or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › would you file for support in this situation?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

would you file for support in this situation? - Page 2

post #21 of 86
Originally Posted by misswerewolf View Post
In total agreement.

Whenever I get into a difficult situation, I always try to imagine myself in the other person's shoes. What would I do? In this case, if I were the father, I'd be really upset and disappointed if the pregnancy continued AND the mother filed for child support even though I specifically did not want the child.
Well, if you specifically don't want to risk having a child, you should specifically not have sex.
post #22 of 86
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the opinions so far.. I guess I am feeling lost right now and it does help to see other people's perspectives.
post #23 of 86
i would not. your partner did not want the child so it was your decision to keep the child hence you need to take the responsibility for your child.

when i split from my ex husband i did not ask for support. all i asked if he paid half of her preschool tuition and eventually after care expenses. i buy her clothes, pay for health care, etc. why? cuz i dont want anything to do with him plus he wouldn't pay and it would just be an extra source of stress.
post #24 of 86
Originally Posted by eccomama View Post
i would not. your partner did not want the child so it was your decision to keep the child hence you need to take the responsibility for your child.
The father needs to take responsibility for his child, too. She didn't get pregnant by herself. If he didn't want a child, then he should have either gotten a vasectomy or not had sex.

Originally Posted by eccomama View Post
when i split from my ex husband i did not ask for support. all i asked if he paid half of her preschool tuition and eventually after care expenses. i buy her clothes, pay for health care, etc. why? cuz i dont want anything to do with him plus he wouldn't pay and it would just be an extra source of stress.
When you have kids with someone, it is kind of hard not to have anything to do with them.

If you want to give up the financial support that the father of the child is responsible for, that is up to you (as long as you don't get public assistance, that is). You are robbing your child of that money, but that is your choice. And one that you AND your child have to live with. Especially if you are struggling financially.
post #25 of 86
Originally Posted by eccomama View Post
i would not. your partner did not want the child so it was your decision to keep the child hence you need to take the responsibility for your child.
I agree with Goodmom on this. If her partner didn't want a child, he had some options. Snip snip, or don't have sex. If he was too lazy to do this, or didn't have the self-control, this is not her fault, and it's wrong of him to have sex with a woman and then tell her to have an abortion.

Sperm is kind of a never-backsies situation, I'm afraid.
post #26 of 86
Yes. If he truly did not want more kids (or the responsibility for more kids) he should not have been having sex. or gotten snipped (of course that is not 100%). sex = kids. period. (as this instance proves. all the birth control in the world sometimes is not enough) and kids = taking responsibility for them in some way. period. He does not get to choose if he takes responsibility for this. If he kills someone he will have to take responsibility for his actions. regardless of if it is an accident or intentional. it will not be his choice. Same goes for starting a life. He has to be responsible for his actions be they intentional or accidental. Maybe next time he will take the huge responsibility of sex a little more seriously if he truly desires not to have that responsibility.
post #27 of 86
Yes I would.

I see your point, but I think I disagree with you because your view comes across as it would be your money and you're willing to live with the bad consequences, when in reality it's the child's money and not yours to give away.

It's too bad many men threaten to "take" joint custody if a woman files for support, because it's just blackmail and in most cases the men who are already out of the picture custody-wise will stay out of it no matter what happens with the child support. Still, being blackmailed, or fearing such blackmail can be a scary thing, I realize.
post #28 of 86
Originally Posted by eccomama View Post
when i split from my ex husband i did not ask for support. all i asked if he paid half of her preschool tuition and eventually after care expenses. i buy her clothes, pay for health care, etc. why? cuz i dont want anything to do with him plus he wouldn't pay and it would just be an extra source of stress.
If a guy doesn't pay, then all you're doing is putting money in the bank for the kid. Odds are that over the span of a couple of decades he's going to accumulate something, even if it's just a motorcycle. There are statutes of limits on child support that allow you to go after him for the money long after it's due.

