or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › You cannot possibly know...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

You cannot possibly know... - Page 5

post #81 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
I believe it's entirely possible that there are parents of newborns, who are good at cooking and for whom it's a priority, that can successfully roast a chicken the way you describe. You may very well be one of them.
I'm catching up on this thread but just wanted to say that, both to save time and to make sure meat is cooked well on the inside, I often pre-cook it some in the microwave oven (maybe not very NFL) and then continue cooking/roasting in a pot or baking in the oven.
The same with vegetables like aubergine and courgette, I steam it
some and then make an oven dish out of it being sure all is thoroughly cooked in a proper amount of time.

And oh did I have problems cooking every day meals and doing dishes in those first months, after both children! So glad dh was taking over that part or bringing food home from outside at times :-).
post #82 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by frontierpsych View Post
I just wonder why people feel the need to ask obvious questions when it comes to this type of thing. Like:

"I plan to breastfeed."
"But what if you can't breastfeed?"
are they expecting "Then I'll do it anyways, dammit!"

or

"I'm planning a homebirth."
"but what if you need a c-section?"
obviously the answer would be "then I'll transfer and have a c-section." are they expecting "That's what butcher knives are for!"?

AAAUGH I know!! Lol. I get that with breastfeeding a lot.

Also, my friend came from out of town yesterday, asked me something about my cats, and then she goes, so, what if your kid is allergic to your cats? Like, WHY would you say that to me? Obviously I am committed as a parent to my child's health (and also as a "pet owner," to my pets); obviously I hope it doesn't come to that, and chances are it will not, but IF it does, I will address the situation in one of several obvious ways as any other parent would. Did she expect me to say, well I won't do anything, I don't care if my child suffers?! If one solution doesn't work, then I will try another solution, and I will make it work. I mean there are several obvious solutions, from treating the allergies to re-homing the pets, and I assume most people would at least attempt to make things work in a way that was healthy for everyone before having to re-home a pet, but I can't know how that would turn out unless it happened and would do what I needed to address the situation as it presented itself to me.

So by asking me that question, it was like she knew what the obvious answer would be, in general, knew it would be a difficult situation if it came up, but chose to ask me to predict what I will do in an unlikely situation that is not relevant now anyways- what am I supposed to say to that?? I think because I am a vegan and believe in animal rights, she has this subconscious notion that I am a crazy extremist who would put animals before people or something.. whereas I believe there are usually solutions that can accommodate the rights of both animals and people. But, no, just because I am a vegan does not mean I will ignore and fail to treat any medical concern in my child, related to pets or otherwise..

I think with a lot of NFL/AP/whatever practices, some people actually do expect, somewhere deep in their psyche, that we would attempt a kitchen table cesarean over a hospital birth.. or starve our child if we couldn't breastfeed.. because they are seeing our lifestyles and choices as extreme and differing from the mainstream, rather than seeing the values they tend to be rooted in, which as someone pointed out, are the important thing. If someone is looking at natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. in the context of honoring the body and the child and trying to protect their best interests, it becomes clear that if things do not go as planned, the solution is to come up with a new plan that meets those values and honors your child- but if they are only seeing the specific "strange" practices and taking them at face value, judging them as unfamiliar and extreme, some odd preconceptions tend to come out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momily
So, while I think if you set your mind on certain parenting "practices" you're likely to fail to some degree, but if you set your mind on using certain values to guide your parenting choices, then I think you'll be successful.
:
post #83 of 102
I hated this too. It was so annoying. It's like people think that you don't know what you are getting into when you decide to have kids. Well, some of us do! For me, having a baby was exactly what I expected it to be. For me it was mostly having a clean house and getting dressed in the mornings. I was told "you're house wont be so clean when you have children" and "you wont have any time to get your nails done anymore" well, I'll tell you my house is still clean and my nails are still done. Now it's "he's still young, wait until he's older" "wait until you have two" and bla bla bla.
post #84 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by CookAMH View Post
As a pp said, it'll be "wait till you have two...etc".
Oh god, we went through those comments after our daughter was born and DP's brother and his wife had their 2nd. We had our 2nd, told them (mostly DP's mom) that they were full of it, and I'm 100% certain we'll be saying the same if/when we have a 3rd (they have three now).

Personally, I think it's great to have a positive attitude and not focus on all the "OMG, parenting is soooooo hard" comments that are out there. It's not that hard for everyone, and a lot depends on how you approach things.

