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Depressed and Anxious Mamas? - Page 5

post #81 of 186
AFWife - keep us posted.

How are all you other mamas doing?

Over here I have been sick and feeling run down. Ugh. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm adjusting to a change in my meds and hate waking up at night with tinnitus and bloodshot eyes. Lately I haven't felt as sharp in the brain and am more moody, but I think that's due to a lack of adequate sleep, being sick and maybe the med change. I feel crummy and crusty and not at all like my usual happy self. Oh well, this will pass. Just wanted to vent to those who would understand.
post #82 of 186
Hi everybody:

How is everyone today?

Surfacing, are you feeling any better? I remember the night-time side-effect thing, whether a new med or increases or even decreases. Since anxiety can be worse at night, it SUCKS that the worst side-effects also seem to happen at night. IME, if anything feels particularly strage, it's probably the meds (I know my own "abnormal normal," so the side-effect thing is different)!

AFWife, haven't heard from you in a while.
post #83 of 186
never mind
post #84 of 186
Hey carfreemama, I missed your post. Are you okay?

How is everyone doing?

I have to say that right now is a difficult time for me. For some reason, my mood is all over the place. I am still taking my meds but...? I wonder if it's related to the season change. In the past I used to have a flare up of anxiety when the spring comes.

At the moment I feel exhausted emotionally, spiritually, physically. I think I've just had too much on my plate. Too many worries and cares. I do enjoy my life, I love my family, but I've been too busy. And I'm worried about money. We have a lot of debt. Oh well.

The thing that's been bothering me is that I feel insecure right now, unloved, unlovable, not good enough... I know that's not true, I am loved, I am good enough. A signal of my mental illness in the past has been feeling like this. OTOH I think there are some real life triggers to this feeling right now. But it will pass.

I need some solitude. I need some pleasure. I work too much and don't play enough. Sometimes that's okay, I like to work and enjoy being busy. But sometimes I need a break.

Thanks for listening y'all. Chime in Mamas with an update on yous too!
post #85 of 186
Hi Surfacing:

Life with 2 small kids is, I'm sure, enough in and of itself to make you feel exhausted and in need of alone time and pleasure! Having one (as much as I adore her) sometimes makes me feel that way. I do find this time of the year, just before spring hits, I almost always feel the way you do. And of course if there ARE any real-life triggers like money or too little time, it's immediately too much because of the anxiety and whatever other mental issues are in the mix. Throw med changes in there? And when I do feel like that, I spin on the same kind of feelings of being unloved and insecure. That's something I'm only figuring out now after all these years, though I've struggled with anxiety for literally decades now. That one seemingly unrelated event can literally bring on the anxiety and fear about all kinds of things. I don't know how to explain it; but I can feel suddenly panicky if I've just gone through something that's difficult, but not necessarily a trigger in and of itself. I used to think if I got through a difficult situation I was in the clear. Now I know different. There's almost always a panic/anxiety backlash after something stressful or painful, even if I felt at the time I was coping well. I hope you find some peace.

I've decided this spring is Make Life Easy on Mommy season. Maybe even year. It's LONG overdue and dh and my friends have been telling me this for a long time. I had taken on a 400 paper-per-week route to make extra money we didn't need. I did it for 2 weeks. I'm dropping it. I'm letting myself off the hook. I already work full time and this was 400 houses on foot, for 10 cents per paper that I had to bag myself. And environmentally, delivering flyers in plastic felt yucky.

