Share how you keep the Attachment Parenting vibe with your older kids

[earthmama4]

Having a newborn has made me revisit all the AP stuff that had long since been filed away in my brain with my older three (BF, baby wearing, co-sleeping, etc) and I realized that its hard to recognize the ways in which I practice Attachment Parenting with them now. I confess I have a hard time feeling that lovey-dovey feeling with them sometimes that I had toward them when they were younger. I love them dearly, but it feels different if that makes sense.

I'd love to hear about the ways that you have found to practice AP in older kids and keep that loving connection alive. Share examples of what that looks like in your home!

Also any resources you may know of to support AP the older child. All my AP books are oriented to infancy and early childhood.

I have thought of a few of my own:

Family Sleepovers (we all sleep together in the living room after watching a favorite video together)

Eating together for meals - TV off

Tucking them in at night with hugs and kisses (even the tweenagers!)

Taking their fears and concerns seriously and helping to address them.

Talking about their day when they get home from school and being present in that moment with them, not distracted.

What about you?

[MusicianDad]

1. We still try to do things together, either as a family or one on one with her. One thing that is apperently unique, we all have a couple of authors the whole family loves. Take for instance Tamora Pierce, she has a new book coming out in April, no doubt in stead of fighting over who gets to read it first we'll all read it together. You should have seen up when the last Harry Potter book came out. We all sat around all Saturday reading to each other.

2. She's mature enough now, that we include her in many of our discussions and descisions about the household.

3. We give her space. Try not to push anything and respect the boundaries she sets up. In return she seems to have faith that if she decides one time to, say let me put her clothes away for her, I won't take that as the new norm. She told us once that it makes her feel more comfortable sharing things because she knows we will respect her choices/questions.

4. Listen. Even if it's just the after school monologue about the people at school (seriously, I'm the one that hears it most often and I'm sure I know more about whats going on at that school then the staff.)

Other then that, just basic AP works. Give her what she needs, talk to her about why she can't do something etc...

DD doesn't want to be tucked in anymore, but she does want to cuddle on the couch sometimes before bed.

[nd_deadhead]

My twin boys are 14, and I love long car trips. We put a limit on the amount of time they can spend with books and video games, and we just talk. They are a captive audience, and we can come up with some pretty interesting topics! This is especially fun when their friends are included.

I think listening to their opinions - and respecting them, even if you disagree - is a big one. Trust them to make appropriate decisions, and give them the opportunities to do so.

As someone else said, do fun stuff together. Our family skis together; in October we went to a ZZ Top concert. After the third song one of the boys leaned over to me and said "Thank you, Mom!" We also go hunting together, with my brother and my Mom, who has been hunting since she was a kid. The boys love being part of a family tradition that goes back 4 generations, and like to hear stories from "the olden days".

Eating meals together is also huge. Not only do we have time for interesting discussion, our kids have learned the art of dinner conversation. Last summer they were staying with my Mom for a long weekend, and my Mom invited two of her friends for supper. My sons sat at the table for an hour after the meal was finished, chatting with three 70-yr-old women.

[skreader]

My kids are 12 (dd) and 10 (ds) & what we do is pretty similar to the other posters.

We still have early morning snuggles with them (usually separately - me and dd; ds and dh). DD also still likes me to tuck her in some nights.

I brush and braid my dd's hair almost every night. Now she sometimes does some grooming stuff for me and DH.

Talking & listening -
We eat supper together almost every night; we also breakfast together. At supper we talk and talk. Sometimes so much that we have to use a "talking stick" to make sure that everyone feels like they have a chance to talk w/out interruption.

Listening - sometimes I was a bit bored listening to the ups and downs of my daughter's 6th grade social circle - but I also knew that it was important in her life & that I wanted to know the "cast of characters" and the action in that very important part of her life.

I still will read out loud to them sometimes.

I also try to give them their own space as well. We also sometimes talk about whether they need more mama-baba time or less, and how to balance support and independence.