Stress, well... what's not stressful, in raising kids? But someday that kid may need something, or want to go to college, and as many people here know, it's a whole lot better to have the money in hand than to have the debt around your neck for years afterwards. You don't have to go after the money every day, but it's good to have the order so the option's there.
post #29 of 86
I want to say what pps have said, but perhaps somewhat less harshly, because I think it sounds like (you both) was responsible as far as having protected sex which, in reality, works most of the time. But it *didn't* work, so it doesn't matter how responsible the two of you were about using protection...this is the situation now. It may sound unfair from a male perspective that they don't have a say in whether or not a woman terminates her pregnancy but of course it IS fair. And the right thing to do, what an honorable man would do, is to pay child support. Sometimes in life, things happen that we didn't want or anticipate. You didn't trick this man, you didn't get pregnant to ruin his life. A new life is coming, and what he should do, what he *would* do if were good and honorable, is to suck it up and do the right thing, which is to support this child that is his.

You have every right to pursue child support and indeed, I think you owe it to your child to do so!
post #30 of 86
Originally Posted by choli View Post
No. If I chose to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent, I would take full responsibiity myself.
Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers View Post
Sperm is kind of a never-backsies situation, I'm afraid.
I agree! You both made this bed, and should have to live with the results. HOW you decide, thats up to you! (but we'll give you some people to bounce ideas off! )

I cannot stand the idea that "women get pregnant" men would have gone extint years ago if we could do that ourselves.
post #31 of 86
Hmm I can see both sides to this, but I feel similarly to your thoughts that you may not want to pursue it. Do you have a right to pursue it? Yes, absolutely. And perhaps by not pursuing it some would say you are "letting him off the hook." But I am in a similar situation, in that we used contraception and he has made clear from the get-go he wants nothing to do with a child. The way I see it (for us at least) is that because I have the choice of whether or not to raise this child and he does not (which, again, is only fair and how it should be given that the pregnancy resides in my uterus), I need to make that choice taking into account my abilities and desires as well as his, and my decision to raise my child should not count on his physical, emotional, or financial involvement- because he has stated he does not want that involvement. Not that that is always the case, but to me, two factors come into play- one, financial stability. I don't believe a child is arbitrarily "entitled" to x amount of support or "support from two parents." It's more complex than that. I believe a child is entitled to have their needs met, and have a stable home. If one parent cannot meet those needs then absolutely the child is entitled to have those needs met through support (in my case, I am not ruling it out forever, but at this point in time would consider not filing- things could certainly change and my child's needs come first). And two, other types of support come into play. Many men, as someone stated, sadly enough will threaten to fight for joint custody of a child they want nothing to do with in order to intimidate the mom and get out of support. Some men will use support as an excuse to come around and make things difficult for mother and child. I am perfectly fine with any single father choosing involvement with their child in a positive manner (and wish that were the case more often), but to have it linked to child support payments or carried out in a way that adds stress to the child's life- well, sometimes it seems a bit of a trade-off, and only you know how to best balance your child's best interests. Money is not the only factor. I suppose in my case, a third factor is that the father is not stable in his income/employment and has a drinking problem. I am not sure that he would be able to contribute support, and knowing the courts would pursue this and he could accrue back debt, jail time, etc.- some might say I am protecting him but I just don't see how that helps anyone, and would rather not start that battle if I don't have to. I believe if he were a responsible mature human being he could CHOOSE to step up and deal with his issues and offer to support his child, at least financially, perhaps even through emotional and physical parenting if he had that desire, but he's not there and I cannot make this happen- I just have to relinquish any notion that I can control this, and would rather have a clean break and be allowed to parent my child and allow him to deal with his issues And again, I'd see it differently (and will in fact reconsider) if and when I struggle to meet my child's needs, but for now.. yeah extra money is always nice, but really a child doesn't know the difference beyond a certain point- they know that their needs are met and that they have a loving parent or parents and stable home, beyond that I really do not believe kids need the newest and most expensive toys and camps and activities to be happy, yk? Yes, if it came free it would be nice, but it's not a necessity for my child's well being, and not worth it with the strings..

