Depressed and Anxious Mamas? - Page 7

[rainy32]

thanks, surfacing, for the hugs and kind words.

dh is a recovering alcoholic, active in a 12-step program; he thinks his depression is a healthy thing at this stage in his recover (7 years in the program) -- it means, to him, that he is finally able to feel the things he repressed and drowned in drinking. he has told me several times in the last year that he needs space and love from me in weathering the moods - but that he welcomes feeling them (except, of course, when he's in the midst of feeling them!).

i go to my therapist for the first time tomorrow. i can't wait. i am so glad that i was able to find childcare so I could go!

I get to go to yoga tomorrow, too.

-rainy32

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by Surfacing

Mama~Love - please don't worry about whether there's a "right" way for you to "do" therapy... if you are going to just go and cry, then do that! At least in the beginning anyway. Hopefully the counsellor will have ways of helping you feel supported, understood, listened to, not judged and safe in communicating. Hopefully with time you will feel more comfortable with talking about your feelings. I hope you are feeling better soon. I'm sorry you're feeling low about yourself. You are a good person. Just because you have that feeling doesn't mean that it is true. That feeling will pass. It won't always be this way.

Thank you, sorry I haven't replied sooner. Therapy is going well so far, we go again tomorrow. I think it will really do some good.

I hope I can feel better about myself. It's really ahrdliving like this.

[rainy32]

I had my first therapy appointment this Monday. It was really LONG - a true intake appointment, I guess, and interesting. We did the whole crazy family history stuff, and talked about my concerns for dh, my disappointment with the fact that we moved 3 years ago and I still really really miss our old home (CA), and my panic attacks.

She said I certainly seem to have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and we can work on that, and the panic attacks.

Then, just as it was almost time to go, she made a kind off off-the-cuff comment about schedules, and I mentioned that I have ... ahem ... several datebooks, and very strange/compulsive scheduling issues :-) so she started asking things like "do you count everything?" "spell compulsively?" etc. etc. and diagnosed me on the spot with OCD. For me, the OCD is long-term (since early childhood), nearly all consuming (I have rules for nearly every aspect of my behavior).

And she said the OCD was likely *causing* the panic and anxiety, more than it was helping.

That shocked me because I thought all my little rules helped control uncertainty, and thus reduced panic/anxiety!

This isn't a huge suprise to me, on the one hand, because I've known since I was 8 or so that I have very strange and compulsive counting/spelling/randomization "rules" -- but I am suprised that my therapist from NYC didn't diagnose it. I mean, I went to therapy for 3 years with her, and was very honest and open, and she never ONCE suggested that I had pretty strong OCD!

Well, I'm not sure what I"m going to do with any of this knowledge .... the therapist said medication would really help, at least short term until I can figure out some non-medicinal coping strategies. But then, as we spoke, and as I answered her questions, I started to realize my motivations for continuing OCD behavior, and EVEN MORE, I realized that part of what I miss MOST about California was this sense of calm and peace I had -- for about 3 1/2 years, I didn't have panic attacks, and upon reflection, I realize that I didn't engage in most of my compulsive thinking .... in part, I think, because I was doing yoga daily, walking daily, praying daily, journaling ... taking lots of time to take care of myself in healthier ways. Oh, and that ENTIRE time, I wasn't drinking coffee (year prior to pregnancy, pregnant year, nursing years....).

Anyway ... I'm sipping coffee right now!

I'm going to keep talking to her about all of that - but I've not had a mini panic attack in three days, which is better than the 3 a day I was getting last week.

Do any of you have experience with OCD/GAD and alternative therapies??

[Surfacing]

Wow Rainy, that appointment gave you a lot to think about. My experience with alternative therapies -- for GAD I found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to be veeeery good. Doing this workbook religiously when I felt panicked helped stop my anxiety and panic attacks over time. It's called: Overcoming Panic, Anxiety & Phobias - New Strategies to Free Yourself from Worry and Fear by Shirley Babior and Carol Goldman. This book was life changing for me. But it took years literally for the thinking exercises in it to become second nature. The good news is I haven't had any doozie attacks in years. :

For OCD I've heard about a book called Brain Lock. I wish I could tell you more about it, I haven't read it, but have been meaning to check it out since dh has it mildly and so does his mother (moderately).

