Who did you have present? And how did you tell those "not invited"?

[AFWife]

I REALLY want it to be just me and DH and the healthcare provider (whoever that turns out to be) during the actual birth.

However, his mom has already started implying that she's going to be there (we haven't discussed it) and if she's there my mom will want to be there...and so on and so forth.


So, who was present at your delivery? How did you let everyone else know who was going to be involved?

[Limabean1975]

You have who YOU want at the birth. Just YOU. You tell anyone who thinks otherwise that this is a huge and very personal event and it is not open for further discussion.

[lilbsmama]

For me it was my boyfriend, and I had to have my mom there. Heck, she did it 3 times! But I also wanted my MIL there. She politely declined, I don't know why, I guess she would have been uncomfortable but who knows! My grandma wanted to be there but I didn't think she would so I didn't ask. So, she asked a nurse if she could come and they told her it was too late, I was already pushing. She could have seen the most important part!
I didn't have anyone else ask me if they could be there, but I don't think I would have said yes anyway. It is a very special moment for 2 people, no one else. So surely your MIL will understand. If not, she'll be so smitten my her new grandchild that she might just forget all about it! Good luck!

[bobandjess99]

I think it really depends on the situation.
First of all...it really depends on who the preson doing the "assuming" is, and WHY....for exmaple, if she's just a meddlesome, annoying or generally unpleasant person, I'd have no problems just being very direct about it.
If they are coming from a place of love though...it can make it harder....i mean, even though i totally repect my dd's rght to have whomever wioth her she wants when she gives birth..i suppose part of me would be thrilled to be there....and I might be a little hurt if i were not invited. I knwo my mother really wanted to be there...for the second birth she even asked outright...and she is a nice person...and she loves me, and generally supports me..and was willing to try and put all her fears aside to support me in a homebirth.....but i just couldnt have her there...even though she would have tried SO hard...she would have been annoying and her fears would have leaked out....so I had to diss her. I just didnt call until the birth was over.

also...culturally...there is a huge culture of expectation...it's quite possible his mother has sort of a "dream wedding" thing where she has it all planned out in her head...how she'll be in the hospital waiting room, running messages to people, wiping your brow, whatever....so by telling her no, you might be shattering a dream of sorts....

but certainly, you have to do what is right for you.....and if that means having no guests, then no guests.

[Keeper at Home]

For me it was DH and I, and our support people (midwife, nurse assistant, doula). IMO, my birth experience is not some sort of spectator sport. I think it's important to only have the people present that you truly feel comfortable with and who would be actively contributing to helping you achieve a successful birth.

I think it's hard but I really think you just clearly and politely tell people you won't be having anyone in your room during the birth except X, Y, and Z but that you would be more than happy to have them join you and the baby at such-and-such time (immediately after the birth, in an hour or two, etc).

[layla983]

It will be my midwife, her assistant, & DH. That's it. We aren't even going to call people when I go into labor this time around, because they will want to rush over & wait in our driveway. The parents were upset because we'd decided on a homebirth because they had no where to wait, at least that was one of their various reason. Heck, my mother came up with this plan that my inlaws could come stay with them (they live 15 minutes away now, my inlaws are about 3 hours away) & I soon as the baby is out they'd all rush over to our house. I had to break the news to her that it wouldn't be happening like that. I hate to sound selfish, but because of my last expierence, I want several hours to just myself, DH, & the baby, plus older DS. I've already told people not to expect to visit at least 24 hours after delivery, & even then we'll pick the time they can come. My inlaws are the kind who think if I have the baby at 5am, that means they next morning at 5am they can knock on my door in their eyes.

Decide now, tell them now. Tell them over & over if you must, & shut & lock your door if they ignore. Be nice, but if they refuse to get it, be firm & stick up for yourself. With my last delivery, we told people we didn't want anyone to even come to the hospital until the baby was born, so we'd have a couple hours to ourselves, but DH's family refused to listen. They set off on the road as soon as I went into the hospital, waited in the waiting room of the hospital, complained that it was taking too long, were stopped time & time again by nurses because they kept trying to come back to my room, several times they were calling DH & having nurses call for him & try to come get him out of the room when they knew in advance he wasn't going anywhere. They didn't understand, obviously, that we wanted privacy until a while after we had our baby. It put a huge kink in my birth expierence, by the time I had him his family was blocking the door, not allowing nurses back, because they wanted to go back RIGHT THEN. My family figured since they were allowed back that quick, they should be as well & I can't say I blame them. I didn't even get to see my son after delivery for more than 5 minutes solid before having visitors & people passing him around. By the time we were both cleaned up & I had him handed back over to me, they were beating down our door. It makes me sad to look back & remember that, I wish we'd stood up for ourselves way more than we did.