So to try and say something about the post I deleted, I rehomed my beloved dog last week. I posted this here, but was so afraid I'd get flamed (not by you mamas, just a general fear), that I deleted it. I was afraid I'd make people feel awkward or angry. I had my dog for 7 years. He's always had problems with food guarding, how he's touched, a few other things. He has bitten (not damaged) dd several times in the past 4 years. We have worked with trainers on protocols, done obedience school, tried to supervise carefully. Two vets told me to rehome him with adults and so I just went to other vets. Well I failed to supervise sufficiently and he bit dd again a couple of weeks ago. Again, not hard; but scratches on her face. Dh flipped and threatened to have him put down. I called his dog walker, who is the temperament tester for the local shelter and she helped me find a foster home. He has been absolutely cleared for a home with adults and I am in frequent contact with them. They are taking him on a trial and it looks good that they may keep him. If they do, I will be able to visit him.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I know it has been brutally hard. I know many people say never to rehome a dog with a bite history and I wouldn't, except that the person I'm doing it through is the shelter worker and she says he's fine with adults and shouldn't be put down. She's been walking him with groups of other dogs for 4 years (I barter with her for cooking). The people who are taking him have decided to have dogs instead of kids and know his issues. We will continue to pay the trainer to work with them.

I feel like I adopted a dog with the same anxiety issues I have. So I completely understand his triggers, but at the same time my anxiety has made it so hard for me to help him. He gets anywhere near dd and I am completely on edge. I have been constantly telling dd to "watch the dog" in case she steps on his paw or something by accident or startles him. I've never left them alone, but it hasn't been enough. One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out, as usual, how much of this situation has been my anxiety and how much has been normal concern for my child's safety. I feel like I failed him. I have been crying for 8 days. Then I got the flu.

I talked to the people who have him and they say he is adjusting great. If they keep him, I will be able to dogsit him on Fridays while dd is at preschool and I'm at home working. Then I'll go back to cooking for his dog walker and she'll pick him up here. So I'll get to see him every week.

I have to admit the stress in our home is MUCH lower now that I'm not trying to make sure I remembered to keep the dog in one room and dd in another. He's not aggressive to her per se, or any other children; I just haven't been able to ensure everyone's safety in the same house.

I feel just as vulnerable posting this as I did that last time; but there you go. That's what's going on. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I don't even feel I have a right to grieve right now, because I gave him up. But after starting to feel like my naturopathic regimen was working; well, I don't know. Maybe it's normal to feel this way.
post #86 of 186
Carfreemama, I don't think you did a bad thing at all, you were behaving in a responsible way. I think it was an important step for you to protect your daughter. It sounds like the move was a good step all around for both your family and the dog. Two different vets have said he'd be better in a childless household.... you haven't failed him. His temperament is his temperament.

I hope you find a place where you can forgive yourself for this.
post #87 of 186
Thanks, surfacing. It helped to just write that all out. It's the longest post I've ever written, or will likely ever write! I'm sure worse things have happened in my life, I guess I just hate the thought of abandoning anyone. And of course, all I see around me right now are DOGS. But it's been a stress since the first incident 4 years ago and I have AGONIZED over it so much. I hope this will eventually free up some valuable emotional energy, once I get past the sadnes of losing him. I really miss walking him. He was with me 24/7, too, since I work from home. The house seems so empty.

And surfacing, how are you? Are you getting any of the solitude you crave? Are your supports good? Do you want to brainstorm?

How is everyone else doing?
post #88 of 186
Thread Starter 
I finally got to see DH this past weekend! We spent the majority of our time cuddling in bed in my hotel room. It was just what I needed, I think. Now, we can talk daily so that's helpful too...

Today has turned into a rough one (I went from totally fine to feeling depressed all of a sudden) and I'm blaming hormones. (I'm due in 6 weeks...yeah)

There's a total of 5 people living in the house and that means 6 cars parked outside. My car, BIL20's car, BIL16's car (the one that he won't start driving for several months mind you), the family truck, MIL's car, and FIL's work truck. Well, as you can imagine that takes up a TON of space.

BIL20 just moved back in last week...he quit his job last month and basically just refused to look for another one because he's shipping out to Air Force basic training in May. So, he's here until May 12th...all day, everyday, doing nothing (getting him to help with housework is like pulling teeth and it pisses me off) But anyway...

