Help! Expecting sister pregnant and doesn't want to breastfeed

[wendypf]

My sister is pregnant with her first baby after 7 years TTC. All she ever wanted was to be a mom, but is completely against breastfeeding!

The last thing I want to do is alienate my sister because she needs to do what will make her be the best mom for herself... but, she is not one to research or make informed decisions... her reasons for not breastfeeding are based on her friends' experiences and relationships (formula = dad helping and breastfeeding = bad marriage). She's also really uncomfortable with breastfeeding and public displays of boobs for feeding.

I feel so sad for her because I think breastfeeding is the best thing and it makes my DD and I sooo connected... but I also know she is incredibly stubborn and probably won't change her mind...

My sister is very opinionated and does criticize some of my mothering decisions. She is pro-CIO, anti co sleeping and lets not get started with EC... however, I don't think that means I should criticize her...

Is there anything I can say? Any advice on how to deal with this? I'm usually so hands off with how other people do things, but I can't get away from feeling so badly about how she feels about BFing and how important it is...

[rparker]

Would she read a book if you gave it to her? Especially if it were presented as a general "Baby FAQ" rather than a lecture on attachment parenting? (Which in a lot of ways it is... I mean, I didn't need Dr. Sears to convince me that I should bf, co-sleep, or baby wear... but it was useful to have a chart saying how much Tylenol to give by age/weight.) Because I think that The Baby Book by Dr. Sears on the surface at least looks like a pretty mainstream "common questions in the first year," but of course it is very pro bf-ing and anti CIO. Plus it's written by an M.D. which would add a certain level of credibility among most mainstream parents.

You could also maybe find an indirect way of bring AAP guidelines concerning bf-ing to her attention. And also maybe statistics about cancer rates in mothers who don't bf.

Beyond that I'm not really sure, hopefully someone else will have better advice. My sister is still pretty young to be thinking about kids, but I can both envision her having similar opinions as well as envision myself completely losing my temper with her... more so over the CIO than the formula feeding though

[bremen]

having family in similar situations, i would go a different route.
-talk about how easy it is not to have to make bottles at night
-how much cheaper it is
-how it isn't an either/or. of course we all know exclusively breastfeeding is best, but it would be better for her baby to get some breastmilk than none. say that dad can give a bottle sometimes, and she can nurse sometimes. millions of families do this.
- how getting colostrum can help keep the baby from getting sick, and sick babies are no fun


generally stress how nursing makes things easier/cheaper/more convenient for her.
worked with my cousin! and she went on to nurse for almost a year, cause she was "too lazy for bottles"

[weliveintheforest]

Maybe you can convince her how important colostrum is, and she will consider nursing for at least a few days. That might lead to weeks or months.

When is she due? Is she planning to take prenatal classes? They may be able to convince her. Would she watch a video?

[bri276]

I would also give her the Dr. Sears baby book, and just drop gentle, positive comments about bf'ing when it comes up.

A cousin of mine recently had a baby. She was too "grossed out" by bf'ing to even try it. There was absolutely nothing anyone could have done or said to change her mind. It's very hard to accept that there are people who feel that way- but they do have a right to make that decision, and I hope that if even after your best lactivism efforts, she still decides to FF, you can come to peace with it and just help her however else you can. I say that because I know how incredibly stressful your situation would be for me (luckily my sis has already promised she will bf, she's still in college and no plans for probably another decade though!) I would be beside myself. BUT, at some point your relationship with your sister has to come first. She can still be VERY close and connected to her baby, I had to pump and I have an extremely attached and loving relationship w/my daughter- if it comes down to it, talk about bottle nursing and feeding on demand, etc. Good luck. I do hope she changes her mind.

[CHoney]

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest

Maybe you can convince her how important colostrum is, and she will consider nursing for at least a few days. That might lead to weeks or months.

I think that is a great idea. I wasn't too keen on breastfeeding because my Mom FF me and my sister and was very negative about BFing. But I read how important colostrum is and how it's good for their immune system and was determined to BF for at least 6 weeks. Now I love it so much, I don't want to stop! My husband's Mom BF all her children and he was so supportive and helpful. He even helped me get the right latch at the hospital!

