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I want to call CPS on my ILs - Page 6

post #101 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
Because the OP mentioned so many nit picky things it seems like she is trying very hard to find fault with the parents. IMO it ruined her credibility on the subject. That's JMO so nobody jump on me please. Calling CPS is a HUGE deal and I hope she doesn't do it out of spite for her inlaws.
Yeah.... I think this is where my mind went when I read the op's post. I found it so nit picky and judgemental that I kind of questioned if some things were eggagerated and not quite what she made them appear to be in the post. I also feel like it ruined her credibility.
post #102 of 135
I agree with a lot of what has been said here in terms of the majority of the issues--while I personally find them nasty--are in fact acceptable and practiced by a large number of people and certainly CPS wouldn't intervene.

Quote:
-he is often hit, slapped, screamed at, pulled around by his hair
This is horrible. And like a lot people here, my first thought was, yes, now THIS is CPS worthy.

But then I recalled a while back there was a discussion of Lisa Welchel's parenting book. Apparently one piece of advice she offers is, if your child doesn't want to hold your hand while crossing the street, that you say "I can either take you by the hand, or I can take you by the hair." The idea being that the child will choose the hand. However, I imagine if the child still refuses, her advice would be to follow through on the threat.

Now, this is in NO WAY supporting such a method. I haven't read the book and never plan to--the excerpts I've seen turned my stomach. However, I do wonder if there is section of the otherwise normal population that uses such tactics as a disciplinary tool. Of course, that doesn't make it right, but it also means that CPS likely won't see it as abusive, just as spanking isn't seen as abusive, just a discipline technique. Obviously one I disagree with vehemently, but not illegal in this country.

At any rate, they certainly do not parent the way I do, and I do wish there were someway to reach out to them, support them, and offer alternatives. Likely that is not possible. Neverthless, CPS might not be the right call either.

I think of all the things listed, likely the carseat issue is the only black and white one
post #103 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
Because the OP mentioned so many nit picky things it seems like she is trying very hard to find fault with the parents. IMO it ruined her credibility on the subject. Calling CPS is a HUGE deal and I hope she doesn't do it out of spite for her inlaws.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilovebabies View Post
Yeah.... I think this is where my mind went when I read the op's post. I found it so nit picky and judgemental that I kind of questioned if some things were eggagerated and not quite what she made them appear to be in the post. I also feel like it ruined her credibility.
This is exactly what I think. Including things that are clearly not abuse makes the other items seem exaggerated.

I think there should be an extreme fine for filing a false CPS report - but I'm not sure how that would work, as you certainly don't want people to be afraid to file actual reports.

The fact that other friends and family members see the same things the OP does and don't find it to be a problem are also problematic. It just sounds a lot like the OP hates the ILs.
post #104 of 135
In some states at least (VA is one of them) car seat or seatbelt violations are considered outside the juristiction of CPS. You are directed to report it to the police.
post #105 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
OP~ Maybe you could spend more time with the kids. Invite them over, take them to do fun things. That'd be an easy way to keep track of them without the disruption of CPS in their lives.

FWIW I saw in another thread that you & your child don't have a bed. That would be majorly frowned upon by CPS... that doesn't make it wrong.
i was going to suggest the same thing-that you could have the kids over, get involved with them. cps would dismiss most of what youre complaining about, unfortunately, and the kids are going to be no better off b/c of it. it's beyond heartbreaking to me, that they are treated so horribly, but it's not criminal, except the carseat issue, and the physical abuse, and that's a maybe unless you've seen it happen alot, and there is evidence.

they will remember you in their lives as they grow up, if you spend quality time with them. you may make a huge impact on them that way, and you will know you are helping in a way that actually changes the situation FOR THEM, FOR THE BETTER. if you really want to help them, that's what i'd do.

good luck mama. what a sad sad situation for everyone right now.
post #106 of 135
Most stuff you mentioned would not matter at all to CPS. While you and I might not agree with the diet and TV stuff, it is not child abuse.

