MIL let DD cry it out - Page 5

[AbbieB]

Wow. Just Wow.

This women could not even hold her grand baby for the 30 minutes it took you to shower and dress. She felt the need to isolate her and let her scream.

There is no way I would ever let her be alone with my baby.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by AbbieB

Wow. Just Wow.

This women could not even hold her grand baby for the 30 minutes it took you to shower and dress. She felt the need to isolate her and let her scream.

There is no way I would ever let her be alone with my baby.

I know what she's thinking, because my mom was the same way. My mom told me, "That baby needs to learn to sleep in her crib on her own. I took the opportunity to teach her since you're obviously unwilling to do it." It isn't about not wanting to hold the baby. It's about undermining the parents' authority and doing things the parents disapprove of because the chance exists. And if this grandma is alone with that kid again, I PROMISE it will happen again. Every time they are alone together.

[tallulahma]

i cannot get over that she turned the monitor off. soooooo much can happen in a second. my 8 mo old fell on the tile today just crawling around and cried in my arms so hard she spit up & choked a little... this thread popped to mind.

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes

Well my Dh was reading this over my shoulder and wants to tell your DH that he would have personally removed both his parents from the home and threatened to call the police for child endangerment and harrassment for grabbing you.

I hope your DH supports you in this, OP. All rudeness aside, what your MIL did was place your child's life BELOW her desire to play games. How would you feel if you had walked up to a dead child in that moment?

i asked dh what he would do, and he said, "i would call them at their hotel and explain that they are lucky you didnt hurt her[mil], and that if they EVER pulled any crap like that again, they would be off the list"

[we say "on the list " often here like "circle of trust"]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I know what she's thinking, because my mom was the same way. My mom told me, "That baby needs to learn to sleep in her crib on her own. I took the opportunity to teach her since you're obviously unwilling to do it." It isn't about not wanting to hold the baby. It's about undermining the parents' authority and doing things the parents disapprove of because the chance exists. And if this grandma is alone with that kid again, I PROMISE it will happen again. Every time they are alone together.

:

[melijack1]

Noob here, hi, how are ya.

I think what gets me about this is that in disrespecting you, her son's chosen life partner and the one he loves and trusts above all others, she disrespected HIM too. I would be furious if I was your DH. I feel like my DH is an extension of me, and the decisions that we make wrt our children are OURS, and are carefully thought out and considered with our own best judgment and parenting philosophies. Her pulling something like this, aside from being downright disgusting and about a gazillion giant leaps over the line, is a way of telling you yes, but also her own son, that she thinks he is not a good parent and that she can still hold him, and by extension YOU, under her thumb. I think the two of you would need to discuss this with each other and with her and draw a new line in the sand. Whatever consequence or ultimatum you are jointly comfortable with. If it were me, I'd tell her that I think that you want her and FIL to have a lovely and long lasting relationship with DD as grandparents certainly can enrich a person's life, but she will HAVE to do things your way. She can share her doubts with someone else because YOU don't want to hear it.

I'd lock myself in the baby's room and nurse and cry and call DH and tell him to get his butt home quick fast and in a hurry and deal with his mother.

[yarngoddess]

I have re-read this thread. I have been thinking about it so much I read it to my DH. He was so upset he got tears in his eyes- he's not a crying kind of guy. He said that had one of his "wonderful"(huge sarcasm) parents pulled this crap he would have kicked them out himself.

I guess I didn't read that MIL tried to stop you, physically BOTH times? Is that right?
W.O.W. I cannot believe how calm and collected you remained. I had my DH's idiot uncle holding my 3 week old DD at a big Easter dinner. He has 3 boys- BTDT but he's an idiot, his wife even breastfed/co-slept with the youngest 2. He was holding DD at the table and 'FAKE' fed her chocolate cake- he was kidding. I JUMPED up and SCREAMED (in front of the whole family like 30 people, oy!) "NO!NO!NO! GIVE ME MY BABY NOW!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HER?????" Every one froze- I'm standing ON my chair geting ready to climb OVER the table to get my daughter when eh says "I didn't feed her, I know better. Please calm down. I was only kidding. Here- see she's safe!" He was so scared- the whole family was so scared. I had to 'make an announcment' through my sobs that he was trying to feed a 3 week old baby chocolate cake. We have serious allergies in this house. I had to leave the table for over an hour. 'Course my other kids followed, as did DH, as did 2 SIL's. I cried for hours. I felt angry and stupid for over-reacting.

