Depressed and Anxious Mamas?

[AFWife]

I didn't see one of these so I hope it's okay to start one.

Any other mamas out there with depression and/or anxiety? I've had SUCH a hard time this pregnancy because everything got turned topsy turvy on me. I'm just looking for support and to feel less alone!

[hillymum]

I was just coming here to look for such a thread. My youngest is now 4. I have had depression ever since I can remember. I am currently an out patient at a hospital because of my depression and anxiety issues. I am definatly here to listen to you, but I also stongly recommend getting professional help. Your midwife/Ob/Gyn can refer you. i am finding it incredibly helpful. I just feel bad that I had to have a major incident to realise how much I needed help. Please don't let the same thing happen to you!

[AFWife]

Hi!

I plan on getting professional help as soon as I get on insurance. Just visiting my parents the past several days has reminded me of that need. (long story...lets just say they are NOT supportive)

I've had depression and anxiety since I was about 12 but it went ignored because it was "normal teenage stuff" or whatever. My parents have also never really validated my emotions so I didn't fully accept that I had a medical problem until I was away at college. I just always thought I was over-emotional and crazy (that's how they saw it) Only when I admitted to having a problem did my life start to improve. It's been hard. I'm a self-harmer (it's been 1 year since my last incident though!) and I have a slight problem with alcohol...But I know I need help and I plan on getting it. I want to be the best that I can be for my children.

Feel free to come in and vent. That's why I started the tribe

[TygerTwoTails]

just a little venting...

It makes me feel better to just find this thread. I am pregnant with my first and have a very supportive fiance, family and friends, but I was having serious issues with anxiety and depression for years beforehand. I had also always written off my problem as me just being overly emotional and crazy and my mom also did not validate my feelings...she was too busy with her depression. I started taking birth control when I was 16 (I'm 22 now) and just realized this past summer that it might have something to do with my increasing emotional instability. At the same time I sought out counseling for the first time in my life. I had it suggested that I go and find a long-term counselor for my anxiety (I was just visiting a counselor at my college) but I never did. I decided to quit taking birth control and was feeling better, but then I got pregnant. It was unexpected, but not unwanted and now happily awaited . But pregnancy being what it is, I have been having a rough time with my emotions. I found out that I was pregnant a few days after moving out into the country, away from my friends. I work full-time and have a full-time online school schedule so I have a difficult time getting into town to socialize. My fiance is AMAZING! He tries so hard to help me through everything, but some days it really just isn't enough.
My midwife recommended a counselor to me, but I have phone anxiety and have been having the worst time trying to pick up the phone and make the call. I know that's what I need to do.

Sorry, this is kind of long...this is the first time I've really let this out in writing.

Thanks for the thread!

[AFWife]

I can tell you that birth control made my depression so much worse (all 3 times I've tried it) Someone recommended the NuvaRing to me because it's not systemic (doesn't go through your whole system). Maybe after the baby talk to your doctor about something like that?
I've also developed phone anxiety. It makes it hard when your husband has the same issues...Mine isn't as bad so I usually end up making the call.

come vent anytime!

[carfreemama]

I'm here! I usually look for threads like this in Mental Health. Glad I found this one.

I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and trichotillomania. I have also struggled with bulimia and anorexia over the years. I am also now looking into the possibility that I have OCD. My sister has it and my symptoms are VERY consistent with this, especially with the trichotillomania. Mostly I have obsessive thoughts that trigger anxiety; not compulsions, really.

I function pretty well, but it's a battle. I was on Celexa for 7 months last year and it did help, but I'm off it now. I also used lorazepam (Ativan) as needed and this was the best medication solution for me. I actually LOST the pills several months ago and am debating whether to try to get a new prescription. Not sure where to go from here with treatment.

One of my main triggers these days is dd getting sick. I worry obsessively about this. Ironically, of course, she's the most un-sick kid I know. But a complaint of a tummy ache has me in unbearable anxiety and if she actually IS sick, like with fever or something, God help me!

It's amazing that we accomplish what we do with our mental health issues. I have to remind myself of that whenever I feel like I'm not as on-top of things as I would like to be. Managing mental health is much more difficult with a child, I find, because I don't have the endless hours I used to to take care of myself and my anxiety. I'm having to find more efficient ways to cope.