The jumping out of the balcony, being left unsupervised, and running the lawnmower would be the only things that would be valid to any report. If you start mentioning the food and TV stuff, then CPS won't even listen to the rest of your complaint to hear the valid stuff.

And on the being abused in a fosterhome..it is true. Statistically, children are far more likely to be abused in a fosterhome than at home. Sure, there are good foster homes out there, but many more bad. And the abuse tends to run much deeper as there are no parental bonds or love and overcrowding is an issue.
post #107 of 135
Thread Starter 
I'm not going to worry about them anymore. They aren't my children and there are others in the family who are closer and could take responsibility and care for the children. For example, my MIL. The 3 1/2 y/o begs to stay overnight with her every night, and gets to do that about 2-3 times a week. He sees her as a mother...he was with her more than his own mom for the first year of his life...his own mother neglected him and ignored him, so MIL stepped in and cared for him (even bought all the formula and diapers and clothes for him). She would call CPS, except her husband (my FIL) is very controlling and abusive and I'm sure she's scared of what he'd do if he found out she called. Maybe she'll soon step in and the children will live with her again. I'll admit that I'm afraid of him, too. My DH works a lot and DS and I are home alone almost every evening until midnight.

I know I seem nit picky, but I am truly worried for these kids. As far as the medicine goes...it is free. They have government insurance and pay nothing for any medications, treatments, or doctor visits. The stuff I said is not a sometimes thing, it's everyday. I'm sure both kids are severely malnourished...anemic, vitamin deficienies, low albumin. They don't ever look or act healthy. The 9 month old (who is almost the same age as our DS) is very behind in her development. Doesn't sit up yet, doesn't crawl, no teeth, doesn't self feed at all, she can't even roll over with any consistency. The 3 1/2 year old is very skittish/shy/anxious/depressed (depending on whatever situation he's in). And there are many unexplained injuries...cuts, bruises, I've even seen "fingerprint bruises" on his arms. I know what it's like to be abused...my mother did it to us when we were young. Hit us, spit on us, kicked, slapped, screamed at, put down, etc.

We have mentioned it to them MANY times that they need to shape up or they could be in trouble with the law, their children are suffering, etc. They say they don't care, they know the local cops so it's okay that their kids aren't in carseats

And yes, we do sleep on the floor. My DH and others in his family have had problems with dust mite reactions all of their lives, so on recommendation of our doctor and also our chiropractor, we got rid of our mattress and box spring, as they are the places that harbor most of the dust mites in the home. It also is much safer for our DS since he is very active in his sleep, this is another reason why our doctor approves of us sleeping on a pallet on the floor.

I am not saying that I am perfect, and I acknowledge that many of the things my ILs do are in "the norm", but that does not make it okay. But I simply posted this thread to ask advice, not to have my own parenting decisions criticized. I married into this mess and I wish we could move far away and not have to hear about it. I think I'm going to stop coming to MDC because this whole mess and how I'm being personally attacked is very upsetting.
post #108 of 135
Um.... You didn't see the rest of us posting to say yes, DO call about the lack of feeding and the hitting/ hair-pulling?
post #109 of 135
I would call, some of those things listed are pretty scary
post #110 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by leosmommy View Post
I know I seem nit picky, but I am truly worried for these kids. As far as the medicine goes...it is free. They have government insurance and pay nothing for any medications, treatments, or doctor visits. The stuff I said is not a sometimes thing, it's everyday. I'm sure both kids are severely malnourished...anemic, vitamin deficienies, low albumin. They don't ever look or act healthy. The 9 month old (who is almost the same age as our DS) is very behind in her development. Doesn't sit up yet, doesn't crawl, no teeth, doesn't self feed at all, she can't even roll over with any consistency. The 3 1/2 year old is very skittish/shy/anxious/depressed (depending on whatever situation he's in). And there are many unexplained injuries...cuts, bruises, I've even seen "fingerprint bruises" on his arms. I know what it's like to be abused...my mother did it to us when we were young. Hit us, spit on us, kicked, slapped, screamed at, put down, etc.
Please call CPS! These children need your help! It doesn't sound like anyone else in your family is going to call CPS, so it's up to you....


