No no I don't want her to get a reward!!

[hipumpkins]

My Dd is collecting pennies for a program called, "Pennies for peace" in Sunday school.
We made some fudge and "sold" it to our neighbors for a penny...only the neighbors gave more. MUCH more. So Dd has collected the most pennies but she really didn't.
the neighbors are giving her the pennies and she is delivering them.

I had her bring the pennies on seperate Sundays so it didn't seem like so many all atonce but the Director noticed and told her "We will have to give you a prze for all those pennies"

I know I sound crazy but I do not want her to get a prize. I want to instill in her the reason we do good things is so we can help people not so we get a present also.

If the girls who get schools built for them with money write a letter to the church I would show DD how proud I was that she helped in that effort and I want that to e her prize.

I really want to email the director and ask her not to give Dd a prize but I think she might think I am just nuts...also since it was just sort of mentioned not like OK we ARE givng her a prize it I amnt sure how to approach this but I really don't want her singled out
All the kids are collecting pennies not just her. YIKES!

Ok so would you email the director?

[meemee]

depends on how old your child is and how much she can understand.

i look at it another way. perhaps you can help your dd see that. not as a reward but as an appreciation.

obviously ur dd brought in a huge amount of pennies that has made a big difference. and i think your dd should see that. i guess you are conflicted because the pennies 'came easy'?

either way she did make a big contribution. and its acknowledgement of that contribution.

and dont worry. ur dd will get it. maybe next time she might expect a prize too and not get any and realise that u dont all the time.

i mean after all we adults also get rewards for winning that they call tax writeoffs.

my dd is 6 now and i notice she takes a lot of pride in what she does. so even though she might get a reward (sometimes i cant help but let her know how i appreciate the little thing that she did, or i tell her she deserves an icecream for helping out in such a generous way) but there is also that sense of accomplishment of look how much i did.

but the thing that sucks is the school reward for being the highest 'contributor' in class and the kids go crazy just for that prize. oooh rubs me hte wrong way. but its something i talk to my dd about and she understands.

[Super Glue Mommy]

i agree with meemee on this. all people are driven by both inward and outward motivators. adults sometimes work for a paycheck, and sometimes because they love their job, and sometimes for both reasons. i would let them handle the awards however they want, and at home you can focus on how good the other aspect of it felt. something along the lines of "that was so nice they acknowldged you for being so helpful. i hope you feel proud of all the good you did too. if I were you, that would be the true reward!"

[octobermom]

My guess is this fund raiser is pretty much intended for "more than penny" donations. Like having penny car washes and such or even stores that piggy back items like buy X brand of bread get a gallon milk for a penny. It assumes and often correctly that those that would normally only buy the 89cent loaf of bread will suddenly go for the $4 loaf it it means a "penny" $2 gallon of milk. SO my guess is while it might not be the case all the time its common for a child t o"win" soely because of a kind donation and not really cause they went to thousands of homes collecting pennies. I do understand where your comming from don't get me wrong but I might work on focusing when the "prize" represents more so than an idea it shoud never happen.

Deanna

[CarrieMF]

If it bothers you that much could you suggest to the director that the entire sunday school class get a special treat/party when the collecting is over?

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

If it bothers you that much could you suggest to the director that the entire sunday school class get a special treat/party when the collecting is over?

I like that idea.

Deanna

[kolleen9]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

I know I sound crazy but I do not want her to get a prize. I want to instill in her the reason we do good things is so we can help people not so we get a present also.

This is how I raised my kid. No punishments, no rewards a la "Punished by Rewards by Alfie Cohen." So I don't think there is anything wrong with saying you don't do prizes in your family.

I like the suggestion here about sharing something with the class. Something that is focused on the sharing a collective moment together rather than a prize for the individual.

-Kolleen

[Super Glue Mommy]

sorry to hijack but man I would love to find a gallon of milk for a $2!! its closer to 4-7 $ per gallon here.

[apple_dumpling]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

If it bothers you that much could you suggest to the director that the entire sunday school class get a special treat/party when the collecting is over?

I was going to suggest this as well if the kids are on the younger side. OR perhaps suggest that they take the money they would use for the 'prize' and make a donation to the same or a similar charity in your dd's name? Or even in the name of the class (Mrs. Smith's kindergarten class at Smithville Church or whatever - you get what I'm saying )

If she is older (over 5 or 6?) then I think since she went out and did the fundraising without any 'motivation' of a physical prize, then she is probably old enough to 'get' that you do things to help others/that are needed, not to get a prize. Maybe talk with her about that and have HER suggest to the teacher to donate the prize.

[Bluegoat]

Maybe instead of a prize a little card or certificate of appreciation would work; the director would feel like she was recognizing your dd's "hard work," and it doesn't have the same feel as a material prize.

When I was in primary, my school used to give out certificates every week to the older kids for work well done. The small children got a little medal, which we could keep for the week. I remember feeling really proud, not because I got a prize, but because the teachers had noticed that I had done well.