FIL came home and asked if I was going to use my car anytime soon. I'm unsure because I don't really "travel" since I'm so pregnant...I go to the store on occasion and things like that, short trips you know? So I said, "Well, I'm moving back in with my parents (my doctor is there and it's an hour away) in two weeks so I'll need it then..." and he announces that he's moving it to make space for the other vehicles. So, he moves my car and BIL16's car out back.

I'll be honest, my feelings are a bit hurt and I can't figure out why. Moving BIL20's car didn't even enter the conversation...and he's the one that NEVER DOES ANYTHING. I don't want to say anything, though, because I don't have a good excuse as to why I need my car available. I think it's just the principle of the thing.

I'm also worried about my brother and his relationship with our mom. She tends to be overbearing and clingy and uses her emotions at inappropriate times. For example, my brother is in the Marines and he's in a really tough school. (It's one of those occupations where part of the training is being tortured at some point...yeah) He's far away from home and having some slight medical issues right now. Apparently, she's called him in tears on more than one occasion talking about how much she misses him and how hard things are. Not appropriate IMO. The poor kid (he's 19) has it hard enough as it is...but I don't know how to brooch the subject because I heard about it second hand from our bio-dad. (parents are divorced) He and my mom REALLY don't get along...which leads to me feeling like the freaking monkey in the middle of 3 families (both sides of mine and then DH's family makes 3) because no one can really "get along" properly.

My next baby shower (MIL hosting) is on the 28th and I'm kind of not excited. Again, I dont' have any friends to come so it's another shower full of people I don't really know.

I turn 22 on the 26th of this month and, again, not excited. MIL asked me a few mins ago what I wanted to do for my birthday and I just told her that I didn't know. My husband is 2 states away, my hormones suck, and I feel overwhelmed...sleeping until I give birth sounds like the best birthday present ever right now.

post #89 of 186
Hi AFWife:

Glad to hear from you again! I hope this doesn't sound condescending, but you're SO YOUNG!!!! Turning 22!! I turned 41 in January. Holy cow. You do have a lot on your plate. When I was turning 22 I was just finishing school and then at 24 I moved to the Maritimes. Worked as a baker for $5 an hour and then danced every night and closed the bars down. Man, you are one tough cookie! So happy birthday, even if you don't feel like celebrating. I was about 8 months pregnant on my b-day that year, and I don't remember doing much.

One thing I strongly recommend doing before your baby is born is finding your favourite coffee shop, bringing an incredible book or several magazines, and ordering your favourite thing. Sit there for HOURS and just people-watch and enjoy your pregnant self. I remember doing that and it was just so neat. I really tried to relish those last days with the baby IN me.

I also think pregnant women see things like family drama much more clearly. I felt like I had laser-sharp observation skills during that time and dh noticed it, too. I hope you're getting some honest-to-God nurturing from your family. I hope they have some empathy for how hard it must be to be without your dh and 6 weeks away from your baby being born. Heck, I'm getting excited for you! But I know, the last several weeks can feel LOOONG.

I'm so glad you finally got some time with your DH.
post #90 of 186
Thread Starter 

You don't sound condescending at all. I'm very aware that I grew up fast!

I think you're right about being more sensitive to family stuff during pregnancy... I mean, I was always aware of how different the family dynamics are beforehand, but now it's painfully obvious. I'm also very sensitive to the level of flat disrespect and laziness in my BILs.

I'm moving out in a week...hopefully that will help somewhat
post #91 of 186
Thread Starter 
So down and then up tonight...

BIL16 was being especially annoying today. He made some comment during the evening about my past bulimia. It really hurt my feelings. When I talked to DH (by phone) a little while later I told him what happened and that it kind of upset me. He said, "I'll talk to him" and I assumed he meant when he came home from school...
A little while later BIL16 comes up and says, "I didn't know what I said bothered you that much. I'm sorry." (I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of it) I thanked him for his apology and texted DH and thanked him as well.
So, maybe some of the stuff will get better. Although, DH reminded me that it's my family too and I can't be afraid to tell them when something bothers me. He understands my hesitation because of how MY family was with stuff like that. (Defensive, explosive, etc...) It's hard for me to confront anyone about anything (well, family members...I have no problem doing it in the daily world) so that's something I'm going to have to work on. But, at least we're making progress.

