settle down and then maybe this type of arrangement might be workable? Just wanted to say that daily visitation does not mean taking and keeping the child away from the CP all day long. There are some alternatives. Speak to your lawyer and find out what the standard child visitation agreements are for your son's age. Most states have standards set as far as length and frequency of visitation.

[DogwoodFairy]

Temporary custody and visitation wont be set until the hearing Feb 9th. I am aware of what a judge will probably set for visitation, in terms of being reasonable to ds and to the stbx. I'm not even concerned yet about what the court will order (well, I am, but I have a month to work that out and come to terms with it). What I am concerned with right now is how to let stbx have frequent and reasonable contact with his son over the next month UNTIL temporary custody/visitation are ordered.

This is visitation that we need to work out on our own just until the hearing rolls around. And I'm concerned about setting a precedent in terms of what the court will see on Feb 9th. If I let stbx take ds every day all day long, the judge will likely see that I agree to it, and that I think ds is okay with that arrangement, and will order it to continue. Which is NOT where I want to be in a month. I would like to retain primary custody, and that won't happen if ds is essentially living with stbx every day and only spending the night with me. Right now, neither one of us is "officially" a NCP or otherwise.

I just wondered how others who separate work out the visitation until the court orders something.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by Socks for Supper

Temporary custody and visitation wont be set until the hearing Feb 9th. I am aware of what a judge will probably set for visitation, in terms of being reasonable to ds and to the stbx. I'm not even concerned yet about what the court will order (well, I am, but I have a month to work that out and come to terms with it). What I am concerned with right now is how to let stbx have frequent and reasonable contact with his son over the next month UNTIL temporary custody/visitation are ordered.

This is visitation that we need to work out on our own just until the hearing rolls around. And I'm concerned about setting a precedent in terms of what the court will see on Feb 9th. If I let stbx take ds every day all day long, the judge will likely see that I agree to it, and that I think ds is okay with that arrangement, and will order it to continue. Which is NOT where I want to be in a month. I would like to retain primary custody, and that won't happen if ds is essentially living with stbx every day and only spending the night with me. Right now, neither one of us is "officially" a NCP or otherwise.

I just wondered how others who separate work out the visitation until the court orders something.

In an effort to appear contrite for taking his child away from him, I'd suggest 4 hour visits daily. That keeps you as the primary parent but shows your willingness to provide access to the child. I think it's your best bet, because there's a possibility walking into court in February that YOU will be made the NCP unless it is VERY clear you are going to bend over backwards to facilitate this relationship.

I would also recommend that you take a different twist on it. Instead of FIGHTING this, I think you should send stbx a certified letter (return reciept so you can prove he got it) saying the following:

STBX,

I am so glad that you are taking such an interest in being an active part of DS's world! As you can imagine, this is a change we are all adjusting to, and I think it's fantastic for DS that you are doing this. You asked me to have DS for 8 hours daily, which doesn't really amount to my having equal time with him, as he's a toddler and that's the majority of his waking hours. I would love for you to enjoy parenting time with him for 4 hours daily, beginning immediately this Monday from x-xpm, so we can share our relationship with him. You are welcome to pick him up from my residence at the beginning of your time, and I will pick him up from you afterwards. Thanks for working this out, I'm glad we're able to put things aside for DS's sake. We'll be working together for the next 17 years so the best time to start is now!

Warmest Regards,
XW

Now...think about this for a second. He's kind of set himself up for failure here. Do you REALLY think he's going to show EVERY DAY for the next MONTH?? There has GOT to be a day here and there he cancels. So by default he's going to be failing to meet an adjustment of the agreement he offered. Go ahead and agree to 4 hours daily. Then when he cancels, just be charming and graceful and say no problem, we'll try again tomorrow. No guilt trip, nada. Just document how much he shows up. Then in court, you will have grounds to say well he wanted to see DS daily but that doesn't fit his schedule, can we have him pick up DS 3x a week for 4hrs?

See THAT is how you look reasonable. THAT is how you hold the cards. If you freak out on him wanting HIS OWN CHILD...you look unbalanced. Sorry, but it's true.

If he was as uninvolved as you say, then he won't last a month with a daily pick up schedule. If he's really ready to be this involved, than it's not a bad thing. Either way you're coming out ahead.

[ginger_rodgers]

Originally Posted by Socks for Supper

I'm concerned about setting a precedent in terms of what the court will see on Feb 9th. If I let stbx take ds every day all day long, the judge will likely see that I agree to it, and that I think ds is okay with that arrangement, and will order it to continue. Which is NOT where I want to be in a month.

