Where are my PAL girls?

[lisa_nc]

Much love to you ladies! I thought maybe we could get our own September thread going. I love that there's a PAL forum, but I'd like to know who is in here so we can support each other. Here's to '09 rainbow babies and totally uneventful, boring pregnancies and births!

[citizenfong]

I'm not over in that forum, but I am glad to have a thread for this.

I've definitely had some ambivalent feelings in getting used to the idea of this pregnancy. I am *thrilled* at the idea of having a new baby. But I don't feel like I can rest until the babe is in *arms*. Some people can feel better after 6 weeks or seeing the hb or 12 weeks. I feel like I have to go the whole pregnancy, yk?

But I am feeling a bit more excited now. Dh is getting more used to the idea, too.

[lisa_nc]

I have that feeling too. When we lost our son we were in the second trimester. Everything was supposed to be safe. I felt him moving and then a few hours later I was holding him. I don't feel like I will breathe easy until I am holding our new babe at the breast. My focus is on enjoying every moment I have. If I only have X number of weeks to love this baby, I am going to enjoy everything I get.

[citizenfong]

Yes, exactly!

The other morning we were saying the blessing at breakfast. The boys like to add their prayers some mornings. My 7 y.o. said, "Lord that you for this baby we will *hopefully* have." and my 4 y.o. said, "God. Please let this baby...survive."

I said, "You know what? This baby is alive *right now*. Let us be glad for a live baby in Mommy's belly *right now*.

It's hard to do, but it is what I am trying for.

Is it wrong to say I'm glad you understand? Though I know you know I'm not glad anyone else has this hurt.

[lisa_nc]

Nope, it's not wrong. I have said several times about the girls in the loss forum that I don't want anyone to go through what we have but if we have to, I am so happy to be in such lovely company.

[octobermoon]

what is PAL?

[lisa_nc]

Pregnancy after loss.

[crunchybroccoli]

I'm glad to see this thread as well. And I hope that what I'm posting is appropriate given how early my loss was.

I didn't carry my previous bean very far (approximately 6 weeks) but it was my first cycle trying, first pregnancy, and I was totally unprepared for the emotional toll. This is my first full cycle after the m/c and, even though I really wanted to start trying again immediately for my own sanity, I have to admit that I am having a hard time *staying* excited about the baby. Good test results make me euphoric for a day and then worried the next, especially because right now I have very mild symptoms, so I keep thinking that I don't have any.

Anyway, it is hard and I know that what I went through was unbelievably trying emotionally. I can't imagine what you two have gone through. Thanks for starting this thread and giving me somewhere to post this! And I hope that all of us will have beautiful babies in our arms in 8 months.

[lisa_nc]

You know, I think any loss is painful. It's the loss of your dreams and a portion of your motherhood. It's also the loss of innocence with your next pregnancy. I am sorry you have to be here, but welcome.

[citizenfong]

I agree...a loss is a loss is a loss. In my mind, some losses are harder then others for some reasons and easier then others, for other reasons. And yes, we've all lost our innocence.

It is nice to know we can support each other.

[SMR]

I suppose I'll jump in.. I wasn't really planning on posting in the September DDC.. but since i've got PAL company... here I am!

I was in September 08's DDC too.. very strange to be following the exact same timeline as my pregnancy with Dresden. Same due date even. This babe will likely be born in August (planned early c-section) but I'll at least be lurking here to see where everyone is.

I don't have a 'safe' point in pregnancy.. since I was 39 weeks when Dresden died.. but I will make every effort to enjoy this baby while I have them and keep an optimistic attitude.. I will bring a baby home this time!

[lisa_nc]

Shannon, I thought I might make you come out.

I was hesitant about posting in here too but then I decided that this is a new baby who deserves it's own sense of excitement and wonder. Sooooooooo, we'll see, right?

[citizenfong]

I'm glad you decided to join us, Shannon.

How strange and beautiful to have this baby due the same day.

[joeys_mom]

I am in the same situation. My loss was in Sept at 16w. I'm excited to be here but it also feels so weird. We haven't told our families yet but my Mom is visiting in a few weeks and I will tell her then.

I don't want others to be burdened with worrying about me and the baby, anyone else feeling that way?

[citizenfong]

Originally Posted by joeys_mom

I am in the same situation. My loss was in Sept at 16w. I'm excited to be here but it also feels so weird. We haven't told our families yet but my Mom is visiting in a few weeks and I will tell her then.

I don't want others to be burdened with worrying about me and the baby, anyone else feeling that way?

So very much. I also feel like I disappointed a lot of people (irrational, I know). My mom said the other day that she was excited and I felt sort of embarrassed...maybe exposed?...and almost angry. Pretty much like pressure. Like, don't get excited, what if I disappoint you? Again, totally irrational.

[lisa_nc]

Originally Posted by joeys_mom

I am in the same situation. My loss was in Sept at 16w. I'm excited to be here but it also feels so weird. We haven't told our families yet but my Mom is visiting in a few weeks and I will tell her then.

I don't want others to be burdened with worrying about me and the baby, anyone else feeling that way?

I told my mom because she would be peeved if I didn't and my friends, but that's it really. My in laws don't know and I won't tell them until, gosh, I don't know. 20 weeks is starting to sound good to me. Who knows? They live states and states away so it's not like they'll run into me at the store.

[SMR]

We've told EVERYONE! we always tell immediately, since dh and I suck at secrets.. I don't worry about letting anyone else down though.. I feel pretty selfish in that regard.. since no one can be more let down about my baby dying than Shaun and I - I know our families were crushed as we were at the loss of Dresden.. but I think that NOW everyone we know realizes that pregnancy doesn't always have a happy ending.. there are no 'safe points' or guarantees.. I want everyone to be cautiously optimistic.. I'm trying that too!

[Doulatron]

I miscarried at 8 wks a little less than two years ago. There is a lingering feeling of my pregnancy loss needing some kind of ritual. I asked my former partner many times to do something with me to mark that passing, but though he always agreed, I could never get him to commit to a date. And when, after a little more than a year past the day I miscarried, I finally told him (we were still together at the time) that I was going to go ahead and do something on my own, he got all offended!

Anyhow, we aren't together anymore, so there's nothing stopping me from having a small ceremony on my own. What have you all done to mark the brief visits of your babies? I was thinking I might go down to the beach and... I don't know, maybe just meditate on it.

[lisa_nc]

I have a his urn on our fireplace. I suppose I will do something with his ashes someday but I am not to that place yet because we are very transient due to my husband's job. I did see a website that had babies' names written in the sand on the beach. We live near the beach, so I think I'll do this soon for myself. If anyone else wants their baby's name written, I'd be happy to. Just let me know.

[SMR]

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2...elcome_12.html

The names in the sand website... a beautiul tribute to all of our babies taken too soon.

We have Dresden's picture and his urn in our family room. I also wear a small urn around my neck (as does DH) and find great comfort always having him with me. When Spring rolls around we are also going to plant an apple tree (that produces fruit in early september, when Dresden was born) in our back yard with some of his ashes. We don't really plan on moving, but if we ever did.. that apple tree would probably come with us!