AFWife, congrats on your no-self-harm anniversary!

And Hillymum, you're right, there's no real substitute for treatment, however you want to pursue it. It sounds like you're really getting the support you need.

TygerTwoTails, this is an EXCELLENT time to get some help with your anxiety, before your baby is born. It sounds like you've had a ton of changes in your life, in addition to being pregnant. My dh is really supportive, too; but it's true, that only goes so far. There's a scary place I go to that he just can't reach sometimes. Good luck and I'm looking forward to hearing from everybody some more. Thanks, AFWife!

[AFWife]

I have no daily life so forgive me if I post here a ton! I need a hobby...

carfreemama: I also believe I have slight OCD. DH has it as well. Mostly we have obsessions and compulsions but it doesn't interfere with our daily lives so we've never done anything about it. For example, DH has a "thing" about pulling the hair out of hair brushes (he has trouble seeing a "full" brush at people's houses because he wants to clean it) but he doesn't sit and pick out each strand of hair or think something bad will happen. Trichotillomania is DEFINITELY part of OCD and I'm a little surprised it never came up with any doctor...I'd mention it next time. It may decide which medication you take or what kind of therapy you get. Little things count!

I'm glad you're here!

[carfreemama]

AFWife: It's funny. I have definitely mentioned it to doctors before, but it never seemed to factor into the equation as much as other stuff. I pull VERY cleverly; even my hairdresser didn't know until I told her. But I've been doing it many times a day (sometimes many hours a day) for at least 30 years! I'm just really clueing in to the OCD thing for the first time and it just explains so much to me. The problem with trich and OCD, as it was explained to me, is that the doses of medications need to be MUCH higher than with anxiety, if they are going to control obsessions/compulsions. That would mean 60 mg of Celexa, rather than the 20 mg I was at. I couldn't even get to 40.

I have a phenomenal family doctor, but it takes literally months to get in to see her and now we've moved, so it's a bus ride away. I have good private health coverage (I live in Canada, but mental health care is, in my opinion, desperately under-funded here). I have access to private psychologists and even acupuncture/homeopathy, so I'm trying to figure out what to pursue at this point. I'm really looking for some kind of treatment strategy. I don't really want to go back on meds, but the anxiety has been BAD lately; so it may be the best option for now. I know I'd be better off if I meditated/ran/ate 10 servings of veggies a day/went to acupuncture...I just don't know where to start.

I think I'll be here a lot, too! It feels so good to talk to people who "get it." Thanks for responding and hope you are hanging in there okay!

[TygerTwoTails]

I was actually on the NuvaRing right before I got pregnant. I've tried many different types, I think that I might just not be able to take birth control I suppose there are worse things though.

Thank you for the support AFWife and carfreemama, it's really nice to be able to share these feelings with others who understand.

[AFWife]

carfreemama: I hope you don't mind me giving advice...but this is what I would do:

Print off information that links trich and OCD. Have it in a file to take to your doc/therapist at the next visit. That way it's right there and they have to talk about it. Next, start researching alternative ways to manage anxiety and OCD (homeo stuff) and print that off as well. That way, if they mention upping your meds you can have "evidence" that there ARE OTHER OPTIONS. Ask which are safe to try in conjunction with the meds you're on (I know some herbs don't mix well with psych meds) and do that. Keep a diary beginning NOW every single day. Keep track of 1) How you feel (be as descriptive as possible) 2) if you were triggered that day and by what 3) How you responded to that trigger 4) Any bouts of trich and OCD that you dealt with. Again, it's so you can find your triggers and discuss them with your doc. The best way to manage your "issues" is to take control of the parts that you can. I know that, for me, feeling even the smallest bit of control helps so much!

I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries...


Tyger: My mother had problems with BC as well...she even had an IUD for a while that ended up implanted and had to be surgically removed...I'll skip that.
Discuss the non systemic options with your doctor. Also, if you can get a hormone panel run I'd try that too...if one of your hormones is messed up certain BCs can make the problem so much worse. (after the baby comes of course)

[Arwyn]

Moving from Personal Growth to Mental Health.

[carfreemama]

AFWife:

You are SO not overstepping boundaries!

