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I want to call CPS on my ILs - Page 2

post #21 of 135
Ditto on the bolded things, that is terrible...but seeeriously, you'd call CPS on someone for feeding a 9 month old baby solids? Lock me up!
post #22 of 135
i'll only call the cps becuase of the abuse...

the rest, is none of you business, imo. I think we should get all the parents that give their kids fastfood
post #23 of 135
I would hate to have to witness such disturbing parenting. It must weigh on your mind and heart a lot.
post #24 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
You would CALL CPS over feeding a 3 month old solids? For real? Why?
I would never feed a 3mo solids but I would think CPS would laugh. 4mo is reccomended/ok'd by most peds and many parents start at 3mo. If you look at high chairs and many other feeding items they are marked "3mo - x number of years".

Some stuff really worries me.
post #25 of 135
People have done a good job of helping you determine what is "CPS appropriate." I too would report the bolded information. If you can, try to remember some specific examples with dates or other details that will help the person taking the report.

As a foster mom (in a loving home where we don't have abusive older children-- a common type of foster home, especially among foster parents who take very young children), the one that I personally would give the most "air time" in my report is that the child is not consistently being fed. A child going hungry (that is, not being offered any food) until at least 4pm (might be later if child wasn't dropped off at your house?) is severe neglect. I am really shocked someone here considered this within the "norm."

So, in summary, you would be reporting:
1. Neglect (child not being fed, inconsistent and completely inadequate supervision, medical neglect in administration of meds, rare use of car seats)
2. Physical abuse (I would focus primarily on the child being dragged around by the hair unless you have seen bruises and other marks from the hitting, though you could mention the hitting too)
3. Emotional abuse (constant screaming)

Keep your report organized.

Assuming you will report, and I think it is well warranted, the exact response will vary by state (if you are in the U.S.) and even county. However, it will probably look something like this:

1. The person who takes the report over the phone will gather the details and then (usually in coordination with a supervisor) make a determination of whether an investigation is warranted.

2. If it is not warranted, they may choose to simply record the report but do nothing, or in some cases they will send the family a letter to serve as a type of warning.

3. If they do screen the call "in" for investigation, they will complete some type of check on the welfare of the children.

4. During the check on the children, a few things can happen:
  • They may decide at that point that the situation doesn't fit the abuse and neglect laws of your area. In this case, they will close the case within some short time period (a few days, a couple of weeks, or something like that). The record will show the concern as "unfounded."
  • They may decide that the situation doesn't fit the abuse and neglect laws of your area, but that the child is at significant enough risk that the case should remain open for a little while so they can monitor the situation and provide referrals, etc.
  • They may determine that the case is one of abuse and neglect, and will provide services and support while the children remain in the home and they monitor how things are going.
  • They may determine the case is one of abuse and neglect, and that there is an immediate danger to the children should they remain in the home. This may end up being very short-term. There are some kids who come into care for just a weekend-long period while the most immediate concerns get sorted out. Other times, kids remain in foster care for a longer period, but statistically, the majority return home within 6 months or less, and the vast, vast majority are returned by the one year mark. Meanwhile, the parents will receive services to support improvement in the areas of concern and will have visitations with the kids (#, length, and degree of supervision if any is determined by regional standards and the specifics of the case). If children are removed from a home, relative/kinship placements by law must be considered before "standard" foster care placements, though if the child is removed quickly, the child may go to a "standard" placement until a relative background check is completed.

It varies from area to area, but statistically, most calls to CPS do not result in even a temporary removal of children from their homes. The idea that a CPS call automatically means foster care is a misnomer. I've had kids come into my care who literally spent years prior in *horrendously* abusive or neglectful situations while multiple calls were made but didn't result in removal until finally during an investigation, something changed.

I don't know why it is important for you to ask yourself what your goal is in calling. The fact is, what you are describing is abuse and neglect, and the state will determine how bad it is and what that means for the future. You really have nothing to do with that. Most wrongful reports don't result in actions against the family, despite all the stuff on the internet from folks claiming their children are wrongfully in care (I know there are some folks honestly saying this, and I grieve for them, but some of the parents of foster kids I've had in my home were on the internet saying similar things when in fact they really were abusing and neglecting their children to the point that the child was very, very much in danger...knowing how often that has been true, I pay little mind to those stories).