[Alyantavid]

I totally agree with you. My son's school does math-a-thon's all the time and the kids get huge prizes. He was so disappointed to not get a prize and didn't seem to care about the money he'd raised. I hate that. Everything at his school is done for a prize or treat or whatever.

[lolar2]

If it is something that doesn't happen that often, I'm all about Alfie Kohn but this is one I would just let go. If it happens regularly, I might say something along the lines of one of the previous suggestions up-thread.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by lolar2

If it is something that doesn't happen that often, I'm all about Alfie Kohn but this is one I would just let go. If it happens regularly, I might say something along the lines of one of the previous suggestions up-thread.

Actually, this is a situation that I feel very strongly about *not* letting it go. It's taking charity and turning it into a "I got a prize for doing the most" situation. I think that these situations are ones where parents and teachers need to be very careful to have the reward be the action itself, not a prize. It's hard to do at this young age, connect an abstract idea or faraway place with the help given, but I would be very careful about attaching a prize to that.

I like the idea of a note of appreciation (like a thank you note) or a "thank you" party for the whole class. And I would call or visit the teacher in person to cut down on the miscommunications that could crop up here via electronic communication.

[lolar2]

That's why I said if it was something that happened repeatedly, I would not let it go. But if the family participates in several fund-raisers every year (which most families I know do to some extent), and this one fund-raiser, in this one year, involves a reward, I really don't think it's going to cancel out every other fund-raiser that doesn't.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by lolar2

That's why I said if it was something that happened repeatedly, I would not let it go. But if the family participates in several fund-raisers every year (which most families I know do to some extent), and this one fund-raiser, in this one year, involves a reward, I really don't think it's going to cancel out every other fund-raiser that doesn't.

I saw the 'repeatedly' stipulation, but for my daughter, with her temperament, that one time would be all it took to cement in her mind that this (charity) deserved a reward. Which is why I answered as I did.

[grniys]

Hmm... see, I don't really see the big deal about the prize and rewards thing.

I mean, if you don't want her to have a reward, by all means, speak to the teacher about it.

But, in life, charitable contributions are often rewarded. When someone gives large amounts to a zoo they get a bench with their name on it. When someone does a lot for the community, they may be named "Charitable person of the year" or something along those lines and get a nice plaque. I guess I'm just pointing out that when you're older if you go above and beyond in what's expected you're often commended for it. So I can see the line of thought with the rewards and recognition.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by grniys

Hmm... see, I don't really see the big deal about the prize and rewards thing.

I mean, if you don't want her to have a reward, by all means, speak to the teacher about it.

But, in life, charitable contributions are often rewarded. When someone gives large amounts to a zoo they get a bench with their name on it. When someone does a lot for the community, they may be named "Charitable person of the year" or something along those lines and get a nice plaque. I guess I'm just pointing out that when you're older if you go above and beyond in what's expected you're often commended for it. So I can see the line of thought with the rewards and recognition.

When I give a goat via Heifer International, they send a nice acknowledgement note and I get a good feeling inside. When I give a fiver to a guy on the side of the road, I feel better knowing I did what I could. When I deliver a 50 lb bag of gleaned potatoes to a local family in need I do it anonymously and feel that I've helped a mom have less fear about feeding her children. No benches, no awards, no commendation.

[Oriole]

If someone does something nice for me - I want to do something nice for them. It's not that I never want to help out people that don't help me, I'm just trying to make a point that I think it's natural for people to feel gratitude and to want to reciprocate, kwim? I guess I don't see the wrong from this point of view, and therefore would stick with "don't sent the letter" crowd.

I heard about Punished by Reward, and was curious. But I think it applies to households where it's overdone (?) I do believe that parents' beliefs are much more powerful in this situation. And of course, if you feel strongly about something, it is always your choice to bring this up if you feel necessary.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Niamh

When I give a goat via Heifer International, they send a nice acknowledgement note and I get a good feeling inside. When I give a fiver to a guy on the side of the road, I feel better knowing I did what I could. When I deliver a 50 lb bag of gleaned potatoes to a local family in need I do it anonymously and feel that I've helped a mom have less fear about feeding her children. No benches, no awards, no commendation.

I really find it admirable, but I feel just as good about "known" things I've done and gotten thank you for, as well as for the "unknown" things I've done and haven't gotten thank you for, kwim? I think an act of kindness is an act of kindness, and it is great whether someone pays you back or not.

I love Leo Buscaglia, and I remember him saying that people neither know how to give presents nor how to receive them any more. Any gift given should come from the heart, and thought out, and meant for the person to be enjoy. And the receiving person shouldn't hold back the gratitude they feel, and that instead of saying "aw, you shouldn't have" we should feel free to hug each other and say what we mean "that's great, thank you SO much! It is so nice you knew to get it for me!"

I guess what I'm trying to express here is that gratitude can take many forms, and it's never a bad thing when it comes from the heart, kwim?

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

sorry to hijack but man I would love to find a gallon of milk for a $2!! its closer to 4-7 $ per gallon here.

yea its more like $4-5 really I was jsut tossing out example numbers.

Deanna