IME, washing cloth diapers was NOT hard. Not with a newborn, not with a toddler.

IME, making baby food (either setting aside an hour to make enough to last for weeks or just mushing up what we were having for dinner -- NOT hard.

IME, breastfeeding -- not hard. Actually, super easy because it meant my babe could go *anywhere* with me, fall asleep easily, always have food ready, etc. Same with extended breastfeeding -- both of my kids nursed for three years each, and it was very easy for us and made our lives easier in numerous ways.

Can those things be hard? I guess, depending on the circumstances. But generally, I think the norm is for them to be easy unless a parent is making them hard for herself.
post #85 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
Well, it's true that weird unforeseen circumstances happen, but some things DO go according to plan.

Yep, definitely.
post #86 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by ernalala View Post
The same with vegetables like aubergine and courgette,
Translation for Americans: aubergine=eggplant, courgette=small zucchini

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post

Personally, I think it's great to have a positive attitude and not focus on all the "OMG, parenting is soooooo hard" comments that are out there. It's not that hard for everyone, and a lot depends on how you approach things.
Plus it's so, so dependent on very idiosyncratic circumstances. DS is going through an "easy" stage, but he is very big for his age so it still is difficult to parent him sometimes just because he is SO heavy to lift and dress and carry even in an Ergo. If he had exactly the same personality in a smaller body, he would be super-super-easy right now. Likewise his learning to walk was a very difficult stage for us, but that was partly because we were in a horribly busy time at school/ work and any small other pressure just was too much, including dealing with a newly-toddling toddler. Again-- it would be silly for me to predict the same stages as being difficult for a totally different mother, with a totally different baby, with a totally different job for that matter.
post #87 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama_Gaia View Post
I think with a lot of NFL/AP/whatever practices, some people actually do expect, somewhere deep in their psyche, that we would attempt a kitchen table cesarean over a hospital birth.. or starve our child if we couldn't breastfeed.. because they are seeing our lifestyles and choices as extreme and differing from the mainstream, rather than seeing the values they tend to be rooted in, which as someone pointed out, are the important thing. If someone is looking at natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. in the context of honoring the body and the child and trying to protect their best interests, it becomes clear that if things do not go as planned, the solution is to come up with a new plan that meets those values and honors your child- but if they are only seeing the specific "strange" practices and taking them at face value, judging them as unfamiliar and extreme, some odd preconceptions tend to come out.


:
I really agree with this. Of course most people don't make comments because they think you are so odd and different that you will take something to some absurd extreme. But I do this this happens, and perhaps more than I would care to admit. I actually got the "you are going to kill youself/your baby and I will have to bury you" routine from my family, because home birth was just so extreme to them, that they imagined all sorts of extreme scenarios.

Mama_Gaia I am sorry about your friends comment. I would have been tempted to say something like "well, if that happens of course I will put my child up for adoption," but then I am a smart ass.

In general though, I tend to think people who say "just wait until" just are not thinking that this could be offensive, or are feeling slightly guilty for some of their choices and are unconsciously hoping you will make the same choice. Misery loves company, yk? For example, if you have 10 mommas together, and 9 use CIO (or bottles instead of breast or disposables instead of cloth or insert whatever here), and one doesn't, even without saying a word it can becomes a thorn to some of the mommas. If that 10th momma would just fall in line and do X, then everyone else can convince themselves that they really had only that one option. Just the fact that she doesn't, even without words, means there is another, possibly better option, that all those other mommas did not choose. And that makes some of them feel bad. And these are the ones that sometimes make this comment.
post #88 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Niamh View Post
Oh, sweetie, it doesn't end after the baby is born. Then you get the "wait til they start walking', 'wait til they start talking back', 'wait til they have a sibling', wait 'til, wait 'til, wait 'til..... It never ends.
I agree. The comments won't end after the baby is born. I'd let it go in one ear and out the other. I think your plans sound wonderful!
post #89 of 102
I haven't read the posts but I've told "people" this not as a hey your pregnant or childless now you think you know and you don't but as a response when they tell me ("I would never") that they just know and assume cause I ended up doing things not always as planned its because I'm weak or a hypocriate.

