Standard of Parenting...Do you meet it?

[janasmama]

I grew up in a household that was less than ideal for raising children (i.e. physical, verbal, emotional abuse, etc.)

While I'm learning to deal with what happened to me as a child/teen, I am at the same time raising my children and trying to be the 'good' mother.

Often times I feel like I have set a really high bar for my own parenting and when I don't meet it I feel so frustrated and think that I can never really be that mother that I want to be. This sort of creates a sense of failure....like a throw in the towel type of failure.

I'm wondering if any of you feel that a history of abuse in your life has made you set your parenting bar close to perfection which in reality is impossible to achieve.

If you have, how do you think we can set a more reasonable goal with our parenting so that we don't feel like throwing in the towel?

I hope I'm clear on this....if not, ask away so that I can clarify as we go.

[Storm Bride]

I have some abuse in my background, but my real problem is my temper, which started when I hit puberty. It's not like it used to be, but I still have it. It tends to go off when I'm really tired and stressed. DS2 is a huge handful and I'm really tired (never quite pulled out of my lousy mental state when I lost my baby in '07 and I'm really tired from pregnancy and I'm sick)...so I'm not at my best right now. I'm yelling a lot. I come close to completely losing it when ds2 hurts me, which he does far too often (kicked me in the breasts with boots on yesterday, for example).

It affects my parenting in a direct way, obviously, as I'm not being a good parent when I'm screaming at my kids. It also affects my parenting indirectly, because whenever I fail to live up to the standard I want to reach, I get more down on myself...and end up being even more short-tempered.

I'm a work in progress.

[Sierra]

I don't have the same history you do, but I do tend to set impossibly high standards for myself, and it is deep spiritual work for me to learn to accept that I can't meet those kind of standards.

[annettemarie]

I call it "Parenting from a Deficit". It's so hard to know what is and isn't good mothering when you've never had any sort of example.

I have found that, ten years into my journey, I've learned to be a lot gentler on myself, my children, even other mothers. I think there's a perspective that comes with time (and in my case, four kids).

But yes, it's hard. It's an every day sort of struggle.

[nummies]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I have some abuse in my background, but my real problem is my temper, which started when I hit puberty. It's not like it used to be, but I still have it. It tends to go off when I'm really tired and stressed.

I'm a work in progress.

This is me. I have a horrible temper sometimes. I am constantly working to control it. It is hard at times.

[rightkindofme]

I come from a background of severe abuse. I had to go out and do research on child development in order to have any idea of what "healthy" looks like. Most of what I have learned is that harm springs from excess and I need to strive for moderation. At this point my daughter is only seven months old and she's a really mellow baby so I know I haven't been tested. I hope that when she gets older and less willing to do what I want when I want that I will be able to be gentle with her and with myself as I learn how to parent her.

I don't think I have a parenting ideal beyond "Do what is best for Shanna and for me" and I don't think that will look any particular way. But who am I to talk? The biggest saying in our house is: "The key to happiness is low expectations."

[ABmom]

I didn't come from an abusive home although my parents were very strict. They believe in spanking and their words were law. Yet despite it all I still feel loved by them. I do have this image of what a perfect family/parent would be and I don't really see my parents as fitting the mold. There are many aspects of them that I like to follow but in today's standard they are not the prefect gentle loving parents.

Yes when I first became a parent, I wanted so much to set the standard higher and to not be like my mom. But reality sets in and (wisdom with age) I learned that I am slowly becoming like my mom (just not as authorative). My parenting style is gentler and the standards are not high as before. This lesson I learned from my mom. She told me that there is no Mother of the Year Award so why stress myself over it. The best reward a parent can ever get is the love they get from their children now and in the future.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by nummies

This is me. I have a horrible temper sometimes. I am constantly working to control it. It is hard at times.

Me too. I believe it is directly related to my background. When you're raised by control freak abusers and you feel like you have no control over anything, the quickest way to upset as an adult is to feel like you have no control, right?

Tired, stressed and feeling like nothing is going my way and I can't fix it?