[dhammamama]

Great question and I wish I had more answers. It's definitely a balance of giving them space and initiating contact, both physical, emotional as well as superficial (ie-- talking about the latest whatever gossip, song, movie-- keeping up with whatever they're interested in).

TV watching is often a good time to get a a snuggle in.

Taking them out to eat. Shaking up the routine.

Not allowing the connection to slip away even if they're pushing me away. Mine wants to see me stick around.Sometimes she even wants to be babied even though she acts as if she doesn't.

I thought it would be simpler, that's for sure. Like lay all the ground work, then it will just happen. Easy transition, cool connection, love abounds. Not so simple, at least not here. Boundaries, limits, expectations became much more important than when younger, imo. I'm still really feeling my way and expect to for a few more years.

Anyone read "Hold onto Your Kids"? I'm curious if it's any good.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Mine aren't quite teens yet -- oldest is DS 9. But we still read aloud to each child (DD is 6) every night and snuggle them as they go to sleep. I know the point is coming when he won't want that anymore, and I will miss it. Lately he has been starting to ask to go to sleep on his own. They are still welcome in our bed in the middle of the night if they want and DD still comes in for snuggles maybe once every couple of weeks.

We are very committed to family meals and breakfast and dinner are always no-TV family affairs. So are weekend lunches if we are home.

Watching their TV choices with them -- even though I don't like most of them.

Being as active at school as possible, which is hard since I WOH and most of their classmates's moms do not.

Seriously answering all the questions they ask -- even when I really don't want to.

Family time away from the busy schedule of our lives -- this weekend we are headed out to the mountains for a couple of days.

[mommy68]

My oldest is almost 14.

I homeschool.
We eat most, if not all, meals together as a family.
We cook together.
We go to museums, movies or some place at least a couple times per month.
We joke and act crazy around each other.
We watch movies and game shows together, fun stuff that makes us laugh.
We talk about just about any topics.
DH loves to plays music with our oldest and our son likes the rock n roll music that we grew up listening too.
We hug goodnight every single night.

[pink gal]

I just started having one night a week where 12 yo DD and I are alone together while dad works and younger sister is at a church activity. It has been awesome. We usually go out to eat so we have a nice chunk of time to talk where no one interrupts.

I also spend some time chatting with her at bedtime each night.

[jjawm]

I respect their opinions. When we disagree, we talk about it and try to reach a compromise if possible. If not, I'll discuss why.

I try to say 'yes' as often as possible still, like I do for my 2 year old. If they have a request, I try to find something in it I can say yes to.

When they're upset, I listen, listen, listen. I try not to judge.

I try to uplift them as people, and see the best intentions in what they're doing. If older dss is criticising younger dss, I might realize that he's trying to help younger dss do what's right, but needs help figuring out a better way to 'advise'.

I keep my mouth shut an awful lot! I've learned a lot about their lives by simply active listening.

[2mama]

We have girls club meeting, boys club meeting dad and me mom and me meetings. The kids are just one on one with a parent and we do something fun, like go to the museum, go out for coffee and talk go to the book store or library and browse together..

Basically we do just about everything together, we entertain each other, we teach each other, and we love each other. My kids know they can always snuggle up and have a good talk or we can read a novel together. We don't have a t.v. and we homeschool. We live life to its fullest and have adventures all the time..

[canadianchick]

DD and I eat most supper meals together and always talk about how her day was at school.

We talk about serious stuff and she knows no question will ever go unanswered.

We sometimes snuggle on the livingroom floor together and watch tv.

Every couple weeks, we sleep on the air mattress on the living room.... just for fun!

I still tuck her in every night.... even if she has a friend over.

I tell her I love her many, many times throughout the day.

We spend each and every weekend day at the barn with dd's horse, no matter how cold it is and no matter what else I have going on.

[Tangled Hill]

Ds is almost 11, now, and for us, AP has just been a constant thread through his life.