Other alternative strategies: self-care stuff like you mentioned -- healthy diet, yoga, exercise, journalling, talking with friends, taking vitamins, etc. But all this stuff wasn't helpful enough anymore after dd1 was born. Perhaps when the kids get older I can get off the meds and have more time to take care of myself again. We'll see.

Anyhow, this is an exciting time for you. It's like you're the grey baby swan, about to grow into a gorgeous white swan. Ripe with opportunity for growth and change and better health!

[Surfacing]

How's everyone doing?

[carfreemama]

Hi Everyone:

Sorry I've been away from here and haven't been able to be supportive of anyone. Anxiety has taken over all summer and I've been pretty ill with it.

But I'd like to participate again, so I'll read up on all the posts I've missed.

I hope you all are doing okay.

[EarthMommy80]

Ok, I've never posted here before but I am looking for some support today.
My depression has been getting worse and worse lately for 1.
Now today my anxiety has me on the verge of tears and puking.
I can't deal with stress What. So. Ever. and things have been really rough the past 3 months. Mostly money related and work related. The thing is I know what has triggered the anxiety today also... my coworker was let go, the one who is causing most of the stress at work. So, I don't know why I am such a nervous wreck about it. But here I am sitting at work with 4 hours left to go feeling nautous and shaking and exhausted and hoping that I will be able to hold it together at work and when I get home tonight.

[carfreemama]

Hi EarthMommy80:

How are you managing now? Are you done work for the day? What's going on? My dh always tells me "the clock only goes one way." For some reason, I've always found myself repeating that phrase when it gets really bad. Also, for me once anxiety gets going, it doesn't matter if there's a "reason" or if it's rational. It just runs its course and it's awful. But it will stop. I promise.

[EarthMommy80]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Hi EarthMommy80:

How are you managing now? Are you done work for the day? What's going on? My dh always tells me "the clock only goes one way." For some reason, I've always found myself repeating that phrase when it gets really bad. Also, for me once anxiety gets going, it doesn't matter if there's a "reason" or if it's rational. It just runs its course and it's awful. But it will stop. I promise.

Thanks carfreemama, that's a great saying! I have a little less than 3 hours to go now. I still feel about the same. The giant lump in my throat is a bit irritating, but it happens when I am about to cry at the drop of a dime. I know I will get through it, it just sucks.

[Surfacing]

Geez LeeAnn, it sounds like a really stressful work situation. (I'm glad the person creating most of the stress was let go though.)

Carfreemama - sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with anxiety this summer.

Anybody out there doing cognitive behavioural therapy (either worksheets or with a live therapist)? How is our self-care protocol? Good nutritious food, exercise (take a walk), vitamins, friends, adequate sleep, stress control, meditation (even if it's 5 mins).

Over here, I've had quite a rollercoaster since realizing that my gma, dad and bro probably all have a personality disorder. It puts so much into perspective. I've been really researching and trying to understand all the family illnesses, and how they express themselves in me. Kinda depressing. I've had to take a little break from it now but will be seeing my pdoc tomorrow. I really wonder what she's going to have to say about all of it.

Not really quite sure why, but I've had the WEIRDEST depersonalization/out of body stuff in the past couple of weeks. There were days when I swear I felt like I couldn't feel my body. Or when I felt like my body wasn't mine, I was as small as the space behind my eyes, and I was just watching everyone and everything.

It's hard walking around not being present in your body. I've got to take more ownership of the things I want to do at home and be present.

Group hugs to all who need them!

[faithsstuff]

hey there ladies! I am so glad to see this thread! A few weeks ago I went to the OB thinking I had some PPD, she refered me to a prog specializing in postpartum issues. I went in expecting to be told I had PPD (I already had a diagnosis of GAD) and came out with a diagnosis of severe OCD. its been a very emotional few weeks since. It's funny, most of my severe compulsions, obsessions I either didn't realize were 'abnormal behaviors' or have been doing for so long it's scary to think of letting go of. I the more I realize how much OCD is a part of me the more sad and angry I feel. I totally went to through the denial stage (i still go there sometimes) and feel like I'm mourning somethiing. lol, send me good vibes mama
peace (says the woman with severe Ocd having panic attacks )

[EarthMommy80]

Hey mamas!
Today has been a much better day. It started rough, but I've been so busy at work today that I haven't allowed myself to start overthinking anything & everything. I'm not able to see a dr. right now, but I do have some self help books that have collected dust that I dusted off last night in a last ditch effort to do SOMETHING to help myself. I've decided that my first step will to be doing some journaling, and having open dialogue like this and allowing myself to have the support that I know is there and I'm never willing to use.