Quote:
but seeeriously, you'd call CPS on someone for feeding a 9 month old baby solids? Lock me up!
Sounds like the OP feels she needs to report not based on one thing alone, but a collection of things...the bigger picture. I think there are enough very serious safety issues in her post that override any concern that she might be reporting for feeding alone. Clearly she is not.
post #26 of 135
I didn't think OP was going to call cps due to feeding a 3mo solids- but more the WHOLE picture. While I don't agree with what they are feeding these children it IS within the 'norm' in many areas. I would think long and hard before you call. I DO think there are reasons TO call, just organize your reasons...thoughts and feelings before you call. I think you have gotten some very great constructive critism from these other mommas.
post #27 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sierra View Post
A child going hungry (that is, not being offered any food) until at least 4pm (might be later if child wasn't dropped off at your house?) is severe neglect. I am really shocked someone here considered this within the "norm."
But what about the big picture? How is the family's lifestyle?

Because I tell ya, my family is a bunch of nightowls. Many times we don't wake up until near noon. And sometimes my DD (also 3.5) gets caught up with playing that she doesn't eat until the late afternoon. There were times my DD hadn't really eaten until 4pm, and that's without the 5 bottles of milk this other kid had.

So while this kid should probably be checked up on, I wouldn't call it "severe abuse" just on principle.
post #28 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
Unfortunately, a lot of the food issues are non-issues. I don't think it's against the law to feed your kid crap. .....
.....
Unfortunately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
I would butt out. Very little on your list is even outside the "norm" in most places.

-Angela
Also, unfortunate, but true. Makes me want to cry.
post #29 of 135
Yeah, I think live the solids issue out. I'm not sure about the falling down the stairs thing either. My middle kid did that around 1 yo, and yes, three times. And yes, we had a gate. And yes, we are attentive, loving parents. Alone, that's not an abuse issue. But in the context of the other things, it might be a symptom of neglict.

What I might call for
--lack of care for the asthma
--not using carseats
--being left alone in the bath
--the lawnmower incident

But before you call, are you absolutely certain that these children would be better served in the foster system than with their parents, as unfortunate as their parenting choices may be?
post #30 of 135
CPS might not even care about the car seats. I had a social worker who never ever used car seats correctly when she picked up my foster kids (who should have been harnessed at the time, being in just a booster, not just by size, but by LAW). No amount of speaking to her or her supervisors, or the director changed anything.
post #31 of 135
not meant to start an argument here...but for those of you who dont see a real problem with this, and is "within the norm", are you serious? i personally agree with the original post that most of this stuff is horrible to hear that children are going through it, and quite dangerous. is this really the norm? i am terribly sad for many children if this is true. i would definitely try to give parents resources to learn from and tell them that they have the possibility of losing their children if they were to continue in these ways.
post #32 of 135
honestly the only thing on that list that would warrant a CPS call is the pulling the 3.5yo around by the hair.

Everything else is parenting differences.
post #33 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycmom18 View Post
not meant to start an argument here...but for those of you who dont see a real problem with this, and is "within the norm", are you serious? i personally agree with the original post that most of this stuff is horrible to hear that children are going through it, and quite dangerous. is this really the norm? i am terribly sad for many children if this is true. i would definitely try to give parents resources to learn from and tell them that they have the possibility of losing their children if they were to continue in these ways.

Everyone else is being realistic. You probably won't find many people HERE who feed solids to 3 month olds because many of the people HERE are passionate and knowledgable about breastfeeding. You will find many "mainstream" parents, grandparents, and even entire cultures where that is the norm.

And if the OP calls and sounds like a raving lunatic to her local CPS office, the "real" abuse may not be taken seriously or investigated.

