Originally Posted by Dahlea
i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
You are very blessed to have a husband who can actually see the way his parents behave, and it sounds like you both came on board with how to deal with them before he chose to cut them out.
Some of us are not so lucky to start out that way. For those of us who aren't, it takes time and patience to build a relationship to that point or you can easily escalate things and ruin your relationship.
This is not
to say you give in to toxic inlaws, allow them to step on you, and/or allow them to endanger you or your child (physically or mentally). Rules can be made with your spouse if he or she isn't ready to confront his/her parents. Example - you both agree if your ILs make you uncomfortable or are mean to your DC, that you can cut your visit with them short. You also get to have the option of not visiting them as much if they are nasty. It's not as gratifying as hearing your husband tell them off, but it's certainly a good start.
It really helps to anticipate the actions of these people (if possible), and communicate clearly when situations that arise with your partner before taking any forceful action—with exception. That exception is when the ILs are actively being violent or continuing to endanger you or your child. If they are, all bets can be off.
Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped to make boundaries right away—especially when we grow up in toxic or abusive environments where we are used to being controlled or have to "shut off" to cope with our crazy family. That doesn't mean we don't change. You have to in order to have a healthy marriage, but sometimes that takes a little time and understanding before it happens.
Of course there are situations where partners remain "blind." In those cases, it's best just to get a good attorney and leave them (if marriage counseling doesn't work). Otherwise, the only other option is to get bullied or to end up having to "parent" your partner to do the right thing—and those are both miserable places to be.Edit: I read some of this thread to my husband. Guess what his reaction was? He said he'd throw the OP's inlaws out in a heartbeat. He said, if he was in the OP's situation—regardless of whether they were my parents or his—he would have resorted to decking whoever grabbed his arm. This really shocked me (in a good way). I guess impending parenthood has made him tougher. It is good to know where he stands if we run into anything like this with either of our families.