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Question- looking back, would you have avoided divorce if you could? - Page 3

post #41 of 72
I never should have married my X. Of course, I have the kids, and don't regret that, etc., but, he is a profoundly disturbed, amoral person who is a pathetic husband and father. He does approximately zero parenting, though he makes inconsistent social calls to see the kids.

Since I'd gone ahead & married him, would I have avoided divorce? No, I should have done it earlier. Remaining married meant accepting emotional and financial abuse. Not acceptable.
post #42 of 72
if I'd seen it coming sooner, or realized what the consequenses of the choices we made about our relationship would be, yes, I would have done everything possible to save my marriage a hell of a lot sooner. As it was, it hit me from out of the blue and it was too late for me to do anything about it.
post #43 of 72
I was in a similar situation 4 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with ds. His dad did NOT want a(nother) baby and begged for abortion for months. I couldn't do it. I'm pro-choice, but it wasn't the choice for me. We spent my pregnancy fighting, him ignoring my phone calls, etc. We ended up getting back together after he was born, a decision I now regret. We never got married, were supposed to get married this summer, but I kicked him out two weeks ago because he was cheating on me (again.) I won't go back to him because I know I'd regret it, as much as he's trying to convince me to.

As I sit here with my 3 year old hanging off me, I can tell you I don't regret my decision to have him for a second. I would have regretted terminating for my ex every day for the rest of my life.
post #44 of 72
I have no regrets.

And I'd divorce in your case as well.

(Have only read the OP.)
post #45 of 72
To be deeply honest, there were many, many times I regretted having my second DD in her first year or two of life. I was in deep depression and struggling so much with my marriage and A-hole husband and I often thought that if I hadn't had her, then none of this would be happening. Now on the other side of depression and 6 months into living on my own, I'm so, so grateful that I have her. She is like a huge light in my life, so, so precious. She's still difficult, aka spirited, and I get exhausted caring for her by myself. But I love her so deeply and she brings me gifts I would have never imagined.

It sounds like your heart knows the decision you want to make. You were on the table and couldn't do it. And I wonder - just throwing this out there - if sometimes it's "easier" to think, "if I just get rid of this baby everything will be o.k. and back to normal." I'm not saying that lightly. I'm uber-pro-choice. I'm saying that from experience and being there myself. But it's false, a fantasy, not reality. And it might come from being in a relationship where you're blamed for everything (just guessing)? And all the decisons are put on you when in reality they belong to both people? It's easy to think, "I could just do this one thing and make everything right again" when someone is saying that you're the one that's doing this, that's messing everything up, and not accepting their own responsibility or actions. Others have pointed out that it's manipulative and abusive. Yes.

Oh - a final point for you. I had LOADS of energy return to me when ex finally moved out. LOADS! It was like a huge weight lifted and it freed up allll this energy to focus on my girls and myself instead of defending myself (and them) from all his emotional manipulations. The same might happen to you. You might have tons of energy to deal with three kiddos.

So, no, I haven't regretted it for a minute. And when I do get into a doubtful place, which happens less and less, I have only to think of this one thing he said to snap me out of it.

I didn't mean to write so much so hopefully some of this helps.
post #46 of 72
How are you doing, OP?
post #47 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by hkitty View Post

Oh - a final point for you. I had LOADS of energy return to me when ex finally moved out. LOADS! It was like a huge weight lifted and it freed up allll this energy to focus on my girls and myself instead of defending myself (and them) from all his emotional manipulations. The same might happen to you. You might have tons of energy to deal with three kiddos.
Yes, yes, yes. Though I'm still exhausted (what f/t student, single mom to two young children isn't?) I remember it was like recovering from a multi-year long bout with the flu when he moved out. Not only did I recover energy, but also INTEREST in exercise, friends, doing fun things with the kids, cooking, and just life! Joie de vivre!
post #48 of 72
I would never go back and change things so that we were still together.
NEVER!
Divorce is the best thing that has happened to me since childbirth!
post #49 of 72
nope. my ex gave up on us so that was the beginning of the end...i never looked back and i have no regrets.
post #50 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabug View Post
Thank you. At this point, I'm not even thinking about making peace with him as a reason to terminate. I don't think our marriage would be the same. But I just worry that I'm not doing what's best for my two kids. We may be headed for divorce one way or the other- does it make sense to go forward with a pregnancy when it will be a struggle already to care for my two kids on my own in this economy, not to mention help them transition through some hard times? I'm trying to take my emotions about the pregnancy out of it, and be realistic about what I can manage as a mother (and I do want to continue to be a good mother whether I am married or single). I'd love to have another baby that would be brought up in the context of a loving marriage and stable family....but being realistic given my current situation, will I be able to provide what this baby needs if I am doing this on my own?
bananabug, how are you? I've been wondering and hoping for an update. I see from your profile that your last post was this one, on Jan 11, and you were last online Feb 7.

