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Step-daughter vs. Daughter - Page 2

post #21 of 32
I don't think it's about your dd and sd. I think this is about your dh. If he loves you he should be kind to and about your daughter. The fact that he has been so snide and insensitive speaks volumes. He should never, ever treat your daughter that way, even if it's behind closed doors. It's destructive to your dd and dsd alike. And to your marriage. I'm not sure I'd give him a shot at counseling. He'd have to show up at the door and present a very strong, convincing case as to what he has to offer and how he is going to improve. And I would not return until I had seen some long-term evidence of that.
post #22 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmeyrick View Post
I don't think it's about your dd and sd. I think this is about your dh. If he loves you he should be kind to and about your daughter. The fact that he has been so snide and insensitive speaks volumes. He should never, ever treat your daughter that way, even if it's behind closed doors. It's destructive to your dd and dsd alike. And to your marriage. I'm not sure I'd give him a shot at counseling. He'd have to show up at the door and present a very strong, convincing case as to what he has to offer and how he is going to improve. And I would not return until I had seen some long-term evidence of that.
What she said.

This isn't about the children, this is about your husband. I am horrified that he would speak that way about your daughter and then lie about it. I really don't think I could stay with someone who would lie to me like that. What else is he lying about?
post #23 of 32
What a tough situation! It is too bad that your DH feels the need to compare the two girls in a conversation with your dsd.

You are right to protect your dd from that kind of environment. I hope everything can be worked out!
post #24 of 32
It all comes down to - you can't make a life with a man who has not, in three long years, grown to love and respect your daughter. Cut bait.
post #25 of 32
Thread Starter 
I really don't know if he is lying about anything else.

I agree with all the Moms that have posted, but God has not made a way for me to leave yet. I do not have the money to do so at this time. My job is in the building products industry where we just had a paycut and some layoffs. I feel I am safe from a layoff for the time being but I don't know what will happen in a few months.

I don't want to defend him at all here. Like I said, I agree with everyone that has posted, but there is more to the man than those statements he made...

I fell in love with him because he was the most patient person I have ever met. He still is. From everything I have ever seen, he is really good Dad.

I don't say these things likely. My daughter has already been through soo much. This is a really tough decision, more than you know. I had her when i was 18....went straight to college, and got my batchelors. She didn't really see her biological father for the first couple of years and then not at all for the last 5-6. Which is good. He needs to stay out of our lives.

Thank you so much to all the moms for the hugs, thoughts, and prayers. I wish I could convey how much it means to have your support. It helps more than I can say.

I have to decide what is best for my daughter. I can deal with whatever. If I do decide to leave......I don't know that I will be able to.
post #26 of 32
Am I incorrect or did he compare your daughter to an unwanted animal?

I'm sorry, but it seems to me that HE has a huge insecurity issue and is passing it along to his daughter. Confidence like this, is NOT confidence.

If my fiance ever spoke about my daughter that way, it would be over.

It seems to me as though after 3 years the both of you should be considering yourself parents of eachothers children. After all they both live with you and you are parenting them together. Some counseling is in order if you want to make your marriage work, but it would be over for me. He doesn't love your DD, he admitted that. it sounds as though he is too selfish to love her.

I give you hugs, your going to need a lot of strength.
post #27 of 32
look up narcissist and see if it applies. Good luck I hope your dd is not impacted by this.
post #28 of 32
It appears that there is a lot going on under his surface. I'm guessing his self-worth is tied up in his daughter. He resents your daughter, and feels sucess through his daughter. By putting your daughter down, his daughter rises to the surface and he feels better about himself. How sad for him and his dd, but awful for you and your dd.

I would ask that he get counseling with you. I would even consider finding someplace else to stay until he agrees to it. He needs to really understand that what he is doing is wrong. His daughter is going to grow up to be spoiled and full of herself, and is going to believe that putting others down is an okay thing to do. And your daughter - her very sense of self is at stake.
post #29 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotamom View Post
I really don't know if he is lying about anything else.

I agree with all the Moms that have posted, but God has not made a way for me to leave yet. I do not have the money to do so at this time. My job is in the building products industry where we just had a paycut and some layoffs. I feel I am safe from a layoff for the time being but I don't know what will happen in a few months.

I don't want to defend him at all here. Like I said, I agree with everyone that has posted, but there is more to the man than those statements he made...

I fell in love with him because he was the most patient person I have ever met. He still is. From everything I have ever seen, he is really good Dad.

I don't say these things likely. My daughter has already been through soo much. This is a really tough decision, more than you know. I had her when i was 18....went straight to college, and got my batchelors. She didn't really see her biological father for the first couple of years and then not at all for the last 5-6. Which is good. He needs to stay out of our lives.

Thank you so much to all the moms for the hugs, thoughts, and prayers. I wish I could convey how much it means to have your support. It helps more than I can say.

I have to decide what is best for my daughter. I can deal with whatever. If I do decide to leave......I don't know that I will be able to.
It's ok if you need time to "get your ducks in a row" and make a plan. You have started thinking about it. I second/third/fifth! The idea of counseling whether for you, you and your h, your dd if this has impacted her, etc.

Keep LISTENING TO YOUR GUT. You have mentioned doing it at least twice in this thread and it will serve you well.
post #30 of 32

big mouth

If he would leave it alone they could just be sisters. Sisters have natural rivalries. I mean, come on, girls get jealous and superior and then they get over it. With his influence already set in her head it seems like she won't be able to really be a sister without a feeling of superiority.
Ah, men. They just don't get it sometimes.
Even if he wasn't trying to do harm he has changed the course of all of your lives with his "encouragements" to his daughter.
I'm so sorry for you.
I remember that age and it wasn't easy under the best of circumstances. Just love her through all of this and by her I mean DD and SD.
My thoughts are with you.
post #31 of 32

Any updates?

Been checking in to see......:

moms222
post #32 of 32
Husband Lying: forgive + forget; sometimes people who aren't normally dishonest, lie under pressure.

Husband Trashing Your DD: : Unacceptable. Period. Talk about it, if you need help getting through to him then go to a counselor.

SD overshadowing DD: It's fine. It's not a competition so TRY real hard to stop seeing things that way. Be proud of SD and see her like a 2nd daughter of yours. Don't try to change DD and accept her for who she is. She may be young but she'll be able to pick up on your tension soon and start feeling like somewhat of a failure. Just let kids be kids.
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