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Stepson stealing personal items - Page 4

post #61 of 100
I've been thinking about this thread a lot since I read it. I'm a step child, not a step parent, so I probably have a different view of it. I've also been close with people who suffered from different sexual addictions and had shame from suffering from them.

1. I do not view my stepdad as my parent, and he doesn't try to parent me. He doesn't view it as his job. We are fine with this arrangement. I would be annoyed if he tried to make me go to counseling, etc., though I've never done anything to warrant it. This would need to come from my parent.

2. The stepson in this situation is sexually violating his stepmother and stepsister. There is no other way around this. He needs to suffer the consequences. This is not normal behavior. This means counseling.

3. If I were the OP I would give my DH an ultimatum, but I'm VERY outspoken when it comes to feeling taken advantage of. I do not tolerate BS well. It seems the DH and bio-mom in this situation value their child's feelings over the physical and psychological safety of the OP's daughter. This is INCORRECT AND WRONG. If nothing is done, they are teaching him that it is okay to violate women.

4. I do think the stepson needs a controlled outlet for his sexual feelings. I do not think the internet is the solution. Something like a racy magazine or erotic fiction would work, because the dad would have control of what he had access to, whereas the internet access could lead him down some very scary paths.

That is my two cents. Again, I'm not a step parent, so you can take my advice or leave it.
post #62 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
Bolding mine

I didn't see anywhere where she said that she called him a pervert. She said that what he DID was perverse...which it is. Behavior...not the person. I don't know what else she could have said that would bring it home to this boy why what he did was so bad. She should have used the words, sexual violation and a few other things to really let him know that it's NOT ok. I'm sure he already knows that though. Does he understand that sexual violation is a crime? Does he understand how society sees it? Sugar coating it for him isn't helping him at all.

Also, the implication that you shouldn't call this boy on his actions because it will just cause him to go into hiding really infuriates me. He's already doing this and hiding it. It's not like he openly stole these things. Sexual violations of any kind cannot be tolerated. Also, the idea of rewarding him with his own computer so that he be sexually deviant there instead.....well, if that's not a "Boys will be boys" attitude, then I don't know what is.

Whether the frontal lobe is firmly reattached before 25 or not is irrelevent. He's sliding down a slope that is very dangerous for him. He could end up on prison if this isn't dealt with. If he gets away with this, what's to stop him from going further? Counseling would be a great start.

OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?
If you tell a 16 year old kid that what he is doing is perverse and you don't think they will take it as you calling them a pervert I don't know what to tell you.


way to ostrisize instead of heal. I can't believe how many parents think ridicule is a way to heal.

Way to read an entire thread. No one has said give this kid a pass. However a parent should never call their children names and expect a healthy relationship to form from it. If a relationship is already unhealthy, the last time I checked? name calling didn't fix it.
post #63 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a teenaged boy would REPEATEDLY steal tampons and underwear due to normal sexual curiosity. Once, I could chalk up to curiosity, but doing it over and over? Even after being caught doing it? That seems... off, to me.

I can't even begin to guess at what the motivation is, but I would find that very disturbing.
Who said normal?

I said sexual curiosity. It is very possible that any number of circumstances has caused him to feel ashamed to the point where he has resolved himself to these actions. We have no idea what is going on in his head, I doubt his parents do.

I find it disturbing too and I would be looking to the root of what is causing the problem and not the symptoms you are seeing.
post #64 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by alicewyf View Post
I've been thinking about this thread a lot since I read it. I'm a step child, not a step parent, so I probably have a different view of it. I've also been close with people who suffered from different sexual addictions and had shame from suffering from them.

1. I do not view my stepdad as my parent, and he doesn't try to parent me. He doesn't view it as his job. We are fine with this arrangement. I would be annoyed if he tried to make me go to counseling, etc., though I've never done anything to warrant it. This would need to come from my parent.

2. The stepson in this situation is sexually violating his stepmother and stepsister. There is no other way around this. He needs to suffer the consequences. This is not normal behavior. This means counseling.

3. If I were the OP I would give my DH an ultimatum, but I'm VERY outspoken when it comes to feeling taken advantage of. I do not tolerate BS well. It seems the DH and bio-mom in this situation value their child's feelings over the physical and psychological safety of the OP's daughter. This is INCORRECT AND WRONG. If nothing is done, they are teaching him that it is okay to violate women.

4. I do think the stepson needs a controlled outlet for his sexual feelings. I do not think the internet is the solution. Something like a racy magazine or erotic fiction would work, because the dad would have control of what he had access to, whereas the internet access could lead him down some very scary paths.