Are you okay? How is the pregnancy going? Did you change your mind and terminate? How is the divorce going? Did you change your mind and return to your marriage? If so, how's THAT going? How are the kids?

A lot of us here followed your story and hope you are ok, whatever choices you made.
post #51 of 72
Absolutely not. I would have left sooner!
post #52 of 72
Stbx and I separated once (almost four years ago) and were apart for just over a year.

If I could go back, I'd change it so that we never reconciled in the first place.

Of course, the good thing to come out of all this is my fourteen month old dd (we also have a six year old dd together)...

But no, I'd never ever change the fact we're getting divorced. It's been a long time in coming.
post #53 of 72
I never, ever would have left my former spouse. No way. But in reality the fact that he left was the best thing that happened to our children and to me.


Flash forward three years and I had remarried to a great man who loves the older kids but did not feel the need or desire to have a child of his own. I got pregnant. His reaction was one of running when I told him I could not terminate. I just could not do it. I went so far as to go to the appointment. I just could not do it.


Kip ran all the way to his brother's house in SoCal. Where his brother and sister in law turned his chicken butt around and sent him home. He still was not happy. Before he turned around, I took off my wedding band, handed to him and told him I would never be able to forgive him if he made me do this. That I would never be able to look into his eyes and not remember our child and what he made me to.


The good news, he turned himself around. When I was 4 months pregnant, I had to have surgery to remove a huge dermoid cyst. When I went in, he told me that Jack would be fine, and if he wasn't we could try again. We made it through with flying colors. Our marriage was shaky, but still very much there.

The night we went into the hospital to give birth, my husband told me he was sorry. That he was an absolute ass. We cried, held each other and I forgave him.


The next morning his son was born. When he called to tell his dad.. he started to tear up and dropped to his knees. When I asked his dad what he said... my FIL simply said "I asked him if he understood now how much I loved him?"

Kip has been the best father any child could ask for. He is the reason I did not give up the breastfeeding when Jack failed to thrive. He took time off from work, time to just help... wash diapers, help me pump, make me food.. my job was to feed the baby. He did everything else.

By his father's example, Kip knows that the best gift you can give a child is a loving and happy marriage. His father is an amazing dad and husband and so are his sons.

We have a young man that goes out on the boat with us, he and his girlfriend got pregnant about three years ago. Kip shared this little story with the young man. Last year at their wedding, the young man toasted my husband and told him that without him and his sound support, this day would never have come.
post #54 of 72
I am so glad that I divorced. I wish I had done it sooner. I miss him sometimes, in some ways, and then I remember what he was like most of the time, and how unhappy I was.

The decision your husband is making you make is awful. That is an ultimatum, and an awful one.

It doesn't really matter if he wants to be a father or not. If you have this baby, which it seems like you want, he is a father. He's going to be kicked with a hefty child support payment if he pushes through with this, regardless if he wanted the third baby or not.

Hugs, mama. Sorry he is being so awful.
post #55 of 72
in your situation I wouldn't look back for second. not for one second.

In my situation, dh having a five year affair with another woman while convincing me I was mentally unstable for suspecting him . . . .no, haven't looked back for a second.
post #56 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
in your situation I wouldn't look back for second. not for one second.

In my situation, dh having a five year affair with another woman while convincing me I was mentally unstable for suspecting him . . . .no, haven't looked back for a second.
I never knew that was the situation for you. I'm so sorry mama.

So many (not all, but lots) of these guys manage to gas light us.

Mine cheated four years ago, I took him back after a year - I just found out he was having an emotional soon to be physical affair WITH THE SAME WOMAN.