I also get resentful when my dcs are whiny or unappreciative. My parents gave me no choices at all, and here I give them choices and ask their opinions about things instead of just dictating, and in return I get sarcasm and a complete disregard for what they have? I feel like I'm a much better parent than mine were, why don't you see it? I would have killed for the opportunity to decide something for myself at their age.

Of course, it's no secret where they learned sarcasm. Of all the things we could have passed on to them, this is the one that sticks?

[mytwogirls]

I JUST got done yelling at my almost 3 year old girl because she insists on keeping the fridge door open but not wanting anything so I feel like crap right now Yes I set a VERY VERY high bar for myself and feel awful I don't meet it. I fear I will grow into my mother, who was very emotionally abusive. I know I don't WANT to, but my temper can just get away from me if I let it (I don't usually but today has been the exception.) It is very hard to keep things in check once you have been subjected to extreme abuse like I have as a child. It was physical, emotionally and verbal abuse I dealt with. My parents are no longer in my life, but I am trying to do better. I am seriously thinking of a parental counselor or anger management classes so this is really odd this thread got started. I am ashamed of myself and embarrassed it has come to this point, but I don't want my girls to end up like I have. I want them to have happy memories of their childhood and of me. My DH is VERY much a loving dad, never raises a hand or voice to the girls and supports me in every way, shape and form of this. (I DO NOT HIT by the way or spank or CIO, just in case anyone was wondering) so yes it can be very hard.

[earthus76]

I'm in the same boat, but learning to be kinder to myself. I just finished reading the book "Mothering without a Map." I highly recommend it to any mother that cannot use her own mother as a guide for mothering.

[janasmama]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

I also get resentful when my dcs are whiny or unappreciative. My parents gave me no choices at all, and here I give them choices and ask their opinions about things instead of just dictating, and in return I get sarcasm and a complete disregard for what they have?

This is totally the way I feel. I don't really expect them to understand the difference because the only thing they have to go by is me.

But even when I explain to them why my daughter shouldn't rip her clothes off the hanger and put holes in them from the hanger she doesn't get it....so maybe I should stop buying her the clothes she is asking for because she is mistreating them.

[butterfly_mommy]

I come from a household of absentee parents and a screamer mom and a dad who would pretty much ignore us until we pissed him off and then he would yell and use his bigness to terrify us (my dad never hit me, my mom slapped me a few times and we got into a fist fight when I was 15 ) Anyway I have incredible high standards for my parenting and have a really hard time achieving them and when I do make a "mistake" I beat myself up emotionally and with food. Which makes me feel even worse because I don't want DS to have to deal with an emotional mess for a mom. I also am prone to depression, anxiety and panic attacks (I'm a mess )

Anyway today DS woke up after only having a 20 min nap and we had swimming this afternoon so I was upset as I know that he would be less patient getting dressed after the class and that makes me get very anxious. I was mad, i was mad at him for only sleeping for 20 minutes and when I came into the bedroom and lied down on the bed to try to get him to go back to sleep he was fighting me and I said rather loudly "Why are you doing this today when we have swim lessons, this is so not cool" I guess I scarred him and he started to cry I felt horrible and like a really horrible abusive parent. i scooped him up and hugged him and kissed him and told him i was so sorry. I still feel crappy about it but luckily he has forgiven me. Every time I do something like that I feel as if I am destroying our relationship

[LavenderMae]

I came from a similiar childhood and I have the same issues. I have set the bar way too high for myself and it makes me feel like a failure much of the time but it's hard to let go of my ideals eventhough I know I can not reach them.

I also struggle with my children seeming to be ungrateful because with all my failings I would still have loved to have me for a mother instead of who I got (at least I would have had a mother). But logically I know children should not be grateful for having the things they should have anyway and most of all they didn't ask to be here, I chose to have them. I grew up in a house hold where I was made to feel guilty basically for just existing and made to feel like an ingrate because I might accidently forget to turn off a light or something (money doesn't grow on trees afterall ). With out a doubt I was a burden and that is one thing that has been extremely hard to shake.
Most of all I feel so guilty that because of my own childhood I can not or do not reach my potential as a mother and my children deserve so much more.
But I can honestly say I almost always am doing the best I can and I'm always striving for more eventhough I often fail. I love my children immensely and I hope if nothing else they always know that (I tell them often).