[alicewyf]

I'm only almost 14 weeks and we've already informed our families (well, I still need to make sure my mom understands) that it will just be myself and my husband. Originally we wanted a close friend there (hi kparker if you are reading this!!) to take pictures, but I have a feeling my mom is going to be all like "Why does SHE get to be there and not ME?!??!" so that is still up in the air. I will have to see how my mom will respond to that before we make any final decisions. We are not calling anyone when I go into labor (especially since my mom knows exactly where the birth center is because she invited herself to my first appointment ), but we will call once the baby is born and we are about to go home.

[boscopup]

No one has ever asked to be at my birth, but we just call people AFTER the baby is born, not when I'm in labor. The only people that get called when I'm in labor are my parents, because my mom will watch the kids while I give birth. But I'll be going to a rented house across state lines, and my kids and mom will stay at my house. When baby is out, DH will call my mom and have her bring the kids up to see the baby right away (actually, I think DH called her while I was pushing last time, but that gets her there after baby is already out). My mom is not the least bit intrusive, and I wouldn't even so much mind her being at the birth, but she has childcare duty instead.

When my best friend had her baby, I was hoping she would invite me to be there, but she didn't. She did tell me that they were going to have it just be her and her DH and no one else, as they wanted privacy for this event. I completely understood that, as did her family and his family. Am I sad that I didn't get to be there? Sure. But I don't have *right* to be there. She wanted privacy and heeding her wishes is the most important thing! Plus after I had a baby of my own, I understood why privacy was such a great thing.

My ILs will come up the weekend following the birth (they live 3 hours away). And my parents will come visit the next day (my dad works, so he doesn't get to come help with the kids unless I birth on a weekend).

[tireesix]

Yup, I never tell anyone I am in labour, nobody is told baby is born until the next day (last time we just emailed people).

I don't understand why MILs expect to be at the birth, its Weird but then I also don't understand why people call everyone when they go into labour or once the baby is just born.

[EviesMom]

The only people invited had a clear, specific job I was asking them to do. Anyone else who asked in advance to be there I said "I'd love to see you after the baby is born! Do you want us to call if it's the middle of the night or wait until morning?" And that made it pretty clear that they weren't invited to the birth.

The only one who asked beyond that was a close friend. He asked directly, and politely, "won't I be at the birth?" and I said "sorry, but no, I feel it is too private and personal." That was it. I think most problems come up when you ask some people of the same "closeness" and not others. So if I invited other to-be-aunts and -uncles, he'd be put out.

One of DHs jobs was calling those who said they wanted calls day or night. There aren't that many who will say they want that if you actually ask it that way.

[wholebreath]

It was just me, my husband, and the doula. Both moms lived an hours plane ride away, so that made it easier to create the boundary. We weren't even going to call to tell them I was in labor, we were going to wait until the baby had arrived. But we caved on that and gave them a heads up. Oliver was born early in the AM, so we waited until about 6 AM to call everyone.

If they were disappointed, they kept it to themselves.

[stormborn]

For both I just had dh and the midwife (well, dd1 was in and out at dd2's). We made it clear that only the midwife and those present at the conception were invited. I'm not really great at confrontation but I made that crystal clear to everyone! Heck, half of the reason I homebirth is because I loathe people while in labor.
I also refused to give a 'due date' to keep me from worrying about gate crashers.

[grniys]

The healthcare providers were there along with my doula. Had dh not been deployed he would have been there also.

No one assumed that they were invited... and had they I would have had no problem telling them no, they weren't. My aunt mentioned traveling to be with me during birth, but she never brought it up again so I never had to say "Sorry, you're not welcome". But I would have.

I would just tell people who assume they're invited that it's very private and personal and you're not comfortable with others being there.

[FreeRangeMama]

I never wanted anyone there, not even dh Just me (and eventually the baby). I absolutely loved my solo births. My mom wanted to be there, especially for the first one, but there was NO WAY that was happening. We typically don't call people until sometime after we cut the cord (so a few hours at least, more if I just want to sleep). I don't think they even need to know when I am in labor, dh called people the first time around and it just made me feel pressure to give birth in a timely manner. I hated that feeling.

Pregnancy is a great time to start developing the ability to tell people exactly what you want and expect for birth and parenting. It is a skill you will need time and time again and it is best to set the stage early on that it is YOU who will be making these decisions. You only get to birth this child once, so make sure you set it up the way YOU feel you want it to be!

