S/O thread: Does please/thank you make a dif? - Page 2

[alicia622]

I agree it's tone/attitude more than words.

[Joyster]

For some reason or another, it always just makes me feel better when I get a great big thank you from my 3 yo. Please isn't a big issue for me, but it's nice, but thank you always helps.

[MommytoTwo]

Yeah it really does make a difference. It turns demands into requests, which I find easier to hear 29843 times per minute and keeps me nicer when I turn them down.

[Rivka5]

It makes a big difference to me. From my kid, from my husband, from my clients and coworkers... just in general.

It's not the words themselves - I agree that you can ask for something politely without using the specific word "please." It's the difference between ordering someone to perform for you and treating them with respect and courtesy. I like to be spoken to in a way that shows the other person is thinking of me as a person, not just as a means to an end.

We had a funny incident the other day in which my 3.5-year-old was already in her booster seat while her father and I were scooping food into serving dishes in the kitchen. She started banging on the table shouting "We want food! We want food!"

"Alex!" my husband and I said in unison. "That's very rude."

She paused for a moment, and then started banging again while saying, in a more pleasant tone of voice, "Could we please have some food? Could we please have some food?"

Okay, so that was rude too. But I felt much less bothered by it.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Jojo F.

It's the tone, attitude AND saying pelase and thank you in a respectful manner.

Just because DS asks nicely doesn't mean he will get what he wants and he understands that. I can ask nicely for a million dollars, it doesn't mean I'm going to get it If he asks rudely he will not get whatever it is regardless.

When I need DS to do something I say please and thank you in a respectful manner. he is a person that should be respected. I also use "Sir" with him as well.

Respect is a two way street no matter how you look at it (in my eyes at least). I have vowed to not raise my son as I was raised; I will show DS due respect.

:

[cappuccinosmom]

It makes a difference to me. I hate demanding, whiny stuff.

Insisting on politeness requires them to slow down a little, which lets them realize that I am not an emotion-void vending machine. I require politeness and respect because I deserve it as the person who pretty much cares for 100% of their daily needs, large and small.

I also think learning to make requests respectfully and being polite are important parts of living in society and getting along with others, and who better to learn with than Mama?

ETA: it is reciprocal. Although dh and I are "authority" in our house, we speak respectfully to our children barring some emergency that requires an immediate and concise order (I don't bother with please if my 3 yo is headed out into a busy parking lot without me!). When I ask them to do something, I say please. When they complete it, I say thank you. When they do something nice on their own initiative I thank them and commend them for their thoughtfulness

[cappuccinosmom]

She paused for a moment, and then started banging again while saying, in a more pleasant tone of voice, "Could we please have some food? Could we please have some food?"

Okay, so that was rude too. But I felt much less bothered by it.

that. is. adorable.

We would have all busted out laughing.

When my middle son was just learning to talk, he was still in a highchair. One evening he was dawdling over supper and I was impatient, so I rudely said "Gebre, hurry it up please!". He looked up at me very seriously and said "Be patient!!" which is a phrase I had been saying to him for many months. Dh laughed at me because ds had got me real good. That particular kid is still the manners and grammar police in our home.

[onlyzombiecat]

It makes a difference to me. I'll take a polite tone if that's all I can get though.

It irks me to be asked to do something- even if formed in a nice voice- without ever getting a please and thank you though. My mother never says please. It just feels different when there is a please or thank you occasionally.

[Abarat]

Yeah, makes a difference, but even more important is that he asks for things without whining and crying. He has a bad habit of just instantly whining whenever he wants something, so I make him say it nicely before getting it for him. We started that as soon as he was able to really understand it.

DH is trying for "Sir" and "Ma'am" but I really don't care about that. But then again he's southern born and bred and growing up in western WA we really didn't call adults "Sir" or "Ma'am" as a matter of course.

[St. Margaret]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

We had a funny incident the other day in which my 3.5-year-old was already in her booster seat while her father and I were scooping food into serving dishes in the kitchen. She started banging on the table shouting "We want food! We want food!"

