Protecting the Gift discussion - ch. 3 Worry - Page 2

[phathui5]

Now that my oldest is eight and wants to ride his bike around the block, I worry about him getting lost and not being able to find his way home. I know it doesn't make sense, because he only wants to go around the block, but what if he sees some other kids and they talk him into going off with them somewhere?

[phathui5]

Is everybody ready to start ch. 4?

[Hazelnut]

i'm ready, but I wanted to comment really quick- I read 3 and 4 last night and was actually really surprised by the comment (someone mentioned it here) in the book by the mom who said she worried so much about leaving her kids alone if she died, that she'd rather her child be on an airplane with her. I've actually thought through this same thing (of course!) and thought I'd feel some measure of relief in that position if my child were not with me. I can't imagine the horror I'd feel if I knew that not only was I going to likely die, but my child probably would with me. Yes I know it's worthless to sit and torture myself with such thoughts, but it really drove home for me how deep that desire is to keep them living at all costs. I think my worry about preserving their life trumps the fear I have of leaving them. Just thinking out loud, since he talks so much about the primal instinct we have to protect our offspring, and this seems so opposite of that to me.

I did find some of his points in this chapter a bit strange, or rather I just didn't see their value. For instance, I think it's natural to feel comforted of the idea of someone dying without pain or fear. It almost seemed like he was mocking it with his comments that death was inevitable but we were comforted by the idea of not seeing it coming, and therefore ill prepared. I didn't get that. I'm also not entirely sure that my overworrying is keeping me from seeing real dangers. Well, perhaps it could cloud and diminish the value of real fear. But it's not that I'm worrying to keep from thinking of the real dangers in front of me.

Anyway, I love chapter 4. Such practical advice!

[Maggirayne]

Originally Posted by Fyrestorm

I am waaaayyy more concerned about molestation. Kidnapping has never really concerned me. I've always realized that it's the people closest to you that can do the most harm. It's what happened to me.

Me too. Of course DD is only 20 mos, but I read PTG while pg or early last year, and realized what he was saying about the real kidnapping statistics is true.

My mom was always paranoid while I was traveling whether alone of with friends in college that someone would attack me and kidnap me. I was always like, "Uh, mom, they'd bring me back." (or would have killed me because I was obnoxious) Or they would have ended up seriously hurt. I have no qualms about eye-gouging with my thumbs or twisting some balls off. You don't have to have weapons to protect yourself. Or puking on someone. That I got from a 70s-80s How to protect yourself from rape book my dad gave me.

[Ivan's Mom]

Originally Posted by phathui5

DeBecker says in the chapter that a parent's number one fear is that their child will be kidnapped by a stranger. Have you found this to be the case in your own life? Is that something you worry about?

Thank you for recommending this book. Wonderful, logical book.

I am very fearful of something terrible happening to my children. I am very protective and not trusting of virtually anyone except myself and dh. I am getting better. I never thought I would leave my kids with anyone else, but I have now enrolled Ivan in Gymboree class "Drop-Off" for two sessions now. I had that "gut feeling" of "she is a great person" in regards to his teacher.

I am very concerned with someone taking my children. Even after reading his chapter about such not being likely. I had Ivan in a harness for two years when out in public so that he would be attached to me. He did not want to be in the sling once he learned to walk. I

I am also so very aware of the tremendous number of child molesters in our world. I was molested by the adult neighbor, another family member was molested by the other neighbor who was an older teenage boy. My mother's father was a molester. One episode of sexual contact between a child and an adult RUINS the child's life. Ruins it forever. I will never let my guard down. Ivan is a very open and honest child. He is also very in touch with his feelings and shows emotions easily and full-force. I feel I will be able to read him like an open book for many years to come. Matilda is her own self as well and just a baby. I will make decisions about putting her in "drop-off" situations based on #1 her desire to be dropped-off and #2 my ability to read her and her level of openness.

I am learning so much already from this book.

[Aubergine68]

There was some discussion earlier in this thread about male babysitters I meant to respond to.

I have hired a male sitter for my dd when she was a toddler , a decade ago. It was more a mother's helper thing, as I was working in a home office. It worked out ok. I don't know if I would now, as I live a much more suburban life and don't have the close friendships with men besides my dh that I used to have. Now it is all moms and the men all work outside the home and having an adult male sitter just would seem weird. Though there are a couple of home childcares I know of run on the "daddy daycare" principle by sahds. One is a friend of mine, and he never has open spaces. Families love him.

I've hired male-female sibs to babysit my children on occasion, too. One a set of 12 yr old m/f twins who did everything together, and one a 13 yr old girl who had to bring her 10 yr old brother along on babysitting jobs. In both situations, my dd was there and older (8 plus), so I felt better about leaving my children with younger sitters than I otherwise would have.

I do home childcare (with an agency, references, police and child welfare checks in place, and frequent surprise visits from agency staff). My dh has always worked flexible hours and has helped out with the daycare a lot -- he took several months of parental leave when each of my sons were born, for example.