That is my two cents. Again, I'm not a step parent, so you can take my advice or leave it.
I agree with everything you said here. catch 22 is this is a step child situation. If his bio mother doesn't agree with the racy magazine it takes 2 seconds to call the police on the father for providing a minor child with porn/racy magazine.

The internet is the only 'legal' option a parent has for plausible deniablity. If they could get the bio mom on board I'd agree with this previous post 100%



I too am the product of being a step child, but my step dad was hands off from the get go except the one time he tried to be hands on. Luckily that was old enough for me to defend myself and it really only happened once. If he tried to parent me I would have rebelled too. Which is why in my original post I said it should be the dad that has this talk, or a unified front. But coming from a guy it is awkward enough having those talks with your dad without your mom/step mom present.
post #65 of 100
Thread Starter 
OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?[/QUOTE]


Only thing the mother said was in anger of saying the action was perverse...and her apologize to me.....now that is a laugh...that would never happen in this world...
My daughter....she keeps her key to her room on a chain around her neck...and locks her door all the time that her sb's are here...she knows I am trying to stop this and says it is not my fault on what is happening....but that he "sure could use some sort of counseling".
My SIL was given back her belongings by my SS and did apologize...he did it quickly and walked away, but he did do it. He is not allowed at my SIL house and is not allowed to be alone w/ her little children. She is very upset and feels the same way I do...we ALL want this young man to get some help...BUT will not tolerate actions like this again.....It is time for this to stop.
My SIL has spoken to her brother and all three of us agree that it is time this young man gets some help.....my DH is to speak again to his ex tomorrow on this subject.

As for a computer in his room......NOPE.....and DH agrees....never in a million years....AND DH has also said of the "girly" magazines that they would end up at the bio mom's house and she would blow a cork and take him to court over giving his son pornography......

So do you see where the head is constantly hitting the wall here??

YES......I am going to apologize to my SS this weekend....for blowing a cork at him......not for saying it was pervous...but also explain to him how his actions make not only myself and my daughter, but also ANY NORMAL woman would feel on this......VIOLATED....
post #66 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtostepteens View Post
OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?

Only thing the mother said was in anger of saying the action was perverse...and her apologize to me.....now that is a laugh...that would never happen in this world...
My daughter....she keeps her key to her room on a chain around her neck...and locks her door all the time that her sb's are here...she knows I am trying to stop this and says it is not my fault on what is happening....but that he "sure could use some sort of counseling".
My SIL was given back her belongings by my SS and did apologize...he did it quickly and walked away, but he did do it. He is not allowed at my SIL house and is not allowed to be alone w/ her little children. She is very upset and feels the same way I do...we ALL want this young man to get some help...BUT will not tolerate actions like this again.....It is time for this to stop.
My SIL has spoken to her brother and all three of us agree that it is time this young man gets some help.....my DH is to speak again to his ex tomorrow on this subject.

As for a computer in his room......NOPE.....and DH agrees....never in a million years....AND DH has also said of the "girly" magazines that they would end up at the bio mom's house and she would blow a cork and take him to court over giving his son pornography......

So do you see where the head is constantly hitting the wall here??

YES......I am going to apologize to my SS this weekend....for blowing a cork at him......not for saying it was pervous...but also explain to him how his actions make not only myself and my daughter, but also ANY NORMAL woman would feel on this......VIOLATED....
[/QUOTE]

If you ARE the one to broach the subject I would add something about the difference between consensual and not consensual and something my sex ed teacher touched on when i was in like 6th or 7th grade. How waiting for consensual may feel like a long hard wait but it is worth the wait to have someone feel the same about him as he does about them. Then get back on how you/your daughter feel violated because it isn't consensual.

Link the items together. I still think it should be your husband that has the talk, it will hit home better. But so long as someone does it those are a few tips. As you know with teens telling them 'don't do something' typically means they want to more, but telling a teen some form of fix to a problem makes them think about it themselves often times. not all times. but good luck on your talk. I hope it all comes out well for everyone.


I also hope that you don't see anything I said as an attack, yes I hit on the perverse comment alot, but most of that was not directed AT you, it was to the posters I was responding too.


I agree, step situation, racy magazines are a negative. But there HAS to be some outlet. like I said when i was a teenager my dad left sports illustrated and victoria's secret in the bathroom. If a magazine like THAT winds up at the bio mom's house you can say he snagged them out of your collections and you'd like them back.
post #67 of 100
I'm trying to find some sympathy for the biomom's actions, as I'm sure she feels attacked hearing about this from her ex's new wife and her ex-sil, and she wants to defend her son...but I keep thinking if he had done this at someone's house who was not related, their mom might have freaked out and called CPS or something, yk?

