When does your life become yours again? - Page 2

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by veganone

This is a long story, but caring for her has ended up being *my* responsibility for more than I can get into here.

I'm sorry -- didn't mean to push something you don't want to get into. I'm sorry though -- its so much easier to do this when its an equal partnership.

[mags]

My kids are preschool aged and I'm *just* starting to feel more like I can get my life back. However, I'm due with baby #3 in the summer. So, I kind of feel like I'm going to have to start all over again.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by Ks Mama

We never gave up playing cards, gaming, movie watching, or reading either. Though in much smaller doses, and at off hours, haha.
I guess things got "easier" or moments alone got more frequent when DD was nearing 18 mo, and MIL was able to take her out for bits of time. We always have time in the evenings to read, watch movies, work, play games, etc. , we always made that important in our lives, so we helped our children & ourselves into a routine that would allow a few hours of adult time after they are in bed. For me though, being 100% focused on any one aspect of my life doesn't work for me. It might work for you.

But... if you can't even get a shower, and WANT one to yourself, I think you need to figure out how to get a few more moments of time for yourself - asking DH or a relative or friend for help, structuring your evenings to have some time, etc.

Oh Ks Mama, what wise words! I agree with you so much!! I have a friend whose mantra is "balance". Too much of anything - even something good - is unbalanced. It might work short term, but our needs - while they can be put off so baby can come first - still exist and are still important to our physical and emotional well being.

Originally Posted by cad's_mommy

By the time I had ds, I had gotten out all of my selfish needs...life being about me & dh only.

I cringed when I read the word selfish. Needing a shower or five minutes alone in the bathroom isn't selfish! Wanting a few minutes to call your mom or sister who lives across the country isn't selfish. Even wanting 30 minutes at the gym or to read a book or grab some groceries without a little person to take care of - well, none of it is selfish in my book. How can we be good mothers if we don't spend any time at all on our own needs - and we do have some no matter how much we love our kids.

Originally Posted by veganone

This is a long story, but caring for her has ended up being *my* responsibility for more than I can get into here. It's not fair, but it is what it is. He's a good dad, but just not one to really step up. He will take her out and about when I really need a nap or something (if she's been up all night), but it's not normal for him to do it and I have to ask explicitly.

He has taken over her bath at night, so I get 20 minutes to wash my face and put on my jammies alone, but once she realizes it's bedtime she completely freaks out if it's not me. We've even talked about me just being gone some nights so that he has to do it, and at some point we probably will resort to this.

You're right that it isn't fair that caring for her is your responsibility solely. I guess I don't understand what you mean by not stepping up. If he will take her out and give her a bath, that is a good starting point in my book. Will it ever be even? Not likely when she is young/nursing, especially if he works outside the house and you don't. But if you need him to help more so you can feel that you've got your minimum needs met, then have that conversation with him.

I started making quick trips to the grocery store alone when dd1 was two weeks old. Dp and I had our first very quick date when she was 3 months old - to a friend's costume Halloween party. Grammy - whom I trust IMPLICITLY - came to our house and watched her. I nursed her, and left EBM in a bottle. We drove to the party, stayed an hour and drove home. When she was 16 months old and stopped nursing, I started volunteering for two hours per week (like Thursdays from 6-8 p.m.) at a local no-kill animal shelter. It was just two hours, but I remember loving that little break. She was home and happy with her daddy.

Over the decade that I was a SAHM to our three girls, I just slowly got more time to myself as they gained independence. It happens just a tiny bit at a time IME. But we can help or hinder that process. I think that dad should be able to do everything you do except nurse. Of course when they are little, they often prefer our way of doing things - putting them to sleep especially. But dad can do it (I couldn't watch with dd1 as his way seemed so inferior to my way ) and you will all be much happier with the end result if he does.

I think at what ages you gain more time to yourself depends on your child's personality, your own needs, and your support system - who you trust to care for her for short periods of time. In my case that was dp, Grammy, or Auntie in the beginning. It extended to a few of my dear friends, and eventually a babysitter who came very highly recommended when dd1 was three.