Sorry so many people here are giving you such a hard time about this. I think it's good that you posted to ask advice about this heartbreaking situation and that you want to help your niece and nephew. Some of us here are on your side!
post #111 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by leosmommy View Post
I know I seem nit picky, but I am truly worried for these kids. As far as the medicine goes...it is free. They have government insurance and pay nothing for any medications, treatments, or doctor visits. The stuff I said is not a sometimes thing, it's everyday. I'm sure both kids are severely malnourished...anemic, vitamin deficienies, low albumin. They don't ever look or act healthy. The 9 month old (who is almost the same age as our DS) is very behind in her development. Doesn't sit up yet, doesn't crawl, no teeth, doesn't self feed at all, she can't even roll over with any consistency. The 3 1/2 year old is very skittish/shy/anxious/depressed (depending on whatever situation he's in). And there are many unexplained injuries...cuts, bruises, I've even seen "fingerprint bruises" on his arms. I know what it's like to be abused...my mother did it to us when we were young. Hit us, spit on us, kicked, slapped, screamed at, put down, etc.
I think if you had included this paragraph in your opening post, you'd have gotten much, much different responses. Your first post sounds nit-picky, this one does not. I think many of us, myself included, probably just couldn't grasp the gravity is the situation without this added information.

So yes, definitely call!
post #112 of 135
I don't see how you're being personally attacked. You should definitely call if things are that bad with the kids. Just don't mention the things like feeding a baby table food. Stick to the actual abuse/neglect.
post #113 of 135
I am tentatively returning this thread. Some posts have been removed. I am sorry it's taken so long to return it.

Please post on topic and please be mindful of the varying opinions of your co-members.

Thank you for your patience.

Allgirls
post #114 of 135
The hitting, bathing alone, injuries, car seats, etc . . . would deeply concern me. My ILs are not so great either They BEAT their children till they bruise. They started when they were infants. Their house is FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY ( feces on the walls, etc) and the kids are never clean and often sick. BIL would often drink while driving them aroundI've oh- so tempted to call cps myself, but much of the things I would report, only family could know . . . it would come back on me. I struggled with this and my guilt was great. Until BiL spent one saturday drinking at this beachside bar with the kids . . . apparently, sometime around midnight, he was in the bar and the kids ( youngest 7 oldest 10) were in the water alone. Someone called the police. He was arrested, and cps opened an investigation. Well . . . the charges were dropped, and CPS did NOTHING . . . its sad, but I'm not sure anyone will take these things seriously, until someone gets very hurt. Its a shame, but thats my experience with things . . .
post #115 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazydiamond View Post
I think if you had included this paragraph in your opening post, you'd have gotten much, much different responses. Your first post sounds nit-picky, this one does not. I think many of us, myself included, probably just couldn't grasp the gravity is the situation without this added information.

I agree.
post #116 of 135
People can play the "what if" game all night long. But with all of these things added up I personally would call CPS.
post #117 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by leosmommy View Post
I'm not going to worry about them anymore. They aren't my children and there are others in the family who are closer and could take responsibility and care for the children. For example, my MIL. The 3 1/2 y/o begs to stay overnight with her every night, and gets to do that about 2-3 times a week. He sees her as a mother...he was with her more than his own mom for the first year of his life...his own mother neglected him and ignored him, so MIL stepped in and cared for him (even bought all the formula and diapers and clothes for him). She would call CPS, except her husband (my FIL) is very controlling and abusive and I'm sure she's scared of what he'd do if he found out she called. Maybe she'll soon step in and the children will live with her again. I'll admit that I'm afraid of him, too. My DH works a lot and DS and I are home alone almost every evening until midnight.

