Stepson stealing personal items - Page 3

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by plunky

Three, I'm also a dude. I'm disappointed to see that the OP has just gotten affirmation that her freaking out was appropriate. I do agree that a "come to Jesus" meeting is necessary between the kid and his father. See my post about what this kid needs to learn on the first page. But stepmom has to own up to her bad reactions as well. She is the adult in this situation. This can be either be a teaching opportunity for her stepson that can make him into a better man, or it can be an antagonist, shameful blamefest that will push him away from her household. Refusing to accept that she overreacted will make it the latter.

Disagree completely. She didn't freak out until it was becoming some sort of sick pattern of invasion of privacy, and outright defiance of both parents. Her language may not have been the best choice, but the girl needs to see that her privacy and sexuality are being protected and valued by both her parents.

[myra_mcgray]

I am not trying to be difficult but I am disturbed by the boys will be boys tone of the last few post. There are lots of things that boys and men do that violate women and their sense of safety and security. What the original poster is saying is that she feels violated and afraid for her daughters safety. SHE HAS TO PUT LOCKS IN HER DOORS. Yes she overreacted when she called him perverse. But we live in a culture that condones the idea of boys being boys = violating women. I am not anti-boy I have 2 whom i am trying to raise to understand that even if the culture tells you that women are commodities and gag jokes based on panty raids in movies or spying on them in the showers is ok.It is not. I am not anti-porn I have worked in the sex indusrty and believe consensual sex acts are great but we are not talking about consent here and most of the men and women in this country have been on some end of non-consensual sex acts whether stealing panties or having panties stolen or being raped or raping or everything in between. So to the men who casually disregard OP's SS as boys being boys I have to say. If there is no consent it is not okay. Obviously if OP is going to be able to keep her family together she needs to figure out more productive ways to deal with this than calling her SS names and threatening him but her daughter also needs to see her mom standing up for her when someone violates her and her SS need to know thay actig w/o consent is not ok.

[bigeyes]

Yes!

And the OP's daughters need to be reassured that they will not always lose when there is a conflict between them and the stepson. Right now it's 2 parents against 1.

That isn't fair. The OP's dh should not always side with his ds, especially when he's clearly in the wrong.

Also, just because the dss's bio-mom is against counseling does not mean his father can't take him anyway. Somebody needs to find out what is going on with him. If his arm was broken and his mother didn't want to take him to the doctor his dad wouldn't just go along with her, would he? How is this any different?

[plunky]

Originally Posted by myra_mcgray

I am not trying to be difficult but I am disturbed by the boys will be boys tone of the last few post. There are lots of things that boys and men do that violate women and their sense of safety and security.

I would really appreciate it if you would read the whole thread instead of knee jerk reacting to one or two posts. I agree that "boys will be boys" is not OK. Please read my post #18 in this thread.

But saying that the kid did wrong is only half of this. If this kid was HER kid, and not a stepson, do you think she'd be threatening to call the cops and so on? I think not. There was wrong behavior on more than the stepson's part here. Just like "boys will be boys" is wrong, so is "mama bear can do whatever".

[Yoshua]

no one said anything about it being boys will be boys. nor did anyone suggest 'nothing' be done.


Saying this is a part of sexual exploration does not justify stealing, taking personal items from siblings that are sensitive in nature, nor spying (which to my knowledge only came up in a post that had nothing to do with the OP)


It is explaining 'why' it is happening, and then giving valid suggestions on how to help him.


All I see in this thread is MY KIDS vs THEIR KIDS. and not 'LETS HELP OUR KIDS'.

Sorry, as a step parent all of my kids are my kids and I wouldn't threaten any of my kids with calling the cops on them. I would try to help them with what the issue is.


And coming in and saying my suggestions amounts to 'boys will be boys' makes no sense. No where did I say anything of the sort.


So don't try to deflate others suggestions to promote your own. Having an overly aggressive mama bear is not going to help the situation. Sure her daughter will get the SENSE that mom is helping, but if mom's helping makes the kid hide his actions more, trust me. It isn't helping ANYONE.

[tireesix]

After a year of it, I would have blown up, and this kid is 16, he should know wrong from right.

[Yoshua]

Originally Posted by tireesix

After a year of it, I would have blown up, and this kid is 16, he should know wrong from right.

Reasoning isn't done being developped until 25. How you handle a situation like this helps this kid develop reasoning.

[bigeyes]

If there are locks on the doors and the stepson's bioparents are refusing to take him to counseling, I'd say there is already an us VS them atmosphere.

Odds are there was already an us VS them dynamic, or he wouldn't have felt like he could do something like this in the first place.