I really need to get somewhere with this. So I now have appointments for Feb. 5 with my old psychologist and Feb. 26 with my doctor. The psychologist works out of the clinic and basically prescribes medication, more than anything. He does not "push" it; it's just that he's the guy you sort of go to once you've decided to go on meds. He doesn't counsel people. My family doc is much more holistically-based; things like advising me to go to a pox party rather than vax, sending me to a chiropractor. She actually told me once that she didn't think I'd like being on meds when I brought it up. It was me who finally insisted. I'm not on anything at all right now and it seems such a shame to sign on to drugs again. But I can't make it much longer like this. I have a dr app't for dd thisafternoon because of her cough and I am paralyzed with fear even with that; what if it's (insert disease), what if I lose her? I can't live like that! I keep checking her forehead for fever, even though she's running around the house singing. That's COMPULSIVE, right???

I wish I could wait to see my doc before going on meds, but I don't think I can make it. Ideally, I'd like to find a therapist who can prescribe meds, but also can do lots of behavioral stuff and is knowledgeable about things like diet and homeopathy. I have NO IDEA where to find such a person. In the meantime, I do have Bach flower remedies; but it's hard to have faith in them right now. I'm at the point where I need relief at any price, but I'm so sad to be back at this place. I will do as you advise and bring info on trich and OCD. I think that's key and I really think my anxiety is caused by OCD and we should be treating that.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

AFWife:

You are SO not overstepping boundaries!

I really need to get somewhere with this. So I now have appointments for Feb. 5 with my old psychologist and Feb. 26 with my doctor. The psychologist works out of the clinic and basically prescribes medication, more than anything. He does not "push" it; it's just that he's the guy you sort of go to once you've decided to go on meds. He doesn't counsel people. My family doc is much more holistically-based; things like advising me to go to a pox party rather than vax, sending me to a chiropractor. She actually told me once that she didn't think I'd like being on meds when I brought it up. It was me who finally insisted. I'm not on anything at all right now and it seems such a shame to sign on to drugs again. But I can't make it much longer like this. I have a dr app't for dd thisafternoon because of her cough and I am paralyzed with fear even with that; what if it's (insert disease), what if I lose her? I can't live like that! I keep checking her forehead for fever, even though she's running around the house singing. That's COMPULSIVE, right???

I wish I could wait to see my doc before going on meds, but I don't think I can make it. Ideally, I'd like to find a therapist who can prescribe meds, but also can do lots of behavioral stuff and is knowledgeable about things like diet and homeopathy. I have NO IDEA where to find such a person. In the meantime, I do have Bach flower remedies; but it's hard to have faith in them right now. I'm at the point where I need relief at any price, but I'm so sad to be back at this place. I will do as you advise and bring info on trich and OCD. I think that's key and I really think my anxiety is caused by OCD and we should be treating that.

Yes, your behavior about your daughter's "illness" is obsessive and compulsive IMO. If you feel that you can't help being afraid and feel trapped by those thoughts it's obsessive. If you feel like you'll miss something important if you don't check on her every 10mins it's compulsive. I'm pretty sure that's right...

I would encourage you to find a therapist that actually does THERAPY before getting on a ton of meds. My aunt is a psych student and when I started Lexapro it was without a therapist (long story) and she told me that meds are only meant to do so much...they are NOT meant to cure the problem totally. You need to be doing both meds and talking to someone.

[ats925]