"Alex!" my husband and I said in unison. "That's very rude."

She paused for a moment, and then started banging again while saying, in a more pleasant tone of voice, "Could we please have some food? Could we please have some food?"

Okay, so that was rude too. But I felt much less bothered by it.

It makes a BIG difference to me. I'll often do something I really hadn't felt like going (playing a certain game, getting up and going to another part of the garden/library/house etc) if I here a request in a nice tone with a please. DD totally knows that if she cries/whines for something, and we ask her to ask politely, she can take a couple deep breathes and ask with a please. If she cries "PLEAAAASSSEEE!" it's still no good, lol. But we were big on modeling and reminding her about please/thank you since she started talking fully, so it's easy for her and SO much nicer for getting through the day with a high-needs toddler.

[russsk]

Originally Posted by Boot

It makes a big difference for me too. DH has a bad habit of saying 'sure' when I say 'would you like x?' (usually something that takes effort for me to make or something special that I am offering to share). It drives me crazy because it implies indifference to my effort or generosity. I DON'T want DS picking up on that. He is only 21 months but is quite good at saying please, thank you and no thank you. Sometimes he applies it in a funny way like saying 'no thank you' when I was cutting his hair. He does still yell demands though but it's early days.

Ugh, my DH does this, too. Drives me up the wall.

[KaliShanti]

Originally Posted by Sasharna

Yes, it does for me.

But I'd add that when we teach "please" and "thank you" I think our children learn more than just words. They also copy our tone and inflection. They learn how a gentle, polite demeanor is more likely to make other people feel respected and happy. Likewise, they learn that a demanding and whiny tone of voice makes people feel annoyed and pressured.

I don't really mind whether my son says the word itself. His attitude is what makes the difference.

Originally Posted by Jojo F.

It's the tone, attitude AND saying pelase and thank you in a respectful manner.

Just because DS asks nicely doesn't mean he will get what he wants and he understands that. I can ask nicely for a million dollars, it doesn't mean I'm going to get it If he asks rudely he will not get whatever it is regardless.

When I need DS to do something I say please and thank you in a respectful manner. he is a person that should be respected. I also use "Sir" with him as well.

Respect is a two way street no matter how you look at it (in my eyes at least). I have vowed to not raise my son as I was raised; I will show DS due respect.

This is so dead on for me. My son is only 20 months, but he doesn't get anything given to him unless he asks nicely (meaning he has to stop whining or crying or grabbing or whatever) and say "Eeesh, Mama." . It's just respect, pure and simple.

[flapjack]

None of my kids have ever said "I need a drink" except when they're running to get one for themselves. Whining, whinging, etc. tends to get a sharp look and/or a "I BEG your pardon?" DD is going through that phase at the moment and it's driving me insane.

[meemee]

nope i dont. and it really doesnt bug me.

for me tone and attitude.

in fact i encourage her not to use it for me. if anything it was irritating to me. because to me its a formality that is reserved for guests. i want her to have the freedom to express her needs to me the way she wants to.

i encourage it with society though. she is 6 now and v. well mannered in public. she does use please sometimes with me but its an expression of the intensity of her need. doesnt mean she gets it. but it does tell me more about what her request is all about.

but then she also picked up those things without me telling her. i think her first 'thank you' which i didnt hear was at 10 months to a gma next door who brought her snacks. my friend and neighbour who was with her heard her version of ta-u and knew she said thank you.

my dd has been extremely empathic since she was a baby - which again a friend pointed out since her cat was like that. my dd would know who was having a hard day and always wanted them to hold her. she would lunge out of my arms towards them.

i would encourage her sometimes. but she picked it up from me actually saying it to others. i know because i always guided her to say thank you. but when she started using it she always said thanks which is mostly what i used to use IRL.

she was in dc since she was 2. so she had two worlds where she was encouraged to use please and ty and one where she wasnt - to me the mom.