I don't know how similar our situations are, but it's worth thinking about. That's my two cents, and perhaps why I see it a bit differently from some of the PPs. And do know that even if you don't file now, the option is still open should circumstances change (depends on state law perhaps but I believe this is often the case).
post #32 of 86
I have an aunt who is a dental hygenist. She makes really decent money, will own her own home outright in six years, has some retirement saved ect. Nineteen years ago she was casually dating a handsome young fireman. Her mom (grandma) was Dx's with "non A non B hep" and she moved 600 miles to help take care of grandma, who died three years later. After the move, she was "late" At the ripe "old" age of 39, she decided to keep the baby and raise him herself.

It has been hard, she is an educated woman, she has finanical support in terms of guidence from her sister (mom) and adult male support in her other sister's husband. She lives just blocks away from my aunt and uncle. My husband "gets" my cousin and has also been there for her in the last five years. She has TONS of family support, if not in money.

Being a hygenist, she has to purchase her own health insurance. She spends about 900 a month on insurance for her and her son.
It starts with the fact that my cousin had (has) a seizure disorder. Ten years ago, she ended up with breast cancer. That 900 bucks a month only buys her catostophic insurance for herself and her son, with a 5K deductable.

The "father" who has only met his son a couple of times, knew about my cousin since birth, he has helped with NOTHING, not even putting him on his insurance, which would have saved them so much money and not cost him a thing. (being a firefighter in Seattle and all)

My aunt has done fairly well, but it has been really hard for her. She had four years at the U of O saved up for my cousin, but the recent stock market crash took half of it.

So now she is almost 60. She has a nearly 18 year old son, she can not afford to send him to school without loans, her car is over 20 years old, her home needs work that she can not afford to do, and her life savings is no longer enough to support her if she could no longer work.

She cried on the phone to me the other night...... My mom was upset with her because she is living month to month, and sometimes does not have the money to add to her retirement, her son's college, ect. My mom, (the queen of a 80K checking account...not investments...daily household checking) does not understand why my aunt does not have the money to go with her to the moutain this weekend.

What I am saying, my aunt and cousin would have been so much better off if she had asked for insurance support at least. My cousin... if he "father" had been forced to even add 100 bucks a month to a college account for him.. would not be worried about school next year. My Aunt... she might have had to share my cousin more... but I think it might have been a blessing. It has taken a toll on her adult relationships (ie sex life) and her mental state to be a "single by choice" mom.

My cousin is a great kid, if a little "soft" about goals and the like. His mom changed her life to have him. I do not think she regrets it, but I do think she morns for her former self. She fits in very well with my group of friends... and I am now 39.

So please think about the future.
post #33 of 86
I would, because I think that once a child (wanted or not) is conceived (intentionally or not), he/she is there and you can't un-do it. So I think your ex should man up and support his child.

But that's just coming from my point of view; I don't think terminating a healthy child of a healthy mother is an "option" that will somehow erase the pregnancy, and thus child support responsibilities. Not trying to turn this into an abortion debate, which is against the UA, but it does factor into my opinion. If he wasn't willing to deal with the consequences of birth control failing, he shouldn't have had sex with you.
post #34 of 86
That's a tough one and I'm deciding the same thing myself right now, except ds is 3. If you can financially support the baby without his help than I probably wouldn't file. BUT I'm of the opinion that a man's choice about whether to have a baby or not ends when he decides to have sex.
post #35 of 86
Originally Posted by Mom2Damon View Post
I'm of the opinion that a man's choice about whether to have a baby or not ends when he decides to have sex.
This is what I was trying to get across as well. You said it much better than I did!
post #36 of 86
Yes you should most certainly file for support. At least put that money away for your child. Do you know how much college is gonna cost when he/she's 18??!!
post #37 of 86
Boobybunny, that should go into some kind of posting hall of fame.

One thought for your aunt: Tell her to stop worrying about her son. She's now done saving for him and putting him through school. Sucks, but he will now have to do the rest on his own, and maybe for him that's not such a bad thing, if he's "soft" on goals. Meanwhile, she needs to focus on restoring her retirement. She's still got a long way to go and will need more the older she gets.

