Having a partner with a different religion

[Anne2008]

I just dated a guy who was muslim while my family are strict christians (im not serious about it but do think of myself as christian, believe in God, sometimes pray/go to church) and it got me wondering. Would you ever be with someone who had a different religion to yours? Anyone BTDT? Or if you aren't religious, would you be with someone who was? Thoughts?

[Tradd]

Originally Posted by Anne2008

I just dated a guy who was muslim while my family are strict christians (im not serious about it but do think of myself as christian, believe in God, sometimes pray/go to church) and it got me wondering. Would you ever be with someone who had a different religion to yours? Anyone BTDT? Or if you aren't religious, would you be with someone who was? Thoughts?

No, I wouldn't - because my church (I'm an Orthodox Christian) will *not* marry an Orthodox Christian to someone who is not at the very minimum a Christian (specifically baptized in the name of the Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). You get married outside the Church in a civil ceremony or another Christian body's/another religion's ceremony, and you've automatically excommunicated yourself (whether it's permanent or not depends on your bishop).

Other Christian bodies, such as the Roman Catholics, *will* (with the bishop's permission) allow a marriage of a Catholic to a non-Christian, but that's not the case with everyone.

So, I don't even THINK about dating someone who isn't a Christian. I'm dating someone right now who is Orthodox, but we'll see how it works out.

[Arduinna]

I have, but at the time I didn't have any strong beliefs and adopted his, then we both left, then we both did our own thing now we are both back to sharing and learning together but it's been a long strange trip indeed. I do think that there was a bit of Gods hand in it but I'd rather not go into the specifics of why on a public board since it's personal and complicated. I do think we are both where we always wanted to be, it just took awhile.

[Fay]

I'm a devout Catholic, and my DH is profoundly agnostic. We were married in the Catholic Church (that was a deal-breaker for me) and are raising our children as Catholics. I always say that DH is the thorn in my side who keeps my faith fresh.

[phathui5]

I would not be happy being married to and raising children with someone who was not also a Christian. My faith is involved in so much of our family life and what we do and it wouldn't be the same (in regards to family life) is dh wasn't sharing it with me.

[Liquesce]

Aside from the excommunication bit, I'm with Tradd ... I can not marry in my faith to someone outside of it, and while I can marry in a civil ceremony just as easily as anyone else, aside from not being interested, the religious/social/cultural ramifications of that would not be slight.

[Moonprysm]

I am LDS married to a pagan. We were both pagan when we were married. While it makes some things difficult, we are also both universalists, so we respect each other's beliefs. I do wish we could provide a more united front for our children, but at the same time I appreciate that they will be exposed to different faiths (something we always planned) and have the ability to make the choice themselves one day, instead of just automatically assuming whatever faith we are.

[bax]

I'm a Christian married to a Jewish agnostic. I was agnostic when we began dating, and my (long,slow) conversion coincided with our (long, slow) engagement and marriage (in the church). I prayed deeply about it all during that period in my life, and came to see that as a Christian, I am called to self-sacrificially love not only those who love me or are like me, but neighbors, and even enemies. I am called to be a light to the world, not a light to those who agree with me. My relationship with DH has informed my theology in so many amazing ways, and I know he has said that is own mind has been opened and a lot of prejudices he had against Christians have been dismantled. There have been challenges and times of pain, but I can't imagine my faith life being any more enriched by my marriage than it is and has been with my DH. BTW, we did have our children baptized and are raising them as Christian.

[wombatclay]

I'm pagan, dh is christian... we both attend a UU church so our children will have a "spiritual home" that is open and embracing to people with different personal/spiritual beliefs.

We've been a couple for almost 19 years now and there have been rocky times as a result of our different religious beliefs (especially once we had children!), but over time and with lots of open communication we've found a balance that works for us and our family.

Dating outside your faith is one thing, a long term relationship/marriage is a whole different story in terms of challenges. I don't know from your post how serious you feel about this relationship, but interfaith relationships can be a lot of "extra" work, especially if one or both of you feel strongly about your own religion/beliefs. You might want to sort of "role play" different scenarios in your mind... would you convert for your partner? would they convert for you? would the religious difference affect how/when/if you could marry? what religion would you share with your children? etc.

Every interfaith couple has to answer these questions for themselves... different families may have very different ways of making the relationship work, and of course, both partners need to be on board with making it work.

So long blather to basically say "interfaith wasn't a deal breaker for me, but it's a lot of work and if you're not ok with that then it may be better in the long run to date within your own faith". Assuming that true love doesn't jump out and surprise you!

[BMG580]

I am a soon to be Catholic, my husband is agnostic. I actually think it helps that he is neutral about religion because there are no arguments about what we should be doing as a family. I am the religious one, the children will be raised Catholic like me. I can see how there could be very big struggles in a family in which each partner were very dedicated to a specific yet different faith.

I should add that it hasn't been easy to become Catholic while married because I've changed a lot, my beliefs on many issues have grown and changed and the changes have come rather quickly. But he has been a trooper. We just really keep the lines of communication open and thankfully he wants me to be happy and healthy and understands that this isn't really a choice for me this is something that I feel I must do, period.

ETA: If I were single and looking for a life partner I would date Christians, specifically Catholics. It really does make for a strong and unified marriage if both partners are on the same page about spirituality and can move forward together in their faith.

[Queen of Cups]

Subbing... I'm a Christian (probably closest to Unity Church beliefs... New Thought Christianity) and DH is an atheist.

[delicate_sunshine]

I could never have married outside my faith. My faith is too important to me. And also, I believe that 2 Corinthians 6:14 applies to marriage. "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" So, for me, it's a biblical command. DH and I are nondenominational Christians, by the way.

[Bluegoat]

I think that it can work, but it can also be tricky.