If you are wanting some bits of time for yourself (which I think is totally reasonable by the way) and dp can't help for whatever reason, do you have a mom/sister/best friend who you trust to come over for a bit or take her on a walk in the stroller or ? Even little breaks can be very refreshing.

I hope you find a happy balance that works for all three of you.

[veganone]

Thanks for the comments. I shouldn't have been so derogatory about DH. He's a great dad and husband. I do a lot more of her care than he does, but I don't think that's so uncommon at her age. We both work FT. His taking over bath was a huge help, and he cooks dinner almost every night. We don't have nearly enough time alone as a couple for sure, but we both miss her since we both work. We have had a couple of evenings out alone, but honestly only 2 in 16 months!

I do have some me time, but it's still a matter of fitting it in and accommodating DD. I'm just wondering when she'll be independent enough to not need me quite so constantly. Like school age maybe?

I really am not meaning to complain about my life. I love my life and my daughter and DH and am incredibly lucky and blessed to have the life I have. I am just wondering, you know?

Sorry if it came out whiny at all - that's not my intention.

[EnviroBecca]

This article gives a different perspective on the whole thing that I really like: Your life never was just yours, and it never will be...but you need balance so you can be an effective mother instead of a burned-out wreck!

Keep asking for more help from your husband, a little bit at a time. It's much easier to share parenting as the baby gets older and less bodily connected to mama!

[PPK]

Originally Posted by veganone

Thanks for the comments. I shouldn't have been so derogatory about DH. He's a great dad and husband. I do a lot more of her care than he does, but I don't think that's so uncommon at her age. We both work FT. His taking over bath was a huge help, and he cooks dinner almost every night. We don't have nearly enough time alone as a couple for sure, but we both miss her since we both work. We have had a couple of evenings out alone, but honestly only 2 in 16 months!

I do have some me time, but it's still a matter of fitting it in and accommodating DD. I'm just wondering when she'll be independent enough to not need me quite so constantly. Like school age maybe?

I really am not meaning to complain about my life. I love my life and my daughter and DH and am incredibly lucky and blessed to have the life I have. I am just wondering, you know?

Sorry if it came out whiny at all - that's not my intention.

FWIW, I didn't think you were complaining at all. DH is the same way and has gradually gotten better (ds is 18 months). I work about 30 hrs./week and dh is full time. Although, I get less sleep as I work nights so it makes getting through the days challenging at times.

Anyways, not to get on my own rant...just wanted to let you know I hear ya, it's tougher when you don't get a ton of help! Showing appreciation for what dh did help with seemed to help him feel acknowledged and was willing to help more.

[sparkly]

I feel the same way--taking a shower is laughable (ds is 9 mo). It's frustrating--there's so many things I like to do, like read, sleep, bathe, think...but I know that once he's independent (and especially when the kids are all older) I will miss having a little warm guy who wants nothing than to be held by me. So I'm enjoying every minute, and telling myself that all my other interests will still be there when I can no longer have little needy children around.

Can you work part time, from home, or not at all (well, first, would you enjoy any of that)? I don't work, which means I have a baby glued to me 23.5 hours a day, but I also have the time to get to enjoy him. I'd be a wreck if I had to cram my life into the hours around work! I don't know if you'd miss your career too much to consider it, but if not, you can always go way on a budget (dh is a grad student, so we live on a stipend, which is budgeting to an extreme) and maybe have a little more peace in your day.

[Norasmomma]

veganone-it's the age of your LO, I swear my DD was the absolute hardest between 13-18 months, months 14-16 being the worst of the worst-and I tell every one I know that. DD was a PITA for awhile then, she teethed constantly for all of those months. I have to say I resorted a few Baby Einstein days and I don't care who knows about it, I had to have some sanity moments for the health of our family, and if watching a 20 minute DVD made her happy well we did it.