Deanna
post #90 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyMomma View Post
Oh, & I've definately nursed while in the bathroom. My own. While peeing. Sometimes neither of us could wait.
I've nursed in a public restroom once .. for same reason lol she was hungry and I just had to pee!! When I came out DP tried to take her (my pants weren't fully help and he was trying to help) until he realized she was still nursing lol I must say though, it was extremely difficult lol

As far as the "you don't know" deal, I got that ALL the time.That and the "that's what they all say" routine. A doc actually told me "That's what they all say. Just wait until you get there" when I told him - yes HIM - I was planning a natural birth. (I was having trouble breathing so DP took me a doc .. uck). He's a man, wtf does he know about the physical aspects of birth? That is where I can safely say "You cannot possibly know". He wasn't even a OB of any sort. Needless to say, I did the natural birth without any drugs of any kind .. so THERE

The best part about all that though, once you start doing everything you said you would and it starts working, you get to say "HA" to them, if only in your head I love proving them wrong as often as possible.

On a side note, if you find yourself cloth diapering with the washable cloth diapers (there are ones that have inserts that are flushable which we use sometimes, especially when we go away because it's just easier than carting back smelling cloths) and your baby gets a rash, like mine did, you have to wash them with vinegar. If you don't want to put the vinegar in the washing machine - or can't for various reasons - just soak them in water and vinegar after you rinse them out (like before you put them in the laundry) and then wash them regularly to get the yeast out of them. That's what I had to do.

Good Luck with the baby!

OH! If you are trying to state your case for cloth diapers, I wrote an essay on it for my family because they were annoying as shit about it. Actually, they laughed in my face for it ... literally. Anyway, I have it posted on my website if you are looking for some facts and figured.
http://danandcaro.com/journals.asp?m...r=2008&month=6
We also have baby pictures!

Again, Good Luck!! Just try to ignore everyone
post #91 of 102
Quote:
The best part about all that though, once you start doing everything you said you would and it starts working, you get to say "HA" to them, if only in your head I love proving them wrong as often as possible.
LOL - I feel the same way! I love that all of the things I couldn't possible do, I did and then some!

In my opinion, some people are planners and others aren't.
Some people hate the idea of planning things - they feel it locks them in.
I, on the other hand, am one of those people who reads boooks, frequents message boards and madly researchs the best method for an awe some birth. I read so much on Natural Parenting by my DS's birth I felt I could write a book to rival Sears, lol!

I had several friends who thought I was crazy for planning a natural birth - they wanted to just go with the flow. I am so grateful I planned for a natural birth - because when the time came I was prepared for what a natural birth would be like and it was awesome.

I had several family members who told me I would give up breastfeeding straight away - and not to be disappointed if I only made it to 6 weeks. I planned to BF for a month and then kept upping my limit - first it was 4 weeks, then 4 mths, then a year ...I BF my DS for 18 mths, and was totally happy with it.

Don't listen to the comments - knowledge is power. Sure, you wont have all of the answers but your certainly able to know the type of parenting you want to acheive!
post #92 of 102
Thread Starter 
WOW! So many responses... I agree with just about everyone... :

It is easy for me to say now what I will do when it is all just talk. But when push comes to shove what will I do? How could I possibly know? That is very true.

We are pretty heavy duty into environmental stuff, and I do not think I could justify doubling my garbage for years for a baby's poo. That being said, there may well be times when disposibles are just easier, and I do realize the time all those loads of laundry will take! We purchased our washer and dryer with future needs in mind. Diaper services are not out of the question either, especially during the growing season.

Cooking with a baby! I know, so hard. Thankfully my hubby is a good cook, and also vergy good with all kids, so we should be able to manage, even if we only make 3 things a week and eat a lot of leftovers...

I know women who could not breastfeed although it was their fondest wish so I know that things can often go wrong and there is nothing you can do.

As for not knowing your baby and what they need until you get them. I know already the baby I will get. A little person I will love more then I could possibly imagine. Nothing else is as important as that!

So many things will be in flux, so many things will come and go, so many things will happen or not happen. And I can not see the future any more then anyone else. But I have never not planned for an important event, and of course I will not start now.
post #93 of 102
Quote:
Before I was even pregnant, two different people asked me why I babysat in the nursery at church. That made me so sad!
I know! I've been hearing, "Why are you a Girl Scout leader when you don't have a daughter in the troop?" for the past six years! It's because Girl Scouting is fun and girls need a leader and I can help, duh!

