How to support widowed friend...

[Marcimama]

Long story short my friend was widowed almost a year ago (her dh was my dhs best friend). We live far away, but she is moving to our town and will work were we work. How do we support, include and love her. Please give me ideas of what has been a help to you. Also, how can we help her not feel jelous or long for her dh more by being with our family??? Thanks for helping me be a better friend for her.

[Liquesce]

Originally Posted by Marcimama

Long story short my friend was widowed almost a year ago (her dh was my dhs best friend). We live far away, but she is moving to our town and will work were we work. How do we support, include and love her. Please give me ideas of what has been a help to you. Also, how can we help her not feel jelous or long for her dh more by being with our family??? Thanks for helping me be a better friend for her.

Has she expressed or otherwise shown such feelings? I think it's great that you're trying to be sensitive, but at the same time unless she has shown a particular need for extra care there's a very good chance that the best thing you can do for her is to just treat her normally.

[Ifluffedthree]

Originally Posted by Marcimama

Long story short my friend was widowed almost a year ago (her dh was my dhs best friend). We live far away, but she is moving to our town and will work were we work. How do we support, include and love her. Please give me ideas of what has been a help to you. Also, how can we help her not feel jelous or long for her dh more by being with our family??? Thanks for helping me be a better friend for her.

How do you support? Listen! Make yourself available if she needs someone. Let her know she is invited, even if she declines. Keep asking so she feels included. Feeling welcomed even if she can't physically bring yourself to interact is an important part of not feeling isolated.
There will be times she will feel jealous and will long for her dh in any given setting at any given time. As much as you may like to, you really can't help her from not feeling these things and like it or not she must process through them.
Just keep showing up as her friend, even if she pushes a bit away. It may be uncomfortable for you too, but that is also part of being a friend to a grieving widow.

You are a good friend for thinking so far into it and trying to lay a game plan. 1 year is a really hard place to be.

I don't know how I would have survived without the need for my children to be here and the support of my friends and family to scrape myself off the ground some days.

[Marcimama]

Thanks for the insight. I am not sure what she needs. I plan on having a heart to heart about that once she arrives. I am going to watch her dd for 2 afternoons a week to help her get some time to work. Thanks for reminding me to just keep on loving her and pursuing her. I think that will be the main action I can take. She is a friend, so loving her comes naturally. Thanks again.

[Ifluffedthree]

Good luck!

[gingerstar]

It sounds like you will be a real blessing to her.
I just wanted to add one thing - people sometimes hesitate to mention the loved one, and you should bring that up during your talk with her, but unless she tells you she is sensitive, don't be afraid to talk about her DH.
I think people feel that mentioning their name makes the grieving person feel worse - and she may cry - but truly, it is worse that no one ever talks about them or says their name. So talk about her DH when it feels natural, just as you would when he was alive. It can be painful, yes, but it will help if she knows she is not the only one who is thinking of him.
HTH. And blessings to both of you.

Oh, one more thing - try to remember dates that were important to them - anniversaries, his birthday, other special days. Those can be a challenge, especially the first time she faces them alone, and it helps to know that someone else remembers and cares.

[Ifluffedthree]

seconding what Gingerstar wrote.
it was my third anniversary without my husband, I was sad that this was the year that the notes and emails stopped -- and I felt like others forgot him. My anniversary to Bill was the very most important day and best day in my life - it hurt that others moved forward and forgot.

I totally agree with the content of the above post. Talking and including memories are so important to the healing process, at least for us/me.