Depressed and Anxious Mamas? - Page 2

[carfreemama]

Sorry I didn't see this last night, AFWife. I would have kept you company! How did you make it through the night? How are you doing this morning? I know that "I don't think I'm nervous, but..." really well. I hope you got some sleep!

[TygerTwoTails]

Originally Posted by AFWife

Tyger: My mother had problems with BC as well...she even had an IUD for a while that ended up implanted and had to be surgically removed...I'll skip that.
Discuss the non systemic options with your doctor. Also, if you can get a hormone panel run I'd try that too...if one of your hormones is messed up certain BCs can make the problem so much worse. (after the baby comes of course)

Thank you for the advice AFWife, I'll keep all of that in mind

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Sorry I didn't see this last night, AFWife. I would have kept you company! How did you make it through the night? How are you doing this morning? I know that "I don't think I'm nervous, but..." really well. I hope you got some sleep!

I WAS doing better...Here's what's going on with me now:

DH is in basic training and today was supposed to be payday. I got up to check and there was no money...even worse, there was no ACCOUNT. I called around and apparently because it was empty for 45 days they closed it and failed to inform us. So the direct deposit information he took to basic is useless. When finance tried to do direct deposit it got rejected and sent back. SO they opened us a new account and he's going to call me tonight or tomorrow so I can give him that number and we can get our money. : The ONLY bright side is I get to talk to him but I'm afraid it's going to be a "Hi, here's the info, love you, bye" kind of conversation and that does NOT make me happy.

Also, I have a friend I've been wanting to go visit up where I used to live. I was really excited about getting to head up there but I found out just now that they now work on Saturday...So that basically means I won't get to see them again before I move. Again, not happy here.

So my anxiety is really high today and I'm handling it so well. I still feel edgy and just like my body is vibrating...weird, I know, but it's the only way I know to describe it. I want to go run until I hurt or drink until it goes away...neither are things I can do pregnant. I'm tempted to take a benedryl and try to sleep or at least get the edge off...

As soon as my insurance kicks in I'm getting into therapy. I was going to wait until I moved so I wouldn't have to switch therapists...but I can't continue to feel like this. I feel so...erratic and, well, crazy. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I really feel crazy when I get like this. I'm all shaky and I can't keep my mind in one place (I'll forget things from one minute to the next) and I HATE that feeling.

[AFWife]

I thought I'd share this:

I was discussing anxiety with my FIL and he said that his previous wife had anxiety for YEARS and they had no idea what caused it...turns out her thyroid was off kilter. Once she got that straightened out it helped tons with her anxiety.

Just something for all of us to consider!

[Milvudeeshna]

Originally Posted by AFWife

So my anxiety is really high today and I'm handling it so well. I still feel edgy and just like my body is vibrating...weird, I know, but it's the only way I know to describe it. I want to go run until I hurt or drink until it goes away...

As soon as my insurance kicks in I'm getting into therapy. I was going to wait until I moved so I wouldn't have to switch therapists...but I can't continue to feel like this. I feel so...erratic and, well, crazy. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I really feel crazy when I get like this. I'm all shaky and I can't keep my mind in one place (I'll forget things from one minute to the next) and I HATE that feeling.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

[carfreemama]

So I'm starting Zoloft in the morning, I guess. I had an appointment with my doctor--who currently is actually my daughter's paediatrician--and that was our decision. I actually feel pretty okay about that choice. He told me that OCD is the "poster child for chemical imbalance;" which made me feel better about the drugs, at least. Not sure where he gets that idea, though. He also referred me to the hospital's mental health day treatment program, which I'd love to take part in at some point. And he recommended CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) in combination with medication. So I am off to pursue the contact info he gave me for that. I feel very ready for counselling right now and feel I could benefit a lot from it. I know I could benefit MOST from running, yoga, green smoothies, meditation...sigh. I hope medication quiets my mind enough that I can focus on some of these lifestyle things.

Hope everyone else is doing well!

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

So I'm starting Zoloft in the morning, I guess. I had an appointment with my doctor--who currently is actually my daughter's paediatrician--and that was our decision. I actually feel pretty okay about that choice. He told me that OCD is the "poster child for chemical imbalance;" which made me feel better about the drugs, at least. Not sure where he gets that idea, though. He also referred me to the hospital's mental health day treatment program, which I'd love to take part in at some point. And he recommended CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) in combination with medication. So I am off to pursue the contact info he gave me for that. I feel very ready for counselling right now and feel I could benefit a lot from it. I know I could benefit MOST from running, yoga, green smoothies, meditation...sigh. I hope medication quiets my mind enough that I can focus on some of these lifestyle things.

