Approaching MIL about food issues

[Clairesoula]

Hi, I work 4 days a week as does my DH. 3 days a week my ds is with his Grandma and Grandpa. Overall I'm satisfied with the care he's getting there and am grateful he's with family. In the past when issues have come up we've brought them up but MIL always gets defensive.....and that makes me upset. It's hard to bring things up to her because she just doesn't do well with any of it. Now, I consider the way I'm doing this to be respectful and concerned. I state what I'm concerned about and why and then say what I'd like to have happen. Right now I am concerned about ds's diet while he's there. I pack him food every day and several months ago the main part of lunch wouldn't get eaten. I asked about it and my MIL said he just isn't hungry. I didn't worry too much but over the past months he comes home with none of the food I send being touched. AND he isn't eating dinner with us. He is done eating before he gets home. So 3 days a week I feed him breakfast and have no idea what he's eaten for the rest of the day. This week I know from DH that they had Mac and Cheese 3 times. I know last week they had Mac and Cheese once and she took him to McD's. My DH and his brother both have had weight issues their whole lives so I'm a little concerned about setting good diet habits right from the get go. MIL said..well sometimes he just gets his mind set on something. Well, of course, he's 2. But really has he had any veggies at all for 3 days a week for how long? I know I have a valid concern, but I want to present it in a good way. How do I tell her to stand up to my 2 year old and feed him good food?
Thanks

[Norasmomma]

I don't know what to say, but I am a SAHM with a 2 y/o old and for the last 3 days all she wants is Mac n Cheese, peaches, yogurt and milk. Oh I guess she did have a couple carrots sticks, but I found one all shriveled up on the floor.

He may really not want to be eating-he's 2, it happens all. the. time. with my DD and I am with her constantly.

If it's a concern why don't you send some organic mac n cheese or something? What is in his lunch? My DD only eats certain things sometimes, and much of the times she doesn't eat much of anything. Then she has hungry days and eats a ton. Toddlers are notorious for being fickle little creatures, especially when it comes to food. It may not be your MIL at all.

[mommabear207]

maybe you could just say you'd like him to eat what you send. if he is hungry he'll eat it if not he'll eat when he gets home. it sounds like shes using "well he wasn't hungry" as an excuse to feed him what she wants. even if you do tell her he has to eat so many fruit or veggies a day it sounds like she may say ok but then keep doing what she's already doing-after all how are you going to be able to tell?
my ds is also 2 and i know how they can get one thing stuck in their heads but thats what we're there for. i don't know about your lo but while ds may say no he doesn't want to eat ___ he doesn't say take me to Mc D's. and usually if i offer ___ it again later hes fine with it.
i have trouble talking with my MIL too. maybe dh could say something?

[paquerette]

I think you should come up with a list of banned foods, a list of acceptable foods, provide the good foods, and make a rule that anything that isn't on either list needs to be talked about (obviously you're not going to divide every possible food into those lists). But of course the hard part is how to approach her without it turning into an issue, and I'm not sure what to say there. It sounds like she's the kind of person who cannot handle any kind of criticism and there's just nothing you can do to make that right.

[Clairesoula]

Thanks, I know toddlers can be fickle, but he eats what we put in front of him at home and even if he insists on only eating yogurt, we remind him what we are eating and that that's his choice. What I send for food is a piece of fruit, some graham crackers or other snacky thing, one container of "lunch" main course...usually something from dinner the night before and I only send the leftovers that he ate and liked. If he really refused to eat it, I don't send it for lunch the next day. I also usually send something like a piece of cheese or some other snack type food like freeze dried peas.
I just think that 3 days a week for at least another year is a significant amount of time to not know what he's eating. I know at daycare places they feed your kid what you send with them and some places give you some kind of daily report. I don't think I could ask her to do that (the report) without her feeling super defensive and like I'm checking on every little thing, I just want a lot more communication at this point so I can "make up" for it. I'm not feeding ds a treat of Mac N cheese if he's already eaten it for 3 days. That drives my dh crazy though as he doesn't want me to change my behavior around to accomodate his Mom. Same thing for an "approved food list" I don't think I could get her to do it without a big deal. I wouldn't even mind if she fed him whatever they were going to eat already as their diet isn't horrible. I just don't think they would choose Mac and Cheese for 3 days in a row if my 2 yr old wasn't screaming for it. KWIM?
Am I over reacting?
My only other concern with just telling her to feed him what I send is I don't want him to truly not want something and forbid her to offer anything else and make it like...you need to eat this or you can't have any other food.