I'm moving back in with my parents on Sunday. Mostly because my doctor is there and it's an hour away from where I am here...an hour is a long way to drive if you're in labor and I REALLY LOVE this hospital!!!

Randomly woke up with anxiety this morning...lasted most of the day. There really was NO reason for it...

How's everyone else doing?
post #92 of 186
Hi Everybody:

AFWife. How did your move go? Was it yesterday? I hope you get some peace and tranquility for a while.

How's everyone else?

Things are pretty okay here. I'm waiting to see if the family that has my dog is planning to keep him. They're supposed to let me know by the middle of the week at the latest. Apparently things have beeng going really well there, but the woman's partner is still unsure of the responsibility. If they keep him, I will see him for at least a day a week. I went for a long walk with them on Saturday and it was SO good to see him! He's looking great and it's obvious they're doing a wonderful job with him. I miss him so much. If they don't take him, it will be so tempting to bring him home and that would be SUCH a bad idea. Otherwise, he will go to another foster home until someone adopts him. It still feels like such a betrayal on my part and I just so wish I could bring him back home.

Other than that I am doing well. Running into the too-many-appointments-to-maintain-mental-health thing again. I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday, so we'll see how that goes. I have a friend who is a massage therapist who I feel has really been pressuring me to book appointments with her. It's not that I don't want to, but It's really hard to keep it up time-wise. She knows I have insurance and she's been none too subtle about letting me know that her practice is hurting with the current economy. Not quite sure how to handle that. I love massages, but I CANNOT work a full-time job and see a counselor, a naturopath and a massage therapist regularly, all at the same time. I have had enormous benefit from the ND, so that will stay and the counseling I've been waiting for for MONTHS.

Dh and I went out dancing on Saturday night. I'd forgotten how much I love to dance. Live music, the most incredible percussion band ever, an African thumb-harp band called Kojo who I swear I could be groupies of. Just a perfect night. Sometimes I think if I danced long enough, often enough and hard enough, I wouldn't have an anxiety disorder. Samba Nova, the percussion band, was almost loud enough to drown out my thoughts. Bliss!
post #93 of 186
May I join you all? I am Axis I: major depression recurrent Axis II: anxiety disorder with panic.

I am certain this has changed since its inception in 1996 as I have problems falling in the OCD and bipolar definitions.

I am not my diagnosis though, I am just feeling really overwhenlmed. The whole insurance in FL and finding consitent, decent Psych care ahs been horrible. I moved her in Oct of 2002 and I have had numerous caregivers and medication changes due to insurance and pregnancy. I am faced, yet again, with finding another person to fill out scripts for me. The anxiety this causes makes me CRAZY and I want to put myself in patient so I don't have to deal with anythig, the anxiety becomes so overwhelming. Add to this the fact that we are facing financial crisis and it is a wonder I am not having another breakdown. I suppose I should try to figure out what I am grateful for right now but I am just soooo stressed.
post #94 of 186
Hi zonapellucida!

Sorry it's taken so long to reply. Welcome to our little tribe. How are you doing?

How's everyone else? We've either all been too busy or too freaked out, or both, to update each other lately! How's it all going?

Over here, I'm okay. I had a classic, major freakout over dd on Saturday morning. She woke up with a stiff neck, screaming in pain so I took her to the ER. First time in 5 years. My wonderful friend tried to convince me to give her motrin or whatever first, it was probably just a kinked neck, but dh had already called the cab...Of course she is FINE. Not to mention I had bent her neck in that spot the night before; nothing major, I am usually very gentle, but still it would have explained it. The hyper-worry has continued, though; just more revved up again. One minute I'm fine, the next...

My dog is being adopted by the nice couple. It's official and it will be an open adoption. We will be able to visit frequently. So that's great, though forgiving myself for this still feels a LONG way off.

