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would you file for support in this situation?

post #1 of 86
Thread Starter 
This pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected, child was conceived WITH protection, and both the father and I had been careful and had prior discussed the fact that we did not want any more kids. Being the super-fertile duo that we are I ended up getting pregnant.
He explicitly wanted me to terminate and expressed to me that he does not, can not and never wanted any more kids, I agreed with him and understood how devastating this was for him (for both of us) but I decided to keep the baby anyway. I felt that it happened for a reason, and believe that every baby is a blessing. He supported my decision but has not been involved in my pregnancy.
I have decided that I am not going to go after him for child support.I think that under the circumstances this is only fair. A few people have said that they think I am wrong for not trying to get money - I am looking for opinions.

Would you file under these circumstance?
post #2 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by veggiemama4 View Post
Would you file under these circumstance?

Yes, I would. You didn't get pregnant all by yourself. He was a willing participant. It's also a well-known fact that birth control isn't 100% effective. It's also a well-known fact that it is the woman's body that gets pregnant, therefore; her choice on continuing or terminating the pregnancy.

If he didn't want anymore kids, he could have gotten a vasectomy. He didn't.

Your baby has a right to be financially and emotionally supported by both parents. Obviously, you can't force the father to step up to the plate for the emotional part, but there are laws that will help you with the financial part.

One other thing to keep in mind, if you choose not to pursue child support, if you ever go on public assistance, the state will go after him.
post #3 of 86
Yes. Number one, the money is not yours to give up; it's your child's.

Number two, if he didn't want to risk having a baby, he shouldn't have put his penis in you. The evangelicals are right on one count -- unless God likes you a whole, whole bunch, abstinence is the only 100% guaranteed form of birth control.
post #4 of 86
Yes.
post #5 of 86
What's been said. That neither of you planned it and that he wanted you to terminate is immaterial. He helped make the baby, it is only fair that he helps to support it.

Should you truly not need the money (and really, with five kids you're not going to need any help?), bank it for your child's future.
post #6 of 86
I can see both sides of your dilemma. A big yeah that to all the other posts, but at the same time...

:

Something to think about, that's for sure. Do you have other kids with him?
post #7 of 86
yes
post #8 of 86
yes
post #9 of 86
I'm in the same situation for the most part and i will not put the dad on the birth certificate or file for support. I've thought long and hard about and decided it is best for now. The dad wants nothing to do with me or the baby, refuses to even speak to me and he got back together with his ex. His ex called and told me to terminate because she refuses to help him raise the baby. I do not want to deal with custody with this man and this woman and so if i don't file support i don't need to deal with custody. He already told my friend that if i file for support he will take joint custody just so he won't have to pay support even though he really wants nothing to do with the baby. Too much drama for me and i already have been through a yucky custody battle. DO whatever feels right. Many people are irked at me for even having this baby, but my body, my life and my decision.
post #10 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers View Post
Yes. Number one, the money is not yours to give up; it's your child's.
I was going to say no, but This statement changed my mind. Your original post made me feel like you were comfortable with the fathers reasons for not wanting to be involved.

Maybe you could put the child support in a savings or college account. Or something that they can't get into until they are older
post #11 of 86
I agree that child support is to go toward the child so it is in many ways not yours to decide on accepting or not accepting....

That said, you have to follow your heart because you (and your child) have to live with the decision. Can you provide for your child and your child's future education without financial help from the father? If so then you have more options, if not then at least ask the father to contribute what would have been for child support into a college fund or saving bonds with annual proof.
post #12 of 86
yes.
post #13 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I'm in the same situation for the most part and i will not put the dad on the birth certificate or file for support. I've thought long and hard about and decided it is best for now. The dad wants nothing to do with me or the baby, refuses to even speak to me and he got back together with his ex. His ex called and told me to terminate because she refuses to help him raise the baby. I do not want to deal with custody with this man and this woman and so if i don't file support i don't need to deal with custody. He already told my friend that if i file for support he will take joint custody just so he won't have to pay support even though he really wants nothing to do with the baby. Too much drama for me and i already have been through a yucky custody battle. DO whatever feels right. Many people are irked at me for even having this baby, but my body, my life and my decision.
What you have to realize is that child support and visitation are related only barely, if at all. In Texas, by law, the two have nothing to do with one another. There is NOTHING preventing the father of your child from one day deciding to file for joint custody even without you asking for child support.

I understand your reasoning, and of course you must do what you feel best. But please don't make the decision to not ask for support because you think it will stop him from going for custody if he decides to be a total a*****e about it. Because it won't.
post #14 of 86
No. If I chose to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent, I would take full responsibiity myself.
post #15 of 86
Unless there's a reason to NOT put his name on the birth certificate, then you may aswell file for financial support from him if you are naming him as the father. Your child has a right to that money/support.

jmo- if you are going to get financial support from him, be aware there is more chance he will change his mind at some point down the line and want to know his son/daughter -have some contact. Do you want that? Just something to think about.

Like Avani said, if you don't want him involved at all -with good reasons, then it's probably best to not bother. It's not just what is convenient for you though, it should be what is in the best interest of the child.
post #16 of 86
Yes, I would.
post #17 of 86
if you are asking what I ME would do - i go with my gut, and i always take the ''hard' path. so i would not file for support. but that's just me. most of the time i am v. v. torn. because i know i am going against what's obvious, what is the 'right' thing to do... but for me i AM doing the right thing.

it depends on how you feel. sometimes in my heart i am a 100% sure even though whatever others say. other times if i am not sure then i would listen everyone's viewpoint and then check and see how i feel.

in my life i have found that initially life has been hard because i have chosen the hard way, but ultimately it all worked out and even without i still was able to have that quality of life i thougth i wouldnt.

ultimately it is YOUR decision. because it involves your sense of fairness.

on paper of course you should file. but in your world that might not apply.
post #18 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
if you are asking what I ME would do - i go with my gut, and i always take the ''hard' path. so i would not file for support. but that's just me. most of the time i am v. v. torn. because i know i am going against what's obvious, what is the 'right' thing to do... but for me i AM doing the right thing.

it depends on how you feel. sometimes in my heart i am a 100% sure even though whatever others say. other times if i am not sure then i would listen everyone's viewpoint and then check and see how i feel.

in my life i have found that initially life has been hard because i have chosen the hard way, but ultimately it all worked out and even without i still was able to have that quality of life i thougth i wouldnt.

ultimately it is YOUR decision. because it involves your sense of fairness.

on paper of course you should file. but in your world that might not apply.
post #19 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
No. If I chose to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent, I would take full responsibiity myself.
In total agreement.

Whenever I get into a difficult situation, I always try to imagine myself in the other person's shoes. What would I do? In this case, if I were the father, I'd be really upset and disappointed if the pregnancy continued AND the mother filed for child support even though I specifically did not want the child.
post #20 of 86
Yes.

The child's rights trump the father's desire to not be responsible.

ETA: I'm sure there are a few circumstances in which I would say forget the $ - if father is so seriously dangerous to the child and/or mother that any contact at all - even via legal channels - would be risky, if the father is truly & totally destitute, things like that. Just b/c he wishes you weren't pregnant? No.
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