Just joining in after weeks and weeks of struggling with anxiety and depression.. I had been doing so well, and life seemed as good as it could be, but it seems I must have "triggers" for my anxiety and I just got hit with one a few weeks ago. For me it's always health-related, usually about my kids. (Irrational fears of health probably stemming from watching my mother wither away from cancer at a young age.) But everything was going along beautifully (I was peaceful and happy, it's been a good cold/flu season with no respiratory crises, etc.) and then we had to have our radon levels tested in our house (we're selling it) and the results came back quite high. This is the house we've been raising our babies in since 2004. It triggered a huge spiral into full-on panic, obsessing about future health risks, anger at various people about why we didn't check when we moved in, images of dying, sorrow for "tainting" my babies' health, etc. I couldn't stop crying/obsessing, couldn't get dressed in the morning, lost appetite, lost weight, had no joy for anything even though before this I was elated about our upcoming move, etc. I finally pulled out of the "I'm a mess" level and seem to have plateaued to a general state of anxiety/depression. Appetite is mostly back and I'm getting dressed but I'm nowhere near happy again. I don't know why I can't get out of this. Everything that was just "stressful" before (moving, packing, elderly grandmother I'm in charge of, DD's adenoids are large, etc.) is absolutely overwhelming to me now. I wake up to a surge of anxiety that overcomes me as soon as I come to consciousness and then I just lay there until the last possible minute and wonder how I'm going to get through another day. I'm just going through the critical motions of each day (driving kids to school/gymnastics, preparing meals, teaching flute lessons). I have no joy, can't do anything that is "good" for me like exercise or practice my flute. I don't know how to shake it. I have to pack up an entire house and I can't even find the mental strength to look for boxes. It's like I'm stuck. I haven't been this bad in years. And ironically, the more I'm anxious and depressed, the more I worry about my own health.. like a vicious cycle. I just want to be happy, vibrant, excited and hopeful about the future again rather than in this hole of worry/mortality crisis. I don't want to be on meds. I have an appt. for a psychologist but that's not for more than a month away (we have to complete our move before then). I don't expect any answers. None of my friends or family have any. They just say it will all work out. And the logistics of moving will, somehow, work out -I'm sure they're all right - it's just that I don't know how I'm going to navigate everything through this state of anxiety and depression. It's nice to think I'm not the only mama who's struggling with this. Everyone looks so normal -all the other mamas at preschool, at the grocery store -they all have it together. No one I know freaks out about their kids' health like I do (and I have it easy, I really do, they're wonderfully healthy kids). My stories of freak-outs seem comical and quirky to others -they chuckle when I tell them my irrational fears with animation and laughter. I may be laughing with/at myself in those moments, but I go back "home" to my head and into the nightmare just the same. I don't feel like I connect with anyone -none of my close friends live near me and I am terrible about making new friends. I don't even pick up the phone when it rings these days so I'm not even reachable. I don't even know why I'm writing all this here. I don't know what I expect to find when I log back in. I hate feeling so hopeless. I really have no excuse in this life to be so sad except that I miss my mother. She knew me; she really did. Aside from that hole I have a wonderful life with two precious children who are smart, healthy, curious, loving.. my husband adores me. I just have no excuse to be obsessing about dying, health stuff, having deep fears of conventional medicine, etc. Why can't I live this precious life without fear? I'm so sick of being fearful. My mother told my sister and me not to live in fear, and I'm doing such a crappy job of honoring her life lesson. Every day that I feel hopeless and fearful is a wasted day. I've wasted enough to make myself disgusted, but still, I just can't get out -can't shake it. I don't know what to do. I've put three shows on for my kids to watch just to write all this. Now what? Even getting my youngest down for a nap (which needs to happen asap) seems overwhelming. And then what to do while she sleeps? I'm literally frozen. I don't know how to deal. The computer makes me even worse; watching TV makes me feel worse, but doing anything else seems unbearable. Dishes, laundry? It's so hard to get these things done right now. What happened to me. When will I be back?

[carfreemama]

ats925; Just wanted to let you know I'm here and listening. I have to take dd to dr's appt, but will check in again later. Coming out of the haze of a really bad one is super tough, isn't it? Especially when you're left with all the same responsibilities. Life doesn't make much room for our mental health, does it? Good for you for getting dressed. Good for you for eating! And believe me, I don't mean that condescendingly. I know how hard it can be to just MOVE (never mind actually moving, as you are). I know the frozen feeling. I've been there myself a lot lately. I'll try and think if I can remember anything that's helped me before. Hang in there!

Oh, one thing comes to mind--pleasure. Sometimes finding one tiny, tiny thing I enjoy can help me in a frozen state--if you love chocolate, or magazines, or whatever-some little joy-that can help you, no matter how many responsibilities you have. You're coming out of something awful, an awful mental experience. Try to be gentle with yourself.

[dipmama]

No one I know freaks out about their kids' health like I do (and I have it easy, I really do, they're wonderfully healthy kids). My stories of freak-outs seem comical and quirky to others -they chuckle when I tell them my irrational fears with animation and laughter. I may be laughing with/at myself in those moments, but I go back "home" to my head and into the nightmare just the same.

ats95: This so, so rings true for me too. It's hard to keep a balance between just being watchful and responsible vs. freaking out and letting it take over your mind. I know.