Hope everyone else is doing well!

This is the most important part. If you're ready and willing to take on counseling then you are immediately setting yourself up for success! Congrats, and good luck

[AFWife]

Maybe venting will make it go away...I'll probably end up editing this out because it's really personal. But I just need to "scream" it to someone.


So I have this friend. It's a guy (we'll call him J). We were really close right after my DH and I got married. Our first few months of marriage were really hard because our schedules were screwed up and we never got to spend time together. That's when my drinking got really bad and J and I started to get close. J and DH were best friends and roommates in college. One random day J and I ended up kissing...this was after numerous days of flirting and spending hours upon hours together. When DH found out (like a year later...about a year ago) J and I cut off contact. This was especially hard for me because he was, first and foremost, a really good friend and someone I felt like I could always talk to and confide in. But I eventually got over it.
After DH left I contacted J again...because it was so hard on me and I thought maybe I could get my friend back for a brief time. We stayed up all night (literally) talking online and the phone and it was just like old times. The conversation was full of "I miss you" and "I'd love to see you" and basically that we could pick up being friends again. I'm sure that if I weren't pregnant it might go farther (again) but being 7 months pregnant isn't an aphrodisiac to anyone but your DH usually...and I feel FAR from sexy right now.
The next day he calls and tells me that he's getting an apartment with a frat brother (that he couldn't afford) and he'd get in touch with me later. Fast forward several days with zero contact and I mention possibly coming up to visit in Feb...he tells me that he doesn't have any time because he's filled his schedule to the brim.
He doesn't return my texts and the couple of times we've talked I get a "I'll call you later" and never hear from him. To be honest, my feelings are hurt. It feels like I went from having my friend back to having nothing in a day. I've needed him (to talk) numerous times and he just isn't there. It doesn't help that I'm already hormonal, lonely, and a whole mess of other things.
I feel so stupid. I feel stupid for getting upset over this. I was just so happy that maybe I'd have SOMEONE to talk to outside of family and now I don't. Dont get me wrong, DH's family is great and so great to me...but I have no friends here so I spend all my time with them. His brothers are frustrating for their individual reasons...that's a whole different post. My family is my biggest trigger so I avoid that as often as possible. (And my mother keeps trying to get me to come out to visit for several weeks at a time and she uses the GUILT angle...my weakness)
I'm just lonely, anxiety filled, and now kind of offended and sad. I don't know how to deal with that right now. I have no one to talk to except you guys and no one to spend time with.

If you made it this far, thank you.

[carfreemama]

AFWife, how are you today? Any word from your friend? I can't imagine how alone you must have felt when you wrote that post. Pregnant, away from your dh and feeling abandoned by a close friend. And then money stress. Is anything better/calming down? Abandonment in general, I would say, is my absolute WORST anxiety trigger. I have gone completely off-the-wall in situations like you describe. I have also tested some relationships when I've panicked, thinking someone is abandoning me that I've made myself vulnerable to. I can't stand it. I hope you are finding some company and comfort.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

AFWife, how are you today? Any word from your friend? I can't imagine how alone you must have felt when you wrote that post. Pregnant, away from your dh and feeling abandoned by a close friend. And then money stress. Is anything better/calming down? Abandonment in general, I would say, is my absolute WORST anxiety trigger. I have gone completely off-the-wall in situations like you describe. I have also tested some relationships when I've panicked, thinking someone is abandoning me that I've made myself vulnerable to. I can't stand it. I hope you are finding some company and comfort.

I really wish I could give a report with really great news...but yeah, that would be lying.

I haven't heard from him and I don't expect to. The money hasn't come through yet and so I've been using my credit card for any purchases. I'm keeping track so I can replace the money when things clear up.

I'm sorry I'm such a downer.

[carfreemama]

You're not a downer. It's good to hear from you. It's an anxiety thread, remember? You don't have to apologize for how you feel! Keep us posted.

[bjorker]

Hi everyone. I am going to come back and read this thread a little more thoroughly when I'm not about to fall asleep, but I just wanted to chime in.