In some cases where the religions have strong similarities, it can be fairly straightforward. Similar values are very important in any case.

As far as kids go, it is something people should talk about before marrying, including what might happen if your feelings change. If dh had agreed to let the children be raised wholly in the mom's religion, but felt differently once they were born, how would you handle that kind of thing together?

On the other hand, kids will learn, in the home or outside it, that different people have different ideas about religion. And ultimately they will be responsible for their choices as adults.

Having different religions can be a real loss in that the families spiritual life is fractured, and it can be a really strong, wonderful way to relate to one another as a family.

Nothing is ever definite though. My husband was an agnostic when we began dating, now he is a postulant for the priesthood. Our marriage prep with a priest really impacted him, And people that shared your faith can lose it after marriage. But it is really important to discuss these things beforehand, including the practical aspects.

[kittymoose]

I'm pagan and DP is a teapot agnostic. I'm extremely spiritual and, yes, superstitious, and he's exactly the opposite. He's very logical and scientific.

We've had a lot of disagreement when it comes to our personal faiths, but we agreed not to foist anything on any future little ones. While I do plan on raising them pagan, they'll probably end up going to church with grandma as well. (My family is Lutheran and Catholic).

DP would prefer we get married at city hall, but I would prefer to have a handfasting and my mother would prefer I get married in a church
So far we've decided that there will be a religious element to our marriage, because it's important to me, and he phrased it "I don't care, as long as it means I get to be with you forever"

Wombatclay, I meant to ask you on the other thread, but what's a UU church? This sounds like another option for us.

[wombatclay]

UU = Unitarian Universalist. Each congregation is a bit different, but here is the main website with the listing of UU Principles. There's no set creed/book/sacred text so as I said... each congregation developes it's own focus within the general guidelines of the principles/sources. But communities tend to be very open and accepting and since there is no specific "you must/must not" list members with very different personal beliefs can share the same service.

There is a joke that Unitarians are "agnostics with children" and there is some truth to this... a lot of the families I know through UU are interfaith couples looking for a common spiritual "home" the whole family can attend. (so it's not really OT for this conversation ) The religious ed program varies a bit by congregation as well, but in general the goal is to help each child develop their own code of ethics and spiritual beliefs. So they learn about all different religions, visit religious services around town and have speakers visit classes to share their religions. They read and explore sacred texts from different traditions, compare/contrast different faiths, look for common threads, all that stuff. So that by the time they reach high school they been exposed to all sorts of faiths, have friends in different religious traditions, and are prepared to discuss what they believe and why (even if those beliefs are radically different from their parent's/class mates). Our congregatio follows a pretty standard RE program and you can see each year described here.

It's a good compromise for our family since the services compliment both of our personal faiths while providing a weekly pattern/larger faith community for the girls.

[Belleweather]

My husband is a buddhist/agnositc and I'm converting to Judiasm. It works out very well for us mainly because he's not very active spiritually and has no problem with our keeping a Jewish home and focusing on Jewish ritual for our kids. It's been more of a problem for me in converting, since being married to him is one of the reasons that I'm converting through a more liberal stream of Judiasm than I would be otherwise. But I really believe that God brought us together, so we find ways to make it work out. Just like the many, many other interfaith families out there in the world.

[Tradd]

I was thinking about this thread more this afternoon. I realized that there can be differences even in the same religion/denomination that can be almost as big of hurdles to deal with, as if you two were totally different religions.

The easiest example I can come up concerns Judaism. I'd expect an Orthodox Jew would have to think long and hard about getting involved with a Reform and/or Conservative Jew, and vice versa.

In my post earlier on this thread, I mentioned I was dating a fellow who is an Orthodox Christian, as I am. Two huge issues: 1) He attends a parish that has services ENTIRELY in another language (Slavonic, ancestor of Russian). They only throw in a bit of English on Christmas and Easter, when there are folks who don't attend regularly. Sermon is even in another language. I have no ability for foreign languages. I've tried several times to learn Spanish. No go. Not the way my brain works. If I couldn't learn Spanish, there's no way I'd learn something with a totally different alphabet. 2) His church (larger church body, not just his parish) is on the Julian Calendar - 13 days behind the Gregorian Calendar. This means they celebrate Christmas when it's January 7th for the rest of us. Easter is celebrated together, though. The Orthodox have a lot of fasting days/seasons (no meat & no dairy), which means I'd be celebrating New Calendar Christmas, while he was still in the midst of the Christmas Fast.

Can you imagine trying to figure out the household details (such as cooking, and when to celebrate Christmas) when one is fasting and one isn't? He knows where I stand (I need services I can understand). This will have to be worked out if we get more serious...

ETA: Sorry to go kinda OT, but this has been on my mind recently (and I even talked to my priest about it today).

[tricia80]

When we met he was a nonpracticing baptist and i was lost... so it was never a big deal..

I am a born again Christian and if my husband and I ever get back together (seperated for many years, no divorce and remarriage allowed) he will have to become Christian and convert.. I now realize how important it is to raise a Christian family... I raise my dd on my own now and desperately pray that my husband will come back to take his proper place in our home.

[Fay]

Originally Posted by delicate_sunshine

I could never have married outside my faith. My faith is too important to me. And also, I believe that 2 Corinthians 6:14 applies to marriage. "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" So, for me, it's a biblical command. DH and I are nondenominational Christians, by the way.

I would like to respond respectfully with 1 Corinthians 7:14..."For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband."

[Moonprysm]

Originally Posted by Fay

I would like to respond respectfully with 1 Corinthians 7:14..."For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband."

Thank you. I was thinking that, but couldn't remember the exact verse or where it was. There's also a different one especially about wives I believe being able to reach their unbelieving husbands when no one else can.