It sounds like your DH does do well, and well you may have to do what I did and just say you're frazzled and can't do it all by yourself. My Dh seemed to think I was all fine and good, until one night I just snapped. I was sick of always taking her to bed, and had been hinting to DH about it(well men don't get hints, they just don't). It all came out and then things shifted, and he started helping me put her to bed, then another shift happened and she hasn't really wanted me to put her to bed for 6 months or so, for awhile it was DADDY all. the. time.

It does get better, but will you ever have "me" time again-well yes, but it will not be as much as it used to. I now really don't care much about it, I do like to sit and read a cooking magazine or take a bath, I do get to do those things. Honestly IDK if life ever becomes completely yours again, but it will become a much more livable situation.

[cjuniverse]

Well, I have 50-50 custody of my son, so my situation is different.

When he turned 2 (before the 50-50), I felt a release. I felt the burden of intense work from the infant stage lift, and I felt freer.

As he grows, he gets more and more independent. More and more opportunities to make space for me.

I think it gets better every year.

[annethcz]

By the time my oldest was 2-3 years old, I was regularly going out in the evenings while DH stayed home with the kiddos. That was nice. At the very worst, I'd bring the baby with me, but by then it seemed like a piece of cake to take a non-mobile, nursing baby with me as opposed to taking my entire brood.

Right now my youngest is 5, and I feel like my life is mostly mine again. I have to take my children into account when making plans, but they are completely fine without me. The intensive-parenting days are over, the kids are becoming more self-sufficient everyday, and I have lots of time to pursue my own interests.

[veganone]

I think maybe some folks are missing my original post:

Originally Posted by veganone

I'm not anxious for this to happen, but I wonder when it might. I'm okay with my life revolving around DD - I had 34 years to focus on myself. But I do look forward to sitting on the couch and reading a book or being able to take a long shower, or go shopping for myself...

When did you feel like life wasn't 100% focused on the LO?

I'm not complaining, or feeling suffocated, or overwhelmed. I'm just curious when the kiddos get more independent and less all-encompassing. I actually adore this age. She's the most fun she's ever been right now. But, she's still pretty much all-encompassing. At least I CAN shower now, and let her run around the bedroom. But she still comes in and knocks on the door several times and gets impatient for me to get out.

We are on the fence about another one, too, so I'm just wondering how many years I have before it's a little less about them and a little more about me.

I love my life, honest! :

I do appreciate the comments and support.

[octobermom]

Okay I know its a tiny thing but the day my DD could independently sit up on her own was sooo freeing

Deanna

[SquishyBuggles]

My girls both started playing well independently around 18-24 months or so. My youngest is 26 months and a lot of time is still focused on her, of course, but I find that I can catch 30 minutes to myself here and there now.

[GooeyRN]

When dd turned 2, I found she would watch a video or PBS for 1/2 hr. I would have to potty her, give her milk, etc. first, though. Then I knew I had a little "me" time. I got my shower then. As she got older, she would self entertain for longer intervals, then came ds when she was 25 months, so it started over! She is 3 now, and still requires a lot from me (she is high needs) but she is still WAY easier now than she was as a young toddler. She can sit with crayons for 1/2 hr now, or give her something really messy to do and she will self entertain for awhile. However, she is a total chatter box and does not stop talking! They do eventually stop climbing on you and ripping the books out of your hands. I am really waiting for ds to get to that point, too. He is now 13 months.

[Queen of Cups]

Maybe its because my kids are less than 18 months apart and thus very competitive over toys/games/playing, but only just recently have I started to have spurts of having any time to myself while at home, feeling like my own person, etc. When the both started school (DS's in kindergarten this year and DD is in preschool) it was a big step forward, obviously. I do demand a day off a couple times a month, where I go out for the day and DH is responsible for this kids - I'm referring to times I'm at home here.

[becoming]

I think it's probably very different for me and you, because I have older kids that the LO wants to do everything with, and that gives me a lot more breathing room. When I only had one child, it was probably 2.5 years or so before I got any me time when he was in the house.