I am no stranger to anxiety. It comes and goes, and for the most part I have a handle on it now, but it's been a long ride. Initially (child/teen years), I had bigger problems with social anxiety, general anxiety from OCD-ish behaviours, and depression. I don't often feel depressed any longer, but anxiety can be rough. I'd SO much rather be depressed than anxious. I was having major problems with OCD again last year, after not having too much trouble with it for awhile, which really brought me down and freaked me out. That has got to be the worst anxiety I have ever experienced, it was AWFUL. I tried all kinds of things-- all the things that are "supposed" to help-- and was still getting worse. Diet, exercise, vitamins, therapy, natural this and that, breathing/thinking techniques, etc etc etc. I finally gave in and tried an SSRI, and I'm so glad I did. It gave me the control I needed to quiet my mind when appropriate. I can actually sleep now-- I've had sleeping problems my ENTIRE life, so this is huge.

I think I got lucky and found the right medication for me on my first try. I don't feel out of it, or otherwise medicated. I feel like myself, and that I'm okay to really be myself. I can talk to people a little bit easier, have had a much easier time socializing, and am able to step back and really work on myself. I have a counsellor, and I can now focus on the things that were too hard on me before, and I am proud of myself. Not everything is great; in fact I've been feeling SO GOOD this week, and am already starting to feel the back-lash. It seems like everytime something is going good for me, then I suddenly get hit with a bad bout of anxiety, as if something awful is going to happen. I can feel it trying to sneak up on me now.
It's not perfect, but it's coming along. And, you know, It's okay to feel down sometimes. I try to remind myself that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. That can help a lot.

Going on medication has been an eye-opening experience, particularly because it got me to leave my judgments behind (I was pretty anti-med). In fact, I feel pleased to share my experiences these days. I don't want anyone to feel alone, or shamed, or inferior... Including myself. We just need to do what we need to do. It's all good.

Big hugs mamas!!!

[bjorker]

Amusingly, after making a positive post like the one above, I start thinking that I have to do something to counteract the things I said, or they were no longer be true. Or something like that. I mean, I just went on about how the medication worked, so now I'm over here worrying that it'll stop working. Does that make sense? (when I write it out, I realise that it doesn't really make sense! but for some reason this seems totally logical in my mind). That sort of anxiety/ocd-ish crap still definitely lives in me, and I don't always recognise that I'm even doing it. In a situation like this, I always think that I need to knock on some wood (even though I'm not at all superstitious) or just delete what I wrote and somehow rectify it in my mind, so nothing bad will happen. I have always been like this, and it's so exhausting.

Everything I said in the post above is true, but like I also said... it's not perfect. So here's an example.

[dipmama]

bjorker, that sounds a lot like my experience. I've always been a worrier. In the past, some trigger would show up and I'd ruminate and ruminate over it, until I was able to reassure myself enough that *everything WILL be okay*. I'd be fine for the longest while, until the next trigger. I thought this was episodic, and treated it just with the odd Ativan. But, this past year there was a lot of stress in my world, and the anxiety just snowballed until I was pretty much nonfunctional, and depressed on top of the anxiety. It was brutal. In Sept. I finally went on Lexapro, and started to get some relief.

And, like you, I definitely still have that OCD-ish bend in me. Give me an inch, and I'll take a mile. Once the seed of worry gets planted, it can grow quickly. I'm working with a therapist on this stuff. It's helping, but I know it's going to be a long haul.

[carfreemama]

Welcome, bjorker. I loved your post! I really get the "needing to counteract what I just said stuff."

I've had a discouraging time starting Zoloft and have decided to hold off for now. I took one 25-mg pill and felt like I was going to die. I just can't go through this if this is what it's going to mean. It was like that with Celexa, but somehow I just held on for the MONTH it took to even begin to settle down. I seem to be very sensitive to medications. I think it might be a metabolic thing--I'm thin, high energy, that sort of thing. The dr suggested Ativan to get me through those side-effects; but again, one 0.5-mg tablet knocks me out for 2 days. I have a full-time job and a kid!

I saw a great psychiatrist, who supported the idea of seeing an ND. So I'm going to do some research into that for a month and then follow up with that psychiatrist. In the meantime, I'll hopefully get in to see a counselor and begin therapy. It's true, though, that the psychiatrist said he thought it would be good to hold off on therapy until my anxiety came down. He thinks it's too high to benefit from talk-therapy right now.

[AFWife]

25mg sounds like a lot to me...maybe you can start low and increase dosages slowly? I would think that a slow increase would be less of a shock to the system...


So, the whole J thing...I havent' heard from him again and I've decided it's for the best. Anyone that upsets me like that shouldn't be in my life, right? So, I'm done. I'm also going to be honest with DH when I see him again and tell him that I talked to J...he won't be happy (because of past history) but I refuse to lie to him.


