New sibling question

[birdie22]

What do you think of this theory?

I was watching a PBS documentary last night called "Worlds of Childhood," a series about early childhood development. This episode was about sibling rivalry.

One of the psychologists interviewed said that her experience has shown that happy sibling relationships start when the mother talks with the older sibling about the baby, almost on a peer basis. For example, saying to a child as young as 2, "The baby is crying... what do you think is bothering him? Maybe he needs a diaper change? Let's go see if he has a wet diaper." Not just asking for the older sib to participate in care, but specifically talking about it and consulting over it.

It struck me, because I really don't do this. I don't think it feels natural to me. I would have even thought it was not a good idea, because it might foster a feeling of insecurity. Like, 'Why is she asking me? Doesn't she know? Uh-oh, I don't really know either."

I am more likely to give him a specific task, such as "It's time for D's bath; would you please get a towel from the closet?" Other times, I "interpret" for him, telling him why the baby's crying, or pointing out something that he likes.

I also thought it was odd that it was the first time I'd heard of this, despite reading several books on sibling relationships. I can see where it might foster a sense of empathy for the baby, and an engagement with mom rather than having her distracted by the new baby.

The show was made in the early '90s. I don't remember the expert's name, but she was from Penn State, and she seemed very AP-friendly.

So is this true? Should I try to do it more, or just relax and be myself?

[Murihiku]

That is an interesting theory! I think I do it sometimes with my older one--there is a five-year age gap, though.

You could try it "her" way sometimes and "your" way at other times and see what happens: as far as experiments on children go, I think that would be the most benign and harmless one possible!

[cosmos]

I don't know. I think every child feels important for different reasons in different ways. Some children would probably do better if they felt they were running the show, others if they did an accomplishable task to help with the baby, and still others seem to never be phased. In my family, I always looked at the children who got the new sib as trying to make sure they had abundant amounts of what they needed whether it was attention, to be the helper, to be the playmate, etc. I would try to set it up so whatever they needed to be was a possiblity. My oldest definitely wanted to be a helper, but like you say, she usually trusted me to know the answers.

[hedgewitch]

That sounds like a great idea to me! I often see really good results with my ds when he is in "why" mode if I say "Why do you think?" 9/10 he'll provide an answer. I love the idea of involving him in this way so that he feels part of the solution, I do it in lots of other areas so it makes sense.

Thanks for posting this, I will try this when our new little bean arrives :

PS I don't think a child would really be thinking "Hmmm, your the expert mum, can't I trust you anymore?" I think children 'get' the whole consultation thing, as long as an appropriate solution is reached usually with mum's help I'm sure they would enjoy being part of things rather than just doing fetch and carry. That said I think a 2 year old would prefer specific tasks whereas my ds at 3.5 would like to be 'involved'.

[Ks Mama]

I talked with DD about DS from the moment I knew I was pregnant. We always talked about the whys, how DS might feel, etc. And once he was born, this continued. I also give specific tasks, but always talked about why baby was crying, and what could we do to help. I believe treating baby like an equal absolutely helps foster empathy. I think it is very AP. I treat my children the way I would like to be treated.

[alexsam]

Knowing what a baby is "saying" or needs is not exclusive to mothers, nor is it outrageously complicated (most of the time- hunger, discomfort, boredom, tired, etc.). My 4 yr old ds is very able to say "The baby is frustrated because he wants to see my ball!" or "He's crying because he wants to nurse..." or "Can you pick him up? He's done playing on the floor.". Small children are very good at FEELING others, and babies work only on non-verbal communication. I often ask/talk with my ds about what he thinks the baby wants or is feeling and he is 99% of the time right on. And he is also very good at trying to fill those needs. There is nothing like a big sibling to make faces, sing songs, mop up drool, and hold gently... . I very much trust my 4 yr old to know what baby needs and genuinely listen to his ideas and oppinions. He really listens to the baby in a way we adults have to "try" to do and usually over think the whole thing! I still have to remind him to be gentle occasionally, and sometimes they have "competing needs" (like, they both want to be carried at the same time, or one is hungry and the other is cold), but overall, my older son truly does have a real role in caring for the baby... and he loves that and profoundly loves his brother.

And, I am so lucky. Their relationship as siblings has been nothing short of magical :.

[michelle123]

I think kids in general like to be treated as independent thinkers and involved. I haven't really tried this theory with my DDs, but it worked so well with my students. They came alive whenever they felt I was seriously asking their advice or to help me with an educational problem. So I can see how it would work with siblings as well.

[Ygle]

I've always done this with my kids, but that's what felt natural to me. I do this with all aspects of our lives though, not just the siblings.

[judyH]

I believe the theory of involving your older child is important

What the psychologist is saying does make sense to me. When you ask questions like "The baby is crying. What do you think is bothering him? ", you are actually involving your older child in the process of caring for the baby. It makes him think deeper and interact with you and the younger sibling. It'll also make him feel important that his mother is involving him. Kids are still kids. They will not think like adults do like "why is my mum asking me? Doesn't she know this?". (with the exception of possibly older kids like teenagers).
I have tried this many times with my 3 year old when my baby arrives. I even got my older kid to rub the back of my baby during bath time. The kids simply loved it!

[LilWin]

Yes, I believe this can work. It's about creating understanding about emotions and needs, I think. Also helps the older sibling relate to the baby, because he/she knows what it feels like to be hungry/tired etc.

I hadn't thought about it either, it's interesting. Unconsciously I tried this with DD a while ago. DS really wanted something (can't remember what) and I didn't agree. I gave him an explanation as to why he wasn't getting it and he threw a fit. I said to DD: "hey, your brother wants XYZ and I don't think he should have it. What should I do?" She looked at him, thought for a minute and said in a serious voice: "just say no". I loved her solution! I ask her for solutions about (small) things regularly because I once read it helps creative thinking. Don't know if that's true, but I love hearing what she comes up with!

[mama_mojo]

I think it depends on the child and the age of the child.

For me, DS did enjoy telling me what his littlest sister wanted; he was five when she was born. DD1 did not and does not like to feel responsibility she did not request. She would have been upset to discover I was not taking care of things on my own. However, she loved having an OCCASIONAL job when DD2 was a baby. DD1 was 3 when DD2 was born.

Now, I just don't see any sibling rivalry, but I'm old enough to know it's not because I did everything right. The theory does not sound like a harmful idea. I might phrase things differently, though. I might say, "I think baby needs a nap, what do you think?" or "Baby sounds hungry, doesn't she?" I guess I would be reluctant to emphasize too much their role in caring for baby, because it's not ultimately their job.

[Kidzaplenty]

For me, the interacting (which I do believe is very important) is less in the "asking them stuff" and more in the "acting and reacting with". Meaning, I let my children hold, touch, and care for the LO as often as they want, so long as it does not interfere with naps or feeding. This includes the Youngers.

It usually freaks most people out to see my four year old carrying around the baby. But as long as the baby does not mind and I trust the four year old to not drop him, I let him do it. (As I have with each baby and their older siblings.) It creates a bond. The youngest sibling tends to take "ownership" of the baby ("My Brother"). And I have never had any sibling rivalry between them and a newborn baby.

[becoming]

I personally think sibling rivalry has more to do with the personalities of individual kids, but this can't hurt!