Maybe you could see how her partner feels about it, and suggest ways he can make things easier for her, like bringing her something to drink, making sure she's comfortable, etc.

I know it can be a touchy subject, but she's your sister, so it's worth a shot. Maybe if you're with her at the hospital, you can also help her latch her baby on after she gives birth.

[rivkah]

This is hard. Could you try a "it doesn't have to be all or nothing" approach. From her current perspective, it seems like having her nurse only at home and FF when out or when Dh feeds baby would be an improvement. If she doesn't feel pressured, maybe she will be able to at least consider it, knowing she doesn't have to be perfect. She may find out she likes it so much that with #2, she will exclusively BF.

Personally, the CIO thing bothers me so much. When I hear people who do it, I just can't help feeling so bad for those babies.

Is she at all an environmentally conscience person? I can't think of anything more wasteful than the production and distribution of factory-made infant formula from factory-farms cows.

[hipmummy]

Ditto on The Sears book. Maybe she will see all of the cute Baby bottoms on the cover and start to think a little.:

[Siera]

I agree with the suggestion of letting her know how much easier nighttime feedings are when breastfeeding and how much cheaper and convenient BF'ing is. Also, what about this?

http://www.normalfed.com/Why/wean.html

[wendypf]

Thanks everyone for your responses!

I haven't tried the dr sears book, but think its worth a try. I'm hoping when she meets the baby, any CIO ideas she had, will fade away -- its easy to say, just let the baby cry, when its not yours. (fingers crossed)

I've mentioned pumping so her hubby can feed the baby too, but I never said you can do FF too -- that may help!

I was surprised that the economic side of BFing didn't appeal to her... didn't work with cloth diapers either -- and forget about the environment as a reason -- formula production is a few steps too far from her to appreciate the impact

Thanks for the link Siera -- nice and simple!

Honestly, I think I need to learn to cope with her parenting and support her in her efforts because I don't think there is much I can do to persuade her otherwise... But I'll keep up the passive discussions about the benefits of breastfeeding anyway -- I think I may have gotten her interested in babywearing at least!

[Carita]

I don't know your sister - but I am ashamed of some of the things I said before having my son!!! I agree on a copy of Dr. Sears Baby Book - I wish someone had given a copy to me when I was pregnant. And also on the first 6 weeks of milk - if you can get her to BFed though 6 weeks, maybe that will last longer.

[clutterbug]

I agree with PP suggestion of giving her The Baby Book and stressing that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

As for the CIO...she has waited 7 years for this baby, maybe she will surprise herself (and you!) with her approaches to parenting after she meets her long-awaited little one and falls head over heels in love

[siobhang]

btw, the argument that worked with a friend of mine (who has never had a baby/been pregnant but is seriously considering it) was the weight loss.

She has always been conscious of her weight and super concerned about losing the baby weight right after. I told her "well, you'd better breastfeed then, because that alone burns an extra 500 calories. And it gets your uterus back in shape, pronto, so it doesn't get as saggy."

When she said that she didn't want to breastfeed b/c it would make her boobs saggy, I told her "then don't get pregnant. It isn't the breastfeeding, it is the pregnancy that makes them saggy. That and age/gravity. But while you are breastfeeding, they tend to be a lot fuller/perkier."

So recently she told me she'd decided that she'd breastfeed during maternity leave. hey, 3 months is better than nothing.

'course she still isn't pregnant, but it is still a big step from her adamant "no no, never, ew gross" attitude before.

[Kappa]

Well, I think you've already done the best you can do. You've modeled, in the flesh, a positive breastfeeding relationship and the proof is already in the pudding. If she would rather model herself after friends than her own sister, let her. You will be there for support if/when she changes her mind about certain practices. Too bad her baby will probably have to suffer a bit while she learns the "hard way."

And while I always hear others sing the praises of "Daddy can feed the baby!," my husband feels like he has his hands plenty full bathing, changing diapers, doing laundry, and holding the baby. There's enough to-do's to go around for everyone!

