Hi mamas.. hope everyone's doing well. I just need to get my story out, it's been a rough couple of weeks since I had my baby.
Our little girl was born December 30th by c-section. I labored for 27 awful hours, with back labor the entire time that didn't really go away between contractions. My water broke at home at 5:30 PM on the 29th. When I got to the hospital, around 8:30 that night, there was meconium in the amniotic fluid that was coming out. I had to be on a monitor the whole time I was there. I stopped progressing mid-day on the 30th, I was about 9 cm on one side and 7 cm on the other. It turned out later that her head was in a weird position but I'm sure it also didn't help that I had gotten almost no sleep since my water broke the day before and I couldn't keep down food or water. I wasn't nauseous, my body was just not accepting food.
I was told that I'd have to be started on "a little bit" of pitocin to see if we could help my contractions along; if that failed, it would have to be a c-section. They started the pitocin at 4. I asked for stadol so that I could get some rest and hopefully have energy to push but after 20 minutes, the contractions from the pitocin woke me up. They increased the pitocin even though I was begging for a break and I ended up screaming in agony and begging for the section. I didn't make any progress on the pitocin so it's not like I really had a choice anyway. My baby was born at 9:02; she weighed 9 lb 10 3/4 oz and scored 9s on her Apgars. She's a beautiful, healthy redhead.
I love her so much it hurts, but I am having such a difficult time with her. DH and I absolutely do NOT want another one after her. She refused to breastfeed despite the best efforts of everyone at the hospital after the surgery; they were so helpful and supportive, giving her formula or glucose water while I was recovering wasn't even mentioned. She's got a strong suck and doesn't have a problem latching on, she just gets really angry and starts screaming when she realizes that she has to work for her meal. After a few sleepless nights with a screaming, hungry baby we gave up and she's doing formula and breastmilk from bottles. I'm trying to keep pumping for her but I'm not producing much. She's very demanding, by the time I finally get her quieted down and sleeping I'm so exhausted I have to sleep too so I'm not eating well at all.
We're having good days and bad days. Right now I think she's got a bit of a cold, she's really mucousy and I can hear it in her throat when she's on her back. She's been sleeping on her stomach on my chest, which is fine since it keeps her quiet but it makes it difficult for me to get any sleep. I've gotten maybe 9 hours in the last two days. I screamed back at her this morning when she started screaming, I spent the next couple hours crying and feeling like a terrible mother. I didn't realize that this would be so hard. DH is back to work. He's been trying to help with the baby but he gets really frustrated when she cries; he probably held her for a total of one hour this entire weekend. It's really hard for me to watch him with her, instead of trying to figure out how to calm her down, he just gets frustrated faster every time. It's kind of a relief to have him out during the days so I don't have to worry if she cries for a few minutes while I heat up a bottle for her.
I really hope it gets easier eventually.. I go back and forth between sad and angry about the birth and being unable to breastfeed, I thought this whole baby experience would be empowering and happy, instead I just feel inadequate and powerless.
Our little girl was born December 30th by c-section. I labored for 27 awful hours, with back labor the entire time that didn't really go away between contractions. My water broke at home at 5:30 PM on the 29th. When I got to the hospital, around 8:30 that night, there was meconium in the amniotic fluid that was coming out. I had to be on a monitor the whole time I was there. I stopped progressing mid-day on the 30th, I was about 9 cm on one side and 7 cm on the other. It turned out later that her head was in a weird position but I'm sure it also didn't help that I had gotten almost no sleep since my water broke the day before and I couldn't keep down food or water. I wasn't nauseous, my body was just not accepting food.
I was told that I'd have to be started on "a little bit" of pitocin to see if we could help my contractions along; if that failed, it would have to be a c-section. They started the pitocin at 4. I asked for stadol so that I could get some rest and hopefully have energy to push but after 20 minutes, the contractions from the pitocin woke me up. They increased the pitocin even though I was begging for a break and I ended up screaming in agony and begging for the section. I didn't make any progress on the pitocin so it's not like I really had a choice anyway. My baby was born at 9:02; she weighed 9 lb 10 3/4 oz and scored 9s on her Apgars. She's a beautiful, healthy redhead.
I love her so much it hurts, but I am having such a difficult time with her. DH and I absolutely do NOT want another one after her. She refused to breastfeed despite the best efforts of everyone at the hospital after the surgery; they were so helpful and supportive, giving her formula or glucose water while I was recovering wasn't even mentioned. She's got a strong suck and doesn't have a problem latching on, she just gets really angry and starts screaming when she realizes that she has to work for her meal. After a few sleepless nights with a screaming, hungry baby we gave up and she's doing formula and breastmilk from bottles. I'm trying to keep pumping for her but I'm not producing much. She's very demanding, by the time I finally get her quieted down and sleeping I'm so exhausted I have to sleep too so I'm not eating well at all.
We're having good days and bad days. Right now I think she's got a bit of a cold, she's really mucousy and I can hear it in her throat when she's on her back. She's been sleeping on her stomach on my chest, which is fine since it keeps her quiet but it makes it difficult for me to get any sleep. I've gotten maybe 9 hours in the last two days. I screamed back at her this morning when she started screaming, I spent the next couple hours crying and feeling like a terrible mother. I didn't realize that this would be so hard. DH is back to work. He's been trying to help with the baby but he gets really frustrated when she cries; he probably held her for a total of one hour this entire weekend. It's really hard for me to watch him with her, instead of trying to figure out how to calm her down, he just gets frustrated faster every time. It's kind of a relief to have him out during the days so I don't have to worry if she cries for a few minutes while I heat up a bottle for her.
I really hope it gets easier eventually.. I go back and forth between sad and angry about the birth and being unable to breastfeed, I thought this whole baby experience would be empowering and happy, instead I just feel inadequate and powerless.
but dp and I were so scared of having more babes b/c of him...but none of the other ones have been that high needs aka "nuts" 
In fact they all got much easier...and I think that comes w/ us knowing what to expect tho.
