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MIL let DD cry it out - Page 4

post #61 of 118
OOOOH. I am SO sorry mama, I would be BEYOND PISSED. I was pissed FOR YOU as I was reading! That would be it for me- no more alone time with her- I would SERIOUSLY restrict the amount of time she spent with her AT ALL.

(Love the name, btw. My LO is Natalie, too.)
post #62 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
Bolding mine.

Why is it that you have to be the one to "get along" and give, but his mother can just swoop in and be obnoxious and controlling?

I would tell MIL exactly what I thought and DH could go twist in the wind if he didn't like it. And, you know what? You could make her leave your home, if you wanted to, no matter what anyone else thinks. You simply don't want to, because it would cause a problem with your husband, and I understand that totally.

Tell her that DD is your child, not hers, and that her advice is unwanted, unwarranted, and she needs to back off and drop it. Limit her time with your child.
Relationships with ILs can be very complex. There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself (and family) and getting in between the relationship of your spouse and parents.

If you are not careful and end up doing the second, you can easily wreck your marriage. However, if you don't put your foot down (preferably with your spouse's support) it's very easy to let those ppl control your life and make it miserable. Marriages have either ended or been made very miserable over such things.

I've come close to ending things with my husband, bc of his folks. I never had a problem with a SO's parents before, but my husband's parents (while loving and well-meaning) can be very controlling over his life.

His father, in particular, can be a huge bully and very immature. We've had it out a couple times. The man loves confrontation and to start battles over stupid things like someone's different lifestyle choices and politics (he brings it up) when there are a million and one other topics to talk about. When I've tried to defend myself against these verbal attacks, I almost always end up being the bad guy. This is because my husband has been so accustomed to growing up around his father's nasty behavior that he has a blindspot for it. Nagging, griping, and complaining has not helped him see things at all.

But then I came to realize where he came from. My family is not perfect either. In fact, my mother and stepdad can be very judgmental, and my biological father (who is an abuser) is so toxic and manipulative I ended up making the painful decision to cut him out of my life for now....

But the thing is my husband always left these choices open to me. He rarely spoke down about my parents (even when they were rude), and if he did ever say anything it was very objective and nonjudgmental. This left me with more freedom to see things for what they were versus feeling like I was being backed into a corner by my husband. It helped give me the power to open my eyes to my parents controlling and/or abusive behaviors and start creating healthy boundaries with my family on my own. That is *much better* than feeling like my husband has come between us.

So recently, I've been trying to give him the same respect with his family. If his father tries to push my buttons, I just let him blast off or I just walk out of the room (and objectively talk to DH about it later). And you know what? It's working!

My guy is actually finally seeing what I'm talking about with his parents, and he is starting to stick up for us. This also prevents his folks from attacking me so much they aren't viewing me "the puppeteer" of my husband's choices anymore. Instead, we are coming off as a unified front and that makes us all the more strong.

It is a long hard road, and things aren't going to completely change overnight, but we at least get a relief from the drama as we are learning how to avoid these explosive situations with our folks together.
post #63 of 118
I would never ask them to leave. I would never be completely disrespectful of my Mother in Law.

BUT it is YOUR house, and YOUR child. You are not at her mercy.

Sure.. she is talking to her husband about how you are doing such a bad parenting job, and how the baby will never learn to sooth herself. But, who cares? Even in ten years when you have a happy healthy fifth grader, she will still think it was in spite of the fact that you never let her cry.

She raised her kids. You get to raise yours. It's none of her business how you chose to do so.
post #64 of 118
I don't understand why people want to take CARE of the baby if they're not going to actually provide CARE. Ignoring a crying child is not providing care.

I would have difficulty biting back comments about who chooses the nursing home.
post #65 of 118
Absolutely unacceptable.

If you're not up to tell her everything, just don't let dd out of your or dh's sight. And make sure you and dh are on the same page about everything, he can tell her whatever he thinks is necessary. You just go on as if she isn't there.
post #66 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
Relationships with ILs can be very complex. There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself (and family) and getting in between the relationship of your spouse and parents.

If you are not careful and end up doing the second, you can easily wreck your marriage. However, if you don't put your foot down (preferably with your spouse's support) it's very easy to let those ppl control your life and make it miserable. Marriages have either ended or been made very miserable over such things.

I've come close to ending things with my husband, bc of his folks. I never had a problem with a SO's parents before, but my husband's parents (while loving and well-meaning) can be very controlling over his life.

His father, in particular, can be a huge bully and very immature. We've had it out a couple times. The man loves confrontation and to start battles over stupid things like someone's different lifestyle choices and politics (he brings it up) when there are a million and one other topics to talk about. When I've tried to defend myself against these verbal attacks, I almost always end up being the bad guy. This is because my husband has been so accustomed to growing up around his father's nasty behavior that he has a blindspot for it. Nagging, griping, and complaining has not helped him see things at all.

But then I came to realize where he came from. My family is not perfect either. In fact, my mother and stepdad can be very judgmental, and my biological father (who is an abuser) is so toxic and manipulative I ended up making the painful decision to cut him out of my life for now....