Heather, here's my vent about cloth diapering that I finally posted after I had proved all the naysayers wrong. The "post a link" button isn't working, so I'll have to just paste it:
http://blog.earthlingshandbook.org/2...h-diapers.aspx
post #94 of 102
I always find it frustrating when people who don't have kids tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing with my child.

Or when they're just outright obnoxious about how they plan to parent their (as yet unborn) children. And then they have a baby, and don't do any of the things they were so obnoxious about. I don't care either way how you plan to parent, but understand that you're going to be met with some skepticism until you've parented your own child. It's just the way it is.
post #95 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
I know! I've been hearing, "Why are you a Girl Scout leader when you don't have a daughter in the troop?" for the past six years! It's because Girl Scouting is fun and girls need a leader and I can help, duh!
Yes, it's flabbergasting to me that people take the mindset that you don't need to worry about parenting issues until you find out you are pregnant.

I'm a planner and I love children. So, I got interested in AP/NFL while I was in high school and it took off from there. I can't tell you how many people think I'm a "freak" because I already know I want to breastfeed and have a homebirth and use cloth diapers. True, some things may not work out but I feel better prepared for whatever may come having done some research, listened to other experiences, and thought about what speaks to me intuitively.

How is planning and deciding how you want to parent before you have children a BAD thing??!! I definitely don't think it is for everyone to plan ahead nor do I think that there can't be good outcomes without pre-planning. But, I can't help but think that the world would be a better place, if more people put some forethought into parenting.

Welcome to MDC, hmk123! I think you will find everyone here is very supportive and accepting--even to us without children yet There's even a tribe of us in FYT!

Kylix
post #96 of 102
Being 34 weeks along, I can totally relate. I get told this by friends and family—including ones who just have only had their babies 4 weeks...this includes birthing. The thing is most of them either did not adopt a natural lifestyle before their kids or they didn't put the time into researching it.

It really used to hurt my feelings (and sometimes still does)—especially when I've invested so much time in learning different parenting methods so I can be a little prepared when she gets here. I've been learning about and preparing for this for nearly 3 years (had 2 m/cs over that time) so it's not like I just suddenly got pregnant and suddenly think I'm an expert at having babies.

I anticipate it will be very hard and that I will make unforeseeable mistakes. I also anticipate that some of my ideals may not totally work out for me. However, I believe a lot of the things I've investigated (CDing, BFing, birthing, etc...) can work out. The only thing we can do is to enjoy proving these nay-sayers wrong by setting example once our daughter's born.

For now, I put my foot down and tell folks it's a closed subject when they are rude. I try not to volunteer too much info either unless I know someone will either be supportive or at least open-minded about it (they don't have to agree with me—just not talk to me like I'm an idiot).

I don't get in others' business to tell them how they should raise their children...nor do I make crazy predictions of how their parenting styles "won't work out" for them. I think I deserve the same respect in return.
post #97 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by hmk123 View Post
I hate it when people tell me that I cannot possibly know what I will do when I actually have a baby, about how I will raise them and what I will and will not do.

"You cannot possibly know until you actually have them. Then you will see and change your mind." My sister is particualrly annoying on this subject.
That's incredibly frustrating, and I agree with the others who have said it's because that person couldn't get something to work, or didn't really care about that particular thing, that she thinks it can't work for anyone.Clearly many mothers can and do breastfeed. Why wouldn't you be one of them? And if it doesn't work or you change your mind or whatever, that doesn't mean you are doomed from the start.

There are a lot of things I see other parents doing, and I wonder how in the heck they accomplish it, but that doesn't mean I think they can't. She isn't you, so she has no idea of what you can and cannot do. I remember when I was pregnant with my first and I had these ideas, and my sister would get almost outraged with me. I remember talking with her about my birth plan ideas, because I wanted her input, and when I said that I didn't want an episiotomy, she was all, "You have to have an episiotomy, they don't give you a choice, they don't even ask!" When I said that was the situation I was trying to avoid and that's why I was talking to her, she was just kind of doing the rueful laugh "you'll see!" kind of thing.

And then when you do successfully do some of the things you wanted to do, the attitude after the fact is not usually, "Wow, I was wrong." It ends up being more "Oh sure, you could do X because you didn't do Y. Well, I don't want to be like that anyway, I think that's weird." She seemed really taken aback when I had a homebirth because she wouldn't want a homebirth. It finally came out one day, and she liked going to the hospital, it was the only way to get away. And I told her I completely understood the value that she put on it and I didn't think there was anything wrong with that, but that different people want different things. She seemed better after that.

post #98 of 102
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SquishyKitty View Post
I always find it frustrating when people who don't have kids tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing with my child.