I am very open when interviewing prospective clients about my husband's role in covering for me when I have dr appnts, etc. If they are not comfortable with that, then my home is probably not the right fit for their family. I do always give a few days warning when I have an appointment and parents have the choice of bringing a child to be cared for by my dh, or finding alternate care for the day. Often parents of the youngest children will keep their children out when I have an appointment the first time or two, then relax a little and bring them as they become more comfortable.

My agency supervisor has done a couple of visits when dh was on his own with the kids, and has raved about his care of them. I think it is very good for all the children, especially our own sons, to see a dad take over the nurturing role every once in a while.

We've had a couple of single moms of sons who chose my daycare BECAUSE there was a male presence in the home and their sons didn't have dad in their lives.

I've also had a mom who didn't want my dh- or any male- to change her dd's diaper or help her with the potty under any circumstances. We always respected and supported that rule, but it made things a little awkward and dh didn't like not feeling trusted in his own home. I don't think we would take on another family with that concern.

My dd is almost of babysitting age and because she is so wonderful with the children in my home and whereever she goes, she has lots of inquiries already about babysitting jobs. I want to hold out for a few years before having her sit outside the home, except maybe for family members.

My sons are getting the same experience, but they are very young yet (4 and 2). It makes me a little sad to know that should they want to babysit when they are older, they will likely have many fewer opportunities than their sister, just because of their gender.

I am already finding myself being far more careful to teach them about respecting privacy, and modesty/touching limits than I was with their sister at the same age. I don't much like them changing into and out of dress-up clothes in the same room with other children or hanging around when I am changing diapers, for example.

Speaking of worry, anyone else worry about protecting their sons from someday being in a position where they might be falsely accused of perpetrating sexual abuse?


I'm ready for ch. 4

[phathui5]

[Dr.Worm]

How did the things you worried about change when you became a parent? How does worry affect your parenting? What stood out to you in this chapter?

I took a lot more risks with myself alone that I cannot picture taking with my child. I remember one time in particular when I was on my way to my job at the mall when I was about 18 or so..in broad daylight...this older man was chatting to me and I was annoyed but I kept being polite instead of telling him to leave me alone. When we got off the trolley he asked me to go with him I said no, I can't and then he started pulling on my arm and saying "I have a car here..." I just said meekly, "sorry, I have to go to work" and luckily he gave up and left. After that, I thought wow, that could've been bad..good thing he listened..but when I picture that scenario with my dd I feel very angry and I can picture the scene."I SAID LEAVE US ALONE!" with physical injury if needed. I am aware that kidnapping is always in the media but that situation proves to me it CAN happen. I spent so many times walking alone at night with headphones on where someone could've grabbed me and that happened right in the middle of the day with people around so I am worried and maybe a bit overprotective but I don't let my daughter roam the streets at 8 and I dont care what the other parents do. I am more worried about molestation though because she is such a sweet and trusting child but I have taught her that noone is allowed to touch her or ask her to touch them and I think she gets it.

DeBecker says in the chapter that a parent's number one fear is that their child will be kidnapped by a stranger. Have you found this to be the case in your own life? Is that something you worry about?

OOps, answered that already...again.

[Maggirayne]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm

DeBecker says in the chapter that a parent's number one fear is that their child will be kidnapped by a stranger. Have you found this to be the case in your own life? Is that something you worry about?

No. But then DD is 21 mos old, and I always keep an eye on her, or we're in a place I don't worry about. She is very friendly and trusting and would probably go with someone depending on her mood.

But when I think of the future, huh, now, I worry more about someone molesting her and very careful, don't leave her with hardly anyone besides family or very good friends.

That is a much more likely possibility than kidnapping.

[~bookcase~]

i think my biggest worry is that my child wouldn't tell me that something had happened. I'm actually working on that atm, and am at the point where I have to accept they will make their own decisions about who they confide in, when and how. i coped; so can they.
and that's not to say i won't spend every part of me in protecting them to my utmost. i will.

when i was training for support work with rape crisis, we had a couple come in who work with 'the other side' to give us an idea why (predominantly) men offend. one thing that stuck with me from their talks is that you can't trust *anyone* 100%, but you can ALWAYS listen to a child and accept their story without question. none of that making excuses for children's strange comments that is so, so, so destructive.

when you meet a survivor, the worst part of healing is where no one listened/ picked up what was happening. no one heard their reality.

i want to be brave enough to always hear my children's reality even if it breaks me inside. may God protect them and us.

[amandaleigh37]

I'm joining late Just read (actually listened to) the whole book...

One thing that I've been thinking about is how other people's perceptions of me have made me doubt myself. For example, DS is 2 1/2 and has never been left with a babysitter. We are even cautious about leaving him with family (and we have our reasons for that specifically). But when people find out he's never been left with someone, you should see the looks I get! Like I am a freak! Yet I am just listening to my instinct, and I am a SAHM so we really have no need for someone else to watch him. But I've found that I'm almost embarassed at times when it comes up, because people think I am overprotective. I think this book really helped reinforce to me that it doesn't matter what society tells me - I need to listen to my instinct above all else.