But the thing is my husband always left these choices open to me. He rarely spoke down about my parents (even when they were rude), and if he did ever say anything it was very objective and nonjudgmental. This left me with more freedom to see things for what they were versus feeling like I was being backed into a corner by my husband. It helped give me the power to open my eyes to my parents controlling and/or abusive behaviors and start creating healthy boundaries with my family on my own. That is *much better* than feeling like my husband has come between us.

So recently, I've been trying to give him the same respect with his family. If his father tries to push my buttons, I just let him blast off or I just walk out of the room (and objectively talk to DH about it later). And you know what? It's working!

My guy is actually finally seeing what I'm talking about with his parents, and he is starting to stick up for us. This also prevents his folks from attacking me so much they aren't viewing me "the puppeteer" of my husband's choices anymore. Instead, we are coming off as a unified front and that makes us all the more strong.

It is a long hard road, and things aren't going to completely change overnight, but we at least get a relief from the drama as we are learning how to avoid these explosive situations with our folks together.


Believe me, I know all about inlaw issues. But, there are things I absolutely would not ever tolerate and if my DH didn't like it, he could hit the road. I have my limits.

I am also not afraid to stand up for DH. He is my husband. I am an adult and will stand up for him if needed. I love him that much. To me, a man or woman who does not stand up for their spouse, doesn't love their spouse.

I read story after story about how many men (and women) just expect their spouse and children to suck it up and keep the peace, aka, "just let my mommy/daddy/family member pick on you and don't say anything". There comes a time when you have to choose to be a grown-up or a child. If you are grown enough to marry and have children, you should be grown up enough to stand up for them and tell your family of origin to buzz off, if needed. Yes, I have done this with my own family of origin. No, it wasn't easy.
post #67 of 118
What your MIL did was deplorable and my heart broke for your babe.

I just wanted to send you both some
post #68 of 118
I'm sorry that you have to be stuck in this position. I really agree with the people who said that this could've been a lot worse. It really could've been a tragedy.

Please don't let her baby-sit for you AT ALL. I know you were looking forward to having a night out but you can't trust this woman. Even if she says that she won't let dd cry like that again don't believe it. I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg for her. Keep your baby safe and away from this woman. What if this progresses to spanking or force feeding in the future? It's obvious that she is having issues with not being in control.

Also, you did try to get along with your MIL but SHE CROSSED THE LINE! She put your baby in danger and disrespected you. Now Mil needs to try to get along with you. If your dh can't see this then you'll have to stand up for yourself NOW or this is going to get out of hand. I know, I speak from experience. Thankfully my dh now defends me but in the beginning it wasn't that way. It was hard but If I can do it so can you.

You can even be polite and just say something like, "Mil, I am sorry but I don't feel comfortable leaving the baby with you. I feel like you inadvertently put my daughter in danger by leaving her to cry and turning off the monitor. Unfortunately, I do not trust you anymore to care for MY child. I am sorry if this offends you but I have to do what I feel is right for MY child." You could even write it down and give it to her that way.
Or you could go for the short and sweet, "We will not be going out. We don't let our child cry it out and this is NOT up for discussion".

I would even consider letting your dh read this thread so that he can see that you are not just being overly emotional. (not saying that that's what he'll think, but just in case.)

Socks For Supper, WTF! Omg, how you didn't throw down with your mil is amazing. I might've been violent with her. Your poor sweet little one.
post #69 of 118
On your end, I would just make 'this is not an okay way to take care of my child' your broken record saying and have your dp do any more in depth discussion with her. She probably won't listen to any explanations until she actually comes to either of you and asks for it.
post #70 of 118
Wow. Just wow. She shut the monitor off? I find that seriously disturbing. It sounds like you already know what to do- never leave your precious baby with that person. It may be inconvenient and cause friction in the fam but our babies come first and we have to protect them from experiences like that.

Sounds like its time for a serious woman to woman talk w your mil:
post #71 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
Believe me, I know all about inlaw issues. But, there are things I absolutely would not ever tolerate and if my DH didn't like it, he could hit the road. I have my limits.

I am also not afraid to stand up for DH. He is my husband. I am an adult and will stand up for him if needed. I love him that much. To me, a man or woman who does not stand up for their spouse, doesn't love their spouse.

I read story after story about how many men (and women) just expect their spouse and children to suck it up and keep the peace, aka, "just let my mommy/daddy/family member pick on you and don't say anything". There comes a time when you have to choose to be a grown-up or a child. If you are grown enough to marry and have children, you should be grown up enough to stand up for them and tell your family of origin to buzz off, if needed. Yes, I have done this with my own family of origin. No, it wasn't easy.
I understand. This particular situation is pretty extreme, because of the blatant disrespect and the safety factor. Natalie's Mamma already said her husband was out at the time and she's talking to him to get him on board before making a move. That's a pretty rational decision (compared to beating the crap out of or screaming at the MIL—though being violent to such a UAV is much more gratifying to imagine). They will be a much stronger voice when confronting the ILs together than if she tries it alone.