[dex_millie]

I don't think you are overacting. If that is what your toddler was use to then your MIL could just be wanting to give him what she wants. If your MIL introduced 'new foods' he never had before and they are more 'tasty' because they are junk then that is what he will want over by Grandma now.

Your DH needs to talk to his mom about you all concerns about food.

[mrspineau]

It's funny how people are with food eh? Like how some people would think that was no big deal, while many others, myself included, would definetely be concerned. I suggest that if she gets defensive, you explain to her that you want to ensure that your child is as healthy as he can be, and that an enormous part of health is proper nutrition. Yes, mac and cheese is delicious, and so is macdonalds, and of course if given the choice most two year olds would pick the junk. But it is also something that we as parents and caregivers teach them and it is our job to make sure that those kind of things remain as occasional treats, and not as a usual meal. I don't know, that's what I would say. But it's rough with inlaws. I hope that she takes it well and I think that you are warrented in your concern.

[Clairesoula]

I think I am going to have to just present this as I really want to be the best Mom I can and really, I just want to know WHAT he's eating for now. If I see patterns that are a problem, then we can address them. I know that's not asking too much, I'm just hoping to do it as tactfully as possible so she feels like my partner in this, not like I'm accusing her of anything. It may have just been a strange week this week or maybe they were extra tired and didn't want to deal with the tantrum. Maybe most weeks they are eating a healthy variety. Just now I don't know and if 3 days of Mac and Cheese IS the norm....well then I do have a problem and an address it having some idea what I'm talking about.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Can you phrase it as "Dr's Orders"?

For instance, dr told you ds is doing great, but because of toddler pickiness you should be offering a balanced diet on a daily basis to keep him in the habit.

If you don't like fibbing, surely there's a Dr. somewhere on MDC who can help us out here!

[hedgewitch]

If it is Dh's mum I would say he needs to address this with her. I've no specific suggestions about how to handle her but I can say I would be doing my nut about something like this! Diet is something very important to me, for lots of reasons and I really would not allow anyone else to make a decision that I think is soley down to me and dp. As you are sending the food there is no excuse, it sounds like she is wanting to be popular by giving him something he sees as a 'treat'.

The food thing would be a make or break for me so I can totally understand your worry and upset. I hope it gets sorted out!

[Tigerchild]

I hate to say this, but are you reliant on her (as in, perhaps you don't pay her, because you can't afford another provider)?

Because to be blunt, you probably can't make her do what you want, if talking to her politely hasn't worked. The only thing you can do is fire her after that point.

So if you're not willing to do that, then probably you're going to have to find a way to compromise or grin and bear it.

I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it sounds like you have tried talking gently and directly with her about it. So now you need to figure out if you're willing to call the bluff or not.

[Clairesoula]

I think after seeing responses and typing my answers that I want to start by just checking in about what he had to eat, much like checking in about how well he napped etc. Hopefully she won't feel that's too invasive. If I decide she needs to make some changes like only feeding him what I send, I actually think she would do it (I don't THINK she'd sneak him stuff if I said no etc, especially since he can talk well and could out her at any time) so I don't think I need to call on a higher authority like a Dr. I guess I'm just going to say that I really want to be proactive about his food and that it would help me a lot if we just communicated more about it. I'm not against occasional Mac and Cheese. I am against no veggie intake 3 days a week. But I'm not going to say that this time around. I'm just going to tell her I'd love more info.

[mamazee]

Is there any way to have your dh handle it? It's his mom so she might respond better if he says something.