The reality is, the OP can't approach any problem with her stepson on her own. She has to have her dh on the same page. I've BTDT, and the problems start when there are different standards for his kids and your kids, and you aren't co-parenting.

In her shoes, I would be having a long discussion with dh about presenting a united front to his ex, and to all of the children, for the sake of their marriage.

[tireesix]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

Reasoning isn't done being developped until 25. How you handle a situation like this helps this kid develop reasoning.

I will tell you what I know.

My brother had similar issues to the boy mentioned, yeah people talked to him, were nice to him, tried all sorts, he was forever stealing stuff and nothing worked, then, he sexually assaulted me.

Of course, the boy in this thread might not do that, but its a fear I would have.

Seems to me the SM has tried, so she lost it, once, big deal. Compared to what she, her daughter and SIL in law are going through it doesn't seem like an awful response to me.

Also, it wouldn't matter if it was my step child or bio child behaving like this, they would be down the Docs ASAP.

Having to lock your bedrooms is not acceptable.
To feel so violated and fear it happening again is not acceptable.

It seems to me the SM is just as worried about her SS mental health etc as she is about her daughters.

ETA: Currently NAK which is why the whole post reads so bad, its not supposed to come across so rough and harsh.

[plunky]

Originally Posted by tireesix

I will tell you what I know.

My brother had similar issues to the boy mentioned, yeah people talked to him, were nice to him, tried all sorts, he was forever stealing stuff and nothing worked, then, he sexually assaulted me.

I'm sorry you went through that. I fear that this sort of thing will happen to my daughter when she grows up. Long time in the future, though. I agree completely that this kid needs to learn about consent, about how this sort of thing is nonconsensual, and about how common it is for women to be raped.

Seems to me the SM has tried, so she lost it, once, big deal. Compared to what she, her daughter and SIL in law are going through it doesn't seem like an awful response to me.

I agree that losing her temper is not a terrible thing....IF she acknowledges that she freaked out and tries to rebuild some relationship with this kid. I don't agree that it's reasonable for adults to be scared of children, brow beat them, label them as things that they aren't guilty of yet based on things that others in their family have done.

I don't think it's reasonable that some people have highjacked this thread with stories about their relatives who have psychological problems etc etc. It is not a foregone conclusion that this kid is a troubled pervert.

Also, it wouldn't matter if it was my step child or bio child behaving like this, they would be down the Docs ASAP.

Notice that you mentioned a doctor, not the police like the OP did.

Having to lock your bedrooms is not acceptable.
To feel so violated and fear it happening again is not acceptable.

I agree with this completely.

It seems to me the SM is just as worried about her SS mental health etc as she is about her daughters.

I have seen nothing from the OP to support this claim.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by plunky

I don't think it's reasonable that some people have highjacked this thread with stories about their relatives who have psychological problems etc etc. It is not a foregone conclusion that this kid is a troubled pervert.

I don't feel like it's hijacking to back up the OP when so many are piling on.
Having been in a similar position it really pisses me off to see people berate someone when they come here asking for help. :

Originally Posted by plunky

I have seen nothing from the OP to support this claim.

Really? Maybe you need to read more closely. How about this?

Originally Posted by momtostepteens

My husband IS going to have a heart to heart w/ this young man AGAIN this weekend...he also feels this behavior IS NOT NORMAL..and agrees that his son needs some help, but that his ex has hands tied in seeking counseling.[/B]

This is what happens in blended families. When one child has a problem, the bioparent wants to look the other way, especially if it involves challenging the other bioparent. The stepparent is made out to be the bad guy, and their children suffer.

This kid needs help, and if dad doesn't step up to the plate, he's going to end up divorced for the second time. He's so afraid of his ex, and of losing his son's love, he lets them run his life at his current wife's and her children's expense.

Anyone in her shoes for any length of time would lose it sooner or later. Until you've lived in a situation where you've felt the need to lock doors or keep your purse on you 24/7, you cannot understand what it's like. Apparently I'm the only other person in this thread who does, and I believe the OP has absolutely got to insist her dh get her dss to counseling.

If you have not dealt with something like this, you just don't have any right to criticize her. You cannot imagine the stress she's living with. Well, unless you have PTSD, then maybe you can.

[plunky]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

I don't feel like it's hijacking to back up the OP when so many are piling on.
Having been in a similar position it really pisses me off to see people berate someone when they come here asking for help. :

You are being ridiculous. There were two of us talking to her (in multiple posts with back and forth) before you got in the thread. Two people is not a huge pile on. And Jellyfish or whatever her name is was hardly berating the OP. I was a bit, because I've been a confused teenage boy berated by authority because of things I thought and felt. I felt for the SS's situation, and thought it would be helpful for the OP to see a different point of view.