My point, of my long OT tirade, is you handled the moment SUPER well. It sounds like this relationship between YOU and HER is not going to ever be good or even decent. I would stop trying to spare her feelings and put up so SERIOUS walls and boundaries. I would not budge on my expectations here. I would not tollerate any negativity from her again. I would also insist that any future visits they must get a motel/hotel/room somewhere other than your house. You ALL need to have a break from eachother. IF you allow them to stay in your home- limit the visits to NO MORE than a week. Gives her less time to sabotage (sp) you.

I'm so sorry momma! I have been thinking of you all day. DH has even talked about you and your situation. Wondering how you are now, and what your DH said when he found out. HUGS!!! HUGS to that sweet baby too! She's a 'could've' baby today! Something could've happened.... I'm just SO glad that she is OK, you are OK, and that you now know BEFORE DD had to endure this for the night!!! Sending you, DD and DH some major Strength vibes.

[Cherry Alive]

Originally Posted by Dahlea

i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
nak

You are very blessed to have a husband who can actually see the way his parents behave, and it sounds like you both came on board with how to deal with them before he chose to cut them out.

Some of us are not so lucky to start out that way. For those of us who aren't, it takes time and patience to build a relationship to that point or you can easily escalate things and ruin your relationship.

This is not to say you give in to toxic inlaws, allow them to step on you, and/or allow them to endanger you or your child (physically or mentally). Rules can be made with your spouse if he or she isn't ready to confront his/her parents. Example - you both agree if your ILs make you uncomfortable or are mean to your DC, that you can cut your visit with them short. You also get to have the option of not visiting them as much if they are nasty. It's not as gratifying as hearing your husband tell them off, but it's certainly a good start.

It really helps to anticipate the actions of these people (if possible), and communicate clearly when situations that arise with your partner before taking any forceful action—with exception. That exception is when the ILs are actively being violent or continuing to endanger you or your child. If they are, all bets can be off.

Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped to make boundaries right away—especially when we grow up in toxic or abusive environments where we are used to being controlled or have to "shut off" to cope with our crazy family. That doesn't mean we don't change. You have to in order to have a healthy marriage, but sometimes that takes a little time and understanding before it happens.

Of course there are situations where partners remain "blind." In those cases, it's best just to get a good attorney and leave them (if marriage counseling doesn't work). Otherwise, the only other option is to get bullied or to end up having to "parent" your partner to do the right thing—and those are both miserable places to be.

Edit: I read some of this thread to my husband. Guess what his reaction was? He said he'd throw the OP's inlaws out in a heartbeat. He said, if he was in the OP's situation—regardless of whether they were my parents or his—he would have resorted to decking whoever grabbed his arm. This really shocked me (in a good way). I guess impending parenthood has made him tougher. It is good to know where he stands if we run into anything like this with either of our families.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

I wouldn't worry about why she did it. I would tell her TO HER FACE there is no way is H-E double hockey sticks she is EVER watching my child again.

That is abuse. I'm so tired of hearing about people from another generation and back in there day and BLAH BLAH BLAH.. It's ABUSE.

I read a study once that prolonged crying like that can eventually lead to brain damage. Maybe you could google that and show her the study.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I know what she's thinking, because my mom was the same way. My mom told me, "That baby needs to learn to sleep in her crib on her own. I took the opportunity to teach her since you're obviously unwilling to do it." It isn't about not wanting to hold the baby. It's about undermining the parents' authority and doing things the parents disapprove of because the chance exists. And if this grandma is alone with that kid again, I PROMISE it will happen again. Every time they are alone together.

