Just joining in after weeks and weeks of struggling with anxiety and depression.. I had been doing so well, and life seemed as good as it could be, but it seems I must have "triggers" for my anxiety and I just got hit with one a few weeks ago. For me it's always health-related, usually about my kids. (Irrational fears of health probably stemming from watching my mother wither away from cancer at a young age.) But everything was going along beautifully (I was peaceful and happy, it's been a good cold/flu season with no respiratory crises, etc.) and then we had to have our radon levels tested in our house (we're selling it) and the results came back quite high. This is the house we've been raising our babies in since 2004. It triggered a huge spiral into full-on panic, obsessing about future health risks, anger at various people about why we didn't check when we moved in, images of dying, sorrow for "tainting" my babies' health, etc. I couldn't stop crying/obsessing, couldn't get dressed in the morning, lost appetite, lost weight, had no joy for anything even though before this I was elated about our upcoming move, etc. I finally pulled out of the "I'm a mess" level and seem to have plateaued to a general state of anxiety/depression. Appetite is mostly back and I'm getting dressed but I'm nowhere near happy again. I don't know why I can't get out of this. Everything that was just "stressful" before (moving, packing, elderly grandmother I'm in charge of, DD's adenoids are large, etc.) is absolutely overwhelming to me now. I wake up to a surge of anxiety that overcomes me as soon as I come to consciousness and then I just lay there until the last possible minute and wonder how I'm going to get through another day. I'm just going through the critical motions of each day (driving kids to school/gymnastics, preparing meals, teaching flute lessons). I have no joy, can't do anything that is "good" for me like exercise or practice my flute. I don't know how to shake it. I have to pack up an entire house and I can't even find the mental strength to look for boxes. It's like I'm stuck. I haven't been this bad in years. And ironically, the more I'm anxious and depressed, the more I worry about my own health.. like a vicious cycle. I just want to be happy, vibrant, excited and hopeful about the future again rather than in this hole of worry/mortality crisis. I don't want to be on meds. I have an appt. for a psychologist but that's not for more than a month away (we have to complete our move before then). I don't expect any answers. None of my friends or family have any. They just say it will all work out. And the logistics of moving will, somehow, work out -I'm sure they're all right - it's just that I don't know how I'm going to navigate everything through this state of anxiety and depression. It's nice to think I'm not the only mama who's struggling with this. Everyone looks so normal -all the other mamas at preschool, at the grocery store -they all have it together. No one I know freaks out about their kids' health like I do (and I have it easy, I really do, they're wonderfully healthy kids). My stories of freak-outs seem comical and quirky to others -they chuckle when I tell them my irrational fears with animation and laughter. I may be laughing with/at myself in those moments, but I go back "home" to my head and into the nightmare just the same. I don't feel like I connect with anyone -none of my close friends live near me and I am terrible about making new friends. I don't even pick up the phone when it rings these days so I'm not even reachable. I don't even know why I'm writing all this here. I don't know what I expect to find when I log back in. I hate feeling so hopeless. I really have no excuse in this life to be so sad except that I miss my mother. She knew me; she really did. Aside from that hole I have a wonderful life with two precious children who are smart, healthy, curious, loving.. my husband adores me. I just have no excuse to be obsessing about dying, health stuff, having deep fears of conventional medicine, etc. Why can't I live this precious life without fear? I'm so sick of being fearful. My mother told my sister and me not to live in fear, and I'm doing such a crappy job of honoring her life lesson. Every day that I feel hopeless and fearful is a wasted day. I've wasted enough to make myself disgusted, but still, I just can't get out -can't shake it. I don't know what to do. I've put three shows on for my kids to watch just to write all this. Now what? Even getting my youngest down for a nap (which needs to happen asap) seems overwhelming. And then what to do while she sleeps? I'm literally frozen. I don't know how to deal. The computer makes me even worse; watching TV makes me feel worse, but doing anything else seems unbearable. Dishes, laundry? It's so hard to get these things done right now. What happened to me. When will I be back?