Beyond that -- What boobybunny's talking about is exactly why none of us can afford to skip child support, unless we have big plans for poverty in old age and a mountain of debt for our kids. Don't shrug and say "he has no money" -- well, he has no money now, but if he has money anytime in the next 30-40 years, it'll be recoverable, and you will never know when you'll need that money.

Most of you here are a bunch younger than me. When I was in my early 20s, I gave very little thought to things like retirement or the needs of old age -- it was forever away, my own parents were still in their prime, and I just figured with a toss of the old shoulder there that if I was poor, so what, I'd work forever. School debt, who cared. Everything would be as it always was, or at least the way it had been for the last five years.

Well, they don't call middle age "the hill" for nothing. Not just because bits of you start falling off as you roll downhill, but because from here you can see the beginning and the end, and you know it'll be a much faster trip down than it was up. My grandma is 87 and failing; my parents are in their mid-60s and starting to grow old. I see what it is now to live a long time old and sick, how expensive it is just to get by, how much more difficult decision-making gets as you age and your mind isn't as sharp as it was. (I've already, to my enormous dismay, had a taste of that. Lost someone's name entirely. I'd been good friends with the guy and his wife 17 years, wanted to introduce them to other friends, and found his name was gone. Not tip of the tongue, just gone. It didn't come back till the next day.)

Sooner than I want, I'll be 60 too. I'm healthy now; what will be then? I don't know. I know that others around me will likely be moving faster and tuned to a different time, and that if I want to work, I'll be competing with them. People in my family tended to live to mid-80s even with terrible diets, smoking, and no exercise; maybe I'll make it to 90, 100. Will there be Social Security, well, I wouldn't count on it.

My mother just recently retired and now has a new fulltime job: taking care of my grandma, who lives an hour away. Physically, you can see my mom is exhausted, and she thought she'd get some rest. But a few weeks after her last day at work, my grandma basically fell apart and got very old. So now....When my other grandma started doing poorly, my dad was still working 80 hours a week and living 1000 miles away. Fortunately, there was money, so he was able to hire round-the-clock care for her. But it was still a tremendous amount of work for him. He called her every day, talked to the nurses daily, and flew to visit a couple of times a month. That went on, I think, for a couple of years. Before that he'd gotten a sudden heads-up that my grandpa was going in for heart surgery, flew to be there, and stayed to turn off the life support, as my grandpa had asked.

It's a lot of work, being old and taking care of old people. And it's expensive, and difficult, because old people are willful and legally able and hard to manage in ways children aren't, and because there's no optimism about seeing them bloom and grow. The last thing you want, as a parent, is to ruin your kid financially and damage her career and family while you're laying the rest of that on her.

So I don't want my daughter spending her own middle age taking care of me and supporting me. This is why, frankly, I am a big advocate of saving c/s money that you don't need today as a form of retirement pay. Put that stuff away for yourself in some nice safe form. You're working for it and you're going to need it, and in the end a well-cushioned retirement helps you, your kids, and your grandkids. Motherhood kneecaps retirement savings under the best of circumstances, and financially, single parenthood is one of the worst. So yes. Take the money, and go after the money aggressively, even if you don't need it today and want to feel independent.

You already are independent, after all. You're raising those kids more or less on your own. I don't know how much more demonstration anyone needs than that.
post #38 of 86
I think my aunt is a fine example of even the best cases can go "wrong."

Here is what I know about child support.

It really really helps.

My husband and I have two children from my former marriage, plus one more. The 1200 a month my former spouse pays allows us to save for OUR retirement while the kids have a stay at home mom. The double insurance between means that when the two older kids get sick,injured... I do not worry. It means the kids have college money saved up. It means they live in a nice home, it means they eat quality food. It means that they get to play sports, have tutors when needed, and take vacations.

It means that I will not be in that generation of women who were single moms.... and are living off of nothing in their old age. It means that the kids are not "system" kids.

If their father did not pay support, (and our oldest was a unplanned, oh crap, what do we do now baby) I would be struggling. I would most likely still be a single mom, waiting tables and using the system to survive.
post #39 of 86
boobybunny - in which state does your aunt live?
post #40 of 86
We all live in Oregon.. within six miles of each other.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › would you file for support in this situation?