3.5 y.o. biting

[Peppermint]

Yesterday my dd (3.5) bit my son 3 times, on his hand. The first time I told her "No biting, that hurt your brother". The next 2 times I won't say what my reaction was- I didn't hit her, but let's just say there was lots of yelling and if I could've taken away her birthday- I would've.

I just lost it- I am totally ok with biting when it is in the normal/developmentally appropriate stage kind of way- but she is a very smart 3.5 y.o. and she absolutely knows better, she has simply learned that when ds won't give her something, that biting his hand makes him drop it: She's no fool

I don't really know what to do about it though, I cannot take her abusing her brother, I can take a lot, but not an older child purposefully hurting a younger child

I feel like there are lots of GD approaches to this, but I really wonder how GD do I want to be about this? I mean, there truly is no other issue here than the simple fact that she figured out an easy way to get what she wants from her brother's hands

Please, any ideas to help me keep my cool with this while teaching her that this is beyond unexcepatble?

I know her seeing ds cry and me get angry can be a good thing, as those are our real reactions to her behavior, but, I have to strike a balance between showing her that I am angry and getting too angry, I just don't want to be "calm" about it, as I don't think that is *real*.

TIA!

[mamaduck]

By all means, get angry. Don't stay calm about this. Remember that you are modelling to her appropriate ways and times to express anger. Your anger is appropriate -- its right to be angry on behalf of a small child who has been attacked. You would want her to be angry about such a situation. Go ahead, be mad. Express your anger as loudly as you want to, but do so without insulting or berating her . It is possible.

Also, steer away from any approach that feels like "revenge" to you. Remember that whatever strategy you decide on, she will learn something from. If you choose retaliation, she will learn about vengance and retaliation, and she will use those tactics at some point in her life.

Not saying that you will.... but just in case.

Good luck. I don't envy you.

[Peppermint]

Thanks mamaduck- Now any ideas on strategies for me, that don't insult her, berate her, or feel like revenge? I am so lost on this one, I am usually not an angry mom, and my kids are usually (I admit) easy to deal with.:

[mamaduck]

OH MY GOSH!!!! I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT YOU *BIT* YOUR BROTHER!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? THATS AWFUL! MY BABY IS HURT, AND HE'S CRYING, AND HE'S SCARED! I'M SO ANGRY!!! I FEEL SO ANGRY I COULD SCREAM AND SHOUT! NOW I FEEL ANGRY ENOUGH TO BREAK SOMETHING! WE DON'T EVERY BITE EACH OTHER IN THIS FAMILY! WE ARE A NO BITING FAMILY!

1) Describe what happened.
2) Say what you feel about it.
3) Say what he feels about it.
4) State the rule about it.

[Peppermint]

I actually did all of that, but I felt some *need* for more, to take away some arbitrary toy, or privlidge, etc. I wanted her to have a real/concrete consequence that would MAKE her never do it again (I guess I wanted revenge )

I was thinking of even setting up some kind of reward if she doesn't bite again, I know it should be simply that when I see her talk instead of bite, I should praise that, and tell her how fabulous that way of handling the situation is.

I just can't bear the thought of it happening repeatedly- maybe I am over-reacting, it was one day, maybe it won't happen again? Maybe with praise of good behavior, and a careful eye to avoid the situation with them for the next few days will end it? Maybe I'm wishful thinking now

[mamaduck]

Well, not everyone here agrees with me, but we do time-outs for hurting. Hitting, kicking people, and calling names. Can't say that biting every came up, but if it did -- we would give a time out. My reasoning is this: If you hurt people, then you need a break from being around people in order to keep everyone safe. So, a time out seems like a logical consequence to me. And there are infinite numbers of second chances. But that is just our family, and I know many parents here feel strongly about time-outs.

Another possibility would be "banning" the toy that she was trying to get from the baby. Either for a period of time, or permenantly. Not sure I would go this route, but I do see it as legitimate in this case.

[coleslaw]

I agree with mamaduck on all posts. The only thing I would add is to give her words to use everytime she bites to get something (after the screaming, time out of the room, time without toy, etc). Like, "Little brother, can I play with that toy?" Or "Can I play with that when you are done please?" Even if ds doesn't understand or can speak (I don't know his age), that's not the point.

Practice before something happens, when everyone is calm and not in the aftermath of a situation.

Also, prepare her for ds to say no and give her words or appropriate actions at that point. Sit down with her to watch ds's play style. Maybe he only plays with something for a minute and drops it. Teach her that and maybe she'll have patience knowing she doesn't have to wait long.

My dd still bites when she is angry at times (mostly me) and we are still working on it too. It's a hard one! Good luck!