Life with 2 small kids is, I'm sure, enough in and of itself to make you feel exhausted and in need of alone time and pleasure! Having one (as much as I adore her) sometimes makes me feel that way. I do find this time of the year, just before spring hits, I almost always feel the way you do. And of course if there ARE any real-life triggers like money or too little time, it's immediately too much because of the anxiety and whatever other mental issues are in the mix. Throw med changes in there? And when I do feel like that, I spin on the same kind of feelings of being unloved and insecure. That's something I'm only figuring out now after all these years, though I've struggled with anxiety for literally decades now. That one seemingly unrelated event can literally bring on the anxiety and fear about all kinds of things. I don't know how to explain it; but I can feel suddenly panicky if I've just gone through something that's difficult, but not necessarily a trigger in and of itself. I used to think if I got through a difficult situation I was in the clear. Now I know different. There's almost always a panic/anxiety backlash after something stressful or painful, even if I felt at the time I was coping well. I hope you find some peace.
I've decided this spring is Make Life Easy on Mommy season. Maybe even year. It's LONG overdue and dh and my friends have been telling me this for a long time. I had taken on a 400 paper-per-week route to make extra money we didn't need. I did it for 2 weeks. I'm dropping it. I'm letting myself off the hook. I already work full time and this was 400 houses on foot, for 10 cents per paper that I had to bag myself. And environmentally, delivering flyers in plastic felt yucky.
So to try and say something about the post I deleted, I rehomed my beloved dog last week. I posted this here, but was so afraid I'd get flamed (not by you mamas, just a general fear), that I deleted it. I was afraid I'd make people feel awkward or angry. I had my dog for 7 years. He's always had problems with food guarding, how he's touched, a few other things. He has bitten (not damaged) dd several times in the past 4 years. We have worked with trainers on protocols, done obedience school, tried to supervise carefully. Two vets told me to rehome him with adults and so I just went to other vets. Well I failed to supervise sufficiently and he bit dd again a couple of weeks ago. Again, not hard; but scratches on her face. Dh flipped and threatened to have him put down. I called his dog walker, who is the temperament tester for the local shelter and she helped me find a foster home. He has been absolutely cleared for a home with adults and I am in frequent contact with them. They are taking him on a trial and it looks good that they may keep him. If they do, I will be able to visit him.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I know it has been brutally hard. I know many people say never to rehome a dog with a bite history and I wouldn't, except that the person I'm doing it through is the shelter worker and she says he's fine with adults and shouldn't be put down. She's been walking him with groups of other dogs for 4 years (I barter with her for cooking). The people who are taking him have decided to have dogs instead of kids and know his issues. We will continue to pay the trainer to work with them.
I feel like I adopted a dog with the same anxiety issues I have. So I completely understand his triggers, but at the same time my anxiety has made it so hard for me to help him. He gets anywhere near dd and I am completely on edge. I have been constantly telling dd to "watch the dog" in case she steps on his paw or something by accident or startles him. I've never left them alone, but it hasn't been enough. One of the hardest things has been trying to figure out, as usual, how much of this situation has been my anxiety and how much has been normal concern for my child's safety. I feel like I failed him. I have been crying for 8 days. Then I got the flu.
I talked to the people who have him and they say he is adjusting great. If they keep him, I will be able to dogsit him on Fridays while dd is at preschool and I'm at home working. Then I'll go back to cooking for his dog walker and she'll pick him up here. So I'll get to see him every week.
I have to admit the stress in our home is MUCH lower now that I'm not trying to make sure I remembered to keep the dog in one room and dd in another. He's not aggressive to her per se, or any other children; I just haven't been able to ensure everyone's safety in the same house.
I feel just as vulnerable posting this as I did that last time; but there you go. That's what's going on. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I don't even feel I have a right to grieve right now, because I gave him up. But after starting to feel like my naturopathic regimen was working; well, I don't know. Maybe it's normal to feel this way.