As for myself, I have both depression and anxiety. My pdoc calls it anxious depression. Fear is an underlying theme and one of the big roots of it all, I am discovering. I am the only child of very protective and fearful immigrant parents. When I get scared, I freak out and get anxious. The anxiety wears me down, and devolves into depression. The entirety of 2008 was a big trigger for me- my daughter was diagnosed as having ADHD as well as being gifted, and I had some big, potentially deal-breaking issues with my husband. Oh, and nursing my mother (who lives 6 hours away) through surgery and returning back to the paid workforce after 8 years at home raising kids.

All that stress slowly chipped away at me, and by September I was relying a bit too much on Ativan to get me through the day and I was pretty much not functional anyway. I went to my doctor and started Lexapro. The next few months were up and down while we tweaked the meds. Now I am up to 40 mg Lexapro and a bit of Wellbutrin, and I'm hoping I'm "there." I am doing waaaaaay better. I'm now at the point where I can really being to do the work in therapy I need to do, and focus on overall positive lifestyle changes that will help me in the longer run, like exercise and eating properly.

I'm glad this thread has been started. It is so easy to feel alone when going through a really bad period, and it so helps to get support!

[carfreemama]

Dipmama and ats95: How do you keep that balance with worrying about your kids' health? I took dd to the dr yesterday for a lingering cough, which he said was "nasty and wet." He gave us the option of starting abx now, or waiting to see if it gets better, or if she develops a fever. She's been FINE except for the cough and now a headcold, but I'm still freaking. She, too, has been incredibly healthy; no abx and not even an ear infection and she's almost 5! But I kept her home from preschool today anyway. I haven't started abx, but just hearing that's a possibility is enough to set me off. Dh is supportive, but he does lose patience occasionally. Sometimes I just want someone else to make these decisions for me. How on earth am I supposed to trust my "mommy gut" with this in the way? How do you manage it?

[dipmama]

Honestly, what has made a world of difference is the Lexapro. Somehow it has broken the spiralling "what if" types of thoughts that help the worry to spin out of control. That, and therapy (some cognitive/behavioral stuff, some schema/family stuff, and mindfulness).

When I get triggered, what I do now if first let myself sit with the worry a bit. I say to myself, "oh, there's worry". I pay attention to what exactly the worry is. Then, I try to focus on concrete things I can do, like getting an opinion from a wise, non-panicky mama. As hard as it is, I try to not google. The internet is full of health garbage that comes across as legitimate. Also, I have learned that when it comes to researching meds, for example, there are definitely more disgruntled people posting than people who are happy, if you know what I mean. These strategies work, but they were a LOT harder to use before I was on Lexapro.

[ats925]

carfreemama- Thanks for your posts and support. I know. Abx set me off too -even when I'm not in a bad place overall. I've been forced to bite the bullet in the past with my oldest (dd 4yo) yet my youngest (dd 2.5yo) has never had any. Doctors seem to err on the side of caution. The abx are there if you need them, and that's great, but you might not need them. Sometimes I'll also visit a naturopath in these cases as a first defense/immune boost (she usually suggests elderberry/echinacea liquid, and hot baths with some eucalyptus essential oil in the water. If no fever and no crackling in the lungs/breathing issues, the best thing I find to help me get through the "waiting it out" period is feel proactive somehow -whatever that is for you: push liquids like it's medicine, eucalyptus in baths, echinacea, whatever tricks you have.. good luck.

dipmama- thanks too for your posts and support. I tried Wellubtrin and Celexa a few years ago but never tweaked it right. I ended up getting super anxious and gave up. 2008 sounds like it was a nightmare. So glad you found the right balance of all resources.

[AFWife]

Sorry I haven't been on this thread as much lately...I've tried to stay busy to keep my mind off of things...

It's been going well. I had actually developed a sleep pattern for a while. Granted, I sleep A LOT but I use the "I'm pregnant" excuse. However, tonight is going to be different. I'm wide awake and even a bit, uhm, buzzed? Does that make sense to anyone else but me right now? I feel kind of on edge. My heart rate seems fine and I don't THINK I'm anxious about anything...but I feel edgy. Like I need to go out and DO something or get up and CLEAN something or go party. None of which I can do right now. I'm also a bit paranoid about little sounds I keep hearing. I'm twitchy.

Ugh