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MIL let DD cry it out - Page 3

post #41 of 118
OP, I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your baby. My MIL also did this to ds when he was about 6 months old, and I was BEYOND livid. I almost couldn't see straight I was so angry. My MIL, however, did NOT prevent me from going to my son IMMEDIATELY to get him.

In my case, I left ds w/her at 9am so I could go to a Dr appt. When I returned about 1.5 hrs later, I got out of my car and could hear ds screaming from the outside of the house. I went in the house, and MIL met me at the door, saying "he's only been doing that for a minute". When I went into her room where she had laid the baby on the bed (3 ft up off the floor!) he was still wearing his outside jacket I'd dropped him off in, he was wearing a bib crusted with baby food, tied (NOT velcroed!) around his neck, and he was nearly purple from exertion. He had been crying for a while. I think she fed him and immediately put him in another room to cry. I thought I was going to come unglued completely, and it was very fortunate that I was holding my child and trying to soothe him, or I might have lost whatever wits I had about me and physically harmed her. I hurt for my baby for DAYS (and still do when I think about it). I also felt unbelievably guilty, for placing him in someone's care who treated him this way. I dont think I said anything at the time besides, "I do NOT let him cry alone EVER. This is abusive and I am NOT okay with it."

I think my MIL was scared of me. As she should have been, and as your MIL should be. What was it a pp said - Go Momma Bear on her ass (?). I agree. If its obvious to her that you will not condone or support her blatant disregard for YOUR parenting style, she will probably think twice in the future before attempting to second guess you, regardless of whether she agrees with them or not.

to all the MIL's out there who are evil.
post #42 of 118
I wouldn't allow her to watch my baby either, and if you have to say something, I would tell the truth.

Crying in arms while being soothed is one thing, I can understand that, but abandoning a crying baby for no reason is awful
post #43 of 118
I would be furious.

I also would not allow alone time. I would feel different if your mil was rocking or trying to calm her while you were in the shower.

BUT

She was being decietful. She was trying to prove something. She turned off that baby monitor. She wants to say to you, "I told you, so." She is going to keep on doing this until she is put in her place.

I would have dh put her in her place. Remember it will be hard for him to stand up to his mom. Just like it might be hard for you to stand up to your parents.

I notice you are in Hong Kong....could her culture be a part of it? Or your race play a part? I do know some mama's have more trouble with mil's when they are not what they wanted culturally/racially.

I would also inform your dh if he wants his mom to be allowed to babysit she has to prove she is trust worthy. That behavior was not trust worthy.
post #44 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
I would be furious.
She was being decietful. She was trying to prove something. She turned off that baby monitor. She wants to say to you, "I told you, so." She is going to keep on doing this until she is put in her place.
Yes. I don't know why some women feel challenged if the DIL expresses disagreement with them over parenting styles and want to score a point. A way to circumvent these power struggles is to sit and have a frank, firm and informative talk about basic points of care over which there is to be no compromise. This is not to upstage her, does not mean disrespect to her or mistrust of her. It's to do with what is in the best interests of the baby/child. This way you set your expectations early on, they know the whys of it, no room for silly proving games which come at the expense of the child.

OP, what did you say to her after you calmed down your baby? An incident like that needs to be addressed ASAP.
post #45 of 118
There is nothing I can add, but wanted to offer a
post #46 of 118
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the support. I'm still mad, even though DD seems totally over it. I haven't talked to mil yet. I had to go out shortly after this whole thing. I have no idea what to even say, I'm so friggen non-confrontational even when I know I'm in the right.
I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes sake)
DH gets home tomorrow morning and I'd like to talk to him before I talk to MIL. All I can think to say to her is that she will not be alone with DD again and DD is not to be used to teach me a lesson. I was really hoping this trip would mend our relationship. AND I was really really looking forward to a night out. I love DD, but we have not gone out since she was born. I was looking forward to a meal that I could enjoy sans babe on my boob or on my lap pulling on my hair.
post #47 of 118
I am so sorry this happened with you and your DD. You have hit on one of the reasons we will not let MIL be alone with DS for long periods before he is old enough to really voice his opinions.

MIL has mentioned plenty of times that I should just let DS cry or "I'll regret it" later down the road. She has been left with him no longer than 30 minutes (and that while he"s already asleep). Out of DH and me, I am definitely the more pacifistic one. If I game MIL the chance to do something like that with DS, and she did it, she would never be allowed to see DS again, and there's a good chance DH might go a bit over the top. (I'm the one that's making sure MIL and DH have a speaking relationship to start with.)
post #48 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie's Mama View Post
I was really hoping this trip would mend our relationship.
Okay, but you understand that it's not your fault that it wasn't, right? What she did was over-the-top and downright dangerous (not to mention disrespectful, manipulative, and a whole host of other things). The reason people have baby monitors is so they can hear if their child is crying or choking, and even most of those who are not opposed to CIO would agree that it's dangerous to just walk away and not listen-- there was a real risk of her vomiting and aspirating. We can't avoid all risk for our kids, but this risk was manufactured by your MIL. Against your express wishes. You can only try to get along to a point, but she needs to be doing her part-- starting with honoring your parenting decisions (even if she doesn't agree with them).