I think you're probably right. However, I'd also pay attention to what Steph is saying re her experience. You want it crystal-clear that you're not trying to stand in the way of your DS's relationship with his dad (and of course taking off to OR has hurt you there).

If I were you, I would go find a child psychologist (may be tough to do in your area) or other ages 0-5 development specialist and get expert advice on how to manage this transition for ds. Invite stbx along, but go, discuss your concerns, see what the expert says about how to ease ds into this without traumatizing him. That way you can go to a judge and show that yes, you're interested in their having a good relationship, but you'd like to do it in some way that's reasonable given the fact that ds is a baby and has never been in his father's sole care before. You can also let that expert recommend your stbx take some parenting classes on developmental stages and get some support for caring for the baby. This will becoming from the expert, not from you. It's tougher for a judge to dismiss the opinion of an expert than the "overemotional, hysterical, controlling, irresponsible, flight-risky" mom's opinion. And it will demonstrate that yes, you do want to foster their relationship, and are trying to do the right thing.

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by Socks for Supper

Every day? Ds will go from being with me essentially 24/7 for the last 16 months, to being taken away from me all day, every day, and only brought home in the evening? I think that would be pretty devastating to my son. He's never known another caretaker. Not even his dad. I left because stbx wasn't involved. Ever. Not even a little bit. Ever.

The lack of involvement on stbx's part wasn't due to my leaving - it was present long before I left.

No, not every day. I do understand if he would want some extra time with your son in the beginning though. I'm thinking that if he could be with him two whole days a week that would be a good solution. I also do agree with the Harpy that it's going to be easier on your son if he'll learn to transition from mom's place to dad's place while he's young. Not saying that you should start overnights anytime soon but it's harder on kids if you wait until they are five or six - IMO

I don't blame you for having very negative emotions about your ex but believe me when I tell you that if your ex can become an involved dad in the future it's going to be so much easier on all of you. It will save both you and your son the heartache that comes with a dead beat dad. The pain that kids feel when they get older and realize that their dad doesn't care that much is indescribable and you would be the one to answer all the tough questions your son is going to ask.

The fact that he's been uninvolved does not mean that he has no love for his son or that it hasn't been really hard on him to be separated from him for two months. Spending time with him alone will get him involved. Of course it's sad that he didn't get involved sooner but it certainly is better than nothing. BTW, my dad was pretty uninvolved when I was a child but there is no doubt that he loves me a lot and we have a great relationship now and he is a great granddad to my son.

I think the most important thing here is that you need to look good in court after leaving the state for two months. I'm really worried how the judge will react to that. Above all you need legal counseling ASAP.

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers

I think you're probably right. However, I'd also pay attention to what Steph is saying re her experience. You want it crystal-clear that you're not trying to stand in the way of your DS's relationship with his dad (and of course taking off to OR has hurt you there).

If I were you, I would go find a child psychologist (may be tough to do in your area) or other ages 0-5 development specialist and get expert advice on how to manage this transition for ds. Invite stbx along, but go, discuss your concerns, see what the expert says about how to ease ds into this without traumatizing him. That way you can go to a judge and show that yes, you're interested in their having a good relationship, but you'd like to do it in some way that's reasonable given the fact that ds is a baby and has never been in his father's sole care before. You can also let that expert recommend your stbx take some parenting classes on developmental stages and get some support for caring for the baby. This will becoming from the expert, not from you. It's tougher for a judge to dismiss the opinion of an expert than the "overemotional, hysterical, controlling, irresponsible, flight-risky" mom's opinion. And it will demonstrate that yes, you do want to foster their relationship, and are trying to do the right thing.

Great advice!

[grass67hopper]

Great advice from Theoretica and GR!
Trust me, I know how difficult this is...
When you go back to Maine, you need to look like the most accommodating, flexible, wanting to have a good relationship between DS and X, non-controlling mama that ever lived.
Maybe do agree to a everyday. I'd drop DS with X (not have X come and pick him up) -- this shows that you are cooperating and willing to share. You may have to leave a screaming child... This really sucks, I know! But give X the chance to fail. Give him DS at lunch or nap time -- show him what it's really like! Even through dinner time and into pjs. Make it clear to him that he has to buy clothing, toys, etc.
It is going to kill you, but it may be a good way to have X come to his own conclusions. Yes, you will have to give DS extra nurturing and reassurance, and it will be difficult for him.
As PPs have said, if there is any evidence of abuse this is another story. But as I've seen, emotional abuse does not fly in court -- it has to be documented physical abuse.
Yes, this is a risk... But usually if you give a guy like this enough rope, he'll do the hanging all by himself.
Stay strong!