• We unschool, so he's with us quite a lot, and he enjoys helping us with everyday things around the house - cooking, cleaning, working, etc. This gives us time to just be together.
• His views and opinions are taken seriously in family decisions.
• We co-sleep every night (I assume this won't last a whole lot longer, but he loves it at the moment).
• We talk. A lot. All day. We discuss anything and everything.
• We tell each other we love each other I don't know how many times a day. Of course, the same can be said for me and hubby. That's just the way we are.
• We advocate for him and/or help him whenever he needs/wants us to, but we stand back a lot when he doesn't.
• We eat wholesome, yummy meals together whenever possible. Hubby's schedule is erratic, but ours is open enough that we can eat dinner as a family nearly every night.

We just hang out together, really. We respect him, and he respects us. We don't have lots of arbitrary rules (heck, we don't have lots of rules, period). Instead of us against him, we just happily glide through the world together. He's the most amazing kiddo, and we tell him that often.

I don't feel we've really changed the way we do things a whole lot along the way. I guess we have, in a way, but it's been very smooth. Just respecting him as a person and treating him the way we'd like to be treated.... I mean, that's really the same thing we did when he was a baby and a toddler. His needs change and our responses change, but the underlying base of respect stays the same.

[kay4]

subbing here

[KaylaBeanie]

I am nineteen, and my parents still VERY much AP.

-My parents have a king sized bed, so we'll all pile in(4 of us plus 4 pets) and chat, read, watch movies.

-My sister and I have always gone on all vacations with our parents.

-When apart, like when I was away at school, we'd talk every day on the phone no matter what.

-Our opinions have always mattered.

-Family dinners, generally cooking together.

-Weird, but we have a ritual where every Sunday we all either go out to lunch/a movie or to open houses. Comes from being military...after 20 years in military housing, my parents had no idea what they wanted in a house. So we've been doing it for years.

I guess what it comes down to is we grew up in a military family, and were taught that as long as the four of us were together, we were home. A great way to live i must say

[RetroMom]

My dd is almost 16 (where have all the years gone???), and we're pretty much joined at the hip. We'll go out a couple of Saturdays a month and window shop, go out to eat--her choice (usually sushi!)--go to the library, then finish up at a coffee house and talk and talk. We also have our fave t.v. shows which we'll DVR and watch after everyone else goes to bed. We cook together, and I'll help her make a recipe she's come up with on her own. We do still love our snuggles, and she loves for me to stroke her hair. She can make an epic pot of coffee, which we share while folding laundry together or just talking. I cherish these times we spend together; she's growing up so fast...
One thing that I love that we do as a family is take very long road trips every couple of years. We drove over 6,000 miles last time ('07) and got to see so much of the country; it was a blast! It's a great way to bond even more. Hmmmm, it's about time for another one!
She does like her space, though, as do I, but all in all, we're still very much AP.
When she was born, I'd never heard of AP, though my mama instincts went in that direction all the way. I ignored them thinking it was wrong and went with the mainstream thinking of parenting, unfortunately. It's one of my biggest regrets. So, in a way, I guess I'm making up for it; it's never too late, is it?!?

[MarineWife]

I have a now 20 month old, 5yo and 17yo (he'll be 18 in about a month!). It was very hard with the teenager and the newborn when the teen was almost 13 and then again when he was 16. It is different. I (we) love them all but there's a different feeling between the LOs and the big ones.

I like to listen to music with ds. We play Rock Band. He actually asked me to sing with him today with his friends! He shows me stuff he finds online and his and friends' things on Myspace. I talk to his friends and their parents. I drive him places. In the car is one of the best places for getting ds talking. We try to have dinner as a family as much as possible but dh is not here a lot. Teen ds makes dinner for us a lot. It's constantly changing and I have to constantly find new ways to connect with ds. I think the biggest thing is to just pay attention and be aware of your teen's life, interests and friends even when they are constantly changing.