So, hopefully I will be around here more to give and recieve support.
Thank you all, and I apologize in advance for any confusing and/or run on sentences

[Surfacing]

Hey this is the place for letting it hang out! : Bring on the run on sentences and the contradictions (like being severe OCD and saying peace! )

Faithsstuff - have you had OCD before in your life, or did it just rear it's head this postpartum? What helps?

EarthMommy80 - sounds like a step in the right direction.

It won't always be like this Mamas. Depression and anxiety are treatable illnesses.

[faithsstuff]

good morning all!
Surfacing: this is the first time OCD (I think I need to name it, like Francis), has very clearly kept me from living my life. Looking back, Francis and I have been buddies since high school- at least.

I have to admit, I knew I wasn't like everyone else, but I had no clue about all this.


Updates ppl! Is it wrong to start complsively checking this thread?

peace

[EarthMommy80]

Originally Posted by faithsstuff

good morning all!
Updates ppl! Is it wrong to start complsively checking this thread?

peace

If it's wrong, then I'm in trouble!

My anxiety is a little better, but the depression seems to be getting worse. My mood swings are out of control, and so I feel out of control. I'm journaling, but yeah, I can see the things AFTER that I should have done differently, but I have no impulse control. I'm feeling paranoid too, and the racing thougths are back. ugh, and I can't get ahold of my caseworker to find out if I am going to be approved for healthcare, this really sucks... it always get worse and I end up in the hospital. I see it headed that way again.

Why can't I just get it together?

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by faithsstuff

Looking back, Francis and I have been buddies since high school- at least. [...] Updates ppl! Is it wrong to start complsively checking this thread?

Oh faithsstuff, I like you.

ETA - I also found that I had my depression/anxiety stuff earlier in life. But after I had my first child... it was a WHOLE OTHER BALLGAME. Interesting. Those dang hormones!

Originally Posted by EarthMommy80

Why can't I just get it together?

Because you have an illness. No one tells someone who needs kidney dialysis to just get it together. They go for treatment. You don't tell a person with a broken arm to just stop whining, get on with it, and hand them a box to carry. You put a cast on that arm and let them rest. If you end up needing hospitalization and get the help you need : then good.

What is your history with hospitalizations? I'm assuming they've helped before. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling right now. It will pass, it won't always be like this.

[carfreemama]

Hi all.

Surfacing, how did your appointment go? Did you tell your therapist about the family illness stuff? What did she/he think? I do think piecing the family puzzle together is enlightening. Since I found out OCD runs in families, I've had less room to be in denial at least.

EarthMommy80, how are you? Have you been able to find out anything about your health care? I have those "why can't I just get it together" frustrations a lot, too. It's anger, I think. This takes so much out of and from us.

Faithsstuff, how about you? BTW, hearing "peace" from people who are struggling to find it means much more to me than from those who don't struggle...I have a new diagnosis of OCD, too, along with GAD and PTSD. From different docs, though; which is also frustrating.

rainy32, I'm trying to find alternative therapies for GAD and OCD. Right now I'm on niacinamide, an adrenal support called Vegan One, Omega 3s and vitamin D. I have also tried acupuncture. I think all this helps, just like intense physical activity like running does.

However, my big problem is that when the anxiety/OCD/panic start to get bad and spiral, I can't keep any of these things up. I get paralyzed when I need them most. I basically shut down. I know the things that will help me but I stop believing in them or something. It's been my biggest hurdle. That and the fact that ALL the remotely Western docs I've seen say you cannot cure OCD with anything other than drugs. My rx for clomipramine is waiting for me at the drugstore and I still haven't picked it up.

