DH angry/hurt about my birth plan - Page 2

[somelady]

I'm gonna have to be a voice of dissent on the Hypnobabies recommendation. While it was awesome for me, it really didn't help my dh. Now he wasn't exactly faithful about doing his cd and whatnot, but I also get the impression that that isn't uncommon.

I will agree that he's probably afraid after what happened last time. We had to transfer from a FSBC, and later he said when I was asking the midwife later if I'd have the same problem at another birth he was thinking "There's no way I'm putting you through that again"

[DesperateHousewife]

I'm so glad you got your hands on The Husband Coached Birth -- my DH says it is by far the best resource he's read. After reading that book, he has totally embraced his role as a birthing partner and is really looking forward to his role during labor. He also thought the whole natural birth choice made so much more sense after reading that book -- for some reason, the section discussing animals giving birth really clicked for him???

Ditto to PP re: Hypnobabies. While I've gotten a lot out of it, my DH hasn't at all. It just does not click with him. I just tell him some of the Hypnobabies techniques and we incorporate them into the relaxation exercies DH and I do based on the Bradley book.

HTH -- Good luck!!

[amyicatania]

class to take/book to read

I would absolutely second a pp's recommendation of Birthing From Within - the books or the classes - I think they can complement both the Bradley and Birth Partner books. The book "Birthing From Within" has a pretty accessible chapter just for fathers/partners.

If there is a BFW mentor in your area who teaches "Birthin' Again", that might also be a perfect class to help both of you to feel confident in yourselves and each other and to help him work through any unresolved issues from your first birth. It is a shorter class for parents who need a refresher to prepare and/or work through stuff from earlier birth(s).

(Full disclosure: I took BFW as an expectant parent and both my partner and I found much of it it so helpful, I am now working on becoming a mentor).

I know there are mentors in Virginia. You can find BFW mentors at the website: http://www.birthingfromwithin.com/teachers

[kangaroomum25]

It can be very frustrating when you think you've done all you can to prepare for birth and then it doesn't go like it should...and then you find out it could've been different if you'd known more.

I too read "what to expect ..." many times and took the hospital course. I really feel they did nothing to prepare me for natural childbirth. It wasn't until pg #2 that I read Henci's book "the thinking woman's guide to better childbirth" and then tons of other books and watched some good birth movies. Keep reading, keep talking with dh

[wombatclay]

Big hugs! I feel like the partners who observe traumatic births have a huge well of their own pain, but no good places to discuss it or work through it. I know I've been in ICAN meetings where a mother talks about how her partner is not in favor of a vbac because of how the previous birth went, or where a partner breaks down and reveals just how deeply they still hurt as a result of the trauma inflicted on them as well by the birth. It's a hard thing to address, especially in a culture where partners are often expected to keep feelings hidden or be able to "fix" things or be "protectors". I know it took my DH a year or two to really work through the emotions and fears raised by dd1's birth...

I did do hypnobabies for my vbac with dd2 and here's the thing... DH wasn't really involved in any of the prep work. He didn't do the cds, he didn't read the scripts, and I didn't expect him to/want him to. Hypnobabies was for me so that I could better experience my birth and avoid interventions. And because I felt more calm and comfortable it helped DH relax too. So the program was great (and we'll be doing it again) but mostly because it helped ME remain calm and focused and let DH see that I really wasn't in "pain" or needing to be "fixed". So that's another way to think about it.

And while I feel you should have whatever birth support you want/need, I agree that maybe a doula would be better for birth support. We're planning a homebirth this time and still plan on including a doula to support dh during the birth. Seriously, I've had a doula for each birth and we were very clear that we wanted her to help dh help me. She didn't replace him in any way, but she was able to remind him of the things I wanted, help him find the best support positions (for counterpressure, for supported squatting, for acupressure foot rubs), fetch things we'd left in different rooms or out in the car, support me for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom or got a snack or splashed water on his face. Basically she supported me by empowering DH, and she also took some of the pressure off DH... he didn't have to remember everything and be everywhere. He could just experience the birth of his babe along with me.

It's great that you have a few months to work through this together with your partner... and great that you're both open to having this sort of conversation! I hope he comes to support you in the ways you need and that you have a wonderful birth.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by heatherweh

The "standard books" like What to Expect when You're Expecting and whatnot are somewhat informative and educational, but also gloss over a lot of things.

Yup, well if "what to expect" is anythign like "The Mayo Clinic's Guide to Pregnancy" I'd say, when it comes to birth, it's a rag fit only for kindling. Basically, it tells nothing of teh "truth" about the medical birth machine & trains women to be blindly trust their docs. :

Originally Posted by heatherweh

I know, its a whole laundry list isn't it? In order to accomplish all this I need to have some pretty fabulous support- a natural birth in a hospital isn't the easiest thing to achieve admittedly.