I hope you and your DH are able to find your inner Mama and Papa Bears and put your foot (feet?) down in a big way. What she did was unacceptable. And don't let her put this back on you-- you were clear about this issue with her (you don't leave your DD to cry alone or unnecessarily) and she chose to ignore your wishes and in doing so broke what little trust you may have had in her. Actions have consequences, you choose the action, you choose the consequence.
post #49 of 118
I am sorry she did that to you and your daughter. My blood is boiling for you!
post #50 of 118
I am SO sorry this happen to you and your dd, what an experience to have gone through, I wonder if she did this because your dh isn't there at the moment?

The thing that struck me was from your post I thought she wanted to spend time WITH your dd, putting her in a room turning the monitor off and letting her cry is NOT spending time with her granddaughter, I don't know if you'd be able to talk to your fil - who you like - to see if he might get through to his wife pointing out the fact that you're confused as to the intentions of mil regarding your dd, you thought she loved her etc - it may work.

Something else that may work is looking up Dr James McKenna, who is a sleep expert and does NOT condone CIO - and has scientific evidence to support it - she may take that sort of thing into consideration - you could even email him - he's very approachable and usually responds to most emails. You don't need to discuss or talk to her about vaccines and homebirth - that's your private life and you need to protect yourself and your family from negative influences.

Good luck - that's a really hard situation to be in and I wish you joy and happiness in your parenting journey.
post #51 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie's Mama View Post
Thanks for the support. I'm still mad, even though DD seems totally over it. I haven't talked to mil yet. I had to go out shortly after this whole thing. I have no idea what to even say, I'm so friggen non-confrontational even when I know I'm in the right.
I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes sake)
DH gets home tomorrow morning and I'd like to talk to him before I talk to MIL. All I can think to say to her is that she will not be alone with DD again and DD is not to be used to teach me a lesson. I was really hoping this trip would mend our relationship. AND I was really really looking forward to a night out. I love DD, but we have not gone out since she was born. I was looking forward to a meal that I could enjoy sans babe on my boob or on my lap pulling on my hair.

Bolding mine.

Why is it that you have to be the one to "get along" and give, but his mother can just swoop in and be obnoxious and controlling?

I would tell MIL exactly what I thought and DH could go twist in the wind if he didn't like it. And, you know what? You could make her leave your home, if you wanted to, no matter what anyone else thinks. You simply don't want to, because it would cause a problem with your husband, and I understand that totally.

Tell her that DD is your child, not hers, and that her advice is unwanted, unwarranted, and she needs to back off and drop it. Limit her time with your child.
post #52 of 118
I'm so sorry mama. I would be crushed. Not just angry, but really sad that my child had lost that relationship with their grandparent.

The time to stand up for your child is NOW. This will not end until she "proves" to you that her parenting is the right way. Keep her away from your daughter. Talk to your husband and present a united front to your MIL.

post #53 of 118
I had to stop having my OWN family take care of my dd for this same reason. Your dh needs to step up to the plate - you are his wife, dd is his child, and you two need to be his priority. Period. I do think it's his job as it's his mom, but personally I'd do what I had to do to protect dd at this point.



You are in a very bad position.
post #54 of 118
My God. What if she had vomitted or choked and no one could hear because of the monitor off and the music on? This really could have been a lot worse, and I would never let these people in my house w/o DH.
post #55 of 118
I'd be FURIOUS with my mil and I would ABSOLUTELY tell her to get the h#ll out NOW!!!

Her PURPOSELY shutting the monitor off and PURPOSELY turning the music on shows she knew exactly what she was doing was WRONG but wanted to make sure she got her way w/ parenting YOUR child.

I am so livid right now.

Also, you don't just have a MIL problem, you have a dh problem as well. Why is it that YOU are the one that has to get along with his pweshus mommy but she can be deceptive, manipulative, underhanded and put your child in a DANGEROUS situation and she gets away with it?

Your dh's place is with his wife and children.

This would be a hill to die on with me. My relationship with my MIL would NEVER be the same and I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER allow this woman any unsupervised time alone with my children. Period!!!
post #56 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebeccajo View Post
That is AWFUL. I would never leave my child alone with my MIL again if she did that. Your poor baby and poor you. Hug your daughter lots.
:
post #57 of 118
She blatantly disrespects your parenting. There is no way I would leave her alone with my child. How old is your baby anyway? I have read your posts, but not the entire thread.

And, I can tell you from experience, that that dinner out alone, that you are so looking forward to, will not be nearly so enjoyable as you are picturing, and especially not if you leave your daughter with someone you cannot trust.
post #58 of 118
I'm just seething for you, mama! I'm impressed that you had enought control to keep from slapping her!
post #59 of 118
Oh and I just wanted to add after seeing your update. DH and I have had a lot of problems with his mom-- you can read my past threads if you don't belive me!

I always put it on myself to get along with her, and it never worked. It just wouldn't because she would take it as a sign that she could walk all over me. DH and I sat down a couple weeks ago, and firmly told her-- in our house, it our way or the highway. We love you, but we will distance ourselves if you keep acting this way!

The difference in how she treats me now is like night and day. Some people need to be put in their place. She's a grandma-- not a mom.
post #60 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
She's a grandma-- not a mom.

Sorry, but with her nasty, sneaky, manipulative and deceptive behavior, she doesn't deserve the title "grandma" either at this point. May seem harsh and extreme but there is no excuse for PURPOSELY going behind the mom's back and doing this. This would absolutely be a cut-off reason for me. Maybe not for forever, but, for a long time at least.
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