My daughter sleeps in her own crib and always has (well a pack a nd play in the beginning in my room) but by the time she was 3 months she was in her own room in her own crib. She may have fussed and whined for 2 minutes but she never had to CIO. I never let that baby scream. It hurts my heart. I guess what I am saying is, not all babies that sleep in cribs are left to scream. I rocked her and eventually I didn't have to do that anymore. I think ppl who let their kids CIO have issues themselves. It's about control.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma

My daughter sleeps in her own crib and always has (well a pack a nd play in the beginning in my room) but by the time she was 3 months she was in her own room in her own crib. She may have fussed and whined for 2 minutes but she never had to CIO. I never let that baby scream. It hurts my heart. I guess what I am saying is, not all babies that sleep in cribs are left to scream. I rocked her and eventually I didn't have to do that anymore. I think ppl who let their kids CIO have issues themselves. It's about control.

I never said "all babies". It was about what my mom did to my baby.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I never said "all babies". It was about what my mom did to my baby.

No no, I wasn't offended. I just wanted to state my experience. I didn't think you were saying they all do at all. I'm sorry your mom did that. My mom tries to impose her will in different ways.. It's annoying!

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma

No no, I wasn't offended. I just wanted to state my experience. I didn't think you were saying they all do at all. I'm sorry your mom did that. My mom tries to impose her will in different ways.. It's annoying!

Ok, good. I didn't want you thinking I thought every baby in a crib had been left to CIO. I have a friend who moved her baby to a crib because he wouldn't sleep at night with her, and as soon as she moved him to a crib he was immediately happy and slept well. All babies are different.

[aran]

Originally Posted by almadianna

You just dont let your MIL watch your baby again. It is that simple.

I agree with this quote.

No need to say anything at all. Actions speak louder. You can just exert your authority over your family and cut MIL out to the extent necessary to make you feel comfortable. A polite "no thanks" and "we're doing great, thanks" followed by a change in topic... or even stone silence... can be your mantra. At some point she'll get it that you are the mom. Eventually she may ask you or DH to be let in again. Then you and DH will be in a position of power, explaining the ground rules to a contrite MIL who has felt the consequences of her actions.

I strongly discourage writing to anyone in email or otherwise about conflict. The document lives forever and can make you look like the wacko when taken out of context.

I recommend all this based on my own experiences. (Well, not so heinous an experience as this CIO one, but nevertheless...)

[2pinks]

Any updates? Has dh gotten home and have you had a chance to talk to him?

I hope for your sake, the sake of your children, and honestly for the sake of your marriage that he behaves like the husband and father he should be. If not, you have a lot more problems on your hands than just your IL's.

[jjawm]

I would be so mad! I definately wouldn't let her babysit ever again, even while I was in the house. What nerve! She clearly has no respect for your parenting.

[Kidzaplenty]

Yes, I was wondering about an update as well. I hope everything worked out good.

[veganone]

Count me in as livid. I would have been FURIOUS and the fact that she laid her hands on you is actually scary. That would lead me to believe that she deals with things physically and would make me scared to leave LO alone with her for a LONG time.

I "fired" my mom from watching DD for several months. It sucked and was horribly uncomfortable, but DD's safety means more than any relationship with anyone, even my own mother (much less my MIL).

I would not leave your baby alone with her again. Period. And I would tell her why. I would also tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never permitted to touch you in that way again.


The fact that she was deceitful and so manipulative makes her completely untrustworthy. I'm glad it sounds like she lives far away so hopefully you won't have to deal with her very much.

I also hope that your DH isn't expecting you to be the one trying to "fix" your relationship with your MIL. She sounds horrible, and your DH should be defending YOU, not her. You're his wife.

[yarngoddess]

bumping for hopes of an update??

[bobandjess99]

wow...I literally would have physically beaten MIL, like punched her repeatedly in the face until they pulled me off.
well, okay, no i wouldn't have, because *I* wouldn't have left dd with someone who I did not know and trust completely.

[Chris10AS]

This thread really got my blood boiling. When I was reading your OP and you mentioned mil grabbing your arm I immediately thought that I would have slapped that UAV.

Update us soon!

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.
i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.

That would be my take on it as well.