Originally Posted by Seasons
bananabug, how are you? I've been wondering and hoping for an update. I see from your profile that your last post was this one, on Jan 11, and you were last online Feb 7.
Are you okay? How is the pregnancy going? Did you change your mind and terminate? How is the divorce going? Did you change your mind and return to your marriage? If so, how's THAT going? How are the kids?
A lot of us here followed your story and hope you are ok, whatever choices you made.
Thank you...and thank you everyone else for your kind thoughts and suggestions. It's been a very difficult couple of months. I've decided to update mostly because I hope that if anyone else is ever in a similar position, my experience will help them make a decision. Making a decision was excruciating for me. I felt immobilized because neither decision felt right- continuing the pregnancy or terminating. I went back and forth, right up until the last moment when I decided. I had spent several hours talking with an attorney, crunching numbers, and doing the math about how I would support my kids as a pregnant single mom with a struggling home business in the current economy. It was very bleak.
I had an appointment to terminate that afternoon, but I knew I could cancel right up until the last minute. My mom came to take me (she lives several hours away) and we sat in her car for hours, talking and crying. My parents did not want me to terminate, but they said they would support any decision I made. We drove to the hospital and talked out both scenarios. I had to make the best decision for my two kids- what was right for them. In the end, I had to accept that it would be nearly impossible for me to provide for them with a newborn on the way. I didn't make the decision to save my marriage- I did what I thought was best for my children. I have cried and regretted every day since, but I'm not sure it was the wrong decision for my kids.
But of course it has not saved my marriage. I never really thought it would. I am carrying a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband, and he has been unable to take any responsibility or show any remorse/regret for the position he put me in. He's refused counseling, and has also alienated himself from my family, with whom he had been very close. And to top it off, he has not followed through on getting a vasectomy even though he had given his word on this. He has hurt me emotionally many times over since this all began, and I think there is too much water under the bridge now to save our marriage. I'm just trying to find the strength to move ahead now and support my kids through a difficult process.
So, things are not really any better, but I hope they will be slowly. My family and friends have been wonderful, and I am doing counseling. Thank you again everyone for your kind thoughts during a truly difficult, heart-wrenching time.