18 year old consistently lying. . .

[oliversmoms]

We have an 18 year old my dp and I have had custody for 3 years (actually she is dp, sister) and she lies and lies and lies and lies. It has gotten a little better over the few years that she has lived with us, but I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to ask her a question because I know that the truth is somwhere in opposite land. I'm obviously frustrated and I feel like I've made very little difference in her life when it comes to the importance of the truth all the time, even with little things. So I guess my question for all of is you, what do you do when a young adult lies to you, we've somehow settled on well she's moving out and going to college next fall and there is not a whole lot we can do now. . . so just let it go. She is who she is. However I am extremely frustrated and honestly really bad at giving up.

[Cherie2]

have you gone to any counseling with her? it sounds like it might be a pathological problem, has she been diagnosed with anything?

[THANKFULFORFIVE]

What kinds of things does she lie about? Where she is?, What she's doing?, Who she's with? Or is it silly things like...did she leave the milk out? I think at this age the lying usually has more to do with teens exercising the independence and feeling like they are too old to "answer to" adults. It's difficult to transition the child relationship into a mutually respectful adult relationship ... especially if she still relys on you for support and if she is making poor choices. We raised a teenage foster daughter from age 16-23 and she usually lied to us because she was afraid of being "judged" in her decision making. When things turned out bad for her, she regretted not being honest with us and had to suffer the consequences of her own behavior. Sometimes it was very hard to sit back and watch her make the mistakes, but that is how we all learn... I was always big on the "I told you so" with my oldest son. He eventually learned that mom DID actually know what she was talking about most of the time! Honestly, I thought those older teen years were the HARDEST! Somehow, they eventually grow up and become productive young adults and you MIGHT even get a "thank-you" for NOT giving up on me completely, mom!
Good luck!

[oliversmoms]

lying . . .

Well when she first came to us she lied about weird things like food, (a whole different crazy issue) and homework. Now it's more about the time she gets off work, she'll tell us that she gets off @ midnight when she actually gets off at 10PM.
However she doesn't have a curfew and we've told her over and over she can stay out as late as she wants as long as she lets us know where she is going/ who she'll be with. Mostly her lies are small, but to me important because if she is lying about the little stuff, what else am I missing.

[fhqwhgads]

That sounds a lot more like a problem related to emotional issues or a pathological issue - it doesn't sound like she's lying to get out of trouble, but either she can't help herself (pathological) and often believes what she's saying, or she is meeting some kind of emotional need through it. Since she's not your child and you have custody of her, and her biological parents don't, I'm going to assume she went through some tough issues during a critical time in her development, issues that she hasn't worked through yet. I'd suggest to her that, because she's 18 and going to go off into the wide world on her own shortly, you want her to have the best start possible, and perhaps seeing a professional would give her some degree of emotional stability to start her adult life off on the right foot (I wouldn't bring up the fact that it's about the lying..just that you know she's had some tough times that can make a person feel unstable).

Meet it with a concern for where it's coming from rather than frustration at her lack of honesty, and she may be more responsive to seeking help for it.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by fhqwhgads

Meet it with a concern for where it's coming from rather than frustration at her lack of honesty, and she may be more responsive to seeking help for it.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. And to take it even further I will share some advice I got recently .. to come from a place of gratitude

[oliversmoms]

We've done the counselor thing to work through the issues that were the reason for her coming to us but she stopped going when she started to get too busy with school/work and friends. I really think that it is definitely pathological,
and that she really can't help herself.

It's just hard to not be frustrated and hurt at times, but we will continue to work through this gently and lovingly.

[journeymom]

We've done the counselor thing to work through the issues that were the reason for her coming to us but she stopped going when she started to get too busy with school/work and friends. I really think that it is definitely pathological,
and that she really can't help herself.

It's just hard to not be frustrated and hurt at times, but we will continue to work through this gently and lovingly.

Good for you, you're doing the right thing, even though it must be emotionally tiring.

I was a chronic liar. I'm not sure why, but I also had a very poor opinion of myself, even though it wasn't evident to others. My sister and I talked about it as adults and she was surprised to learn how bad I felt about myself most of the time. I grew out of the impulse to lie, mostly.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by fhqwhgads

That sounds a lot more like a problem related to emotional issues or a pathological issue - it doesn't sound like she's lying to get out of trouble, but either she can't help herself (pathological) and often believes what she's saying, or she is meeting some kind of emotional need through it. Since she's not your child and you have custody of her, and her biological parents don't, I'm going to assume she went through some tough issues during a critical time in her development, issues that she hasn't worked through yet. I'd suggest to her that, because she's 18 and going to go off into the wide world on her own shortly, you want her to have the best start possible, and perhaps seeing a professional would give her some degree of emotional stability to start her adult life off on the right foot (I wouldn't bring up the fact that it's about the lying..just that you know she's had some tough times that can make a person feel unstable).

Meet it with a concern for where it's coming from rather than frustration at her lack of honesty, and she may be more responsive to seeking help for it.

She sounds like my 18yoDD. I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this, I know how frustrating it can be and I don't have any advice or answers. The only thing you can do is teach and let go. The rest is up to her, especially at this age.

I'm so sorry.

[CarrieMF]

I've read this thread a few times & my take is a little different.

Now it's more about the time she gets off work, she'll tell us that she gets off @ midnight when she actually gets off at 10PM.
However she doesn't have a curfew and we've told her over and over she can stay out as late as she wants as long as she lets us know where she is going/ who she'll be with.

Perhaps at 18 she feels she shouldn't have to tell you where she's going or who she is going to be with so she's telling you she's off later than she actually is so she feels more in control of her life.

Like you said she's a young adult, even if she's in high school still she's still a young adult and should be trusted to be responsible for herself. If she has a cel you can get in touch with her.

The other little lies could also be a control issue or things she doesn't feel you need to know. She may or may not be hiding bigger issues.