[Murihiku]

I have decided that one way to happiness is to set yourself low standards, and then keep surprising yourself by exceeding them. So instead of setting out to be a "good mother" I decided I'd try to be a mostly decent mother most of the time. I think I am. I do have some guilt about not doing better but I can see my children are happy most of the time because most of the time I'm relaxed and happy with myself.

Our culture is always selling us ideals of perfection and achievement. That makes us all unhappy of course--and in swoop the advertisers!

Here's a fridge magnet slogan I enjoy: "If the kids are alive by 5 p.m., I've done my job."

(Having said all that, I am not from an abusive background and I don't want to trivialize serious struggles.)

[mytwogirls]

Originally Posted by butterfly_mommy

"Why are you doing this today when we have swim lessons, this is so not cool" I guess I scarred him and he started to cry I felt horrible and like a really horrible abusive parent. i scooped him up and hugged him and kissed him and told him i was so sorry. I still feel crappy about it but luckily he has forgiven me. Every time I do something like that I feel as if I am destroying our relationship

Exactly this! I find myself doing this more and more frequently and it is really hurting me deep down in my heart. My girl is 3. I keep saying "I am going to change and not yell." Then I yell. Then I think "Oh my gosh. Will she remember when she is older how I yelled at her when she threw her truck across the room at her sister? Will she remember how upset I was she wouldn't eat anything at lunch and asked for a PPJ an hour later?" It just sucks

[amrijane128]

Wow, I really like this thread, I totally feel like I can relate. I'll be back my computer is dying!

[Super Glue Mommy]

I could have written your post. (HUGS) I dont have advice but this is an excellent thread topic. thank you! I most agree with feeling like I cannot be the parent I want to be. I am envious that it comes so easily for some people. I feel like I need therapy to heal my past so I can be a better mother

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by Sierra

I don't have the same history you do, but I do tend to set impossibly high standards for myself, and it is deep spiritual work for me to learn to accept that I can't meet those kind of standards.

I'm the same way. I have no abuse in my family history, but I feel like I'm constantly being 'watched' in some way, shape or form and being criticized for the choices I make for my DS. I think I've set pretty high standards for myself as well and it's a daily chore for me to acknowledge that I AM a great mom and that I'm doing what I feel is right for my family.

[LynnS6]

Here's my view from the "other" side -- I grew up with decent, but by no means perfect, parents.

Because of that, I learned that parents can be fallible, but still love their children. Parents can do things they 'shouldn't', but still develop healthy strong relationships. No, my parents shouldn't have spanked. Yes, they yelled sometimes. Yeah, there's probably more guilt in our family than I'd like. Yeah, it's hard to talk about some issues.

Just remember, if you're a 'perfect' parent, your kids won't see how you recover from mistakes, how you apologize, and how you make amends! Perfect parents don't exist, except in the figment of someone's imagination. Do you really want June Cleaver as a mother?

[Mom2Ian]

I struggle with this too. My parents were not abusive, but in some ways I did not have the "stability" I felt I needed and I sometimes did not feel like a priority. I spent more time with my grandmother than probably was healthy for me, and a lot of the time I did not feel as though my needs/wants were as much of a family consideration as they should have been. Not particularly abusive, but also not something I want DS to experience.

I have set the bar pretty high for myself and need to remind myself often that I am a good Mom. Because of my experiences and my perfectionism, I have a really hard time when relatives (or strangers even...lol) give me parenting advice. My MIL and my grandmother in particular have very different ideas about parenting and are not shy about expressing them. I get incredibly angry/annoyed/anxious when they express their unsolicited opinions and have to really work at "letting it go."

Since DS is only 10 months I have not yet dealt with some of the frustrations that you mamas have, and my heart goes out to you. I'm sure I'll be in the same boat someday soon.

When I am feeling the most balanced and at peace I try to be thankful for all of the experiences I have had, positive and negative, that have helped me to be the person that I am today (and of course I was not abused, so this isn't that difficult). I try to remind myself that I AM a good Mom, that it is okay to make mistakes, everyone does, and maybe some of the experiences I have had have made me a better person and a better Mom by adding to my determination. Hard to remember, but I try...lol