Or when they're just outright obnoxious about how they plan to parent their (as yet unborn) children. And then they have a baby, and don't do any of the things they were so obnoxious about. I don't care either way how you plan to parent, but understand that you're going to be met with some skepticism until you've parented your own child. It's just the way it is.
I do hope I am not obnoxious! And I do not to have discussions with anyone about how I HOPE to raise my kids, unless I meet people who are doing something I want to do then I will pick their brain and tell them (honestly) when I am impressed with their children or what they are doing.

My sister and her family were with us for 10 days over the holidays and a few times kid stuff just came up. She is my sister so I felt OK telling her what I hoped to be able to do, in no way to put her down or judge her actions, her daughers are amazing kids and my sister is a huge "mama bear" and I could not do what she did and raise infants and toddlers 400 miles away from family when my husband was in a tank in the desert. She knows how amazing I think she is, we have talked about that often, I don't think she feels I have judged her parenting in any negative way.

But my situation is very diffrent. My kids will grow up on an organic farm. Her kids are growing up on a miltary base.

Everyone's situation is diffrent, I just find it strange, and other women have told me, that they had similar receptions about their comments, even after they have kids. A lot of my intial contact with this attitude came when we lost a 12 week pregancy last year, being the research junky I am I was 6 weeks into heavy research when I ended up in the ER with a rupturing ectopic. (I know to "mommies" that probably seems to early to have bonded, but I still felt like I lost my first baby.)

Even comments like "I'd like to try..." (which is how I phrase things whenever I talk to someone about children) seem to make some women think you are judging them if they didn't do "x." It is such a slippery slope!

I understand the skeptisim, but that being said, no one deserves hostility for a casual comment...
post #99 of 102
Hmmm... I only read the first page or so yet & it keeps getting longer too... But when I saw the title, it didn't make me think of people having to change their plans regarding parenting after they have personal experience with their own actual children.

However I do totally agree that one "couldn't possibly understand" what it's like to be a parent until becoming one. For me, the birth of my daughter (my first child) was the most transformative moment of my life, I literally became a different person, able to understand (lots...yk) at the moment my daughter left my body and was a separate being from me.

Really I didn't have much in the way of a definite plan regarding details for feeding, type of clothing, diapering, parenting philosophies & strategies, or any of that.

No detailed plan, just the outline of a few simple principles in mind, to at least try - (1) to apply the "golden rule" in my relationships with my children. (2) to keep the focus of our relationship(s) on mutual kindness, consideration and compassion, & unconditional love - and to refrain from using force, violence, or other punitive actions to control their behavior (NOT saying I don't teach them what I feel are the boundaries of acceptable behavior - just that I sort of jolly them into it rather than making them do it (whatever it is). and (3) actually this is #1 but whatever *always* express love to my children in any way that I could. The first words I said to each of my 3 newborns were "I love you" and they have been told and shown that ever since.

I've certainly gotten frustrated with them, maybe I've even thrown some empty threats around their direction once or twice (humorously outlandish threats work best, imo, b/c laughter breaks up conflict so nicely).

At the time I started using the internet at home my 2 were no longer babies, dd was maybe 6 and ds 3. Then I got pg again, was "diagnosed" high risk and stuck on bedrest, so I started reading about it online and realized that other people (outside my small pocket of at least some like minds) do parent similarly to me and that there was a name for it and books about it, well what do you know!

Ooops - bedtime! (Past it actually.) Night night!

Disclaimer - I just want to say I realize most people here agree with me, not that I think I'm educating anyone on how to be w/their babes!
post #100 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by ombra*luna View Post
Hmmm... I only read the first page or so yet & it keeps getting longer too... But when I saw the title, it didn't make me think of people having to change their plans regarding parenting after they have personal experience with their own actual children.

However I do totally agree that one "couldn't possibly understand" what it's like to be a parent until becoming one. For me, the birth of my daughter (my first child) was the most transformative moment of my life, I literally became a different person, able to understand (lots...yk) at the moment my daughter left my body and was a separate being from me.
That's where it gets tricky because while "you" didn't understand what it was going to be like does not mean that others don't. Some people really do know what it is going to be like.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › You cannot possibly know...