That said, if I was in that kind of situation I'd expect nothing less than my husband to be on board with telling off his folks after our talk, and I'd definitely give him a chance to do it first. If he didn't, though, I *would* take matters into my own hands (and believe me, if anything like this ever happens I'm not afraid to be "the b*tch"). Then I would probably be looking into a marriage counselor for us or a good divorce lawyer or me.

That said, it's been my experience that a confrontation like that with a ILs is almost always best worked out with the partner before taking matters into your own hands (an exception is if they become violent or continue to put the child in danger while your partner is out).

If you go after the parents directly or *force* your partner to go after them, it will come back to bite you on the ass. Folks (including your partner) will start to believe you came between him/her and his/her parents, and that will = resentment in the marriage.

Guys (and girls) who are non-confrontational (and let's face it, those of us with controlling parents are often groomed to be non-confrontational) can end up being very passive-aggressive. Passive-aggression is very destructive in the long run as one holds onto anger to get along with everyone than express their true feelings, but then it comes out in funny or ugly ways.

So while I'm a huge advocate of defending my family and myself, I've been learning there's a fine balance between being protective and poisoning my marriage. Where that line is for each person is very an individual choice between the couple—depending where our comfort levels lie and how we were raised... However, it's important to know it exists so we don't end up being either enablers or bullies in our relationships.

There are no easy answers, but I am impressed with Natalie's Mom for her restraint. She got to her daughter first (totally a priority over beating up or screaming at the MIL), got them to safety and away from the toxic situation, cooled down, and is taking time to think things over before acting. That takes a lot of strength of character not to let your emotions control you in a situation like that—whether it's going into a rage or letting your ILs control things (fight or flight). She ended up protecting her family and not stooping to the level of her MIL. I hope to remember this if I ever run into any problems like this with my own family (including my ILs).
post #72 of 118
You just dont let your MIL watch your baby again. It is that simple.
post #73 of 118
I'm hopping mad for you and your DD and I've never met either of you! If this had happened to me, words would not even begin to express how upset and angry I would be. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this

Get your DH on board, get him to give your MIL a stern talking-to, and make it clear that she will NEVER be looking after your DD unsupervised again. Why on earth does she say that she wants to spend time with her if all that consists of is sticking her in another room and ignoring her obvious distress?
post #74 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie's Mama View Post
She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking".
If I were in your shoes, I think I'd kick them out and explain it to dh when he got home. This quote is so blatantly disrespectful of you as a person and as a mother that there is no way this relationship can be mended unless your MIL does a major rethink of her approach. She has no right to talk to you like that, and even less right to try to "teach" you how to parent your child.

I'd be livid. My temper is bad enough that, in your shoes, when she grabbed my arm, I'd have probably hit her.

ETA: I totally agree with this:
Quote:
, but I am impressed with Natalie's Mom for her restraint. She got to her daughter first (totally a priority over beating up or screaming at the MIL), got them to safety and away from the toxic situation, cooled down, and is taking time to think things over before acting. That takes a lot of strength of character not to let your emotions control you in a situation like that—whether it's going into a rage or letting your ILs control things (fight or flight). She ended up protecting her family and not stooping to the level of her MIL.
I'm pretty sure I'd have lost my cool, but I don't think that's a virtue.
post #75 of 118
wow i would definitely NOT let her stay with them-hell, i wouldn't let her be alone with her! YOU are the mother, it's your kid, she had her chance with her kids. she's completely disrespecting you. no advice on what to say to her b/c i would have flippr=ed on her then and there.
post #76 of 118
I'm in agreement with everything that's been said. I also want to say that if you want a night out, then go for it. Just don't use MIL as the babysitter. I'm sure you can find a caring babysitter who is respectful of your parenting decisions! Your baby will be much happier with a loving babysitter then your MIL.
post #77 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
Relationships with ILs can be very complex. There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself (and family) and getting in between the relationship of your spouse and parents.

If you are not careful and end up doing the second, you can easily wreck your marriage. However, if you don't put your foot down (preferably with your spouse's support) it's very easy to let those ppl control your life and make it miserable. Marriages have either ended or been made very miserable over such things.
i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
nak
post #78 of 118
That's why I stopped going to the gym and leaving my son with my mom. She wouldn't leave him to cry himself to sleep, but she would put him down for like five minutes while he was crying (he hated when I left even as a little baby). I live with my mom, and I just told her very clearly that she was not to leave him alone crying or otherwise. She would never have left him for a long time, but even a little while wasn't cool with me. She was okay with it.
post #79 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahlea View Post
i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
nak
I agree with this completely. You have to put your relationship with your children and husband first, way above the relationship with parents and inlaws. I have no qualms about telling my inlaws how I feel/think and if my husband had problems with me standing up for myself to someone who does not respect me... well he wouldnt be my husband, thats for sure.
post #80 of 118
I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes

Well my Dh was reading this over my shoulder and wants to tell your DH that he would have personally removed both his parents from the home and threatened to call the police for child endangerment and harrassment for grabbing you.

I hope your DH supports you in this, OP. All rudeness aside, what your MIL did was place your child's life BELOW her desire to play games. How would you feel if you had walked up to a dead child in that moment?
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