Once again, hugs to all. And Surfacing especially, thank you for your committment and compassion here. I hope you are finding some answers, or at least support and comfort.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Surfacing, how did your appointment go? Did you tell your therapist about the family illness stuff? What did she/he think? I do think piecing the family puzzle together is enlightening.
[...]
I'm trying to find alternative therapies for GAD and OCD. Right now I'm on niacinamide, an adrenal support called Vegan One, Omega 3s and vitamin D. I have also tried acupuncture. I think all this helps, just like intense physical activity like running does.

However, my big problem is that when the anxiety/OCD/panic start to get bad and spiral, I can't keep any of these things up. I get paralyzed when I need them most. I basically shut down. I know the things that will help me but I stop believing in them or something. It's been my biggest hurdle. That and the fact that ALL the remotely Western docs I've seen say you cannot cure OCD with anything other than drugs. My rx for clomipramine is waiting for me at the drugstore and I still haven't picked it up.

Once again, hugs to all. And Surfacing especially, thank you for your committment and compassion here. I hope you are finding some answers, or at least support and comfort.

Hi Carfreemama, my appointment was alright, thanks for asking. My pdoc asked me, "Do you think you have borderline personality disorder?" and I said no... but... and this opened up a big discussion. She just took a lot of notes. When I mentioned that the BPD book recommended a med treatment similar to what she suggested for me, I said I wondered if she thought I had BPD. She said absolutely not. Well certainly judging by the way I present myself to her. The truth of the matter is, I don't show my "ugliest" side to her. My kids get that. : I just come in and talk in a very reflective third party way about things kind of vaguely... improvements, backslides. Anyway, she lent me a clinical book of hers for BPD treatment which is basically a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) workbook.

If you're trying non-med stuff for GAD (which I have too, incidentally) I can recommend getting yourself an anxiety related CBT workbook. It basically breaks down the way we thinks about things, puts them into perspective, and helps us calm down and get control of ourselves. It has been lifesaving for me. I hope those other things work for you.

As for forgetting your routine when your OCD/GAD hit hard -- perhaps this is something your therapist can help you with. Reminding you of your routine. My pdoc says she does that for her clients.

I guess we can remind each other here too! As we remember.

Okay I have my 4 y.o. munchkin here must run Be well!

[rainy32]

Fiathstuff! oh I know what you mean about mourning and wondering how exactly you'll live without the OCD behaviors! I have spent the last month just watching how often I go into OCD behavior - and its stunning how much of my life is taken up with it. It doesn't often get in my way - it just *is* my way. Does that make sense???

Part of me is really curious what life would be like if I could quiet my mind from these behaviors. And part of me thinks they are unique and wonderful responses to stress, and simply a part of me to embrace (and occasionally mange). I can't decide how I want to deal with the diagnosis.

That's why I've not been around on this thread, because I just can't decide what to do. I'd rather get rid of panic attacks and anxiety than the OCD - but have been told that the OCD contributes to the panic ...

anyway, I've committed to a daily kundalini practice, and have begun long walks again. those practices have really helped the panic.

hugs and peace to all of you - i hope to check back in soon.

[faithsstuff]

yo yo yo, where is everyone?!?! YOu know for so many of us havin OCD/ish "issues" we 're sure droppin the ball on this thread.

So I'm reading a book my dr assigned, it's 'Getting Control' I had to order it from Amazon. I haven't gotten far (I've put it off for weeks(I have severe OCD and am a HUGE procrastinator-i think the shrink calls it avoidance(how many times can you use parenthesis inside parenthesis?))) and I thnk it may be pretty helpfull. Hubby and I are working on communicating, I'm sure we could prob use some couples therapy. God, my heads reeling from all the work ahead.

Anyone have any suggestions for insomnia? I've had it since I was pregnant and now a side effect of the meds is insomia, so I'm screwed all 'round. I've tried chammomile, baths, no caffeine, and over the counter meds. My 8 month old is in bed with us by 2 AM and I fall asleep around 4 then up at 7. I am so tired I'm buzzing.

O.k., hope you ladies are doing well and remember, you're not the only one. Live long and prosper.

*I crack me up when I get delirious