[boscopup]

Originally Posted by tireesix

I don't understand why MILs expect to be at the birth, its Weird but then I also don't understand why people call everyone when they go into labour or once the baby is just born.

We send out an e-mail as soon as baby is born (well, within a few hours - we waited until we got weight/length so we could post stats) because a) we know that NO ONE will show up at our doorstep to see the baby that day, and b) we don't want people calling for some innocent reason and then hearing a baby cry and going "You had the baby and didn't tell anyone?!?!?"

But all of my friends/family are pretty respectful when it comes to visiting afterward. When I'm at home, my parents and my ILs come visit when we say it's ok (and they do ask when they should come), and friends from church only come visit if they're bringing food (the ladies always arrange to provide food for about 3 weeks, which is SOOOOOO helpful... I always sign up for bringing food to a new mom so I can see the baby early ). Everyone else just waits until we start going out and about at a couple weeks old.

[Full Heart]

Well for my first I did not want my mother there. I only wanted it to be dh and my mw. When labor came my mw was at another womans house and my labor progressed quickly. I finally told dh to go get my mother cause I needed some support. My mw arrived 30 min before I started pushing. When my mom told dh, "I think you need to call the mw back she sounds like shes near the end." I think we were both glad to have her there lol.

Its your birth, you call the shots. Tell people that you want it to be just you and your dp, but that if you feel you want them there you may call. Or the other way around. You can have whoever you want there but tell them you reserve the right to kick anyone out at anytime. If you decide to just be you and dp don't call anyone when you are in labor. And then have standing orders with your cp to not let anyone else in. They will think *you* want them there and the mw or dr is keeping them out. Its great for deflecting anger lol.

[kerikadi]

This is simple, don't call them to let them know you are in labor. Call them after the baby is born.

[Gnatty]

I was unsure over who I wanted there... I thought about having my mother there, but looking back I'm glad I didn't, she would've been worried since I needed some oxygen, baby was a bit bluish and needed a few seconds of resuscitation- nothing that couldn't be handled by my great midwife, but my mom had only one birth experience, and that was an emergency c-section for undiagnosed placenta previa. She couldn't have been totally, personally confident that I would be able to birth the baby just fine, and I couldn't handle having someone there who wasn't totally confident.

The inlaws and my family knew we were in labor, but respected our space and came when we called and let them know that baby was here and they could. (And they did... at 5 am or so!) If we had doubted that they would respect our space during labor and birth, we wouldn't have told them we were in labor.

This time it is difficult because I want someone there for DS, who will only be one. But I don't really want to have to have both grandmas so that one doesn't feel hurt. *sigh* We're still working out that one. Fortunately nobody expects to be invited, since they weren't last time.

[pazerific]

you can always pin it on the HCP if you feel like you don't have the nerve to tell someone you just don't want them there. ("my mw/ob only allows one non-med person to be there, and OF COURSE it will be DH. sorry, but we'd LOVE for you to come visit after babe's born!")

[wombatclay]

The nurses at the hospital I used with dd1 and dd2 are very upfront about "protecting" mama's space... if you tell them you don't want to see/hear from persons XYZ they make sure that those people stay in the waiting lounge (which is actually outside of the maternity wing since it's a small hospital... the waiting area is shared by maternity and pediatrics). And people outside the maternity wing can't place calls to birthing suites, only to pp rooms if you give them your room number. So I agree that you may be able to push responsibility for "who is there" off onto the care provider if you feel like that would be easier for you or for your family to accept.

With both hospital births it was me, dh, our doula, and the hospital staff. And as a small hospital that meant one or two nurses during the course of the birth and our care provider. We're planning on staying home with this next birth and again plan on me, dh, doula, midwife with her nurse assistant. When dd2 was born my mom watched dd1. This time friends will be watching both girls.

And I agree with the pp who said that your extended family may have a sort of "dream wedding" image in mind. I know some moms who are planning on getting an epidural and birthing in a more medical model are happy to have visitors because they feel pretty good and are just sitting in bed for several hours, and your extended family may be expecting this sort of birth experience (since it's the sort of birth they might see on TV or film). I know my stepMIL had expected to be there for dd1's birth but once I explained that it would be a drug free, naked mama, active birth she couldn't excuse herself fast enough! So maybe explain to your mom/MIL what you expect the birth to be like, what support you would need, and see if it's still something they want to share?

Whatever happens... happy birthing!