I had a 2 hour intake with community mental health last week. Completely draining. I don't know how sympathetic the counseler will be to my alternative therapies; not very is my impression. Surprised I got seen so sooner, though, as I was told the wait list was into the summer. Glad to be doing counselling. She said she'll give me her impressions/treatment recs on our visit April 9; this week. After this last episode I'm discouraged enough to be willing to try meds again, I think.

Hope you all are okay.
post #95 of 186

Always agitated and angry

hey everone,
i have a 10mnth old boy and in the last few months i have been getting very agitated not at him but at my partner, its like i always want to have an arguement and i just get angry striaght away. its like im lways frustrated being stuck at home i dont know how to combat it and i wnt to stop it, its affecting our relationship and the relationship between me and my son. is it possible im postnatally depressed or is there something else? has anyone else experienced this and have any suggestions?
post #96 of 186
Hi Mamas, sorry I haven't been around much lately, super busy. A big to all who are struggling at the moment.

NZ_Bunny - any chance you can have family or friends watch your son some so you can go out and have some "you" time? Do you have access to counselling services, either for yourself or together with your partner? That can help the quality of your relationship while you are going through this difficult time. Agitation and anger can be signs of depression. How is your diet? sleep? exercise? Take care of yourself.

Zonap - take a big breath in, hold it, and blow out. One challenge at a time. I'm sorry to hear you are having to find another pdoc. You certainly sound like you have stressors right now (triggers - financial crisis, for example). You have a right to keep looking for the help you need. Can anyone help you (like a trusted sibling or friend) to make some calls, gather information, etc.?

Carfreemama - how did your April 9 visit with the counsellor go?

ETA - AFWife
post #97 of 186
Just popping by. Having a hard time right now. Self-esteem is shaken at the moment. Oh well. Humbling. It will pass.

How are you all doing?
post #98 of 186
Hi Surfacing:

How are you? What happened?

Hi everyone! Hope you're all relatively okay!

I'm personally doing all right. I have started seeing a therapist who seems to be pretty good. I think I like her. She has diagnosed me with PTSD and says I fit that diagnosis much more than GAD or OCD. It's good in a way, I guess, not to have the other labels attached; freeing in some sense. However, people who know me and my struggles point out other things I've battled with that DO sound more like the other diagnoses and I've been given them by other professionals. Sigh. It's pretty hard sorting through what is essentially different peoples' OPINIONS of my state of mind.

However, she did make some very good points about me and PTSD. She says my anxiety really isn't all that generalized, but specific to a couple of areas. Both of these areas she feels can be explained by past trauma. She also made the point-fairly obvious, but which completely escaped me-that since I was abused as a child and now have a daughter of my own, I am panicky about her safety and am going overboard trying to protect her; not just from abuse but from EVERYTHING. Even dh thinks that makes sense.

I was abused by my Sunday school teacher in some pretty profound ways(not to mention my dad and and a stranger at various points), so there is definitely fodder for the PTSD thing. Don't really want to go through the "confront your fears" thing she thinks needs to happen in order for me to stop being triggered. Yuck. I moved 1000 miles away to forget about that. Religious abuse is a terrifying thing. I hope she has some resources around that; because anytime I've tried to "go there," it's been pretty hard to come back out again.

Generally, though, as long as I stay away from that I'm okay right now. Looking forward to some updates from everyone when you all have the time/inclination.
post #99 of 186
Hello, I guess I belong here, unfortunately. I have really been struggling lately with depression & self-esteem issues. I cry about nothing, and can't focus on getting anything done. I am on Zoloft, 100mg.. but it doesn't seem to help much.

Everything feels so helpless, and I don't know if I can get better by myself. I need help, but don't know where to turn. I have briefly thought about taking my life, but would never do it.
post #100 of 186
OK, I'm going to wean myself off of the Zoloft, and see what happens. If it's still pretty bad, I'll go in & get something else.

I took 50mg last night, and I feel better today than I have in a long time.
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