My mom jut compared spanking to when footballers smack each others butts!

[aurora_skys]

My parents spanked me and I remember getting spanked a lot.. I hated it and hated my parents for it, theres no way I want to set up that kind of relationship with my kids. But my mom loves to hassle me about my choices (you know, "get him out of your bed!" and "oh you'll stop that nursing when he gets teeth/ is too old etc").
When she asked how I was going to discipline my son (who is currently just 3 months ) I said I certainly wasnt going to hit him. She got miffed and said spanking isnt hitting its different. I asked how was it different and she said spanking is like when football players smack their teammates bums. I responded with, "No, thats adults joking around. Were you kidding when you hit me?" and she just mumbled "no." I explained that if adults hit each other the way they hit their kids they could be arrested for assault so how on earth is it ok to do this to little kids?! But it's like she just doesnt get it. Like we have to parent with belts and hands or it wont work!

Ugh, I just had to vent, this has really been bothering me :<

[samikashi]

Ah yes. Most people will try to downplay the impact of a spank and then go on to say things like "well kids are so bad these days because they weren't spanked!"

That's what I always hear from everyone: old, young, childless, lots of kids.. you name it, they say it!

I was chatting with a childless friend recently and she threw out that line. I told her we wouldn't be spanking since purposely hurting our child(ren) is not on the agenda. She told me that's not the point of spanking. I respectfully agreed to disagree.

It sounds like you had the perfect rebuttal for your Mom! Hopefully she'll eventually realize, after watching you raise her grandchild through the years, that "tough" love doesn't have to mean physically tough.

[kiwiva]

I think, especially when it's your mom or mil, it can be taken personally when you don't parent the way they did. Because you are doing things differently it can be perceived as a judgement on the way she did it and result in her needing to defend it further. Seriously she is getting ahead of herself is your baby is just 3 mos!

Spanking is especially dear to people who did it. They definitely want validation. If you reject it, of course they need to downplay it because otherwise they'd have to admit it is harmful to children. I think your response was perfect! You will find the same sort of reaction for those who used CIO.

I don't discuss cosleeping or any of my other non-mainstream parenting methods with family members (or others) who are going to criticize it or feel the need to debate me on it. It's just too annoying to me. And I never ever complained to those people about being tired or anything as the put the baby in the crib or CIO advice would be inevitable.

I think since your mother likes to hassle you about your parenting choices, perhaps you should have a conversation about agreeing to disagree. Tell her that if you want her advice you will ask or if she is interested in your reasoning behind your choices you will be happy to educate her, but otherwise she should keep her opinion to herself. And then whatever you do, don't complain about any issues you are having unless you are open to her non-AP opinion and "I told you sos." It is only the beginning!!

[mama2peyton]

I've actually heard that one before from my SIL

It sounds like you had some really good replies to her comments though!

[KaliShanti]

I am not anti-spanking (in some ways), but that was a really ignorant comment she made. I'm glad you had a good reply.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by kiwiva

I think, especially when it's your mom or mil, it can be taken personally when you don't parent the way they did. Because you are doing things differently it can be perceived as a judgement on the way she did it and result in her needing to defend it further.

ITA. A good way to defuse the defensiveness is to gently say something like, "This isn't a criticism of your choices. I'm simply making decisions that I feel are right for my family." This also handily reminds them that the decision is ultimately yours, because it's your child.