[wytchywoman]

I think gr hit it spot on. I would definitely follow that advice.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by grass67hopper

Great advice from Theoretica and GR!
Trust me, I know how difficult this is...
When you go back to Maine, you need to look like the most accommodating, flexible, wanting to have a good relationship between DS and X, non-controlling mama that ever lived.
Maybe do agree to a everyday. I'd drop DS with X (not have X come and pick him up) -- this shows that you are cooperating and willing to share. You may have to leave a screaming child... This really sucks, I know! But give X the chance to fail. Give him DS at lunch or nap time -- show him what it's really like! Even through dinner time and into pjs. Make it clear to him that he has to buy clothing, toys, etc.
It is going to kill you, but it may be a good way to have X come to his own conclusions. Yes, you will have to give DS extra nurturing and reassurance, and it will be difficult for him.
As PPs have said, if there is any evidence of abuse this is another story. But as I've seen, emotional abuse does not fly in court -- it has to be documented physical abuse.
Yes, this is a risk... But usually if you give a guy like this enough rope, he'll do the hanging all by himself.
Stay strong!

I totally agree with you here...I'm okay with stbx being with ds every day, just not ALL day. I dont think it will last too long, for obvious reasons. I think that I will have him come to ds the day after we get there, because we wont get in until 2 am, and jet lag, adjustment to yet another new place for ds...
I'm just not okay with having him whisked away from me the next morning. Plus ds will be cranky and want to be on the boob all day. I've flown with ds to Oregon twice before (once our stay was a duration of 1.5 months), so I know well how he needs to get his wits about him the next day after flying.

After that, though, I'm totally okay with stbx having him for 3-4 (to start) hour shifts, and I already told him that if he's comfortable with doing ds's naptime, then I'll concede. But he has to give ds a few days to get used to being w/stbx, AND he has to promise me that he's not going to let ds CIO. I stand strong in my personal belief that letting a baby (no matter how old) CIO is abusive. I dont care if he puts him in the car and drives around to get him to sleep, if thats what it takes. Stbx seemed okay with that being my only "rule". I also dont mind dropping ds off and picking him up.

I have already considered having ds do an overnight so that stbx can see what its really like to have a lo wake up every 30 minutes because he's teething, or too hot, or too cold, or because the cat sneezed 3 rooms away...wouldn't hurt anything for stbx to see what he's really signing on for, but I'll have to see how things go before I feel comfortable with that. Plus, stbx sleeps REALLY deeply, and uses a CPAP machine for sleep apnea, so he probably wouldnt wake up for ds anyway, especially with ds in another room all alone.

As for evidence of abuse, well, I'm sure a court wouldn't consider stbx's behavior abuse, so my definition doesnt matter. Here's an instance that I recall:
Ds was 4 months old. I left him with stbx for 3 hours to go to an appointment in another town. Ds was still ebf, and I had pumped a bunch of milk to leave with them (lol, I had milk pumped and frozen for MONTHS in the hope that the husband would take over for ONE night feeding, and it never happened). Anyway, I got a frantic call from stbx as I was leaving my appointment and still an hour drive away. Ds was screaming in the background. I asked how long he'd been crying, and stbx told "since you left 2.5 hours ago".
Me: Did you feed him? Is he hungry? Whats wrong?
Stbx: Well, I tried once to put the bottle in his mouth but he just chewed on the nipple instead of sucking, so I figured he didn't want it.
Me: When was that?
Stbx: 2 hours ago.
Me: And you havent tried to feed him again?
Stbx: Well, I didnt think he was hungry.
Me: Well, he might be NOW! Its been 2hours!
Stbx: He doesnt like the bottle nipple.
Me: Of course he doesnt! He's not used to it. That means you KEEP TRYING until he gets some milk in his tummy. Even if he has to chew the bottle nipple to get it. He doesnt have to suck to get milk, you know. Try an eye dropper, he needs to eat something.
Stbx: I'll just wait til you get here. You'll be here in an hour, right?

So, probably no one would consider it abuse. But I consider it neglect to not feed a baby for hours when he's screaming because he's hungry. What kind of person wouldn't try to feed a crying baby more than once in a 3 hour period? :