[Gabe'sMummy]

When is she due? She will probably still be doing nightfeeds by the time winter comes, and getting up to warm a bottle is no fun. Yes you can get bottle warmers and keep them in the bedroom but they take a lot longer than a jug of hot water and no one likes to listen to their baby scream in hunger and comfort them while trying to make bottle with other hand.

Can you tell I FF DS? Gave up BF very quickly and regret it now. We had latch problems. I really am too lazy for bottles, washing, sterilising, boiling kettle, measuring powder in those annoying little tubs. Also, DS has had a few colds and 1 chest infection. Poorly baby who refuses to eat and has poor weight gain = no fun. for anyone.

I dont know what I'd do, if it was my own sister I would remind her of all of this!

But the book might work too

[Chavelamomela]

I'm looking at this from another angle. You mentioned that your sister thinks your parenting practices are strange. From your sister's perspective, you are the "extreme" opposite of her, and you're sooooo different, and she just won't be receptive to someone like you, who is so dif't from her. There could also be sister-vibes that could also affect her decision to be dif't from you.

Do you know other people who are BFers who could have a less-emotional conversation with her? I know you're probably not emotional about it, but from her perspective, there may be a lot of sub-text and undercurrents to any conversation you'll have with your sister about parenting decisions.

I do agree that the Dr. Sears angle is good, but you may need to bring out the big guns here, and find some of her friends who are pro bfing to have those conversations w. her.

Good luck!

[wendypf]

Chavelamomela you are right! I can feel it come from her words, with things like the baby in a crib and using a pacifier -- especially the pacifier. Now I wasn't even completely anti pacifier and if I thought it would have helped that much, maybe I would have tried, but in reality, DD wasn't interested and I was't interested in making her. I was always happy she prefered me!

I'm not sure if it includes breastfeeding, since thats a little more mainstream and a lot of her friends do it. She's been antibreastfeeding since before I got pregnant (she's been trying for so long, so she's been thinking about it that long too!), though I think me doing it doesn't help the cause.

[krystyn33]

I was so sad when my sister gave up BFing when her little one was around two weeks old. She had her reasons and I found myself having a hard time trying to walk the line between offering encouragement to succeed with BFing and giving her the emotional support she needed. She made it clear that she was sure she wanted to give up and was afraid of judgment from me, so I bit my tongue and gave her support as best I could. But it was SO hard, and then when her daughter was a couple months old she had feelings of regret for giving up. (Gave her info on relactating but then I had to step back to not pressure her.) I just have to work very hard on thinking carefully before I say something and trying to see things from her point of view. We are very different in so many ways and probably would not be close if we weren't sisters but we love each other very much and that keeps our connection and the mutual respect going despite our differences. It is worth the effort, but it is an effort.

Don't know if that's any help, but you aren't alone.

[lmj928]

I just wanted to say I really understand what you're feeling - it is easy to go on boards and debate or give advice to people we don't know, but when it is someone you know closely and have a relationship with, it's hard to know where to draw the line and try not to step on toes, while still caring so much for the good of mother & baby in your eyes. You've already been a good example of BFing and parenting choices, I'd just try to plant some seeds...maybe write her one very thoughtful carefully written email explaining how and why you feel this way, and if she ever wants any advice or help about BFing or anything like that, you're there for her, but that either way, you completely respect her decision and would never judge her. Then step back, and give her space.
Maybe when you see positive articles about benefits of BF and other things, send it as a FWD, to her and several others, or post it to your facebook page if you have one and shes on there, things like that.
Just some ideas. I wish you luck and I really hope your sister comes around!!

[mama24-7]

If you want to be frank w/ someone, you're reason for avoiding formula can be melamine. There have been no studies (that I have heard of) on what is safe for adults let alone children. The FDA is guessing at what is safe after originally saying no amount was safe.

Good luck w/ your sis. My SIL is pregnant after trying for almost 5 years to get pregnant & is no expecting twins. She is going w/ a dr. (in spite of living in an area w/ a ton of midwives) so I'm sure she'll be signed up for her early c-sec in no time (she's due in the summer) and won't research a thing, just do what she's told. It's a tough position to be in.

Sus