By following a more "crunchy" path with our parenting methods, we are all part of a counter culture. Now, we could go to war with "mainstream" parenting methods but most of us here don't want to go to war with our mainstream friends. We'll just let our EBF, co-sleeping, organic eating, non-circed, etc. etc. healthy children to speak for themselves someday.
post #34 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycmom18 View Post
not meant to start an argument here...but for those of you who dont see a real problem with this, and is "within the norm", are you serious? i personally agree with the original post that most of this stuff is horrible to hear that children are going through it, and quite dangerous. is this really the norm? i am terribly sad for many children if this is true. i would definitely try to give parents resources to learn from and tell them that they have the possibility of losing their children if they were to continue in these ways.
Oh, I see a problem with it. I see TONS of problems with it. But nothing she listed would shock people around here. People who live in the country let little kids 4-wheel... a lawn mower isn't going to shock them. Especially if it was a one time- oopsie thing. The food- norm. Yeah. I'm serious.

-Angela
post #35 of 135
Quote:
not meant to start an argument here...but for those of you who dont see a real problem with this, and is "within the norm", are you serious? i personally agree with the original post that most of this stuff is horrible to hear that children are going through it, and quite dangerous. is this really the norm? i am terribly sad for many children if this is true. i would definitely try to give parents resources to learn from and tell them that they have the possibility of losing their children if they were to continue in these ways.
yup I"m serious.

Feeding a 3month old solid food is not recommended by say half of the doctors out there. If she was to call on this & it was such a huge concern why wait until the child is 9months old? Why not call at the time? Also, what type of foods was the 3month old being fed? There are dr's who still recommend giving a 6week old cereal for reflux. Idea no but it's not a reason to call cps either.

a 3.5year old in the tub by himself, imo not a big deal either. there are threads on mdc about it When my kids were younger than 3.5 they were in the tub by themselves. Same with going outside unsupervised.

not being fed food till 4pm, while I don't do that alot of parents around here do & they're not neglectful of thier kids. Maybe they tried to feed the kid & they kid wouldn't eat.

going to fast food restaurants is not a reason to call.

Even all together the only thing I see a reason to call is the pulling them around by the hair.
post #36 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post
honestly the only thing on that list that would warrant a CPS call is the pulling the 3.5yo around by the hair.

Everything else is parenting differences.
Not using carseats is not a "parenting difference". It's illegal.

Not feeding children is neglect, not a parenting difference (I'm leaving aside completely the issue of what is being fed).

Not giving a child needed medication, so that the child ends up constantly at the ER, is medical neglect, and in the case of asthma, life-threatening.

I agree with other: let the issues of fast food, TV, swearing, early solids, etc. go and focus on the things that are real abuse. FTR, I don't see anything wrong with a 3.5 year old who has a pacifier, in and of itself.
post #37 of 135
Some of the things on that list are horrible.

Some are parenting differences.

Some are things that I have done, and no doubt some other moms on MDC have done some things from that list as well. Who's first in line with the stones?
post #38 of 135
Although I see some things on the list that definitely qualify as abuse or neglect, it's only a few things. Don't get me wrong, whether it's a few or just one thing, it's too many.

What I find interesting that you've made such a long mental checklist of your IL's care of their children. I mean really, you're paying that close attention to what they eat at Thanksgiving? How do you have time for that? I'm not trying to be harsh, but wow, you've got quite a detailed list there. I understand why some of those things bother you (obviously the physical abuse for example, I'd feel the same!) but you're really being kind of picky on many things. For example, just because YOU don't think it's acceptable to start babies on solids at the age of 3 months, that doesn't qualify it as abuse.
post #39 of 135
I agree with most everyone else. Some things on your list certaintly make me take pause but the only things I see as true abuse/against the law is the pulling by the hair and not putting them in car seats. From your description they don't sound like great parents but that in itself is not abuse. I would try to step back and put aside how you feel about their food choices and other non-abusive parenting choices (which have already been pointed out) and if you still see abuse do what you feel is best.
post #40 of 135
You can call CPS, but that does not mean that CPS is going to force your parenting beliefs on these parents. They might investigate the perceived neglect and lack of supervisions, but they are more likely to dismiss you as a crank when they read this laundry list of complaints about things that are none of your business.
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