Questioning Praise

[babyhaj]

I'm wondering if anyone can recommend any books on the topic of praise (as in praising / not praising / or something in between children)? I am a recovering "seeker of external validation" and hoping to help my dd skip that whole recovering part.

Also, I'm struggling right now with my dad, dd's gpa, using 'good girl' in response to way too many actions. It's starting to gnaw at me (why does there have to be a judgement? and who is he to judge good or the opposite?) Dh and I try to say "thank you for..." to her for putting away her toys or giving us something, etc or something like, that was thoughtful of you to...

If anyone has any advice on coaching a long line of external validators in giving constructive feedback after actions, I'd love to hear it. TIA

[russsk]

Definitely check out "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. I think it's exactly what you are looking for.

[St. Margaret]

I second the rec for UP. He's got some other more school-based books, too, but UP is my favorite parenting book.

[butterfly_mommy]

I third Alfie There is also a video, I haven't seen it but my friend has and she said it really helped her to understand his theories.

[Sierra]

It isn't a whole book, but _Becoming the Parent You Want To Be_ by Janis Keyser and Laura Davis has a good section on the downsides of praise and alternatives.

[LynnS6]

Two thoughts:

1. Be very specific. "good girl" doesn't give her much feedback. "Wow, you put your shoe on all by yourself. You're learning a lot of new things." or "Thanks, when you help pick up, I've got more time to play." "Wow! You climbed to the top. Look how high you are." Describe, describe, describe.

2. Unless she's spending copious amounts of time with grandpa, "good girl" from him won't hurt her unduly.

My MIL and SIL are knee-jerk "good job" users and my kids don't seem to mind.

And I don't lose any sleep when a 'good job' escapes my lips either.