I'm sure she believes she's acting in her son's best interest here, even though I think she's not doing the right thing...and it has to be horrible to hear these things about your child.
post #68 of 100
OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG! This is disturbing behavior on a mothering site full of women. What the OP's son is doing is not OK. I don't know if it truly is a stepping stone to future acts of sexual abuse but I wouldn't just wait around for it to progress that far.

I think that how the OP reacted was a variation of normal when it comes to being a human being. Was it perfect, no, but I'm sorry, if someone was stealing my underwear and my sanitary products, I would not be using small words with them- that is just not normal (maybe the underwear stuff is some variation of normal for teenage boys but sanitary products...ummmm). This isn't the time for holding hands and natural consequences and redirecting and mincing words, this is the time for adult talk and proactive parenting on the part of the boy's father and mother. This young man is 16 not 6. He needs some counseling to at least explore what is going on because it is something and it is not just the benign "sexual curiosity" excuse. Frankly, if it really were just sexual curiosity than he should go out and by his own sanitary products- he can pretend that they're for his girlfriend.

Anyways, OP, I hope you are able to get a resolution to this. I hope most of all that his parents are proactive about investigating into this and I hope he gets whatever help he needs. I'm glad that you didn't just stay quiet about this- hopefully his parents are getting a wakeup call.
post #69 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimiij View Post
OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG!


I'm still chuckling over someone getting their boxers in a knot over the boy being called perverse, then turning around and calling me ridiculous. Pot, meet kettle. Namecalling is OK when it's you.
post #70 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimiij View Post
OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG! This is disturbing behavior on a mothering site full of women. What the OP's son is doing is not OK. I don't know if it truly is a stepping stone to future acts of sexual abuse but I wouldn't just wait around for it to progress that far.


It's just you. the difference is the guys are looking for solutions that don't involve destroying a family unit.

None of the guys have said 'don't get help' None.

So yup, just you.
post #71 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimiij View Post
OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG! This is disturbing behavior on a mothering site full of women. What the OP's son is doing is not OK. I don't know if it truly is a stepping stone to future acts of sexual abuse but I wouldn't just wait around for it to progress that far.
It's not just you, but this is a mischaracterization of what I've been saying. I was the first person to use the word "nonconsensual" in this thread. I agree that this kid needs a serious talking to. I think it needs to start from his father, though. Post 18 in this thread covers my thoughts on the subject.
post #72 of 100
I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
post #73 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
Please show a post in here that states anyone thinks it isn't a problem nor it shouldnt be dealth with please?
post #74 of 100
ok, so i stop defending anything. Why don't those of you who are choosing to throw one liners in here to demean other peoples posts actually post some possible solutions for the OP.

Might be more productive if you actually give some insite as to how YOU would handle the situation instead of tearing apart what other people have said and not giving ANY suggestions or solutions.
post #75 of 100
Ran the thread past my dh.

He said if it was his ds, he would be taking him to counseling or stopping overnight visits in his home, period, rather than subject his wife and daughters to this. He also thought the idea of a computer was bizarre.

Neither of us had to deal with a NCP, so I'm not sure of the legalities....is there any legal reason why one parent can't take a child to counseling without the other parent's permission?
post #76 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
I'd be satisfied with the women in this post actually reading mine.
post #77 of 100
.....
post #78 of 100
I can sort of answer the question about how it would be sexually violating. It is the same as sexual harrassment. It isn't up tot he person who is perpetrating it to determine how the recipient will feel or respond to it. If they FEEL sexually violated, then they are. That is how it works with sexual harrassment in the work place too.


As for this situation it is up to the mom and daughter to sort out how they feel, but obviously they feel violated and that is the important part to focus on. And hopefully find solutions to resolve.
post #79 of 100
What are the chances that your step son possibly, and I dont want to offend ANYONE, but possibly be using the items for cross dressing or in the closet? (not the gay closet, but some other form of not coming out) Is it possible he feels transgendered and ashamed to voice it?

If that is the case then calling him a pervert is REALLY the wrong way to handle the situation. And before you say 'of course not!' really think about the possibility.
post #80 of 100
That's an interesting perspective that had not occurred to me.

Is he taking the things in a secretive manner, or is he taking them to call attention to the act?
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