Later, when she admitted that perhaps she overreacted, I sympathized with her and offered suggestions for what a teenage boy should learn about this sort of thing. You, of course, completely ignored those portions of the thread and just kept on ranting.

You were not in a similar situation. Your situation is a nightmare scenario compared to this. It may have started in a similar way, but the two are not analogous. And none of the people "berating" the OP have told her that she should excuse and/or ignore his behavior. Another part that you completely ignored.

[bigeyes]

Actually, the OP and I had a conversation and she did feel piled on. As I have experienced the exact same thing, I feel I do know what I'm talking about with regard to asking for help and getting slapped in the forums. That is what I'm talking about, being a stepmother with a problem and being berated in the forums when asking for help.

There were several comments removed already, and tone is sometimes difficult to read online. I am not ranting, sorry if you feel that way.


Several times it has been repeated that the OP made an error, though she has stated herself that she did. To me, that is berating and belaboring the point.

She is asking for help, and going over and over the fact that she told him he was perverted, when she already said she was going to apologize for it, is counterproductive.

[Yoshua]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

Actually, the OP and I had a conversation and she did feel piled on. As I have experienced the exact same thing, I feel I do know what I'm talking about with regard to asking for help and getting slapped in the forums. That is what I'm talking about, being a stepmother with a problem and being berated in the forums when asking for help.

There were several comments removed already, and tone is sometimes difficult to read online. I am not ranting, sorry if you feel that way.


Several times it has been repeated that the OP made an error, though she has stated herself that she did. To me, that is berating and belaboring the point.

She is asking for help, and going over and over the fact that she told him he was perverted, when she already said she was going to apologize for it, is counterproductive.

and then after being told she was justified in saying it she waffled and said she may just let it pass.

Then plunky came in and said it was a mistake to let it pass.


Potato Potato. You are right, she is here for help. I don't think nullifying that this young man is growing and the direction he is given now can pave his future just to let another sibling know you are looking out for them comes out in the wash.


Her daughter KNOWS she has her back, it is time for her SON to know she is there for him too. And that STARTS with rectifying wrongs. Apologizing for calling him a pervert is a good way to start that. Letting it slide is a good way to damage the relationship.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

Her daughter KNOWS she has her back, it is time for her SON to know she is there for him too. And that STARTS with rectifying wrongs. Apologizing for calling him a pervert is a good way to start that. Letting it slide is a good way to damage the relationship.

That's a good call.

But she and dad need to present a united front. She cannot approach him alone. I know by not being a team in the beginning, we made things much more difficult for ourselves.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by plunky

If this kid was HER kid, and not a stepson, do you think she'd be threatening to call the cops and so on? I think not.

I think not either. But that's because if he was HER kid, she could get him into counselling, instead of having to let it go.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

I think not either. But that's because if he was HER kid, she could get him into counselling, instead of having to let it go.

So true. It's frustrating and painful to know someone needs help when the people who have authority to get help for them won't.

I think people feel like getting help is an admission of failure or something. But to me, not getting help when your child is crying out for it is the real failure.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

Her daughter KNOWS she has her back, it is time for her SON to know she is there for him too. And that STARTS with rectifying wrongs. Apologizing for calling him a pervert is a good way to start that. Letting it slide is a good way to damage the relationship.

Bolding mine

I didn't see anywhere where she said that she called him a pervert. She said that what he DID was perverse...which it is. Behavior...not the person. I don't know what else she could have said that would bring it home to this boy why what he did was so bad. She should have used the words, sexual violation and a few other things to really let him know that it's NOT ok. I'm sure he already knows that though. Does he understand that sexual violation is a crime? Does he understand how society sees it? Sugar coating it for him isn't helping him at all.

Also, the implication that you shouldn't call this boy on his actions because it will just cause him to go into hiding really infuriates me. He's already doing this and hiding it. It's not like he openly stole these things. Sexual violations of any kind cannot be tolerated. Also, the idea of rewarding him with his own computer so that he be sexually deviant there instead.....well, if that's not a "Boys will be boys" attitude, then I don't know what is.

Whether the frontal lobe is firmly reattached before 25 or not is irrelevent. He's sliding down a slope that is very dangerous for him. He could end up on prison if this isn't dealt with. If he gets away with this, what's to stop him from going further? Counseling would be a great start.

OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?

[bigeyes]

I agree. I don't see how the computer is a good idea either.

[Laggie]

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a teenaged boy would REPEATEDLY steal tampons and underwear due to normal sexual curiosity. Once, I could chalk up to curiosity, but doing it over and over? Even after being caught doing it? That seems... off, to me.

I can't even begin to guess at what the motivation is, but I would find that very disturbing.