I know I seem nit picky, but I am truly worried for these kids. As far as the medicine goes...it is free. They have government insurance and pay nothing for any medications, treatments, or doctor visits. The stuff I said is not a sometimes thing, it's everyday. I'm sure both kids are severely malnourished...anemic, vitamin deficienies, low albumin. They don't ever look or act healthy. The 9 month old (who is almost the same age as our DS) is very behind in her development. Doesn't sit up yet, doesn't crawl, no teeth, doesn't self feed at all, she can't even roll over with any consistency. The 3 1/2 year old is very skittish/shy/anxious/depressed (depending on whatever situation he's in). And there are many unexplained injuries...cuts, bruises, I've even seen "fingerprint bruises" on his arms. I know what it's like to be abused...my mother did it to us when we were young. Hit us, spit on us, kicked, slapped, screamed at, put down, etc.

We have mentioned it to them MANY times that they need to shape up or they could be in trouble with the law, their children are suffering, etc. They say they don't care, they know the local cops so it's okay that their kids aren't in carseats

And yes, we do sleep on the floor. My DH and others in his family have had problems with dust mite reactions all of their lives, so on recommendation of our doctor and also our chiropractor, we got rid of our mattress and box spring, as they are the places that harbor most of the dust mites in the home. It also is much safer for our DS since he is very active in his sleep, this is another reason why our doctor approves of us sleeping on a pallet on the floor.

I am not saying that I am perfect, and I acknowledge that many of the things my ILs do are in "the norm", but that does not make it okay. But I simply posted this thread to ask advice, not to have my own parenting decisions criticized. I married into this mess and I wish we could move far away and not have to hear about it. I think I'm going to stop coming to MDC because this whole mess and how I'm being personally attacked is very upsetting.
If you are upset because you are feeling attacked, I am sorry. Please don't want to move far away...because if you want to do that, imagine the ones who are living through it, not just bearing witness.

You have the opportunity to do something. It will be scary and hard and maybe even plain awful, but you have the power to do it. You can be the voice for these innocent children. They have no voice, and they have no power. They will be raised in a cruel place, with cruel people.

Please please please do something. There is a tiny baby involved. Please act. They are children. You can be their strength. You can't choose not to care or worry about them. They need you.

Please call.
post #118 of 135
Thread Starter 
I am going to call tomorrow while I'm at school on my lunch break. Even though we have broken all ties/communications with my ILs in the past few weeks (due to many reasons, mostly them calling us out for our AP and saying we are harming DS with CLW, delaying solids, co-sleeping ) I have just learned that SIL is 4 months pregnant...they are already calling it "mistake #3" :

I'll remain anonymous. DH said he "doesn't want to know/hear about it if I do call" so that he won't have to lie to his mom if she calls and asks him if I'm the one who called CPS. He'll just say "I don't know what my DW does when I'm not with her". He doesn't want to be caught in the crossfire. I understand that.

Thank you everyone for giving me the courage to do this!
post #119 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by leosmommy View Post
I am going to call tomorrow while I'm at school on my lunch break. Even though we have broken all ties/communications with my ILs in the past few weeks (due to many reasons, mostly them calling us out for our AP and saying we are harming DS with CLW, delaying solids, co-sleeping ) I have just learned that SIL is 4 months pregnant...they are already calling it "mistake #3" :

I'll remain anonymous. DH said he "doesn't want to know/hear about it if I do call" so that he won't have to lie to his mom if she calls and asks him if I'm the one who called CPS. He'll just say "I don't know what my DW does when I'm not with her". He doesn't want to be caught in the crossfire. I understand that.

Thank you everyone for giving me the courage to do this!

s
post #120 of 135
I'm glad you're calling. It sounds like those children will owe you their lives. You might have said this already (I didn't read all 6 pages), but is there any way you guys can take them?
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