Good lord. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
post #57 of 72
OMG, if you have an abortion because of your husband you will never forgive him. Thats a terrible position he is putting you in!
post #58 of 72
great question.... well... I have to say I dont have a yes or no answer. Its a bit complicated. Personally I dont believe in divorce, never did, unless its due to cheating. Having said that when my DH left, he had not cheated (at that point) but it was abandonment. I waited 4 months for him to come back (mind you I was pg with #2 at the time) and he stole $3000 from me when he left and left me with over $30000 in debt. (long story). I had no other option to file for divorce to make sure he covered 1/2 the debt he help accumulate. Having said that, He contacted me a month later after I had filed to see if we could "work it out". If he had been the same person I had married I totally would have avoided filing for divorce but after seeing him after 5 months of him being away he was a completely different person. I mean completely, even physically he looked different. the changes were not for the better and after I saw him become a worse person I am glad I filed because there is nothing worth saving after he became this monster. If he were the same man I married I would have fought harder, but thats not the case and I dont have room in my life for trash.
post #59 of 72
Banana Bug,

I'm sorry you are being put into this position by your husband. I agree that you should not have an abortion to save your marriage. Moms know that the relationship between our child and ourselves is much closer than it is to our husband. Husbands are supposed to understand even if the pregancy wasn't planned. And he is responsible as much as you, and to leave you to have to figure this out alone, sucks.

Cling to your baby, and move ahead. If he comes around, he will have some major arse kissing to do to you, to prove his point. I'm also a pro-choice voter, but in this situation, you don't want to have this abortion, and you just shouldn't. I have a close friend who had an abortion for the same reason...her husband wanted it, and she dearly regrets it.

Last of all, if you carry this baby to term (your choice) and you don't feel you can parent another child, there will be many adoptive families you can chose from, to give your child a home. I'm so thankful that my son's birthmother choose to give him life. He's in my home because of it, and I adore him. She does too, but she couldn't give him a proper home at the time, and I could. Now I have her second biological child too. What a blessing for all concerned. Most of all, remember you have options. There are agencies that will help you get on your feet if you choose to keep your baby and raise it.

Sending you my hugs and love. Let us know how you are.
post #60 of 72
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
bananabug, how are you? I've been wondering and hoping for an update. I see from your profile that your last post was this one, on Jan 11, and you were last online Feb 7.

Are you okay? How is the pregnancy going? Did you change your mind and terminate? How is the divorce going? Did you change your mind and return to your marriage? If so, how's THAT going? How are the kids?

A lot of us here followed your story and hope you are ok, whatever choices you made.
Thank you...and thank you everyone else for your kind thoughts and suggestions. It's been a very difficult couple of months. I've decided to update mostly because I hope that if anyone else is ever in a similar position, my experience will help them make a decision. Making a decision was excruciating for me. I felt immobilized because neither decision felt right- continuing the pregnancy or terminating. I went back and forth, right up until the last moment when I decided. I had spent several hours talking with an attorney, crunching numbers, and doing the math about how I would support my kids as a pregnant single mom with a struggling home business in the current economy. It was very bleak.

I had an appointment to terminate that afternoon, but I knew I could cancel right up until the last minute. My mom came to take me (she lives several hours away) and we sat in her car for hours, talking and crying. My parents did not want me to terminate, but they said they would support any decision I made. We drove to the hospital and talked out both scenarios. I had to make the best decision for my two kids- what was right for them. In the end, I had to accept that it would be nearly impossible for me to provide for them with a newborn on the way. I didn't make the decision to save my marriage- I did what I thought was best for my children. I have cried and regretted every day since, but I'm not sure it was the wrong decision for my kids.

But of course it has not saved my marriage. I never really thought it would. I am carrying a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband, and he has been unable to take any responsibility or show any remorse/regret for the position he put me in. He's refused counseling, and has also alienated himself from my family, with whom he had been very close. And to top it off, he has not followed through on getting a vasectomy even though he had given his word on this. He has hurt me emotionally many times over since this all began, and I think there is too much water under the bridge now to save our marriage. I'm just trying to find the strength to move ahead now and support my kids through a difficult process.

So, things are not really any better, but I hope they will be slowly. My family and friends have been wonderful, and I am doing counseling. Thank you again everyone for your kind thoughts during a truly difficult, heart-wrenching time.
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