My estranged father died...now I'm having anxiety

[EwokMomma]

My father died. We were estranged for a long time. Long messy story, in short my family are very abusive and I made some mistakes and ended up being scapegoated for a lot of their problems including his getting brain damaged in a random attack 20 years ago when I was 15. He didn't die then, but lived for 20 years as a cripple, with the mind of a three year old.

I just found out he finally died of pneumonia a couple of days ago. I haven't seen any of them for 10 years. They are an assortment of Narcissists, Alcoholics and about as crazy making as you can imagine.

I found out he had died ten days after the funeral. I don't think I would have gone to it. My baby doesn't deserve to be around those abusive people. I have had a friend say it might be time to contact my mother, let her know I have had a baby etc, but my mother is crazy and while she may have changed, thinking about it makes me too anxious.

The whole thing feels abstract, death is something I had been expecting for 20 years, suddenly it's here. My mind has gone a little numb. I'm pleased he is finally released from his body. I'm not afraid of what death is. I'm coping quite well in one respect.

BUT

I think that the anxiety of it is leaking out in other ways.

I saw some photos of myself when I was the same age as my baby. They triggered something in me. Yesterday became a blue day.

I read a couple of horrifying news reports about atrocities commited to babies recently and I'm finding myself unable to stop thinking about them and having panic attacks about the suffering inflicted on innocent children. I'm keeping it under control, but I feel like it's definitely making me ungrounded.

Can anyone else relate to this grief mutating into anxiety about something else?

[Ruthla]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In a way its' easier when it's somebody you love and were close to. You simply grieve.

But here you are, with a weird mixture of grief for the loss, old hurts this person gave you dragged back to the surface, guilt for not being part of their lives/missing the funeral, releif that the person can't hurt you anymore, releif that he's no longer suffering, guilt over feeling releived, maybe a little anger that he's hurt you but he's no longer suffering and part of you feels he should still be suffering- it's no wonder you're having a rough time with life right now!

I don't know if you're actually feeling eveyrthing I typed in the above paragraph, but all those things (and more) are certainly possible reactions. And all of them are OK. I've found that, when I actually face my true feelings, however "crazy" they may seem, it makes it a lot easier to work through them and eventually to move past them.

[Bald_Bull's_Mama]

I can relate to extreme anxiety after reading articles about abused children. I find it's something I just have to avoid at this point. Otherwise, I dwell on it too much, find myself lying in bed at night thinking about it. Shudder.

I am estranged from my father as well, though only for 2 years at this point. I can relate to the mix of emotions regarding a crazy family. It's hard. I can only imagine what you're going through after his death.

You are not alone. You will get through this rough spot. Baby yourself a bit, emotionally, spiritually, even physically. It always helps me to cuddle up in a warm bath with my cozy baby. Hugs to you.

[~Boudicca~]

Originally Posted by EwokMomma

My father died. We were estranged for a long time. Long messy story, in short my family are very abusive and I made some mistakes and ended up being scapegoated for a lot of their problems including his getting brain damaged in a random attack 20 years ago when I was 15. He didn't die then, but lived for 20 years as a cripple, with the mind of a three year old.

I just found out he finally died of pneumonia a couple of days ago. I haven't seen any of them for 10 years. They are an assortment of Narcissists, Alcoholics and about as crazy making as you can imagine.

I found out he had died ten days after the funeral. I don't think I would have gone to it. My baby doesn't deserve to be around those abusive people. I have had a friend say it might be time to contact my mother, let her know I have had a baby etc, but my mother is crazy and while she may have changed, thinking about it makes me too anxious.

The whole thing feels abstract, death is something I had been expecting for 20 years, suddenly it's here. My mind has gone a little numb. I'm pleased he is finally released from his body. I'm not afraid of what death is. I'm coping quite well in one respect.

BUT

I think that the anxiety of it is leaking out in other ways.

I saw some photos of myself when I was the same age as my baby. They triggered something in me. Yesterday became a blue day.

I read a couple of horrifying news reports about atrocities commited to babies recently and I'm finding myself unable to stop thinking about them and having panic attacks about the suffering inflicted on innocent children. I'm keeping it under control, but I feel like it's definitely making me ungrounded.

Can anyone else relate to this grief mutating into anxiety about something else?

I am sorry for your loss.

My father has not died yet, but we have been estranged for a long time due to many years of alcoholism and abuse, and his death is something I think about often. I don't know how I would feel, how would I deal with it, etc. It seems like it is a weird place to be. I don't necessarily think that your grief is mutating into something different, anxiety and other mood changes are not an uncommon thing to experience after the death of a loved one (or in this case, someone that had a huge impact on your life at the very least). When my sister's fiance was killed, she had panic attacks so bad that she couldn't be in public for the month following his death. Grief will throw you some mental curve balls, that's for sure.

Also, I am wondering how old you baby is? Because it could be Post Partum Anxiety Disorder or OCD. Just throwing that out there. I experienced this in the months after my 2nd daughter was born and my oldest was at kind of a challenging age. I was also in the middle of confronting a lot of memories from the past and I would have uncontrollable, unwelcome, out of the blue thoughts of something horrible happening to my babies (and to my horror I was terrified that it could be at my own hands). Reading/watching the news did not help, it just gave me more to obsess about. I booked myself an appointment with a therapist really quick let me tell you.

Check out this site http://postpartum.net/resources/women-mothers/brief/ Are you working with a therapist right now? It could really help. It is amazing how those of us that come from abusive backgrounds have to struggle with our past intruding on our plans for the parents we want to be. It can be really hard sometimes.

Rescue Remedy can be a big help for those moments you think you are going to bug out, and make sure you are getting enough protein, Omega-3s, and Calcium/Magnesium. Your nerves need all the help they can get right now. Just make sure you're taking good care of yourself, mama

[RachelGS]

I think that one of the really hard things about death, even the death of someone you didn't see, is that it removes the possibility for there to be any change or resolution or even hope for a better outcome. While you may have accepted that for a long time intellectually, I bet there was a tiny piece of your heart that hoped, because that's the nature of being a human on this earth. The anxiety makes sense to me. I'm so sorry for your loss, which is a loss of so much more than just the person himself. Please be gentle with yourself and take your time getting through this grief.

[EwokMomma]

Thank you all for your messages of support. DD is 9 months old and a bright funny baby who heals me by just being here. I'm not suffering from PPD, but would be quick to seek out help if I suspected I was.

My anxiety is beginning to subside, I think it was just a sort of panic about suddenly feeling as though any sense of control had been taken from me. I think finding out after the funeral had gone and not being able to be in touch with him because of the crazy family made me feel cut off, as though I wasn't able to feel anything. I had also been ill with Shingles this last three weeks, so I am feeling a bit vulnerable.

My poor DH is getting the sharp end of my temper right now. I suppose the thing is that I don't have the energy to be very shiny.