Other than that I'm feeling a bit stir crazy today but have nowhere to go...and military finance STILL hasn't gotten their stuff together and I'm starting to freak out because I have bills coming up that I need that money to pay.

[Surfacing]

Hi Mamas, I just found this thread and there's so much here I can relate to.

Carfreemama - I too have been super-sensitive to meds and found a pdoc who was willing to prescribe for me at a super low dose and up in super small increments. It takes longer for the meds to finally kick in and work but it allows the side effects to remain small enough that they don't interfere with your ability to function in life. I said to my pdoc, "No offense, but what's it to you if I start so low and take a long time to go up?" My tone was not disrespectful and she got it. It worked.

bjorker - I get you on the "I've said it was good, now I've jinxed it" kind of thing. Loved reading your post, it IS good to hear from those who have found meds helpful. I have too. Big time. Tried all the natural stuff before and they were good enough some of the time before I had kids. After I had kids? N.O. W.A.Y.

AFWife - Anxiety sucks and so does lonliness. I too had depression and anxiety flare up big time during pregnancy. I'm so glad to hear you're going to get help when you get insurance. You're worth it! Anxiety and depression are treatable and you will feel better.

CBT is hugely helpful. David Burns' The Feeling Good Handbook is a bit cumbersome, but there are some good ideas in there.

Hang in there Mamas. Take good care of yourselves and ask for help when you need it! [reminder to myself too!

[Fi'sMom]

We're very similar.... I suffer from severe anxiety and on and off depression. I've also struggled with anorexia since age 11 (and I'm now 30). I have a 10 mth. old and have really been challenged with this whole mom role. But I'm in therapy and am waiting on some hormone test results, which I did through the saliva testing. Maybe all of us just have super whacked out hormones???

[carfreemama]

Hi Everyone! Glad to see some new people joining us (although I guess it's a bit strange to say I'm glad there are more of us suffering)

About the meds. The 25-mg are capsules, so I don't think I can lower that without getting yet another prescription switch. Supposedly 25 mg is really low, according to my doc. I did have good luck starting with every-other-day last time around. I'd forgotten about that so maybe that's what I'll try.

It's a bit messed up. I'm coming out of a really bad bout with anxiety that lasted weeks. So now would be a GOOD time to start meds. I think part of the problem has been that during the start-up, my anxiety gets worse and since it was already so bad, I just couldn't endure it. Now that it's settled down a bit it might be a good time to try again. But it's tempting to let it ride now and enjoy the vacation from feeling so awful, rather than push the meds.

I'm planning to start running again tomorrow.

AFWife: Glad you came to a decision about your friend. Sorry finances are still so difficult, though. I thought the military was supposed to be efficient!

Fi's mom, sorry you're having a tough time in your first year! I think new motherhood is an excellent time to get some therapy (probably for most of us). I actually found the exhaustion of new motherhood a huge relief from anxiety. For once, I was too tired to think, too tired to feel anything, even anxiety. It was the weirdest thing. I was fully expecting postpartum depression, but I'd never felt so calm and stable. Anxiety hit hard again the minute I started getting some sleep and parenting became more mental than physical. Go figure.

I am still thinking about the thyroid thing. I can't imagine it could be so simple, but it could be a factor. Doc's appt on 26th. Think I will ask for blood work. It can't hurt.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I did have good luck starting with every-other-day last time around. I'd forgotten about that so maybe that's what I'll try.

It's a bit messed up. I'm coming out of a really bad bout with anxiety that lasted weeks. So now would be a GOOD time to start meds. I think part of the problem has been that during the start-up, my anxiety gets worse and since it was already so bad, I just couldn't endure it. Now that it's settled down a bit it might be a good time to try again. But it's tempting to let it ride now and enjoy the vacation from feeling so awful, rather than push the meds.

I hear you on not wanting to start the meds as it may tip you into the "too dang much anxiety!" zone.

I wonder if the every-other-day thing would be more manageable for you at this point.

When I'm starting meds and I get anxiety flare ups, I talk to dh, I write out these cognitive worksheets from an anxiety workbook I have, listen to classical music, drink chamomile tea, light a candle, sniff lavender oil... whatever little rituals help me to feel safe and comforted. I remind myself "This will pass, it is just the meds loading up, I am safe, it will not always be like this." YK?

What rituals help you when you are loaded with anxiety?