Otherwise, tracking what he eats is a good first step. I presume this is free childcare, in addition to the benefit of a family member doing the care, so I understand your desire to tread lightly.

[Tigerchild]

Another thought...why not tell ask her to just write down what he DOES eat for the next two weeks. Don't pick at it or anything, just smile and thank her when she does.

Once you look at a longer term picture (with no pressure, so she's more likely to be honest) then discuss things from there?

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Clairesoula

Hi, I work 4 days a week as does my DH. 3 days a week my ds is with his Grandma and Grandpa.

If MIL isn't easy to talk to about your concerns, what about FIL? Have you tried addressing your concerns with him?

[Clairesoula]

We are somewhat dependent on her. We actually can afford daycare, but if that was our option, I'd probably stay home. Baby #2 is on the way in July and I can put up with it till then. If it is really a problem, I could make the choice to just stay home. Then the occasional times she would watch him, she can spoil him like that without it being such a big impact on his health. Really, I'm not positive there is a real diet problem going on, but I don't know and that's the real problem right now. It may be that diet is a real problem and once I know more I can tell that. If there is, we'll lay out some new expectations for sure and if she doesn't follow that, well then we can re-evaluate. This is a serious issue for me, but I don't want to blow it up in a way that we can't work together. I am not upset *with her* about the food stuff per se right now. I'm upset I don't know more about what he's eating and why he's not eating what I send. I need more info before I make it a big issue.

[Shakti77]

Could you tell her to not feed him dinner or not give him anything after 4 pm? And that you want to have him at your table for dinner, as a family experience....or something like that??

That way, you can be sure he gets something good to eat atleast for dinner?

[joensally]

Originally Posted by Shakti77

Could you tell her to not feed him dinner or not give him anything after 4 pm? And that you want to have him at your table for dinner, as a family experience....or something like that??

That way, you can be sure he gets something good to eat atleast for dinner?

I think this is the best route. I would say something like "DH and I have really been missing have DS at the dinner table three days a week, especially after being away from him all day. Can I request a change in the way we do things regading DS's meals? How about I pack some snacks and you take care of his lunch. Maybe stop snacks by 330 or so, and then he'll be hungry for dinner when he gets home."

IMO and IME using family for childcare, it's best to compromise where you can. If he eats a bit of crap 3 days per week, boosted by healthy snacks and a good breakfast/dinner, he'll be fine.

If I fastforward to when I'm the grandma and hopefully fortunate enough to have my grandchild with me 3 days per week, I would want to nourish and care for that grandchild. I would want to have some control over it. It sounds like that what she wants, not to undermine you. Probably, mac'n'cheese and McD's are what she knows, and they likely have the additional magic of being special if your DS doesn't get them at home. I think it's her way to show love and do something her way. I think there's a way to balance that legitimate drive of hers and meet your DS's nutritional needs.

[MeadowAndColtsMama]

I'm not trying to pick on you and I also have kids, 8, 2, and due again in a couple weeks. But honestly, I think it's very strange that you are sending a lunch to Grandma's house! I can't believe no one has mentioned that. I think my parents, and my in-laws would be SO offended be the implication that they wouldn't know how or what to feed a 2 year-old, while at the same time you want them to baby-sit 3 DAYS a week. (No small task) And if you're doing it because they are too old or feeble to have to prepare food for him, then should they be left with a 2 year old? I would never, ever think to pack food to send my kids when going with family. I also know that if I was questioning my own parent about how they fed my child my mom/dad/step-father/mil/fil would probably say "Well, if you aren't comfortable with our care then you can find daycare or a baby-sitter." : I just think you might want to consider their feelings before you make something out of nothing, I mean mac n cheese? Big deal. Maybe say " Johnny loves it when I mix some broccoli with his mac n cheese." and leave it at that. Good luck!

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Another thought...why not tell ask her to just write down what he DOES eat for the next two weeks. Don't pick at it or anything, just smile and thank her when she does.

Exactly what I was going to suggest, a food log. Tell her he isn't eating well at home, and you really want to know that he IS eating. After that, maybe suggest she save the fast food for special occasions or a once-a-month treat.