: BINGO! Exactly! Yup. IN order to accomplish a natural birth, you MUST have the right setting - & most hospitals do tons of things to make it MORE difficult. : Like continuous EFM (so your movement is restricted & you can't shower / get in a bathtub) & "nothing by mouth" so you're hooked to an IV & can't eat or drink. PLEASE PLEASE, if these are standards at your hospital, try to switch to a HB, birth center, or at least more natural-birth-friendly hospital. (They exist!) Life will only be more difficult otherwise.

Anyway, I highly recommend, "The Thinking Woman Guides to a Better Birth" as the #1 book. Basically, DH & I used to think, "Sure get the epi! Why feel pain if you don't have to?" But it was that book that taught me the real truth. DH & I were both totally 100% on board for natural birth. It was after that that we set about trying to figure out HOW (switched to CNMs & took Bradley Training.)

So, sounds like you've got some good books already. But I think it's important your DH understands the "why" of non-medicalized birth to help him get on board with the plan. The book "Business of Being Born" helps tell teh 'why' also.

Good luck!!

[mizlizzy]

Originally Posted by heatherweh

So we both failed on some level. My goal is to avoid that this time by doing lots more research and reading, affirmations, yoga and other strengthening exercises, keeping up on my kegels, preparing a better environment with music, aromatherapy, and homeopathics on hand, having a friend there as an advocate/helper, laboring at home as long as possible (even if waters break), refusing induction or at the very least pitocin, laboring in different positions, refusing pain meds (in order to remain up and about and labor and delivery in a position besides lithotomy). I know, its a whole laundry list isn't it? In order to accomplish all this I need to have some pretty fabulous support- a natural birth in a hospital isn't the easiest thing to achieve admittedly.

Be kind to yourself, you don't need to think of it as having failed. It sounds like you are going in much better prepared this time.

Although it is too hippie for some, I really love the birth stories in Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. The stories really give good examples of how partners were able to be supportive in labor, and also times when emotional or communication issues needed to be worked through by the couple. Used copies are cheap online.

[*MamaJen*]

Given the kind of birth you want, I would strongly, strongly encourage you to explore the option of birthing with a midwife, either at home or in a free standing birth center.

[LorenaAZ]

Henci Goer's "the thinking woman's guide to a better birth" talks about both sides (good and bad) of almost all (if not all) interventions out there. Talks about pitocin, epidural, etc. I think after reading that, it may make it easier for him to understand where you are coming from, and realizing that natural birth is not as painful/traumatic as a managed and intervention-full induction.

I'm sure my husband would react just like yours if faced with the same experience. When in a hospital setting, we are all (or most of us) like sheep following the dr's instructions and demands. Most of us would not challenge their position of power. I'm sure your dr said everything that was done to you and your baby was necessary, so who is your DH to disagree with the trained professional. And after seeing what that put you through, I could understand why he feels the way he does.

The first step would be for him to understand what was done to you, what that did to alter you experience, and how that deviates from a natural birth. Next would be to understand what he went through. And last would be to get together and agree on how to handle things the next time around.


Good luck!! : I hope you and hubby are able to work something out that will leave you both feeling safe and secure!

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by heatherweh

It was looking into his face needing support and seeing fear/panic there that was my undoing.

I can really relate to this. During my last birth, I really wanted support and intimacy, and although my husband believed in what we were doing (UC), it was very hard to see me in labour. I would look at him wanting kisses and love, and he would be grimacing and pitying me. he did NOT read The Birth Partner, and I think it would have helped a lot.

[zoebird]

it may not have been mentioned, but The Business of Being Born has a great section on how hospital births turn into a "cascade of interventions." while it is a pro-midwifery care film, i think it is a great way for people to learn about birth options in general, the history of hospital birth, etc.

i recommend it to a lot of folks--whether they're planning a HB or a hospital birth. for one of my friends, the film cleared up a lot of her misconceptions and prepared her and her husband for a great, parent-centered (rather than doctor-centered) hospital birth. they were able to create the birth that they wanted in the hospital! she ultimately had an epidural, but that was it for her whole birth--she labored about 12 hrs and had her baby just after the epidural wore off. she said it was a great experience!

good luck with everything. i'm sure he'll come around. he has to heal from the trauma of the birth too, afterall.

[Materfamilias]

We did Bradley and I have to say I think it is the best for getting one's dh on board. My dh was all for medical interventions rather than ncb because he thought it would be less painful. The Bradley classes really changed his mind on that, and they opened him up to other learning experiences, like watching the Business of Being Born. He never did read much, though, and this seems to be common to a lot of spouses, so I would not recommend trying to change his mind that way.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Materfamilias

He never did read much, though, and this seems to be common to a lot of spouses, so I would not recommend trying to change his mind that way.

Good point. Although I personally spent many hours on the sofa with birth books & would recite facts to DH often. While he didn't often pick up books himself, he was always happy to listen to me ramble on about what I'd read. He also became totally pro-NCB after my reading of "Thinking Woman's Guide" & subsequent recitation of facts.